How to truly be happy for my (still) husband and his girlfriend for my own good?

February 21

My husband of 9 years (at the time - June 2022) cheated on me with his coworker and left me and our 2 young daughters who were 3 and 8 years old. It’s been 2 1/2 years since then. It was a traumatic experience. I’m hurt and appalled at the capability of the person I trusted with my life. I was in a state of shock and denial for the first year. I pathetically begged for him to stop what he was doing and to come back to us, but he said he was unsure of what he wanted and wasn’t able to make a decision. After a year of his uncertainty, I decided I was done waiting around and filed for child support and temporary spousal to be able to leave. So much happened in that first year. He cleared out our joint account since I stopped working a few months prior to him leaving and it was just his income being direct deposited into our account. He told me I would have to ask him for what I needed and he’d see if he could "swing" it. He left me with no car. We also rented and he stopped paying the rent which then put me in panic mode. I notified the landlords right away of what was going on. Thankfully they were understanding, but rightfully wanted their money. It was the force that led me to file for child and temporary spousal support to have control over some of the money to pay the bills. I wound up having to move from our rental home since my support didn’t cover the rental expenses. It was a nightmare. And it was all my nightmare to "figure out". Thank God I had my pension that I cashed out. It wasn’t much, but it allowed me to get myself a used car and pay the remainder of the rent owed and to come up with a security deposit on a place that cost less money a month to rent. I’m now living in a one bedroom with my daughters in a place of squaller because it’s all I can afford.

I’ve been in intense therapy for the past couple years to get through these hard times and process all that’s happened and still goes on. It’s hard to heal when the person is still around to an extent due to sharing children. I just started working again now that our youngest daughter is 5 and school aged so I’m saving the money I’m making for the actual divorce portion (that’s right, we’re STILL married legally). He never divorced me, just left out and went on to be with other people. I will need a lawyer to determine the alimony portion that will be a permanent settlement, among other things like a parenting agreement, where I’m able to relocate once I get better on my feet, etc. I can already foresee him making it hard for me to move back to the city where we were living and raising our family when he left us (he already told our 10 year old that’s not happening when she told him we’ll be moving back "home" in a couple years) since he decided to shack up with his girlfriend 2 hours from us, so he will fight for me to have to live closer to him if I ever do move.

I’m not sure when his relationship ended with coworker#1 I caught him having the affair with (she’s never been around my kids) but last month he informed me that he was moving in with his new girlfriend which is the other female, coworker#2 on his team. I used to always see pictures of him sandwiched between the two of them at company dinners and events. Never in my right mind would I have thought it would have ended this way - in him leaving his family to pursue relationships with the two sole women on his work team, the rest of the team about 10 others are all male. I’m still so embarrassed by it. They all know about me. They all know who his wife and kids are. He would always call them his "work family" and tell me all things about his workday. I even felt like I worked there because of how invested he was in his job and how much he talked about it when he came home. The whole thing is just so bizarre and perplexing to me. When my girls told me the name of the woman they were with one weekend he had them, my head spun. That was how I found out he was then in a relationship with the second one. I asked him about it and he ignored me, but kept bringing her around our girls each time he had them. I asked again, I’d get ignored again. I eventually went outside one evening he was dropping our daughters off and said, so she’s okay with the fact that you were with the other one and that you’re STILL married to me and never divorced me? He said no, she’s not happy about me still being married to you, but I’ll start working on it now. I still feel a sense of devastation, but disgust at the same time. He has already moved in with the coworker (she’s 8 years younger than him, but has her own home) and my daughters are already staying at her house. My daughters like going there because they get their own room, not a shared room with Mommy. "It’s big and nice and there’s room to run around and play" they say. I know it’s completely out of my control and something I have to just deal with. Makes me sick to my stomach, but nothing I can do about it.

So all this to say - how do I completely shift my emotions to feel happy for my soon to be ex husband and his girlfriend? How do I just truly feel joy for them and wish them the best so when my girls come home each weekend and tell me about all the things they do as a "family" - outings, game nights, they make pasta together, even all go grocery shopping together, I can just feel happy that despite my husband walking away from me and our girls, he’s at least happy now in his new relationship..and from what my daughters say, they’re enjoying it all too and like that daddy has a girlfriend.

