LonelyBoyOutsider Posted February 20 Share Posted February 20 Hi Everyone, Im a a middle aged musician mainly a guitarist having classical piano lessons with a 40 year old female professional rock singer and keyboard player. Ive been having lessons for four years and I developed intense feeling s for her first about a year ago. I then deliberately tried to supress them, avoided going to her gigs and looking at her social media presence which is quite big. More recetnly I have been triggered again by her saying we should do something social together. She suggested going to a gig of one of her other pupils. I didnt go and gave an excuse which I very much regret. she has also suggested going out with me foraging for wild food although weve yet to arrange anything. She probably just wants to be friends but my limerant mind races ahead and gets totally overwhelmed with emotion. Ive always been very shy and timid with women im really attracted to, so Ive settled with women I dont feel much for. Im in a long term realtionship with such a person who is lovely, but doesnt excite me much. The physical side of our realtionship was negligible for years what with kids and demanding jobs. I love her in a companionship way but was never in love with her, nor even fancied her that much. She has a very male appearance and characterisitcs. I crave a woman who is more feminine but clever and interesting. My piano teacher is such awoman. but my feelings for her are also based on our shared interest in music, classical and rock, and song-writing, Before the lesson proper we often discuss our lives and sometimes feelings - she suffers from bi-polar disorder. We also share a similar political outlook. Recently at a one of our two weekly lessons she broke down in tears. I teared up too - hated to see her in this state. This incident felt like the biggest complement she could pay me and further triggered my limerance. What to do? Abandon the lessons ? Take up her socialising offer. Ive had a lot of confliciting advice. I feel im in the last chance saloon of finding a passionate relationship with someone I really get along with. Also she is in a long term realtionship with the guitarist in her band, but I dont know what they`re realtionlship is like. On the surface seems to be very loving as does mine with my long term partner. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 20 Share Posted February 20 Please do not read her crying in front of you as a compliment. She would be just as likely to cry with any other sympathetic audience, because sympathy has a habit of bringing this result Anyway, there is a really easy solution to all of this: find a new teacher before you attempt to blow up her life and her band. Meanwhile, you may consider divorcing your wife, but the teacher will remain off limits. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LonelyBoyOutsider Posted February 21 Author Share Posted February 21 possibly she would but it feltl like a compliment to me. Why am i attempting to blow up her life - it was she who invited me out? Id be happy being friends. I dont want to divorce my wife either. What would the point of that unless my piano teacher felt the same as I - which I dont think she does. She does like me. We get along. She may have an open realtionship with her partner - Ive been in this situation before - it does happen. Its possible to love more than one person in different ways Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted February 21 Share Posted February 21 I'm shocked that you've received conflicting advice. I mean ... YOU ARE MARRIED. Quote I feel im in the last chance saloon of finding a passionate relationship with someone I really get along with. My man ... you left that saloon when you got married. You speak as if you're a single fellow dating, looking for Ms. Right. If you want to step back into the last chance saloon you'll need to get a divorce first. And, since you haven't been able to control your emotions where this musician lady is concerned, you really do need to get another teacher. She is asking you to do things because it's evidently fine for her to have opposite sex people to socialize with. You're right, she probably wants to be friends. That's normal. If she knew you were obsessed with her, she would probably feel differently. Get divorced though. I feel sorry for your wife. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 21 Share Posted February 21 17 minutes ago, LonelyBoyOutsider said: possibly she would but it feltl like a compliment to me. Why am i attempting to blow up her life - it was she who invited me out? Id be happy being friends. Given all you've written about your feelings for her and open and/or passionate relationships, it's pretty clear you're not looking for friendships Going to a gig of one of her other students isn't a date. 17 minutes ago, LonelyBoyOutsider said: I dont want to divorce my wife either. What would the point of that unless my piano teacher felt the same as I - which I dont think she does. She does like me. We get along. She may have an open realtionship with her partner - Ive been in this situation before - it does happen. Its possible to love more than one person in different ways Sounds like you've got it all sorted out in your head, so why are you posting here? Are you seeking permission or attention? