Is us going on a break a good sign or not?

February 25

Last night after sex, My girlfriend, burst into tears out of the blue, she effectively said that she thinks we should go on a break as previously she had a bad mental health episode and pushed everyone away, she has said she wants to go on a break as she doesn’t want to hurt me and she is going to try and see a therapist as it helped her last time. She has said she loves me and is so sorry and wants to get back together, in her words ‘when we get back together, not if’, we have kissed a bit since then and cuddled, she asked if I wanted to stay the night and sleep in her bed with her but she understood if I didn’t as she asked me to stay. We are both 17 so you can imagine Im confused. Today we spoke on the phone and she seemed against us breaking up and I could tell she was crying a bit I told her how I felt and that I feel like breaks are a really shitty idea and that usually people use breaks as a way to gear up towards breaking up, she seemed against that like I said but I was trying to see her point of view. and before the call she messaged me saying she missed me and was thinking about me all day. All of my friends say I shouldn’t get my hopes up with us getting back together and some have said that she’s probably just trying to be nice and let me down easy before breaking up with me, so I’m really confused and would just like a little bit of help if what to do.

February 25

1 hour ago, Jameswm said:

All of my friends say I shouldn’t get my hopes up with us getting back together and some have said that she’s probably just trying to be nice and let me down easy before breaking up with me, so I’m really confused and would just like a little bit of help if what to do.

I agree with the part about not getting your hopes up, but not necessarily because I think she’s trying to be nice before breaking up with you. Sure, that might happen, but the main thing here is that she seems to be so confused and unclear about what she wants that there is little hope that this relationship will turn into something long-termed even if she does come back. I’m afraid she might cause you additional heartbreak by going on a break, coming back, going on a break again, and so on.

People sometimes do go on breaks and then come back together, a break in a relationship doesn’t necessarily lead to a breakup. But there must be a reason for such a break besides the vague “I have mental problems that cause me to push everyone away”. For example, if you did something inappropriate with another girl, or drank too much, or yelled at her, then a break would make sense in case she forgave you and wanted to give you a chance but thought you needed some time apart first. But in this case, I’m inclined to agree with your friends, this doesn’t look good and I think you should stop communicating with her for now and focus on other things in your life.

February 25

11 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

I agree with the part about not getting your hopes up, but not necessarily because I think she’s trying to be nice before breaking up with you. Sure, that might happen, but the main thing here is that she seems to be so confused and unclear about what she wants that there is little hope that this relationship will turn into something long-termed even if she does come back. I’m afraid she might cause you additional heartbreak by going on a break, coming back, going on a break again, and so on.

People sometimes do go on breaks and then come back together, a break in a relationship doesn’t necessarily lead to a breakup. But there must be a reason for such a break besides the vague “I have mental problems that cause me to push everyone away”. For example, if you did something inappropriate with another girl, or drank too much, or yelled at her, then a break would make sense in case she forgave you and wanted to give you a chance but thought you needed some time apart first. But in this case, I’m inclined to agree with your friends, this doesn’t look good and I think you should stop communicating with her for now and focus on other things in your life.

Yeah it's all just a massive shock to me, I haven't done anything to warrant a reaction like this, things were going really well in our relationship, it was her birthday just under a week ago and I got her some pajamas and she's been wearing them religiously, so I'm wondering is she crying and acting like this from guilt maybe? Many of my friends have never trusted her from the get-go so some of them have suggested she's cheated and now feels really guilty. I don't want to rush anything but should I end things with her officially to try and start the healing process , put it on the table to gauge her feelings I guess? Or just play by ear and leave it for now. Thank you for your reply though, I really appreciate it.

February 25

8 minutes ago, Jameswm said:

I don't want to rush anything but should I end things with her officially to try and start the healing process

If you feel that you’re unwilling to wait for her as she’s working on her issues, whatever they might be, then yes, sure.

February 25

Just now, Gebidozo said:

If you feel that you’re unwilling to wait for her as she’s working on her issues, whatever they might be, then yes, sure.

It's not that I'm unwilling, I am because I really want this to work out, it's that if its going to end up with us not then I want to spare the heartache. I will wait as long as she needs as I want to help her through these issues, or if I'm not able to that's fine, I'll still wait. I just want to know if I am being unrealistic with thinking we will be back together after she's worked through this, or whether there may be something more to it. Thanks again.

February 25

Don't ever go on indefinite hold for someone! Even if she says she will come back to you, there is absolutely no guarantee that she will.

I would turn the tables on her a bit. Tell her you understand if she needs to end it for now, but you will not be waiting for her. Perhaps you'll be single when she recovers and you might decide to give it another chance, but make no promises

Edited February 25 by basil67

February 25

Just now, basil67 said:

Don't ever go on indefinite hold for someone!