Just to say, currently as of today after all that’s been done, he doesn’t even see my face anymore. After all that’s transpired, I completely cut any contact with him. He tried in the beginning of him leaving to make small talk with me or make a joke like all was normal and cool, but when he saw that I had a stone face reaction to him, he backed down. I kiss my girls goodbye right before they walk out the door to my home and there’s really no need at all to talk about anything since they go with him every other weekend. He takes them/drops them off around the same time so text messages are just basically - "I’m on my way to get them" or "I’m on my way to drop them off" and I’ll either give a "" in response or nothing at all. Our daughter had a minor surgery a couple months ago. We were both in the same waiting room for her, but didn’t say a word, just remained silent - he sat across the room with his eyes closed like he was taking a nap, maybe he was, who knows. I was secretly dying inside wondering still how this is my reality. I’m just a meaningless nobody to him. I thought my husband would have atleast asked me once during these past 2 years how I’m doing or WE’RE doing. How we’re adjusting or if we need anything. It’s clear when he picks the kids up I now live in the slums with our girls, but nope - nothing. To his credit, he did tell me a handful of times over text message that he was "sorry for this all." Guess maybe that counts for something…

February 22

Detach.. you’re still too attached to his life. His life is not your business anymore aside from coparenting. Make it about logistics only and treat it like a job. Stay professional about it and detach your personal emotions from the interactions. It’s not his business to ask how you are or how you feel about your living situation. Don’t use the kids ever to find out info about his partner. If they volunteer info or you ask about their day keep it about your kids. Don’t snoop asking about him and his new partner - not saying you are but avoid putting the kids in that position.

Detach detach detach. Can’t stress this enough. It’s good that you found a place for yourself. Get some legal counsel asap and settle the divorce. Every ounce of bitterness or anger you feel transfer that immense energy output into bettering your own life. USE THE PAIN to your advantage. Move forwards. The marriage is finished. Don’t look back unless to complete the divorce.

February 22

So sorry to hear you're being subjected to this. First of all, you can be 100% confident that any woman he gets involved with is just being thoroughly used and actually means very little to him. That's because the only person he cares about is himself, he puts his own well-being ahead of his children, a sure sign that he's got some vital cogs missing. The woman he's moved in with will live to deeply regret that decision, and as far as you being expected to feel 'joy' for them - why? Why should you extend any positive emotion towards a man who 's lower than a cockroach? You don't mention whether you work, but if you don't that would be my first bit of advice, find a job to support your daughters and work towards a better life. Your youngest is school age now so you have no reason to not be working during school hours. Most of all, get that divorce sorted and get every cent out of him that you're entitled to. I don't know any civilised country where a father who abandons the family gets to dictate where the family live according to his convenience, so I think you may have that wrong and are letting him feed you bu****it. Your therapist should be giving you guidance as far as getting full child support from him, at this stage it should be being garnisheed from his salary. It's odd that your daughters are full of praise for him and his girlfriend, most children resent a new partner after a family breakdown.

February 22

You aren’t obliged to be happy for your cheating, selfish husband. By all means, don’t. Finalize the divorce. Treat him with cold indifference and make sure he fulfills his obligations towards your kids. Beyond that, there is nothing you can or should do, you don’t owe him anything and his private life shouldn’t be of any interest to you anymore.

February 22

Why on earth are you trying to be happy for him and his girlfriend? Personally, I'd throw anything of his on a fire, dance naked around it with my witchy friends and put a curse on him and wait for it to eventuate

February 22

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

Why on earth are you trying to be happy for him and his girlfriend? Personally, I'd throw anything of his on a fire, dance naked around it with my witchy friends and put a curse on him and wait for it to eventuate

Because I feel like I’m losing my mind. I feel like everyone’s gone on. But ME. And I’m still stuck constantly thinking “how could you have done this to us.” I feel like I’m doing all the ‘right’ things to rebuild and move forward with my life and I know that takes time, but I’m still devastated over it and the feeling hasn’t gotten much better. I’ve read so many articles that stress to maintain a good healthy relationship with a person like this “for the sake of the children”. And I can’t even fathom it. I can’t fathom small talking or joking and just acting like all is ok and nothing for is wrong and putting on a show to model a “good healthy relationship”. I just choose to stay away and send my children off to him when it’s his day to have them.

