Close friend has become distant

[jrw81]

Hi everyone,

I'm new here.  I've had something that has been bothering me for the past 6 months and it's finally gotten to the point to where I'm in hope of some advice/opinions on my situation with my friend.  Here is some back story:

I met a woman at my previous job (working remotely from home) 2 years ago.  We were both hired at the same time and spent an intense 3 months in virtual training together. We started chatting, texting, and talking on the phone almost daily. We really connected and bonded over our high-stress job (which we both eventually quit last year) and we just got along great.  I had recently become a widow in 2022 and I greatly appreciated her friendship.  She was always just the sweetest, kindest soul to me.  She only lives about 45 minutes away from me.  At the time, she and her husband had recently moved here (New England) from the Midwest. Up until the last 6 months, she and her husband would almost always jump at the chance to get together with my boyfriend and I, and they even spent both Christmas and New Years with us a year ago. My boyfriend became pretty tight with her husband and she and I were like sisters and would have little coffee dates during the week.  We had a joke that we were "sister wives."  We always had the absolute best time with them. They would even express their extreme gratitude for our genuine friendship as they didn't really have any other friends here.  They would always say how difficult true friends are to find.  Whenever we got together with them, we never failed to laugh hysterically for hours on end and we always looked forward to the next time that we would see them.

However, we now haven't seen them in 6 months (the last time being last August), despite us frequently inviting them to join us on the weekends and also invited them to spend the holidays again with us this year.  I couldn't even get her to respond to that invite. My boyfriend texted her husband about a month ago and he never responded, which has never happened before. She now usually takes a long time to text me back (sometimes a few days to a week) and, when she does, it's always very brief and abrupt with long gaps in between messages, when she used to talk my ear off for hours. For the past 6 months, she has ignored every invitation to get together with us and I don't understand why.  She just won't give me an answer and completely dodges responding to my invites altogether.  She did reveal to me about a week or two ago that her husband is currently in between jobs (she's also currently not working) and they weren't sure "where they were going to land," but I have a strong feeling that something else is going on since this started happening before he lost his job. My boyfriend agrees, but we have no idea what it could be.  They did have very serious marital problems last year, even separating for about a month, and she would vent to me for hours and hours via phone and text about their problems, and her husband would talk to my boyfriend about the situation as well.  We were both very much there to support both of them and help them in any way that we could. We so badly wanted to see them work things out, which they eventually did...as far as we know...

I'm very hurt by her significant distance these last 6 months and I really miss seeing her (and her husband) very much.  I truly value our friendship, even to this day.  Both my boyfriend and I are at a complete loss as to why they've become so distant and elusive. I did actually chat with her on Facebook yesterday for a bit, but as soon as I invited her to hang out with us this weekend, she stopped responding and hasn't said anything else.  I did send her a message this morning saying that we really missed them, yet still no response. 

Should I just stop reaching out to her at this point?  I feel like I've really put a solid effort into our friendship, but she is no longer reciprocating.  In the 43 years I've been alive, I've never had this happen with a friend before, so I'm a bit at a loss.

Edited February 20 by jrw81

[basil67]

I'm sorry this happened - I can feel your hurt and disappointment through the screen.  

I've got one guess:  Both of them vented to both of you during all their marital problems.   Perhaps they now see the two of you as having become too enmeshed in their problems (not your fault!) and have left you behind with all the other bad memories of that time.    Or perhaps one of them doesn't want to see you because you were told all this bad stuff about them.  To be honest, I wouldn't want to be doing couple things with another couple where one or both have heard all terrible stuff about me.    If I'm right, I think both of them should have chosen to vent to a someone who wasn't friends with the partner.   Preferably a marriage counsellor

Anyway, to answer your question - I think you have no choice but to stop reaching out.  They've made it clear through their inaction that they've moved on from this friendship and sadly, there's nothing you can do about it.

 

[jrw81]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

I'm sorry this happened - I can feel your hurt and disappointment through the screen.  

I've got one guess:  Both of them vented to both of you during all their marital problems.   Perhaps they now see the two of you as having become too enmeshed in their problems (not your fault!) and have left you behind with all the other bad memories of that time.    Or perhaps one of them doesn't want to see you because you were told all this bad stuff about them.  To be honest, I wouldn't want to be doing couple things with another couple where one or both have heard all terrible stuff about me.    If I'm right, I think both of them should have chosen to vent to a someone who wasn't friends with the partner.   Preferably a marriage counsellor

Anyway, to answer your question - I think you have no choice but to stop reaching out.  They've made it clear through their inaction that they've moved on from this friendship and sadly, there's nothing you can do about it.

