scholarlypeach Posted February 22 Posted February 22 Together 4 months. Potential Red Flags: Shared his entire extremely traumatic childhood on day two (I was very disturbed) Said "I love you" within days of getting together/talked about marriage/wanting to be together even after death/wanted to already refer to me as his wife but I denied it. Gifts, poetic romanticism. Showed up to my work to surprise me shortly after we had just met (I was fine with it though). Says it was love at first sight A month in, he started having moments of cold, contemptuous anger. He doesn’t yell but speaks in a tone that scares me/makes me cry. He gets mean when I don’t do things correctly and sometimes seems to confuse me purposely. My self-esteem has dropped, and I feel dumb. Competes with me, sometimes brings down my interests (e.g., had an angry outburst once where he degraded my novel ideas). One-ups my suffering. Often conceited/brags, points out things he's does for me even after I've thanked him I’ve brought these things up and he feels very bad and admits it all. But sometimes he becomes so upset with guilt that I end up comforting him. He says he doesn’t know how to change and needs my help Says he can’t live without me and wouldn’t survive if I left. His last heartbreak nearly led him to attempt suicide. I feel trapped. We’re in the same college course, which complicates things further He has a violent past—mugged people with a weapon as a child (but discarded the money out of guilt), got into brutal fights (says he doesn't know if those people are still alive), and once scared his ex so much that she left him on the spot (he says it was a misunderstanding). He claims he was simply panicking because of a literal demon haunting, but later vaguely implied he showed a “very masculine” side that frightened her. He talks a lot about how dangerous he used to be but says he’s changed and is haunted by it
glows Posted February 22 Posted February 22 It’s unhealthy. Do you really have to question it after listing all that? Demon haunting? Is he schizophrenic or does he hallucinate? His health problems may genuinely be too much for any non professional to help. And sounds like strong narcissistic tendencies too. Emotional blackmail is pretty insidious. I’d end it firmly but tactfully and say that this is beyond your help. Do not suggest professional help. Do not discuss any of the points above in detail as it can come across as an attack and provoke more blackmail. Stop opening yourself up to people like that. Know when to shut off access to your personal life and draw boundaries. This is a major life lesson. Please don’t ruin your life. You’re only in college.
ExpatInItaly Posted February 22 Posted February 22 I don't buy that actually need someone to tell you this is toxic. You already know the answer to this. The better question: why did you start a relationship with this person?
Gebidozo Posted February 22 Posted February 22 These aren’t potential red flags, these are screaming red alarm sirens. Please break up with him as fast as you can and cut off contact with him. Make sure there is a family member or a friend near you, and generally surround yourself with people you trust. In the future, please never ever trust people who say “I love you” so soon. Even worse is calling someone “wife” at this extremely early stage of relationship. And the worst of all is saying “I can’t live without you”. People who say that are weak, clingy, needy individuals with serious mental problems at best; controlling, violent abusers at worst.
MsJayne Posted February 22 Posted February 22 I felt suffocated just reading your list. He's got problems you can't fix and he's trying to make you his oxygen supply. Extricate yourself carefully and tactfully because he's got Crazy Stalker written all over him. 2
ShyViolet Posted February 22 Posted February 22 (edited) This is more than just unhealthy. Unhealthy is an understatement. It's very concerning that you would stay with a person like this for even this long. You need to get out of this relationship NOW. 12 hours ago, scholarlypeach said: Says he can’t live without me and wouldn’t survive if I left. His last heartbreak nearly led him to attempt suicide. I feel trapped. Oh absolutely NOT. You don't let him threaten you into staying with him. If he attempts suicide that is not your responsibility and never a reason to stay in a toxic relationship.... you need to get away from this abusive, unstable person before he ruins your life. If he threatens anything violent or self-harming then you simply call 911 and let them deal with him. Anyone with good judgment and a healthy sense of what is normal and what is not would have run from this guy after the first date and would have recognized the red flags. After you get away from this guy you need to get some serious therapy before dating again. It's concerning that you might end up with another abusive person if you don't learn to recognize red flags better. Edited February 22 by ShyViolet
lemonicetea Posted February 22 Posted February 22 I was once in a relationship with a guy like this (aside from the violent past stuff), but it took closer to a year to start being really unhealthy. Run. Run fast and run far. 1
basil67 Posted February 22 Posted February 22 (edited) Leave him. If he starts to get upset with his own guilt, show him the hand and walk away. If he threatens suicide, call police and ambulance so they can do a wellness check on him. You have to stonewall him if you're to get away Edited February 22 by basil67
Interstellar Posted February 23 Posted February 23 He needs a lot of psychological help, and you need to seek advice from law enforcement.
Author scholarlypeach Posted February 23 Author Posted February 23 20 hours ago, glows said: It’s unhealthy. Do you really have to question it after listing all that? Demon haunting? Is he schizophrenic or does he hallucinate? His health problems may genuinely be too much for any non professional to help. And sounds like strong narcissistic tendencies too. Emotional blackmail is pretty insidious. I’d end it firmly but tactfully and say that this is beyond your help. Do not suggest professional help. Do not discuss any of the points above in detail as it can come across as an attack and provoke more blackmail. Stop opening yourself up to people like that. Know when to shut off access to your personal life and draw boundaries. This is a major life lesson. Please don’t ruin your life. You’re only in college. Thank you for such a detailed and constructive reply, I really appreciate it. I will say he has not shown any signs of schizophrenia since I've known him. He only mentioned these experiences at the beginning, and we just never really discussed it again.