February 22

10 hours ago, MsJayne said:

You don't mention whether you work, but if you don't that would be my first bit of advice, find a job to support your daughters and work towards a better life. Your youngest is school age now so you have no reason to not be working during school hours. Most of all, get that divorce sorted and get every cent out of him that you're entitled to. I don't know any civilised country where a father who abandons the family gets to dictate where the family live according to his convenience, so I think you may have that wrong and are letting him feed you bu****it. Your therapist should be giving you guidance as far as getting full child support from him, at this stage it should be being garnisheed from his salary. It's odd that your daughters are full of praise for him and his girlfriend, most children resent a new partner after a family breakdown.

yes, I started working. I mentioned it in the 2nd paragraph now that my daughter has turned 5 and is school aged. His wages are also fully garnished. That’s how I’ve been receiving my spousal/child support all along through the courts - gets taken right from his paycheck. As for my children being “full of praise” for him and her. Thing is, they’re young. When he left my daughters were 8 and 3. The now 10 year old has more of a relationship with him compared to our younger daughter since she had more time with him home even though she has expressed he never looked “happy” while home with us and the now 5 year old I feel just doesn’t have the same attachment to have the resent of him abandoning us. She was too young to really understand what was happening. I remember the day he left he had a talk with the older one telling her he was going to go live somewhere else because he didn’t feel like he could get along with me anymore (my daughter looked confused) and he didn’t bother talking to the 3 year old because she would have never understood what he was saying. She had just turned 3 that month too. I’ve asked my kids if it feels strange that they see there dad living with another lady now and they say no because it’s been so long since he’s lived with us, that their just used to him not living with us anymore. Prior to moving into his girlfriends house last month, these last 2 years he was living in a family members guest room. So that’s there take on it. This to them is just there “new normal”. While to me, I’m heartbroken that my kids even have that kind of view.

February 22

It doesn’t sound like you’ve accepted the breakup but the more you keep feeling entitled to a marriage that is over the harder it it’ll be for you to accept your new reality too. Your kids are still young so I’m assuming you’re quite young too. Aren’t you glad in a way that you found out he’s that unhappy in the marriage and that is the calibre of person you’re dealing with dating not one but both of the only two women in his work team? I don’t really care what type of industry that is and how open minded but I guarantee you he’s living his own personal nightmare every day and his professional reputation is in the drain. Why would you ever want to have anything to do with such a man or find out if he feels remorse? A person who does that has deeper issues and is living in such turmoil that it’s difficult for anyone to comprehend. He didn’t want to be with you anymore and went back on his vows. I get it. It’s a very bitter pill. I went through a divorce too. You’ll get through this but keep telling yourself you’re far better without him than with and see his true colours early.

February 22

2 hours ago, glows said:

It doesn’t sound like you’ve accepted the breakup but the more you keep feeling entitled to a marriage that is over the harder it it’ll be for you to accept your new reality too. Your kids are still young so I’m assuming you’re quite young too. Aren’t you glad in a way that you found out he’s that unhappy in the marriage and that is the calibre of person you’re dealing with dating not one but both of the only two women in his work team? I don’t really care what type of industry that is and how open minded but I guarantee you he’s living his own personal nightmare every day and his professional reputation is in the drain. Why would you ever want to have anything to do with such a man or find out if he feels remorse? A person who does that has deeper issues and is living in such turmoil that it’s difficult for anyone to comprehend. He didn’t want to be with you anymore and went back on his vows. I get it. It’s a very bitter pill. I went through a divorce too. You’ll get through this but keep telling yourself you’re far better without him than with and see his true colours early.

Thank you. I’m 37 now. I know I still have lots of years left, but also feel like he stole a lot of my youth from me too. All of my 20’s and most of my 30’s - my prime I feel. But I have myself to take partial responsibility of that as well because there was always a strong feeling inside of me that something felt terribly off over the years. I never felt genuinely secure and safe around my husband. I just couldn’t put my finger on it. Believe me, I say what you’re saying to myself too. Like, why would I still feel a sense of attachment to a person of this caliber? I’ve had this deep rooted discussion in therapy many times. It all goes back to as you’ve stated in the beginning - acceptance. Accepting the situation for exactly what it is, not the fantasy of what I was hoping for it to be. I need to work on letting go of feeling like he crushed my dreams. This wasn’t just a fling or a break up for me. It was everything. We were a unit. I was his wife, we have children and we were a family. I just held that to the highest degree of value and it’s hard letting go of that and completely redefining what that looks like presently and for years to come. It’s changed things forever (even if I never necessarily had them when he was “home” with us). You can tell he was checked out long, long before. There was just a strong disinterest in me and our children after a while. I’d ask what was wrong because it was written all over his face, but he would always say nothing. He did later admit at some point after leaving that he just was tired of coming home to us everyday. It became too mundane. It’s why he likes things the way they are now. He sees his daughters a couple times a week for dinner and every other weekend. He gets enough freedom away to just live his own life around that where he doesn’t feel “chained” down to family life I guess.