 

I really appreciate the feedback!  I actually kind of had the same thoughts, that maybe they now feel uncomfortable and maybe even a little embarrassed after they aired so much of their dirty laundry to us and kind of put us in the middle of their mess last year (it started in early March of last year and went on for a few months).  It was actually her who stopped all communication with him.  They had a couple of different points of contention in the marriage that I won't get into because it would take too long.  He was working as a long-haul truck driver at the time, so he was away from home and on the road Monday-Friday, so she stayed at their home during the week when he was gone and then left on Fridays before he got home to stay with a friend in the area, then would go back home on Mondays after he had left for the week.  She blocked his number and wouldn't even talk to him for that entire month.  He begged and pleaded with her to go to counseling, but she refused for the longest time (she did finally eventually agree to go).  She said horrible things about him to me, but he was actually very respectful of her and spoke every eloquently about their situation.  He actually came to hang out with us alone one Saturday in early April of last year when they were separated and we could tell how heartbroken he was over the entire situation.  Once they finally got back together and were working things out, they came to spend time with us a few more times last summer.  We had a great time over Memorial Day weekend with them and the couple of other times we saw them after that, but then it all just suddenly stopped after the last time we saw them at the end of the summer, including the communication.  

I also agree that it was probably a bad idea for them to involve us in their marital problems, at least as much as they did.  One night, she kept me on the phone for 4+ hours, well past midnight, just venting endlessly.  

I think you're right that I'm just going to have to stop reaching out.  I'm not going to chase her or beg for them to spend time with us and have things go back to the way they were.  The ball is in their court.  They know that we miss seeing them, but you can't force a friendship/connection.  We may never know for sure know why this happened, but it's sadly out of our control.  It really does break my heart.  I've never had a connection like that with another woman. 

Edited February 20 by jrw81

[ShyViolet]

I don't know why they have become distant, but the fact is that they are making it very clear they do not want to be friends anymore.  When someone does not respond to invitations to hang out, you cannot keep hounding them, chasing them, asking over and over.  When someone does not respond to your messages or invitations to hang out, they are putting up clear boundaries and letting you know they are not interested.  And to keep asking over and over and over is kind of crossing a line and disrespecting their boundaries.  Yes it would be nice if they would tell you the reason, but they don't have to.  You're not going to make them want to be friends with you again by asking them over and over.  You can't force it, at some point you need to just let it go and leave them alone.

[glows]

I would understand that their marriage was /may still be very much on the rocks and they’re figuring out their employment  situation. One of those topics alone is enough to make many people hit pause in their friendships or socializing out of stress and dealing. I agree with all the points above as well. Too much enmeshment and no more reaching out or invitations. I’m sure they know you’re both always there. 

Their lives may be changing drastically or they found hanging around the both of you just wasn’t healthy at all. She said so many negative things about her husband for instance to you instead of communicating with him? Does that make sense to you? And I am not sure why you or your husband even want to be a part of that? Do you feel healthier not being a part of their marital drama now? I don’t mean to kick you when you’re feeling down but the power dynamic here is very skewed. You see her as a sister wife or someone at a similar professional level or an equal but you’re very much not equals in your personal lives.. at all.

There’s discord and they’re struggling in their marriage and possibly their finances and their priorities are probably very different from yours and your husbands. You’re worlds apart. You may have grown apart due to circumstances. They’ve got far bigger fish to fry and may not have the emotional, mental resources to maintain a friendship. They’re also driving out 45 min to see both of you and seems you do a lot of the hosting? That’s gas money or transportation costs too. Or if you’re going out it’s money spent, possibly unaffordable at this time. We don’t know but could it be likely? I wouldn’t take any of this personally. They have major problems it seems and need that space to figure things out. You seem like a caring person. You’re just not in the same headspace or dealing with the same things.

[jrw81]

On 2/22/2025 at 12:50 AM, glows said:

I would understand that their marriage was /may still be very much on the rocks and they’re figuring out their employment  situation. One of those topics alone is enough to make many people hit pause in their friendships or socializing out of stress and dealing. I agree with all the points above as well. Too much enmeshment and no more reaching out or invitations. I’m sure they know you’re both always there. 

