WorldTraveler Posted February 17 Posted February 17 For a while now I’ve been mentally preparing for a potential move away from my hometown in the fall. I’ve kind of given up on my hometown and am desperate for a change of scenery as being here has started making me anxious. I’ve had a string of unsuccessful dating experiences and short casual flings over the past year, yet I always said that if I find someone that I’m really into, it might make me consider sticking around town a little longer. But I now keep finding my desire to leave growing and as a result keep self sabotaging various dates. It’s almost like I’m afraid of things going well and then being faced with deciding between location and a woman. I’ve been in this situation before with a previous relationship and it sucked and I think these past memories are preventing me from meeting potential women. I shoot myself in the foot and convince myself it won’t work even before the first date. Have another first date on Tuesday and already mentally am living months ahead rather than in the moment. So I’m just curious if it’s worth giving dating a shot if I have this desire to move? I know I won’t know until I try, but I’m scared of trying and then things going well which is absurd considering how much I’d like to settle down with someone at this point in my life. But I also don’t want to waste anyone’s time so I just don’t know what to do.
basil67 Posted February 17 Posted February 17 May I remind you of what you wrote last year about finding someone you want to be with, but them not wanting to move away? However, one of the issues that we had when we were together was that she has no desire to leave her hometown. Her parents live there with her brother who has an intellectual disability. And after being away from them for 10 years, she has no desire to leave. The problem lies with the fact that I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in the city that she calls home. When we were dating, I tried multiple times to make it work. I tried to be positive and give the city a chance, but it simply wouldn’t work. I used to try many times to plant the seed and suggest nearby cities or states seeing if she would ever be open to living close by to her family, but she would never budge and it appears that this is a non-negotiable for her. So basically, if I wanted a future with her, I was gonna have to be the flexible one and make this large sacrifice. Three years ago, I struggled with the same thoughts and fears that I do now. I'm old, and the last time I dated it was before OLD, but I do read so many people complain about how terrible OLD is and some of the biggest complaints are those dates who are time wasters. Or those who aren't ready to be in a relationship. Or those who just want a night out with someone....and kindly, this kinda sums up your upcoming date. Short of her profile expressing that she wants to get away from this place, what is the point of dating her if you're not wanting to settle down where she lives? You could rationalise that it's OK to go on a date with no future and risk hurting her (and yourself) because there's already so many time wasters out there. But the fact that others are doing it doesn't make it ethically right. Instead of going on this date, how about making the change in location sooner rather than later? Then start dating in the city where you want to keep living 5
glows Posted February 17 Posted February 17 Did you ever mention what was the reason you don’t like your hometown. I haven’t read your post history. Why have you given up and why do you want a change of scenery. Lots of people feel this way but eventually have to face the fact there’re either just running away from unresolved issues (escapism) or truly have plans elsewhere. Like what exactly is your plan overall? if you’re going on dates they’re probably going to have the same question about you. What is this guy actually about???? 1
Els Posted February 17 Posted February 17 Just wait until you're in your new city before you start actively dating again. I mean, people in your situation can and do meet someone organically, fall in love, and then handle the logistics of relocating when the time comes. It's not necessarily a dealbreaker. But specifically LOOKING for dates with the stated intention of a relationship when you already know you are moving feels self defeating and disingenuous. Why even waste your time and the other person's time like that? 1
Author WorldTraveler Posted February 17 Author Posted February 17 5 hours ago, glows said: Did you ever mention what was the reason you don’t like your hometown. I haven’t read your post history. Why have you given up and why do you want a change of scenery. Lots of people feel this way but eventually have to face the fact there’re either just running away from unresolved issues (escapism) or truly have plans elsewhere. Like what exactly is your plan overall? if you’re going on dates they’re probably going to have the same question about you. What is this guy actually about???? Well I’ve grown up here and been living here for more than 20 years. After living in other cities briefly and then returning I’ve come to realize nothing has really changed. I see my friends less and less now that we’re in our 30’s and I just find myself getting anxiety and depression feeling like I’m missing out on other opportunities. I’ve had people tell me that I was happiest when I was living elsewhere. Not to go into details as it’s being addressed in therapy, but everywhere I go in my hometown acts as a reminder that both myself and my parents are getting older. Flooded with memories both good and bad and for some reason it’s been really unsettling and leading to an increase in anxiety.
Author WorldTraveler Posted February 17 Author Posted February 17 1 hour ago, Els said: Just wait until you're in your new city before you start actively dating again. I mean, people in your situation can and do meet someone organically, fall in love, and then handle the logistics of relocating when the time comes. It's not necessarily a dealbreaker. But specifically LOOKING for dates with the stated intention of a relationship when you already know you are moving feels self defeating and disingenuous. Why even waste your time and the other person's time like that? Well nothing is 100% official in regard to a move and like I said I’d be willing to stick around for the right person considering my friends and family are here. I’ve just been trying to determine what exactly it is that’s taking away from my happiness. Is it the lack of a partner or simply a desire for new and exciting experiences? A question that only I can answer but figured I’d try to at least take one day at a time and stay in the moment - something I frequently struggle to do. And if things ended up taking off with a potential partner offering full transparency and explaining my feelings if it came down to it before either party got too involved.
basil67 Posted February 17 Posted February 17 2 minutes ago, WorldTraveler said: Well nothing is 100% official in regard to a move and like I said I’d be willing to stick around for the right person considering my friends and family are here. But you weren't willing to stick around for the girl I quoted you writing about....but were keen enough to want her to come with you. What has changed since then?