Edited February 22 by understanding4you

February 22

7 hours ago, understanding4you said:

And I’m still stuck constantly thinking “how could you have done this to us.”

The answer to this question is, because he's so vile that you're still in shock and unable to process. The behaviours you mention, the affairs with co-workers, the way he puts himself before his children, his lack of genuine empathy for your situation - I smell the stench of a covert narcissist. It's often incredibly hard, sometimes impossible, to move on from these people because they're so toxic that long after they've gone you're left seething over their complete lack of respect and their spectacular self-absorption. Many people who stay in these relationships for years end up with PTSD, and if that's what's happening to you I take my hat off to you for soldiering on, being there for your kids and holding down a job. While he enjoys the security of living in a nice house he didn't have to pay for, (and probably sees it as 'his' house now), and gets to act like Father Christmas whenever he has the kids, (manipulation of the children and the new partner - let me know if you want me to explain this), you're the one left in the smouldering ruins created by his actions. I suggest doing some research on covert narcissism, get on YouTube and look up videos by Dr Ramani Durvasula and Dr Les Carter, experts on the topic. Gaining some understanding of what you're dealing with goes a long way towards healing from it. Like I said in my previous comment, his new partner is going to regret inviting him into her life. He'll get bored with her just as he did with you, her main value to him is that she owns property, and once he's burrowed in and sees it as his property, her value will drop and he'll commence the devaluation phase.

February 23

15 hours ago, MsJayne said:

The answer to this question is, because he's so vile that you're still in shock and unable to process. The behaviours you mention, the affairs with co-workers, the way he puts himself before his children, his lack of genuine empathy for your situation - I smell the stench of a covert narcissist. It's often incredibly hard, sometimes impossible, to move on from these people because they're so toxic that long after they've gone you're left seething over their complete lack of respect and their spectacular self-absorption. Many people who stay in these relationships for years end up with PTSD, and if that's what's happening to you I take my hat off to you for soldiering on, being there for your kids and holding down a job. While he enjoys the security of living in a nice house he didn't have to pay for, (and probably sees it as 'his' house now), and gets to act like Father Christmas whenever he has the kids, (manipulation of the children and the new partner - let me know if you want me to explain this), you're the one left in the smouldering ruins created by his actions. I suggest doing some research on covert narcissism, get on YouTube and look up videos by Dr Ramani Durvasula and Dr Les Carter, experts on the topic. Gaining some understanding of what you're dealing with goes a long way towards healing from it. Like I said in my previous comment, his new partner is going to regret inviting him into her life. He'll get bored with her just as he did with you, her main value to him is that she owns property, and once he's burrowed in and sees it as his property, her value will drop and he'll commence the devaluation phase.

I always tend to stay away from the narcissistic terminology just because of how highly used it is, but I understand why you say that. It’s very subtle and discreet. I’ve always took him to be a dismissive avoidant, but after looking up the characteristics of [covert] narcissism, I can see how the tendencies can overlap. I feel like I’m the only one that has this kind of experience with him, which then in turn makes me feel crazy. To everyone else, he’s so tender-hearted, generous, helpful, kind, well-liked, soft-spoken, well-mannered. The list goes on. Literally EVERYONE likes him and wants him in their corner. He’s the type of guy that will just say hello to you in passing if you’re a stranger crossing paths with him. That’s why it throws you for such a tailspin when he does something so out of character. I’ve even said these things to him before and he’s agreed that it’s not something he typically does. That it’s just with ‘me’ he’s been like this and he doesn’t like the person he’s become with ‘me’. Has made me feel like there’s something very wrong and unlovable about me. I’m never quite sure what the intent is in his behaviors or why he chose to drag things out for so long. I try not to ruminate and go down the rabbit hole of the why’s and try to take it at face value as a character flaw and a lack of integrity on his part. Like I'm thinking back even 5 years into the marriage with incident #1 (that’s not that long being married) that he was already straying into the arms of an ex-girlfriend. It was strange. I received an “I’m sorry, it was a selfish move, I did it out of feeling bored in our marriage” ???? And then it was as if it never happened. I remember just feeling so flabbergasted and unsure what to do. Although I’m still bewildered by everything I’ve gone through with him, I’m also equally upset with myself because I always knew something was off. My body ALWAYS felt nervous around him. I feel like there were always sirens going off inside me telling me to get out. Always, long before children or getting married, but I would just stay put and endure the discomfort I’d feel inside.