Author scholarlypeach Posted February 23 Author Posted February 23 18 hours ago, Gebidozo said: These aren’t potential red flags, these are screaming red alarm sirens. Please break up with him as fast as you can and cut off contact with him. Make sure there is a family member or a friend near you, and generally surround yourself with people you trust. In the future, please never ever trust people who say “I love you” so soon. Even worse is calling someone “wife” at this extremely early stage of relationship. And the worst of all is saying “I can’t live without you”. People who say that are weak, clingy, needy individuals with serious mental problems at best; controlling, violent abusers at worst. Thank you for your input and support. I admit I was very uncomfortable with all the lovebombing, but I didn't know how to put an end due to the intensity of it.
Gebidozo Posted February 23 Posted February 23 25 minutes ago, scholarlypeach said: Thank you for your input and support. I admit I was very uncomfortable with all the lovebombing, but I didn't know how to put an end due to the intensity of it. I understand. Unfortunately, I used to be similar to that guy when I was younger - not as extreme, but the vibe I gave off used to be similar. I’m telling you with 100% confidence that all that lies behind the lovebombing is absolute selfishness rooted in deep insecurity, perhaps self-loathing and lack of self-worth, and the resulting weakness and neediness. Don’t ever fall for pretty words, they mean nothing and are mostly uttered to hide something very unsavory. There is absolutely nothing you can do to help that person besides breaking up with him. He needs to grow up and he won’t be able to do that if people keep condoning his behavior. Only a sufficient amount of failures might eventually make him willing to work on himself and change.
ExpatInItaly Posted February 23 Posted February 23 4 hours ago, scholarlypeach said: I admit I was very uncomfortable with all the lovebombing, but I didn't know how to put an end due to the intensity of it. Can you elaborate on what you mean by this? Do you mean that you felt flattered and became sort of hooked on the lovebombing, or that he emotionally manipulated you into staying with him? What have your previous relationships been like? I am very concerned that they have been even worse, since you don't seem to recognize how truly awful this one is.
Author scholarlypeach Posted February 23 Author Posted February 23 6 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: Can you elaborate on what you mean by this? Do you mean that you felt flattered and became sort of hooked on the lovebombing, or that he emotionally manipulated you into staying with him? What have your previous relationships been like? I am very concerned that they have been even worse, since you don't seem to recognize how truly awful this one is. I was quite uncomfortable when he told me things, few weeks in, like, "I will be the first guy you are with that treats you right, and the last. I will be your husband and with you even after death." Some of it was of course flattering, but stuff like the above, I just didn't know what to do with. My previous relationships have not been that great either, but not all bad.
BaileyB Posted February 23 Posted February 23 (edited) I’m sorry, but this is classic lovebombing, he shared with you that he has a history of violence and domestic partner abuse, and he is essentially warning you that if you leave, he will attempt suicide - which is an emotionally abusive and manipulative tactic to keep you in this relationship. Call a friend, a family member, a pastor, a counsellor, or a women’s shelter and develop a plan to get yourself safely out of this relationship and away from this man. Do not tell him that this is what you are doing, because the most dangerous time for a woman in an abusive relationship is when she tries to leave the relationship. He is telling you that he is dangerous and threatening your safety - take him seriously. Edited February 23 by BaileyB
smackie9 Posted February 23 Posted February 23 He literally lured you because he saw you as vulnerable when you didn't ditch him after that second date which would have any woman running in the opposite direction. He tested you and you took the bate...he continued with the love bombing so he have have you right where he needs you to be...totally hooked. This is what abusers do. They see if you take the candy, and you did. Then slowly he puts you down but small enough that you dismiss it because you are in love and that you keep going back to that love bombing and how it makes you feel. It's only getting started...he then manipulates you, gas lights you to have you confused, that you are causing him to get angry. You keep trying to sooth him but when it doesn't work, you think there is something wrong with you. He pounds your self esteem into the ground to have control over you. The treat of suicide is manipulation to keep you from leaving...it a bs tactic. This is a very dangerous man. You need to go to the school counsellor and report your situation. Sorry but you might have to cancel your course and leave to escape if things escalate.
Lotsgoingon Posted February 23 Posted February 23 (edited) Omg, are you serious!> Any ONE of your bullet points would be reason to run. Each is that bad, as in indicating that this person isn't going to be a good (or even decent) romantic partner. He is traumatized on multiple levels and untreated trauma doesn't come out as kindness in relationships. He also could just be a malicious jerk--so don't assume this is nasty unacceptable behavior is all a result of his suffering. The more you hang with him, the more you will be emotionally and verbally--and ultimately physically too--abused. Edited February 23 by Lotsgoingon
basil67 Posted February 23 Posted February 23 19 hours ago, scholarlypeach said: Thank you for your input and support. I admit I was very uncomfortable with all the lovebombing, but I didn't know how to put an end due to the intensity of it. Tell him that don't want to see him anymore. Or if you think he's going to make the breakup difficult, text him then block him
ShyViolet Posted February 24 Posted February 24 14 hours ago, scholarlypeach said: I was quite uncomfortable when he told me things, few weeks in, like, "I will be the first guy you are with that treats you right, and the last. I will be your husband and with you even after death." You can't be serious.... why on earth would you not RUN when a guy talks to you like this? This is beyond creepy, almost like a thinly veiled threat that he'll never let you get away from him.
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