cherrie498 Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 I feel horrible, I am in my 2nd week of NC for the zillionth time w/MM. Some of you have read my previous post & know my situation. **Quick review** Involved for 3 years, moved in & out with each other, W fully aware & tolerant, I moved away in hopes of getting over him, while he tried to “fix” things at home, he says no way they can reconcile, I move back, SURPRISE W is pregnant & we go NC, doesn’t work we try simple A, doesn’t work, now NC again I have replayed our relationship step by step OVER & OVER in my mind. I am heartbroken by the events that have happened. I have tried so hard, yet I am so distant from him, I have realized that while my actions are showing him that I am there my words have always been so negative…..just the opposite of him. His words are full of encouragement & love while his actions are crap! I feel like I am at a brick wall, I am at the point that I am disgusted with everything. I have bought books & tried to do this or that to keep my mind off him but just isn’t working. Our last conversation was HORRIBLE!!! I being just mad at the situation called him & his W 2 weeks ago, a bit tipsy & was just mean. We had decided to go NC 2 days before this. Stupid & petty I know but I did it. I feel like I should say something?!?!?! Thought of taking some time & writing everything down & mailing it to him at work?? So its not so easy for him to reply & just state that I wasnted to clear my mind & I know the best thing is to end it….it is. ADVICE anyone. I know we are in NC, & that is BEST but this was a R & needs its closure too.
Sami_D Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 Cherrie, Congratulations on getting to week 2 of NC. I'm not surprised you're feeling the way you are. This is a bad time of year for everyone... so depressing. And week 2 of NC has to be the worst. (personally, I got through 2 weeks of NC and then broke it). Try to keep focused on why you're doing this, and what it will mean at the end of it. Remember how great you're going to feel when you're over him. Try writing down all those things you want to say to him, and then either putting it in a drawer or deleting or tearing it up. Don't send it. Or write down all the things you're feeling here, and really vent. Seeing what you've been through might help others. Try to do positive things that look forward, because that's the direction you're heading in now. Good luck.
Owl Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 Question... What would truly be 'closure' for you? It sounds to me like he has "his" closure, but you still feel like there is something left that needs to be said/done. What exactly would that be? What, precisely, would let you walk away from this? Sometimes there does remain something that needs to be said or done to truly end it. But most often it's really more that one person just doesn't truly want to let go...and so it's a constant search for just one more 'fix' of that addiction. In those cases, the only real closure is 'cold-turkey NC'...because it's exactly what I said...a case of dealing with addiction. Give it some real hard thought...if you can truly think of something reasonable that can be done that you KNOW would give you closure, then post that here and see what can be done to help you get that. If you can't...then realize it's likely addiction, and the only thing you can do is make it through the withdrawls...and even then learn to ignore the occasional yearnings.
ahotmess Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 Stay NC as long as you can. It sucks to get involved in that never ending cycle. Break it...the cycle I mean...not the NC. Good luck...be strong. I know it's hard...I can't do it. We spent half the night texting...after over 2 weeks of NC.
Author cherrie498 Posted January 10, 2006 Author Posted January 10, 2006 NC is hard & does equal out to be a never ending cycle when broken, I have attempted NC MANY times before. He has always been the one to break it in the past (just for the record) & we have ran in a circle for 3 years!!!!! This time I just want to say everything that I need & have needed to say, just to get it all out. The letter will by no means asking him to leave &/or suggest that we be together, just simply say everything that keeps going through my mind. I am hurt by this situation, I feel like it has hurt me to the extent that I will not beable to go back the the "old cherrie" I love this man dearly & I am not the "loving" type, hints why I was never able to completely convey my feelings toward him. As far as him having closure, I dont feel like he does, prob feeling the way I am.....wanting but knowing that there is no reason to peruse this relationship, considering the situation....it would be pointless. I started two nights ago (when the depression set in) writing in a notebook, purchased solely for this purpose, writing everything,the good, bad & ugly!!! This has helped somewhat, but feel like me sending him a condensed version my fill in the pieces for him.....I think I would appreciate such a gesture. I am not saying that I have to jot it all down tonight, just over time & then when I feel "complete" mail it & move forward. Think I just feel like I am missing so much & hoping that the time that this would take & the final gesture would provide me with all the pieces to answer the questions...
Owl Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 You've still not answered my question friend. What, EXACTLY, PRECISELY, do you feel it is you need to get 'closure'? Or do you think that this could simply be continued addiction withdrawls to the relationship with MM?
Sami_D Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 Stay NC as long as you can. It sucks to get involved in that never ending cycle. Break it...the cycle I mean...not the NC. Good luck...be strong. I know it's hard...I can't do it. We spent half the night texting...after over 2 weeks of NC. hey ahotmess.. how is it going..? What's the latest..?