You mentioned Father Christmas - do explain, is that like a Disneyland Dad?

February 23

19 hours ago, understanding4you said:

Thank you. I’m 37 now. I know I still have lots of years left, but also feel like he stole a lot of my youth from me too. All of my 20’s and most of my 30’s - my prime I feel. But I have myself to take partial responsibility of that as well because there was always a strong feeling inside of me that something felt terribly off over the years. I never felt genuinely secure and safe around my husband. I just couldn’t put my finger on it. Believe me, I say what you’re saying to myself too. Like, why would I still feel a sense of attachment to a person of this caliber? I’ve had this deep rooted discussion in therapy many times. It all goes back to as you’ve stated in the beginning - acceptance. Accepting the situation for exactly what it is, not the fantasy of what I was hoping for it to be. I need to work on letting go of feeling like he crushed my dreams. This wasn’t just a fling or a break up for me. It was everything. We were a unit. I was his wife, we have children and we were a family. I just held that to the highest degree of value and it’s hard letting go of that and completely redefining what that looks like presently and for years to come. It’s changed things forever (even if I never necessarily had them when he was “home” with us). You can tell he was checked out long, long before. There was just a strong disinterest in me and our children after a while. I’d ask what was wrong because it was written all over his face, but he would always say nothing. He did later admit at some point after leaving that he just was tired of coming home to us everyday. It became too mundane. It’s why he likes things the way they are now. He sees his daughters a couple times a week for dinner and every other weekend. He gets enough freedom away to just live his own life around that where he doesn’t feel “chained” down to family life I guess.

The new identity as a single person takes awhile. He’s not a family man in the marriage sense with you after all and in spite of all the good qualities you saw ultimately this life wasn’t for him.

and one more thing, I read the title of the thread and being happy for a person like that is really quite stretching it. It sounds almost sarcastic or intentionally facetious because you’re not at all obligated to be happy for him and his new partner. You’re still putting in a great deal of emotion into his new life when none of that is needed. At all. You have the right to reserve your thoughts and emotions on situations that are uncertain and not to your benefit to waste time or energy emoting about. This is absolutely one of those situations.

Acceptance, yes. To provide for your family and feel more like yourself, recognize he’s no longer your partner. I wouldn’t spend any further thought or feeling on his personal life. You don’t owe it to anyone to be happy for them or feel joy when you hear about them. I think you’re rushing yourself and putting pressure on yourself to feel happy for him when it’s not appropriate nor required.

February 23

8 hours ago, understanding4you said:

You mentioned Father Christmas - do explain, is that like a Disneyland Dad?

Yes, similar concept except there's a more sinister reason than just trying to make up for absenteeism. Playing the role of Fun Dad serves two purposes, one is that it makes the children bond to him in adverse circumstances, and two, far more important than the children, is that it makes his new partner see him as a good guy. It's all part of him managing his image, it has nothing to do with him caring about his daughters, it's much more about him manipulating how his new partner perceives him. More than likely she's been fed a very negative view of you and you've been cast as a terrible wife who drove him away, and his Great Dad act is all part of keeping this lie going.

8 hours ago, understanding4you said:

I always tend to stay away from the narcissistic terminology just because of how highly used it is,

Yes, valid point, but it is actually quite common. It's rare for narcissism to be an actual personality disorder, however people with low to mid-range narcissistic traits aren't that unusual. The varying degrees of it, and the fact that hiding the true self is the crux of it, are the reasons it's so hard to for mental health professionals to diagnose.

8 hours ago, understanding4you said:

feel like I’m the only one that has this kind of experience with him, which then in turn makes me feel crazy. To everyone else, he’s so tender-hearted, generous, helpful, kind, well-liked, soft-spoken, well-mannered. The list goes on. Literally EVERYONE likes him and wants him in their corner.