Their lives may be changing drastically or they found hanging around the both of you just wasn’t healthy at all. She said so many negative things about her husband for instance to you instead of communicating with him? Does that make sense to you? And I am not sure why you or your husband even want to be a part of that? Do you feel healthier not being a part of their marital drama now? I don’t mean to kick you when you’re feeling down but the power dynamic here is very skewed. You see her as a sister wife or someone at a similar professional level or an equal but you’re very much not equals in your personal lives.. at all.

There’s discord and they’re struggling in their marriage and possibly their finances and their priorities are probably very different from yours and your husbands. You’re worlds apart. You may have grown apart due to circumstances. They’ve got far bigger fish to fry and may not have the emotional, mental resources to maintain a friendship. They’re also driving out 45 min to see both of you and seems you do a lot of the hosting? That’s gas money or transportation costs too. Or if you’re going out it’s money spent, possibly unaffordable at this time. We don’t know but could it be likely? I wouldn’t take any of this personally. They have major problems it seems and need that space to figure things out. You seem like a caring person. You’re just not in the same headspace or dealing with the same things.

No, they're not driving 45 minutes to us.  My boyfriend and I actually spend most of our weekends and holidays in their area, only about 10-15 minutes from their home, so we are very close to them.  I definitely agree that they are very likely struggling in their marriage as well as probably financially with her husband being between jobs and her not working at all.  I did hear from her on Friday and she admitted that it had been a long time since we had gotten together and said that "life has been hectic," but she didn't say anything else.  We had invited them to my mother's birthday party next weekend, but she dodged the invitation and simply said, "Your mother will love that!"  So, I'm done reaching out.  I've tried, but they are clearly not in a place where they want or are able to socialize.  They clearly have a lot on their plate right now and I'm sure they're overwhelmed.

Yes, she spent hours venting to me about her husband as well as his teenage son (her stepson).  At one point, she even made suicidal statements to me and then at another time made me think that her safety was in jeopardy and that her husband was going to harm her.  She wouldn't answer any of his calls or texts and blocked his number for about a month.  At one point, she told her husband that he had to choose between her and his son, and he said as much as he loved her, he would obviously have to choose his son.  She did admit to me several months ago that she had cheated on her husband with another guy when she went home to the Midwest for a week for a relative's wedding.  It was all VERY dramatic and even draining for me.  However, I still tried my very best to be there for her because that's the type of friend I am.  My boyfriend agrees that I should longer reach out to her as they clearly are not interested in spending time with us any longer.  He reached out to her husband once about a month ago, but he never responded to his text, so we're done trying.

Edited February 24 by jrw81

[jrw81]

On 2/21/2025 at 2:14 PM, ShyViolet said:

I don't know why they have become distant, but the fact is that they are making it very clear they do not want to be friends anymore.  When someone does not respond to invitations to hang out, you cannot keep hounding them, chasing them, asking over and over.  When someone does not respond to your messages or invitations to hang out, they are putting up clear boundaries and letting you know they are not interested.  And to keep asking over and over and over is kind of crossing a line and disrespecting their boundaries.  Yes it would be nice if they would tell you the reason, but they don't have to.  You're not going to make them want to be friends with you again by asking them over and over.  You can't force it, at some point you need to just let it go and leave them alone.

I haven't asked over and over.  In fact, I have only extended invites once every 6-8 weeks or so since the last time we saw them 6 months ago and I only ask once, so I am absolutely not "hounding" her.   

[ShyViolet]

6 hours ago, jrw81 said:

I haven't asked over and over.  In fact, I have only extended invites once every 6-8 weeks or so since the last time we saw them 6 months ago and I only ask once, so I am absolutely not "hounding" her.   

Your first post says that you have sent invitations to them "frequently" in the last 6 months.

In any case I think you know at this point that it's time to leave it alone and stop reaching out.  

[MsJayne]

I think what can happen in this situation is that the unhappy person who chooses to stay in the toxic relationship has to blame-shift to justify them staying, so a friend who supports them can be cast in the role of meddler and is consequently banished. In your situation there's also the comparison factor, you're in a relatively new relationship where all's going well, and she's in a toxic marriage where they're both currently unemployed, so that would make for an unbalanced friendship from her point of view, she may be be feeling like the 'poor relations'. Hopefully she will get past it and contact you in the future. 

 

[jrw81]

37 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

I think what can happen in this situation is that the unhappy person who chooses to stay in the toxic relationship has to blame-shift to justify them staying, so a friend who supports them can be cast in the role of meddler and is consequently banished. In your situation there's also the comparison factor, you're in a relatively new relationship where all's going well, and she's in a toxic marriage where they're both currently unemployed, so that would make for an unbalanced friendship from her point of view, she may be be feeling like the 'poor relations'. Hopefully she will get past it and contact you in the future. 

