I really messed up, Im stupid! snooping love betrayal broken male

[broken male]

OK, I have had to come here for advice. I'm pretty much on my lonesome in this wide world.

I’m 45+, my wife is slightly younger, and we share 8 children and some grandchildren. We’ve been married for 15 years.

We’ve had struggles throughout our relationship due to people and even family. My wife used to be very jealous and insecure with my female friends—and even women in general. She had four children before we met that i took on as my own, and we had four more children. We both had been out of destructive relationships for around two years. I was dealing with CBR (Cognitive Behavioral Reprogramming) and past mental health problems. But she and the children were my lifesavers, pulling me through. we have always loved each other so far as seeing each other old with each other. growing old n grey together.

I was in a quite popular scene, had a large following, and used to have a "like" program on Facebook that liked every photo automatically of my followers (a firefox plugin) and added people as well. I was very unfiltered and did it for the promotion side of my job. It turns out some of these were s*x bots, etc. It really upset my wife, but these were on there years before we got together. I made a new one social media account, but then she thought I was hiding stuff. So, I had to go and delete everyone, one by one, every like and message. It took so long, but I did everything I could to make her feel secure. And, to be honest, I didn’t need people like that, so I made my social media more personal.

Now the tables have turned. I’m settled and hardly on social media, and now she’s on it all the time. A few years back, I checked her messages as she seemed secretive, and I found out she was talking to another man. The conversations were long and not intimate per say, but to me, they seemed very borderline. I felt emotionally cheated on. She removed him, but then my gut told me again to check to make sure. So, I snooped onto another Facebook, and she was on there talking to him. He made a comment that was unsettling about me not being around. this was months later after the last time.

At that time, I didn’t see snooping as bad—just as a truth tool. It became a habit. Every now and then, about every five months, I’d check the internet to see if anything was going on—not snooping in her personal stuff, just public information. Anyway, things got really good, and for a few years, I felt the trust was built up, and I didn’t snoop again. She spends small periods in other countries, and everything has always been fine—no thoughts or anything. But then, one time, we would speak at night and say, "Love you, going to bed now," a call I used to look forward to, but then there was no call.

I knew she had told me she was going clubbing, a mature club. We argued in the morning, which started as just general talk. She said she was with colleagues, so I knew she was fine. She was in another country, and I was home sitting with the kids. I never snooped though, just felt uneasy. But for a year, everything was fine. We had various small arguments, as couples do, and believe me, I love her dearly, and I do trust her. It’s just that, at certain times, I haven’t.

This has happened a few times, but we didn’t argue; I just trusted her. The other day, it felt like déjà vu. The other day, however, was a different day for sure. She was away on the other side of the country and told me she was going out after her course, and she would call me when she got back to her Airbnb to let me know she was safe. She has illnesses as well that I support her with. she didnt and i tried to call, and straight through to voicemail. she had poor reception there.

I messed up so badly. I ended up logging into her Google Drive and finding some photos that weren’t cheating but were borderline banter. In the morning, we argued about it, and I didn’t realize how badly I violated her. But with her having secrets from me at that moment, secrets being id come in the room, she would turn her phone off, tilt her screen away from me, she has all my passes and pins, i am fully transparent but thats me. she used to be but that changed, probably my doing, I thought signs warranted me snooping but it was probably just habit and i was over thinking. I should never have done it. In a few of my past relationships, I found out I was being cheated on by snooping, and I saw it as a lifesaver. I never realized how much I hurt her until she came home.

I’ve put myself into psychological therapy to better myself, spoke to my doctor and the Samaritans. I don’t blame her for my past, and I’ve found it hard to let go of it. She wanted space, but in shock that I was about to lose her after 15 years, I found doing just that agonizing, which only made it worse by trying to talk and fix the mess i made. nothing i say or did was making things better. To the point that she said she hated me and didn’t want to be with me. Then she said she loved me and wanted me to stay. Then she said she loved me, but wasn’t "in love" with me. My mind knows what I’ve done, and it was the biggest wake-up call in the world.