This is a classic symptom of dealing with a narc and part of the reason why they can provoke extreme distress in those who actually know the real person, prompting the victim of the abuse to question their own sanity, (and end up in therapy). The way you're describing him is reminding me of the Dan and Betty Broderick story. Betty ended up murdering Dan and serving a life term, and anyone who's ever dealt with a high-range narc knows exactly why she went crazy and shot him. He continued to manipulate and devalue her long after the marriage had ended and he'd remarried.

Anyway, maybe you should raise this subject with your therapist. If he/she is any good at their job they should have already pondered the possibility that you're the victim of narcissistic abuse, though may not be able to suggest it due to professional code of ethics, etc.

February 23

On 2/22/2025 at 4:42 AM, understanding4you said:

Because I feel like I’m losing my mind. I feel like everyone’s gone on. But ME. And I’m still stuck constantly thinking “how could you have done this to us.”

That's where "DETACHING" comes into play. Feeling happy and joyful for him is certainly not required or even anything I'd recommend. I doubt that anyone would, considering your situation and relationship with him.

On 2/22/2025 at 4:42 AM, understanding4you said:

I feel like I’m doing all the ‘right’ things to rebuild and move forward with my life and I know that takes time, but I’m still devastated over it and the feeling hasn’t gotten much better. I’ve read so many articles that stress to maintain a good healthy relationship with a person like this “for the sake of the children”. And I can’t even fathom it. I can’t fathom small talking or joking and just acting like all is ok and nothing for is wrong and putting on a show to model a “good healthy relationship”. I just choose to stay away and send my children off to him when it’s his day to have them.

A "good healthy relationship" for co-parenting does not need to entail small talk, joking around and acting fake. It means that you and he, and also an SO of his, since he has one, are capable of talking rationally, making plans and sorting out any issues INVOLVING THE CHILDREN.

That's what you need to aim for.

And get divorced.

February 24

On 2/23/2025 at 9:37 AM, glows said:

You don’t owe it to anyone to be happy for them or feel joy when you hear about them. I think you’re rushing yourself and putting pressure on yourself to feel happy for him when it’s not appropriate nor required.

Thank you for your response and insight. I find it so helpful and meaningful. I will say I think I feel this strong pressure tied into the part where there is the exchange of children still involved. I don’t even want to use the word coparenting, I really don’t. I’ve read countless advice columns, blogposts, podcasts, etc. on the topic and there always tends to be the same general information across the board, which I guess ties into the title of my post. There’s always this expectation “for the sake of the children” to portray this light of the other parent - after all they’re “part of them” so we’d never want to make them feel bad for not being able to “get along” with their dad because that in turn makes me look like the bitter, toxic one.

My point is - I want nothing to do with this person considering the level of betrayal I have encountered. One thing is growing apart with no ill intent and another is this level of abandonment and desertion and the choice instead of coming around 20% of the time to pick up your children and expecting to be held to a level of superiority for doing so that makes me sick to my stomach (but also makes me feel like I’m wrong for feeling that way). I have 0 respect for it. I juggle it all. The daily tasks day in and day out. The emotional and physical weight while having to live in a crime infested area, all while he’s nestled up with his girlfriend in her “luxury rental home” as advertised outside of the community entrance. I passed by it one day to see where my children are now staying on weekends when with him. My point is, it’s unforgivable, but it always seems the message is to somehow compartmentalize “the father of your children” and create a new relationship based on that new title, which doesn’t make a difference to me. So although the title of feeling happy for him doesn’t seem quite fitting, I guess Im just trying to in someway not just accept it for what it is, that’s one thing - but live (because I have to) with what’s constantly being thrown in my face (and not even deliberately - he’s just living his life) because I have to due to sharing children together.

February 24

I think it's unrealistic to aim to be happy for him. Rather, aim to get to a point where you feel nothing for him. Where you really don't care either way.

And you don't have to be happy and friendly for solid coparenting. Simply aim to be cooperative as per the terms of your custody arrangement and in discussion about schooling and hobbies and supporting childhood friendships etc.

February 24

7 minutes ago, blueskies said:

What do you "think or feel" is being thrown in your face?

