katojones Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 hello, im 21. confused. upset. horrible person. maybe. im going out with the guy a girl could ever dream of. he's kind, sensitive, really understanding, good looking etc........ i have been seeing him for 10months. we get on really well. we've had our up's n downs like any couple. me and my partner are very different in everyway possible. music, he has blounde hair, i have black, etc, i am very wild he's quite passive, im a very closed person he's very open. he's so supportive as i have been diagnosed with a life long skin condition which has affected me so much and loves me no matter whati look like. all the things that make someone speical, he has accepted me and loves me. i know he'd never cheat on me i trust him 100%. before i started seeing my current partner i was seeing a guy who i was with for 3years and before him i was seeing a guy who is in this equasion now. i was with lets name him 'bob' for 2 half years. i thought i could never love another person in my life. he was all of the above my ex is, but we both were very alike and i coul say i would spend the rest of m life with 'bob'. we broke up because i became very depressed as we only got to seeone another every weekend and i wanted a bit more out of the relationship but couldnt as i was a bit too young to move out etc... breaking up with him was the worst thing i have had to do in my life and i hurt even now. i never wanted to brake up with him , but for his sake and mine i did as it was just messing me up and it started to affect him aswell. after we broke up we remained friends, we never really spoke about the whys and what if's sort of just accepted it and he did try to get back together with me a couple of weeks after the split but i indirectly said no, its still not the right time. we still are very good friends to this day, we hang out alot and talk to each other on the phone. after about 3months i met this guy, he asked me out which became my ex who i was with for 3years. bob started seeing someone else and both mine and "bob's" relationships broke up around the same time. we were there for one another and i supported him through his brake up. then i blew it by drunkenly texting him one night telling him how i have felt about him in all the years we've been apart. he said that he was shocked and that he thought he had buried those feelings away. as bob does he dosent deal with these situations very well and he said that he wanted to talk to me about it, but as is we never did. we didnt talk about it and he never mentioned it again and we remained friends and nothing has been said. i just took it that he didnt want to talk about and and i have tied to move on. so i met my current boyfriend ill name "jim" wh i have been with for 10months. its really intense and things have moved so quickly and he treats me very differently form all of the other guys ive been with. badly in some ways because he is very jealous and likes to tell me what to do and im not used to it. its killing me because i cant put these feelings away for bob, i love him so much that it hurts every day. now im moving in with jim i just dont know what to do. i dont know if i want to move in and if i do is that it? its confusing. if i tell bob how i feel again our friendship maybe jepordised again and i may loose him forever. its so good when me and bob are together, there is this spark that is so natural and we just get on so well that i just cant see myself ever being in love with anyone else accept him. maybe i just need him to tell me it will never happen? he never talks to his friends about his feelings so i cant find out that way? its like, should i move and focus on this relationship and forget about bob? will moving on forgetting about bob destroy this relationship i have with jim in any shape or form? will telling bob destroy our relationship? i dont know im going mad. please help. if you can. yours faithfully kato
almostthere Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 Hey Kato... Sounds like there is a lot going on for you. I hope I dont give you bad advice (for I am a divorced mother or 2!). I may not have made the best decisions in life for myself but I did do whats best for my kids. And through my experience I think I have learned a lot. As far as Bob goes...from what I understand he is someone you dated a few years ago. I had someone in my past that I wished I didnt break up with too. I carried those feelings for him into my relationships and my marriage. Only thinking about him once in awhile while I was married. I'd never cheat on my exh with this guy. The what ifs, regrets and questions are always going to be there. I think you should sit down with Bob and (sober and face to face) tell him what you are feeling. If he doesnt agree with your feelings the worst you've done is find closure for yourself. If he feels the same then you need to do a whole lot of soul searching to find out if you are exaggerating your feelings for Bob. But from my experience an ex is an ex for a reason and usually its a pretty good reason. As far as Jim goes...the comment about him being jealous and controlling put up a red flag for me. My exh was very jealous and very controlling to the point that I couldnt even go out of the house for smokes. I couldnt grocery shop by myself...hell...we only had one car and he got it. so if i wasnt with him i was with my mom. I lost all my friends, by choice at first because thats what happens when you move in with someone. If you and Jim are only seeing each other a time or two a week you may want to make sure Jim is someone you can go to sleep with every night and wake up to every morning. If you have more doubt then excitement right now....dont do it. However, on the flipside, it is in my experience that you dont truly know someone until you do move in with them. I am assuming there arent any children involved between you and Jim. If Jim is what you desire...then move in. If it doesnt work out you can move out. Its not like you have accepted to be his wife. You are simply just accepting a roommate status...so to say. See, I have children involved but if I didnt my current bf and me would move into together. I'm there every night anyway with my kids. But I dont want my kids to go through seperation anxiety again because they are really close to my bf...however...i am not so sure I am. just when or if you do move in with him...look at it as a trial period. Now...Bob and Jim...If Jim is as jealous as you think he is...please dont expect to being seeing Bob any longer anyway. So your talk with Bob shouldnt matter about losing him. He is already gone...you just dont know it yet. If of course you do move in with Jim. I dont know if I have helped much. I hope if you do take my advice I dont mislead you in any way.
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