She said the last time I snooped, I swore on my children’s lives id never do it again. I don’t remember that, and if I did, I hope God forgives me. I would never do it again, ever. I feel no need to. After I saw how much I hurt her, it killed me. I’m a husband, my family’s protector. I was so afraid of losing my family that I pushed her away. She now says she doesn’t know her feelings toward me. She loves me and wants to give us a chance. She said for the kids, but then she said for us. I never knew snooping would lead to this, and it was like 30 seconds of snooping that led to hours of arguments. I actually thought I was in the right.

I know some people would say, "You deserve to be alone, you deserve everything you get." I’ve been going through a very hard time and just finished therapy for intrusive thoughts, which brought up a lot of past issues, mainly with relationships. Most of the people I grew up with have snooped one way or another. I was scared that I didn’t know the trust. My wife has a different life away from me that she’s not prepared to involve me with. I just felt like a dad or stay-at-home husband. 

i was in a club years ago and saw this couple go to the bathroom, they had s*x then an hour later her boyfriend come and she was all over him like nothing had happened, i know so many men that are cheaters and i totally disagree with it and would never follow suit.

I have never cheated in my life, not even looked sexually at another female since I’ve been with my wife. My family unit is far more important than looking at another person’s flesh. I’ve never used violence but am guilty of shouting at times. I don’t throw insults. I’m not a bad person. What I did was bad, though. Of course, I don’t want to lose my family or wife. I don’t want my wife to not be in love with me. I’m working on myself and would never do that again.

What is your advice?

[Lotsgoingon]

I need a little help here understanding you.

Did she cheat on you? I couldn't fully tell.

Did you cheat on her?

Or was the thing you feel bad about that you snooped on her? If you snooped, is the guilt you have that you snooped or that she discovered you?

[broken male]

2 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

I need a little help here understanding you.

Did she cheat on you? I couldn't fully tell.

Did you cheat on her?

Or was the thing you feel bad about that you snooped on her? If you snooped, is the guilt you have that you snooped or that she discovered you?

ii didnt cheat, i thought she might be. she hadnt. i snooped on her and i told her. shes told me she loves me but not in love with me, maybe she will fall back in love with me, maybe she wont she doesnt know her feelings, i really hurt her. i feel as though she emotionally cheated on me and i have my reasons and i trust that she didnt phyiscally ever. i would never cheat ever. but i did snoop and would never again

[basil67]

2 hours ago, broken male said:

finding some photos that weren’t cheating but were borderline banter.

I'm very confused - banter is verbal, so what do photos have to do with it?  

[broken male]

28 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I'm very confused - banter is verbal, so what do photos have to do with it?  

photos of my wife in bed playing around with her two friends 1 women 1 man, the man is gay. another with her friend bearing all and she said she is safe with her. either way i over read things and i was wrong for snooping, it was a fact of if i was doing this would it be acceptable, and during my wifes paranoid phase for the begining part of our relationship , no way. now maybe yes maybe no, i dont know i wouldnt do that. its the fact her gay mate put the pic up on social media saying quick 3s up... i felt so disrespcted, fighting the fact hes gay, but knowing so many people could see it, just added to my insecurity at the time. i was wrong at the end of the day, i used that as an excuse to look for more information about that picture he put up and found several more. they were all clothed but you couldnt see and it did look like a joke. but i just over thought it. iv learned to chill out, i just didnt want to be a fool

[FredEire]

While spying on your partner is bad behaviour and I'm glad you now realise it, you seem to think the burden of repairing the relationship is entirely on you. You admit your wife was being deceptive and chatting/sharing pictures with other men.

I think you have to take a more complete view of the relationship, and realise that trust seems to have completely broken down on both sides.

I understand your kids are obviously a big concern and an incentive to keep things going, but sometimes a relationship reaches a point it's just not working anymore and both parties are behaving badly because they're not happy.

I come from a family where my parents "stayed together for the kids" and thought they were doing us a big favour because we couldn't handle them watching them divorce. As an adult, I can confidently say that watching them stay in a slowly disintegrating marriage was far more confusing and damaging than a separation would have been.