Sami_D Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 This time I just want to say everything that I need & have needed to say, just to get it all out. The letter will by no means asking him to leave &/or suggest that we be together, just simply say everything that keeps going through my mind. I am hurt by this situation, I feel like it has hurt me to the extent that I will not beable to go back the the "old cherrie" I love this man dearly & I am not the "loving" type, hints why I was never able to completely convey my feelings toward him. Well cherrie... you seem to know what you want to do and why you need to do it. And if it really is about telling him what you felt, and you don't need anything more from him (just to tell him) then perhaps this is the best thing for you. You have things that you haven't said during the relationship, things that you need to get off your chest, and want him to hear. And maybe he really does need to hear them. So yes, why not send them (anyone disagree..?) On the 'never be the old cherrie' thing... I'd actually disagree. You've been through a lot, and you might not feel like it at this time, and for a long time... but eventually... you're going to be (at least) open to something more. And what's more... you're going to have learnt from this, and know how to get more than you've ever had before. So don't pile on the negatives/you've ruined my life things when if you write to him. Talk about what has happened, if you need to, if you need to tell him how it was. But don't talk about your (ruined) future... because you don't have one.
whichwayisup Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 You need to make your own closure. No matter what he says to you after all that's said and done, you will put your own spin on it and that will create more inside you to react upon. Do this for YOU. It doesn't matter what he thinks or feels anymore. Just realize what is done is done, it's over and it's time for you to stop thinking about him, worrying about him, and also not concern yourself about his wellbeing NOW. If you can't get over this hump, go see a therapist who will help you cope, help you NOT fall into a deep depression. You're on shakey ground right now and until you can come up with acceptance and closure, this WILL eat at you for a long time.
Author cherrie498 Posted January 11, 2006 Author Posted January 11, 2006 Owl: Your right I need to find that answer, in my mind closure just means feeling better. We had a great relationship that has over time spiraled down hill, YES due to him being married! I do just need to let go & as recommended find my own closure. I dont hate him by any means, I am disgusted by OUR actions. I just feel like there are things I need to say, BUT WHY??? it cant change anything. It just honestly hurts to be in this situation. I am a good person that wanted, expected & deserve more than this & while he is the one married I was fully aware & I am just MAD at me for #1 getting into this & #2 not walking away along time ago.
newbby Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 cherrie, its never too late. walk away now, and dont beat yourself up for the past.
Owl Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 My thoughts are this... 1. I agree with the poster who said to write him a letter with all that you want to say in it...and then seal it in an envelope, and put it away for a few days. You WILL get to a point where you can simply burn it later...trust me on this. 2. What you're feeling is a combination of a desire to get some 'revenge' for what you're feeling right now, and the withdrawl from him. You're hurting due to the withdrawl at the end of all of this, and you'd like to make sure he knows that and feels it too. Sadly...this truly wouldn't do anything for you my friend. And the risk of things starting over AGAIN because of the new contact (again, think of an addict here) makes it not worth taking that chance. While it's really hard, your best bet right now is to try to find a new thing to focus your time and energy on, instead of this relationship. You've got a gap in your life right now...you need to fill it in with SOMETHING ELSE. New hobby, working out in the gym, something. Just my suggestion friend.
Author cherrie498 Posted January 13, 2006 Author Posted January 13, 2006 Just wanted to update you guys, I am feeling soooo much better!!! NO I did not contact him, I have tried refocusing my attention. Bad thing is I have revolved myself around him so much over the past years that I am really kinda left alone now.Trying to get out, try new things & meet new people!!!I am sure that I willl have more "bad" days & it will only take time for me to quit thinking of him, but I do realize that this R is just a very hurtful circle that I have no control of. I have been writing the letter, but it has turned into a letter to myself about the relationship. Rereading it even today helps clear the air allowing me to see the truth. No matter how much I feel like I love him or want to believe that his love for me was real the FACT remain the same. Doesnt help the hurt that I am feeling but is really helping the healing proccess.
FriendsForLife Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 Good for you Cherrie498! Keep your focus on healthy things and on healing YOURSELF and not hurting him or going after the outside sources of your pain. You sound like a strong girl!
Sami_D Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 Cherrie, that sounds really, really positive! I'm thrilled for you. Well done!
newbby Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 well done cherrie, this is fantastic news. you sound really strong!
Author cherrie498 Posted January 15, 2006 Author Posted January 15, 2006 Thank you guys!!! Really apprectaite the help through this NC.... It is still hard & the thought of him is still a constant, but the tears have dried up & I am trying to figure it out more now that trying to fix it!!!
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