I would turn the tables on her a bit. Tell her you understand if she needs to end it, but you will not be waiting for her. Perhaps you'll be single when she recovers and you might decide to give it another chance, but make no promises

Yeah, that’s a really good point. I want to wait for her and help her through this for as long as she needs, because I do love her. But I probably do need to be a bit selfish and think about if it’s fair on me on having to wait. Obviously I really hope we do just end up together again but life’s not a bed of roses I guess. Thanks for the reply

February 25

2 minutes ago, Jameswm said:

Yeah, that’s a really good point. I want to wait for her and help her through this for as long as she needs, because I do love her. But I probably do need to be a bit selfish and think about if it’s fair on me on having to wait. Obviously I really hope we do just end up together again but life’s not a bed of roses I guess. Thanks for the reply

Glad this helped. Go and have fun! Hang out with your mates, go to parties, kiss a pretty girl....do what single young men of your age do

February 25

Just now, basil67 said:

Glad this helped. Go and have fun! Hang out with your mates, go to parties, kiss a pretty girl....do what single young men of your age do

Haha!! Thanks, that’s what most of my mates have been saying, to get over someone you need to get under someone!

February 25

1 minute ago, Jameswm said:

Haha!! Thanks, that’s what most of my mates have been saying, to get over someone you need to get under someone!

hehe, I'm a 55yo woman - we used to say this in the 80's

Edited February 25 by basil67

February 25

Just now, basil67 said:

hehe, I'm 55 and we used to say the same thing when we were young

I guess that must mean it’s true!

February 25

6 hours ago, Jameswm said:

Many of my friends have never trusted her from the get-go

Why is that?

February 25

14 hours ago, Jameswm said:

Yeah, that’s a really good point. I want to wait for her and help her through this for as long as she needs, because I do love her. But I probably do need to be a bit selfish and think about if it’s fair on me on having to wait. Obviously I really hope we do just end up together again but life’s not a bed of roses I guess. Thanks for the reply

here's teh thing, it's noble that you want to help, but don't. she doesn't want you to "help" and she is saying that with her words by breaking up with you.

as Basil said, i'd suggest not being a doormat. she is either expecting you to stand around and wait while she goes and does whatever she wants, or she wants you to get frustrated and not wait around...because maybe she doesn't want to be the bad guy ending the relationship.

you said it in your first statement, "taking a break" is literally breaking up, just a cheap way of trying to act like it isn't.

so my opinion? stop treating her like your friend and especially gf right now. she wants a break? make sure she has it, and stop talking to her, block her so she can't communicate with you. she doesn't get to have it both ways, either your'e together or you're not.

February 26

18 hours ago, flitzanu said:

here's teh thing, it's noble that you want to help, but don't. she doesn't want you to "help" and she is saying that with her words by breaking up with you.

as Basil said, i'd suggest not being a doormat. she is either expecting you to stand around and wait while she goes and does whatever she wants, or she wants you to get frustrated and not wait around...because maybe she doesn't want to be the bad guy ending the relationship.

you said it in your first statement, "taking a break" is literally breaking up, just a cheap way of trying to act like it isn't.

so my opinion? stop treating her like your friend and especially gf right now. she wants a break? make sure she has it, and stop talking to her, block her so she can't communicate with you. she doesn't get to have it both ways, either your'e together or you're not.

Really appreciate you replying mate, to cut it short, I’ve been hearing a lot of things about her cheating, not actively but she had and now it makes so much more sense, she was most likely crying over guilt - I interrogated her essentially and she crumbled after about an hour, i though I’d be distraught and heartbroken but the relief I feel is insane. Additionally, the fact she tried to cover it up as ‘mental health’ issues when I have suffered first hand with them feels like a kick in the teeth. But if it means that Im not going to be played like a mug anymore Im all here for it. She’s been messaging and trying to keep me as a friend but to be frank I feel like she’s just trying to keep me as an option with being friends. I’ve told her it’s not happening and after she’s given me my things back Im going no contact. Thank you for all the help though everyone!!

February 26

On 2/25/2025 at 9:55 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

Why is that?

After now finding out she cheated, she has a known history of sucking off a lot of lads so Im not surprised about what she did. I already am planning on getting back at her though.

February 26

13 minutes ago, Jameswm said:

After now finding out she cheated, she has a known history of sucking off a lot of lads so Im not surprised about what she did. I already am planning on getting back at her though.

First of all, I hope you understand the fundamental lack of connection or correlation between cheating and “having a known history of sucking off a lot of lads”, as you put it. Cheating has nothing to do with sexual activities per se. Cheating is an act of betrayal, hence an action that falls under the ethical category. The choice of sexual acts and consensual partners for those acts is in the category of sexuality, and bear no negative ethical charge.