 

This could have something to do with it.  My boyfriend and I have been together for exactly 2 years and we have a great relationship.  She has even told me in the past that she wishes that she and her husband had what my boyfriend and I have.  There was A LOT of drama in their marriage last year.  It honestly got to a point where it was exhausting just listening to her talk about it.  There would be times where I would be mentally drained after being on the phone with her listening to her rant for hours.  My boyfriend thinks that she was using me just to have me in her corner to validate/justify her behavior.  I have no idea what is going on in their marriage now and I haven't asked.  If she wants to talk or get together, she knows how to reach me, but I will no longer be the one initiating contact. 

Edited February 24 by jrw81

[Acacia98]

7 hours ago, jrw81 said:

Yes, she spent hours venting to me about her husband as well as his teenage son (her stepson).  At one point, she even made suicidal statements to me and then at another time made me think that her safety was in jeopardy and that her husband was going to harm her.  She wouldn't answer any of his calls or texts and blocked his number for about a month.  At one point, she told her husband that he had to choose between her and his son, and he said as much as he loved her, he would obviously have to choose his son.  She did admit to me several months ago that she had cheated on her husband with another guy when she went home to the Midwest for a week for a relative's wedding. 

This is kinda troubling to read. I think this relationship will eventually break down. I actually hope it will because it sounds abusive. 

So was her safety genuinely at risk? And now? What has changed? Why are they back together if she believes he's dangerous?

And that part about her asking him to choose between her and his teenage son is especially troubling. I understand why he said he would choose his son. That is the right answer, of course. But why on earth is he still in a relationship with her?

Anyway, I think I understand why y'all have been pushed away. Their relationship is built on a shaky foundation but neither of them is ready to let go of it yet. If they engage with you and your guy, they will have to admit to themselves that things are not great (because of everything you know about them), and they just don't want to do that yet.

[jrw81]

13 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

This is kinda troubling to read. I think this relationship will eventually break down. I actually hope it will because it sounds abusive. 

So was her safety genuinely at risk? And now? What has changed? Why are they back together if she believes he's dangerous?

And that part about her asking him to choose between her and his teenage son is especially troubling. I understand why he said he would choose his son. That is the right answer, of course. But why on earth is he still in a relationship with her?

Anyway, I think I understand why y'all have been pushed away. Their relationship is built on a shaky foundation but neither of them is ready to let go of it yet. If they engage with you and your guy, they will have to admit to themselves that things are not great (because of everything you know about them), and they just don't want to do that yet.

At the time she made me believe she was unsafe (March of last year when their problems first started), she said to me, verbatim, "If anything happens to me, it's no accident."  I even offered to pick her up and bring her back to my house if she truly felt unsafe and her response was, "No, just help me find moving boxes if you can."  I later realized that her husband was not even home at the time she said this since he was on the road for work.  Later on, during another conversation, she made suicidal statements to me and asked me to promise to take care of her cats.  She also told me that she had said to her husband that she was going to "blow her brains out" to make him "realize what he was doing to her."  It was A LOT.  I again offered to go and get her, but she declined my offer.  She told me several times that she was going to file for divorce, but she clearly never did as they ended up getting back together.  It was just a huge mess that I feel we kind of got dragged into as their sounding boards.  I'll admit that there was a time when I finally pulled back a bit and didn't engage when she started texting me ranting about the same things over and over again and there were a couple of times when she asked me to call her, but I didn't because I knew I would be on the phone for at least an hour listening to all of this and I just didn't have the time or the energy.  I told her that I was at the gym or tied up with work and would call her later.  I had simply reached my breaking point with the whole thing.  The most ridiculous statement she made to me was in June of last year (after they had gotten back together), when she texted me saying that she was going to leave him (again) because she was mad that she had prepared dinner for him and his son and they had eaten on the couch rather than at the table and she felt "disrespected."  At that point, I started thinking that she is looking for any out that she can possibly find. 😐

From what I know of her husband, he is a VERY good man and a hard worker who supports his family.  He was heartbroken when he came to hang out with my boyfriend and I solo during their separation.  I just didn't know what to believe when she was telling me all of these things about him.  She said that he drinks very heavily on the weekends and becomes extremely abusive.  I just have no idea what the truth is.  

Edited February 25 by jrw81