It's sounds to me that this may be something that would have ended long ago if there weren't family concerns. It's tough but I think you have to ask yourself some tough questions.

Edited February 21 by FredEire

[glows]

Can you let go of the fact that you don’t actually have to check on her? 

Also can you both stick to your word when you say you’re going to call or communicate better? 

You assumed something bad was going on when she didn’t call you while abroad working and there was breakdown in communication. I’m puzzled why was your instinct that she was cheating. She could have been eating with friends or passed out tired in hotel.

you were cheated on before and found snooping to be a good way to find out the truth but it doesn’t sound like you ever broke that cycle of thinking that you need to continue snooping. 

Instead of continuously asking her for updates on how she feels just stop and let her come to you. There’s an anxious type of attachment that’s suffocating the marriage. I understand you feel responsible but you have to find courage take a deep breath and tell yourself that you WILL be fine no matter what. You apologized and she said she wants to try so see how she responds as a partner and coparent in the coming months. You also might want to ask if you’re happy in the marriage if you still have your concerns or reservations that she was emotionally cheating. If you feel without a doubt that she is insincere then she’s not the one for you. Don’t keep groveling in the marriage and hoping it works when you don’t even trust her.

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, FredEire said:

I come from a family where my parents "stayed together for the kids" and thought they were doing us a big favour because we couldn't handle them watching them divorce. As an adult, I can confidently say that watching them stay in a slowly disintegrating marriage was far more confusing and damaging than a separation would have been.

I wish people would finally stop doing the whole “staying together for the kids” thing. Assuming to know that divorce would hurt the kids more than living with parents who don’t love each other is just pure ignorance, arrogance, and delusion.

Frankly, I think a lot of people do that not because they genuinely think it would be better for the kids, but because it’s more convenient to them.

[FredEire]

7 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

I wish people would finally stop doing the whole “staying together for the kids” thing. Assuming to know that divorce would hurt the kids more than living with parents who don’t love each other is just pure ignorance, arrogance, and delusion.

Frankly, I think a lot of people do that not because they genuinely think it would be better for the kids, but because it’s more convenient to them.

100%

I'm not diminishing the emotional impact of it. The fallout of ending something with someone you've gone through life with, the mother/father of your children, is huge.

But using your kids as a justification for trying to hold something broken together is cowardly, not only that but it does them a disservice.

I think as hard is divorce is for children with time it's a far healthier message for them in their adult dating lives that Mom and Dad had something that didn't work and they moved on, than they held onto it to the point it became loveless and completely lacking in trust 

Edited February 22 by FredEire

[introverted1]

On 2/20/2025 at 4:28 PM, broken male said:

photos of my wife in bed playing around with her two friends 1 women 1 man, the man is gay. another with her friend bearing all and she said she is safe with her. either way i over read things and i was wrong for snooping, it was a fact of if i was doing this would it be acceptable, and during my wifes paranoid phase for the begining part of our relationship , no way. now maybe yes maybe no, i dont know i wouldnt do that. its the fact her gay mate put the pic up on social media saying quick 3s up... i felt so disrespcted, fighting the fact hes gay, but knowing so many people could see it, just added to my insecurity at the time. i was wrong at the end of the day, i used that as an excuse to look for more information about that picture he put up and found several more. they were all clothed but you couldnt see and it did look like a joke. but i just over thought it. iv learned to chill out, i just didnt want to be a fool

I'm confused.  Were they baring all (naked) or clothed? 

Also, why does your wife have access to your passcodes and devices but does not reciprocate?

Her reaction sounds like DARVO to me. 

[smackie9]

She's gas lit you like a nuclear bomb going off.

[JAYGURL89]

You both have different boundaries. Communication would be much healthier. If you had told her all your fears before you snooped just yo get clarification and to ask if their was an issue on your part or hers only, not to just stop her from going out and enjoying life. 