In plain words, there are virgin cheaters and there are people who’ve had sex with a 100 partners and yet never cheated.

Second, “getting back at her” (I assume you mean sleeping with someone just to spite her) would be as deplorable morally as her purported cheating, if not more. By all means, break up with her, become single and sleep with whomever you want to, but please don’t do that out of revenge. Nothing good ever comes out of revenge.

February 26

20 minutes ago, Jameswm said:

I already am planning on getting back at her though.

Don't do anything crazy, I don't want to be seeing this on a Dateline or 48 Hours special.

February 26

35 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

First of all, I hope you understand the fundamental lack of connection or correlation between cheating and “having a known history of sucking off a lot of lads”, as you put it. Cheating has nothing to do with sexual activities per se. Cheating is an act of betrayal, hence an action that falls under the ethical category. The choice of sexual acts and consensual partners for those acts is in the category of sexuality, and bear no negative ethical charge.

In plain words, there are virgin cheaters and there are people who’ve had sex with a 100 partners and yet never cheated.

Second, “getting back at her” (I assume you mean sleeping with someone just to spite her) would be as deplorable morally as her purported cheating, if not more. By all means, break up with her, become single and sleep with whomever you want to, but please don’t do that out of revenge. Nothing good ever comes out of revenge.

What I meant to say by ‘she’s sucked off a lot of lads’ is she has been a homewrecker in the past so Im not surprised that she’s on the other side of it now. I know what the difference between cheating and sucking lots of lads off Im not thick, she had sex with another guy whilst we were dating. That’s what I’m trying to say. She completely betrayed me and Im not going to sleep with someone to spite her. She works for my cousin and Im not going to go tell him to fire hire but cheating is such a deplorable thing and for me the worst thing a person can do, as I’ve had severe childhood trauma from one of my parents cheating. So it wouldn’t surprise me if my cousin did fire her as, yes it’s not the most mature thing but she’ll get what she deserves in the end.

February 26

41 minutes ago, Carlston said:

Don't do anything crazy, I don't want to be seeing this on a Dateline or 48 Hours special.

Haha! XD I can’t make any promises!

February 26

4 hours ago, Jameswm said:

So it wouldn’t surprise me if my cousin did fire her as, yes it’s not the most mature thing but she’ll get what she deserves in the end.

Your cousin is not very smart then. You can't fire someone because they cheated on a partner. That is their personal life. That would constitute wrongful dismissal in many places, and your cousin could be the one in hot water over it.

4 hours ago, Jameswm said:

What I meant to say by ‘she’s sucked off a lot of lads’ is she has been a homewrecker in the past

Did you know this about her when you decided to start a relationship with her?

5 hours ago, Jameswm said:

I already am planning on getting back at her though

It won't be worth it, dude. I get that you are hurt, and righfully so. But getting "back" at her isn't likely to make you feel any better. It will keep you stuck in your own pain longer.

February 27

13 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Your cousin is not very smart then. You can't fire someone because they cheated on a partner. That is their personal life. That would constitute wrongful dismissal in many places, and your cousin could be the one in hot water over it.

Did you know this about her when you decided to start a relationship with her?

It won't be worth it, dude. I get that you are hurt, and righfully so. But getting "back" at her isn't likely to make you feel any better. It will keep you stuck in your own pain longer.

I understand what you mean with it may being unconstitutional, however as many of my family members and friends work there, her actions have cause damage to the workplace relationships and heightened tensions. As she has tried to defend herself to them, without them speaking to her about it and initiating conversation, it falls under SOSR in the Employment Rights Act of 1996. Making it a legally fair reason for dismissal, she has had a warning given to no avail and there is an investigation ongoing, it’s not just a get back, it is genuinely causing problems at the workplace but I am happy about it to say the least.

And no, I didn’t know the full extent about her, I’d heard a few rumours and she said jt had happened twice. Im not slut shaming her as she can do what she wants but to me it shows how willing she was to lie from the start, and completely broke down the trust i though the relationship was built on. I obviously understood about things happening when your drunk, but the fact she still went to parties and the pub where the people she did things with were always at, I didn't know at the time, is crazy to me. The fact she said she loved me and then did this, you don’t hurt someone like this and treat them like this and make them think it’s their fault if you loved them.

You do make a good point, I’ve spoken to a couple close friends and they think I just need to take the time to heal and focus on myself, I guess I do understand now that if I were to try and take ‘revenge’ out on her then, I’m not as bad as her as what she did was dismal, but I wouldn’t make myself feel any better in the long run and would just end up prolonging the pain.

February 27

On 2/26/2025 at 5:27 PM, Jameswm said:

Haha! XD I can’t make any promises!

You're going to mess up your life over an ex.

Consider making better decisions.

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