ONECHIEFROCKA Posted February 19 Posted February 19 This is a very, very complicated topic (and a very complicated time in my life), so bear with me, as I will try to explain the situation the best that I can: Me and my girlfriend broke up in October. It was her call, but our relationship was declining for quite some time now (since at least late August). She always had a loud personality - we often argued, she was very vocal about things, but when we were alone, we were perfect. But almost every party we attended together, she found a reason to make an argument (she threatened to break up with me after I jokingly told my friend "I'm going to get beat up by her", after I jokingly snuck a beer under a table). I wasn't very devastated at first - I saw it coming, but to be fair I didn't have the guts to break up first. But for the first few months after the breakup, she treated me horribly. We tried to stay no contact, yet she would send an occasional text saying how she hates me etc, and I always ran back to her to make up with her. And we often did make up, but she decided to get mad at me again and again and again, repeating this cycle. We settled on hard NC in late November. At first it was horrible. I was in a horrible shape, both mentally and physically drained, I barely slept, got almost blackout drunk every weekend (had a lot of birthday parties to attend back then), went through my day on a massive load of painkillers. But the New Years rolled around and I have started feeling significantly better. By pure luck, I started talking to a new girl in early January. I've known her for a while, but we never really talked much. I encountered her in the mall when I was shoe-shopping, we ended up having lunch together and we came back home on the same train. We started meeting up on weekends, nothing really romantic, we just enjoyed each other's company. That's when my ex decided to come back. We talked for a few days, and she asked me to get back together. I declined politely, because I still remembered how she treated me after the breakup and the state which her behavior left me in. And then began the guilt trip. She told me she's suffering because of me, because I have chosen someone new over her, how she changed and she's sad that I don't notice it at all, yada yada yada. I am lost. First, she broke up with me, treated me like s***, created countless pointless arguments, and now she wants to come back, just because someone new appeared in my life. What the hell am I supposed to do? I still care about my ex, I don't want her to feel sad even after all this time, it is not revenge that I'm after. I really enjoy the new girl's company and I'm excited to see where this will take me.
NuevoYorko Posted February 19 Posted February 19 You know the answer. The relationship with the ex was toxic. You didn't describe anything positive about it. Don't get sucked back in because of guilt trips or emotional bullying. Be kind but steady and calm; hold your ground. Stop even engaging with her in any conversations about your past relationship or what she thinks of you. Be polite but just don't. I recommend you stop being available to talk with her. It's hard but breaking up is often that way. You need to move on with your life and so does she - you can do it 1
stillafool Posted February 19 Posted February 19 (edited) This is a no brainer. She broke up with you and now she is jealous you have someone else who is making you happy. Tell her good luck but you're not coming back. Trust me, nothing has changed or will change. Don't engage with her or you will end up losing the new girl. Edited February 19 by stillafool 1
Acacia98 Posted February 20 Posted February 20 9 hours ago, ONECHIEFROCKA said: We settled on hard NC in late November. (...) That's when my ex decided to come back. We talked for a few days, and she asked me to get back together. ONECHIEFROCKA, you need stronger boundaries. When you and your ex break up and go no contact, it's not supposed to be easy for her to waltz back into your life, manipulate you into talking for days, and guilt-trip you. If you have not already blocked her, you need to block her everywhere. And you also need to avoid situations where you're bound to bump into her. If despite all your efforts, you end up bumping into her and she initiates conversation with you, you should gently rebuff her. It's not like she's holding a gun to your head and will kill you if you don't listen to her. You need to be more assertive.That's how you can avoid being manipulated into feeling guilty.
Carlston Posted February 20 Posted February 20 4 hours ago, stillafool said: Tell her good luck but you're not coming back. Disagree. Tell her nothing. Maintain what is known as "dignified silence". It speaks volumes.
ExpatInItaly Posted February 20 Posted February 20 15 hours ago, ONECHIEFROCKA said: What the hell am I supposed to do? Be single for a while. You have some unhealthy relationship habits too, and you moved too quickly into something new before you properly processed and healed from this dysfunctional mess. That much is evident given that fact that you are even giving your ex the time of day. Let go of the new woman. She deserves someone who hasn't still got on foot in his past. Then learn to be on your own so you can approach dating with a healthier mindset and real boundaries. You aren't there yet. 2
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