I don't think you snooping once or twice is that bad, though. Unless you are accusing her constantly. Her friends may be in her ear also if you pester her when you're with them, as I know from being a woman myself. So she may have been up to something and using this as a way out. 

If you can, try and get therapy for you both. If she wants to be with you, then she should be working with you on creating a new way of communicating because this old way isn't working for you. You don't just fall out of love with someone either.

Women like her need validation, so I can imagine the attention you give her is only negative right now and feeds into the drama that her friends and her dissect. If you can, then give her some nice romantic attention that makes her feel desired and wanted, and you will be rewarded straight back. Sometimes, it just needs one person to take the first step. If she is done, then this is more than you just snooping once, and that doesn't mean because she is cheating either. She may even suspect that you have wanted to or tried to cheat in the past yourself. Or it may just be a pile of things that have accumulated over time. Either way, you can't make her stay as heartless as it sounds. Don't beg or plead. Just walk away and know that your life ain't over. You are improving yourself mentally, and women, especially those who are single, are crying out for men who want to be better. Men who are empathetic and don't put their sexual pleasures above all else are hard to find. If she stays, then just note that no matter what you do, people will cheat if they want to cheat. You just drive yourself insane and hurt yourself by trying to stop them. Just work on communicating with her. If this is guilt from your own thoughts and past actions, then you have a decision to make as it is eating you up. Either way, you need therapy to help you both be able to work the tools you need for a successful relationship. People snoop all the time with no guilt or a need to confess. I feel that when something is off between you and a partner, and you communicate this but your partner dismisses and gets angry ghat you are asking, and continues to behave in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable and they know it then 1 snoop isn't the end of the world. Just possibly the end of a relationship. She may not be fully aware of how you were feeling and how far you snooped so it looks worse in her head. Then she also may think it won't get any better and you will just escalate this behaviour. So just apologise sincerely and explain that it was irrational and not the correct way to go about it. Say that you want to change how you communicate with her, so would she go to couples therapy with you. If she says no, then say once more that you are sorry and you love her but nothing else (she may have time to think about it and by you not begging it can have her thinking that you are not a possesive and are thinking rationally so it could be just a 1 time mistake) and then walk away and give hef a period of time to get back to you. Don't beg or plead. Get a support network and hobby to keep you busy and to lean on. Keep up with  putting your kids first no matter what. Her and any woman you date will be seeing that you are a selfless, caring man who, apart from a few human mistakes, can mostly act like an adult. It shows how you are a leader and protector and are mentally stable enough to put your kids before you own painful feelings.  It will have her 2nd guessing it all. It will also say that you can apologise and are willing to work at something for the sake of someone you love, but you are not a door mat who can be used. The only crime you committed was from the fear of losing someone you love. That's all. 

The best advice I have heard on trusting people to not hurt you is..

We can't ever fully know that a person won't hurt you. Yiu can't ever control a person to prevent them from trying to hurt you. The only thing you can control is making sure that you are strong enough to cope with the betrayal.

So get mentally healthy and physically if you want. Then step into the ring if that's where this situation takes you. 

Edited March 7 by JAYGURL89

[Acacia98]

I'm not a fan of snooping, but I think you're being too hard on yourself. She has broken your trust before (emotional cheating is cheating). And it doesn't sound like the two of you addressed it sufficiently.

You've been given some good advice by the others. I second their insights.

And I just want to add that, generally speaking, if your instincts are telling you something is wrong, you shouldn't simply dismiss them. Keep your eyes open. And if you do notice something, observe it quietly over the long term. Don't rush to confront the other person or to tell them what you've observed. 

[JAYGURL89]

God, my spelling and grammar were tragic in that last rant I wrote. I blame my big thumbs and multi-tasking with fast writing skills. 

If you understood any of my previous posts, then it would be great to have a follow-up of your situation. I feel like there may be more context needed about your relationship before you were to take the wrong advice and had gone ahead with a decision that makes something final. Hopefully, that's not the case already. I hope you are well and just keep reminding yourself that negative emotions are not permanent and you will appreciate the good ones more when they come back.