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted February 21 Share Posted February 21 4 hours ago, LonelyBoyOutsider said: I dont want to divorce my wife either. What would the point of that unless my piano teacher felt the same as I - which I dont think she does. Are you serious? You say that you’re a middle aged man, but this is the talk of a selfish teenager. You should divorce your wife not because the teacher might like you, but because you don’t love your her and it’s unfair to her that she is stuck in a loveless relationship with you. In general, the story of your inability to be with women you’re attracted to and your settling for women you aren’t attracted to is alarming, not to say disturbing. My advice to you is to stop thinking of the teacher, divorce your wife, find a good therapist, solve your issues, and start dating again only when you’re positive that you won’t be getting together with women you aren’t attracted to anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 21 Share Posted February 21 6 hours ago, LonelyBoyOutsider said: She may have an open realtionship with her partner - Ive been in this situation before - it does happen. But are you in an open relationship? It doesn't seem so. Therefore, you should not be even entertaining the idea of hanging out with this woman alone. You can go out with her once you make yourself single. If you are not willing to do that, then there is nothing more to think about, really. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted February 21 Share Posted February 21 You’re in an unfulfilling relationship. A toad shaped companion will look better than your wife if she’s not attractive to you and you keep fantasizing of something better.. the main problem is your marriage. No matter what even if you get another teacher looking like a man like your wife you’ll still find a reason to cheat emotionally and eventually physically. Your marriage is the real issue here and your unhappiness. There are some hard decisions you’re going to make but that takes brutal honesty with yourself and courage. A lot of people don’t get divorced or leave their partners because they’re too scared to walk the talk. So my suggestion is to figure out what’s going on with your connection and whether you can rebuild intimacy with your wife. You dont seem to have any remorse or even guilt in continuing this inappropriate “friendship”. It’s not a friendship if you’re lusting after her or wanting something more. Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted February 21 Share Posted February 21 3 hours ago, LonelyBoyOutsider said: its always been more of a companionship thing, which develops in all long term relationsehips. It develops in long term relationships alongside romantic feelings and genuine physical attraction. Not instead of them. If a romantic relationship isn’t built on romantic feelings, it is doomed. 3 hours ago, LonelyBoyOutsider said: It’s possible to love people in different ways and to love more than one person at once. Sure, we love our parents or our children in a different way than our romantic partners. That isn’t applicable to your case. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted February 21 Share Posted February 21 (edited) It's not unusual to feel strong feelings for a therapist, for a mentor, or for a teacher--in this case a music teacher--you are really close to. It's a mistake to take those feelings seriously. These feelings are crushes really. You're projecting all the great qualities you want onto this woman. She has her own problems. You identified one--she's bipolar. But right now you're assuming time with her away from lessons would be spectacular. That's fantasy. Don't hang out with her--that's not going to take you anywhere. You just need to remind yourself that your feelings are a result of brain chemicals pumping into your body, creating a fantasy of this woman. Those chemicals are not saying anything important--though they make you feel like the feelings are important and true. Those chemicals don't care whether she is a crack addict or $100K in debt, or sexually involved with multiple partners or sleeping with an ex who is married and on and on. Edited February 21 by Lotsgoingon Link to post Share on other sites
Interstellar Posted February 21 Share Posted February 21 8 hours ago, LonelyBoyOutsider said: Jesus - Ill stick to the limerance forums. Completely crass, unempathatic insensitive comments. I do love my wife and we do have intimacy, but Ive never been "in love" with her - its always been more of a companionship thing, which develops in all long term relationsehips. Its possible to love people in different ways and to love more than one person at once. I dont actually "lust" after my teacher I feel really romantic towards her in a way I never felt with my partner. Goodbye everyone Then you should divorce your wife. You’re not in love with her. You feel romantic towards your teacher and not in love with your wife. Yeah that makes sense since you have higher interest level in your teacher which is 95% whereas with your wife it’s only 53%. That’s a massive gap. You’re not physically attracted to her and yet you settled and married her because you’re afraid to be alone. Smh. Do the poor woman a favor and wish her the best and let her go. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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