What’s being “thrown” in my face is the constant reality of what is. The fact that I’m left to hold all the weight and do the brunt work, raise two young girls daily alone, live in a lowly, crime infested area shacked up in a one bedroom (because it’s all I can afford) doing this again, alone while he’s off living in what’s being advertised as luxury community homes. It’s not just and certainly isn’t deserving of our daughters. I’m struggling and that directly affects my children, dealing with the emotional, physical, and financial aftermath of a person who just up and quit because they decided “family” life just wasn’t for them. So when their father comes when it’s certainly to his convenience, sees his kids leisurely, lives a stress- free life that involves little to no day in, day out responsibility (yet all falls on to my lap) it most certainly feels like slap in the face, being “thrown in my face”, however you’d want to phrase it.

It’s almost like a life where you got to have a complete do-over, regardless of the choices you made in a sense. Just seems like there’s very little to sacrifice besides a couple nights a week here and there when you feel like seeing your children. Aside from that, skys the limit! Let the mother take care of it all because she made them all by herself! And there’s nothing you can do about it. Seems like that’s the standard in most cases.

February 24

46 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I think it's unrealistic to aim to be happy for him. Rather, aim to get to a point where you feel nothing for him. Where you really don't care either way.

And you don't have to be happy and friendly for solid coparenting. Simply aim to be cooperative as per the terms of your custody arrangement and in discussion about schooling and hobbies and supporting childhood friendships etc.

I get what you’re saying. I get it. Indifference. God, I so strive for that. I received a text from him a couple hours ago - here’s an example for those “being cooperative when it comes to coparenting” but when it comes to certain things I just don’t see a point. It was pertaining to a mass text email all parent of the school got just informing just about lice going around. So I get a text saying, “there’s lice going around at our daughter’s school?” to which I feel no need to respond. It’s a pointless text that doesn’t warrant a response. It’s things like this where I’m just not interested in communicating unless it is absolutely necessary.

February 24

I think a message like that could be either ignored or simply responded to with "apparently so"

It appears you haven't responded to those who are advising you to get a divorce. What's stopping you?

February 24

27 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I think a message like that could be either ignored or simply responded to with "apparently so"

It appears you haven't responded to those who are advising you to get a divorce. What's stopping you?

I had made mention of the divorce in the original post - I just started working again now that our youngest daughter is 5 and school aged so I’m saving the money I’m making for the actual divorce portion. He never divorced me. I will need a lawyer to determine the alimony portion that will be a permanent settlement to help me in rebuilding my life with my girls, among other things like a parenting agreement, where I’m able to relocate once I get better on my feet, etc. I wasn’t able to afford being able to hire someone to help me with these legalities nor was he willing to do anything on his end either - I would just get ignore about it every time I asked.

February 25

57 minutes ago, blueskies said:

Not sure what country you are in (in regard to what is required divorce wise) but HE certainly should bare a portion of the financial responsibility pertaining to HIS children.

He does. I went to court and was able to file an order for child and spousal support. It’s not much but it’s something and gets me by and now that our youngest is school aged (5) I’ve gone back to work, but I did that on my own by going to domestic relations where a formula is imputed. There’s no one fighting for you. It’s a county clerk that does the calculations based on job earnings of us both. There’s no one looking at the entirety of the situation lifestyle wise - what was the living condition like before desertion, parenting plans, divvying up other assets, etc. all things attorneys handle that involve the actual divorce portion. There’s this stuff to sort out, things to get put in order that he has no interest in dealing with at all. That’s my job. Which Im now saving to pursue.

Edited February 25 by understanding4you

February 25

You don't have to be happy for them. Try to focus more on simply not holding it against them (also known as forgiveness). It's not some kind of nod of approval. It's just choosing not to hold it against them moving forward. It's not easy at all, but I do think it's easier than trying to actually be happy for them.

February 25

On 2/21/2025 at 4:27 PM, understanding4you said:

My husband of 9 years (at the time - June 2022) cheated on me with his coworker and left me and our 2 young daughters who were 3 and 8 years old. It’s been 2 1/2 years since then. It was a traumatic experience. I’m hurt and appalled at the capability of the person I trusted with my life. I was in a state of shock and denial for the first year. I pathetically begged for him to stop what he was doing and to come back to us, but he said he was unsure of what he wanted and wasn’t able to make a decision. After a year of his uncertainty, I decided I was done waiting around and filed for child support and temporary spousal to be able to leave. So much happened in that first year. He cleared out our joint account since I stopped working a few months prior to him leaving and it was just his income being direct deposited into our account. He told me I would have to ask him for what I needed and he’d see if he could "swing" it. He left me with no car. We also rented and he stopped paying the rent which then put me in panic mode. I notified the landlords right away of what was going on. Thankfully they were understanding, but rightfully wanted their money. It was the force that led me to file for child and temporary spousal support to have control over some of the money to pay the bills. I wound up having to move from our rental home since my support didn’t cover the rental expenses. It was a nightmare. And it was all my nightmare to "figure out". Thank God I had my pension that I cashed out. It wasn’t much, but it allowed me to get myself a used car and pay the remainder of the rent owed and to come up with a security deposit on a place that cost less money a month to rent. I’m now living in a one bedroom with my daughters in a place of squaller because it’s all I can afford.

this is abuse^^^. All of it. So he abused you, got away with it, moved on and nobody holds him accountable. Meanwhile you have to figure out how to pick up the pieces of your life. I'm not saying this to try and make you get angry, as that won't help you.

You don't need to feel happy for this POS. Get the best settlement and build an awesome life for yourself, one baby step at a time. Don't worry about what he's doing, as he's not sorry and he never will be. He will continue to defraud whatever he can out of women.

Try choosing a really big goal and then breaking down what the first three steps to that goal will be. Then take the first step. Maybe one day you can be a really amazing lawyer who can serve women like yourself, and you'll be even better at your job than most because you've been in their shoes and know how they feel. Best wishes and good luck:)

February 25

Also -- this isn't legal advice because trust me I don't have any lol --but look in to the women's shelters in your areas and see if they have any legal services available. I used to work at a shelter for abused women, and they had some pretty decent legal services available even to women not living there. I'm worried he's going to try and strongarm or pressure you into taking less than you are rightfully owed. Also, this new girlfriend will likely start trouble once she gets comfortable. She's already housing him, so she clearly has long-term plans. In a few months she's going to start pushing him to go for more custody etc. so she can fulfill her happy family fantasy. I've seen it happen again and again-- a man who was totally lazy about finalizing a divorce, spending time with his kids etc. gets a new girlfriend who starts putting all these ideas in his head.

February 25

18 hours ago, IrinaM said:

Also -- this isn't legal advice because trust me I don't have any lol --but look in to the women's shelters in your areas and see if they have any legal services available. I used to work at a shelter for abused women, and they had some pretty decent legal services available even to women not living there. I'm worried he's going to try and strongarm or pressure you into taking less than you are rightfully owed. Also, this new girlfriend will likely start trouble once she gets comfortable. She's already housing him, so she clearly has long-term plans. In a few months she's going to start pushing him to go for more custody etc. so she can fulfill her happy family fantasy. I've seen it happen again and again-- a man who was totally lazy about finalizing a divorce, spending time with his kids etc. gets a new girlfriend who starts putting all these ideas in his head.

Thank you for your input and words of encouragement. Funny you say to use this experience for greater good because it has made me figure out what I want to do with furthering my career and in turn rebuilding another part of my life. I have a Bachelors degree in Psychology and have practiced in varying degrees of social services, but I’m in the process of getting all of my admissions paperwork in order to start a Masters in Clinical Counseling come this Fall because I have a deep passion to want to help other women get through bad relationships and ugly divorces. It really is so complex and as I’ve heard some people admit, worse than death. It really does a number on your self worth and makes you question it. I was very confident in myself when I started dating my husband, but I remember it slowly feeling it being chipped away.

As for receiving legal services, I didn’t qualify. I tried. Only thing I was eligible for was an hour of legal consult. I couldn’t get any representation due to not having a domestic violence case. I’ve been receiving child and spousal support for the last year and a half. It’s how I’ve been surviving. It gets garnished directly from his paycheck. The divorce portion (being actual husband and wife legally) seems like the least of it, even though I know people stress it so much. I always felt like atleast I got the financial part somewhat squared away. No, I didn’t have an attorney to do so. Went myself to domestic relations to file for the supports to which it was granted (it’s all done by a formula). I know there’s chances I can receive more than I am, but like I said in my original post, now that I’m back to work, I’m saving to hire an actual lawyer to get me what I feel is fair amongst sorting out anything else that needs to be sort out. And when it comes to custody, he wouldn’t be too successful in that area nor do I think he’d even try being that he chose to move nearly 2 hours from us so him having more custody wouldn’t even make any sense with the large distance.

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How to truly be happy for my (still) husband and his girlfriend for my own good?

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