Author WorldTraveler Posted February 17 Author Posted February 17 32 minutes ago, basil67 said: But you weren't willing to stick around for the girl I quoted you writing about....but were keen enough to want her to come with you. What has changed since then? That was regarding moving to my ex’s location, a city I was not fond of. Logistically it obviously didn’t workout due to these incompatibilities. Currently, I still am considering a move away from home just as I was then. Forgive me if I’m missing the point here but I’m not sure what you’re referring to.
glows Posted February 17 Posted February 17 2 hours ago, WorldTraveler said: Well I’ve grown up here and been living here for more than 20 years. After living in other cities briefly and then returning I’ve come to realize nothing has really changed. I see my friends less and less now that we’re in our 30’s and I just find myself getting anxiety and depression feeling like I’m missing out on other opportunities. I’ve had people tell me that I was happiest when I was living elsewhere. Not to go into details as it’s being addressed in therapy, but everywhere I go in my hometown acts as a reminder that both myself and my parents are getting older. Flooded with memories both good and bad and for some reason it’s been really unsettling and leading to an increase in anxiety. So you are moving to avoid reminders about growing older??? Why can’t you pursue opportunities from your living room? I don’t get it. You could a book a trip anywhere and visit for holiday or just watch a YouTube doc. I see you’re in therapy and great to hear. Maybe you don’t want to go into details but this is something to dig deeper. What if you move somewhere meet someone and this thing happens all over again. Want to move and self sabotage. You’re not very settled or don’t seem happy with yourself. ?? If there is some other more specific reason to move then do it! Pursue your dreams. But not really sure here what they are 1
FredEire Posted February 17 Posted February 17 16 hours ago, WorldTraveler said: For a while now I’ve been mentally preparing for a potential move away from my hometown in the fall. I’ve kind of given up on my hometown and am desperate for a change of scenery as being here has started making me anxious. I’ve had a string of unsuccessful dating experiences and short casual flings over the past year, yet I always said that if I find someone that I’m really into, it might make me consider sticking around town a little longer. But I now keep finding my desire to leave growing and as a result keep self sabotaging various dates. It’s almost like I’m afraid of things going well and then being faced with deciding between location and a woman. I’ve been in this situation before with a previous relationship and it sucked and I think these past memories are preventing me from meeting potential women. I shoot myself in the foot and convince myself it won’t work even before the first date. Have another first date on Tuesday and already mentally am living months ahead rather than in the moment. So I’m just curious if it’s worth giving dating a shot if I have this desire to move? I know I won’t know until I try, but I’m scared of trying and then things going well which is absurd considering how much I’d like to settle down with someone at this point in my life. But I also don’t want to waste anyone’s time so I just don’t know what to do. I think you've said it all yourself. Make a committment. Either pack your bags, get ready for the move and forget about dating for the next while, or stick around and put more effort into your dates. Right now you're in limbo. 1
MsJayne Posted February 18 Posted February 18 You're single and you're not happy living in your town, so I'm not understanding why you're even including the possibility of staying there "if you met someone" as part of the decision-making process. Putting your life on hold for a potential partner who you haven't even met is at odds with you saying you want to leave. If you're a world traveller, as your name suggests, moving to a new place shouldn't be too scary . 1
Author WorldTraveler Posted February 18 Author Posted February 18 6 hours ago, glows said: So you are moving to avoid reminders about growing older??? Why can’t you pursue opportunities from your living room? I don’t get it. You could a book a trip anywhere and visit for holiday or just watch a YouTube doc. I see you’re in therapy and great to hear. Maybe you don’t want to go into details but this is something to dig deeper. What if you move somewhere meet someone and this thing happens all over again. Want to move and self sabotage. You’re not very settled or don’t seem happy with yourself. ?? If there is some other more specific reason to move then do it! Pursue your dreams. But not really sure here what they are Not so much to avoid those reminders, but something about spending majority of my life in one city without having a change in scenery to explore and experience new things leaves me desiring more and feel like I'm missing out on other opportunities whether that be social, romantic, financial, etc. I know it'll ultimately come down to what I want more and what will truly make me happy. Whether that be a partner or new chapter in my life. I say that with knowing that happiness comes from within and that even by choosing one or the other, ultimately can still result in unhappiness if I don't get to the root of what's contributing to this.
FredEire Posted February 18 Posted February 18 (edited) 2 hours ago, WorldTraveler said: Not so much to avoid those reminders, but something about spending majority of my life in one city without having a change in scenery to explore and experience new things leaves me desiring more and feel like I'm missing out on other opportunities whether that be social, romantic, financial, etc. I know it'll ultimately come down to what I want more and what will truly make me happy. Whether that be a partner or new chapter in my life. I say that with knowing that happiness comes from within and that even by choosing one or the other, ultimately can still result in unhappiness if I don't get to the root of what's contributing to this. Your name is world traveler so I presume you've done a lot of it, it sounds like you're a similar age to me as well. I've done my share of travelling also, and the conclusion I've started to come to is it's very easy to fritter your youth away never settled in one place, or getting into challenging relationships where distance from home alresdy puts a huge strain on things. Often, that desire for exotic adventure seems to be a way to run away and never get serious, and doing that all of your 20s and 30s seem a good recipe for a huge midlife crisis when you get to 40. The solution is find a place, and stick to it. Be that your home town or the favourite place you've been on your travels. Edited February 18 by FredEire
Els Posted February 18 Posted February 18 22 hours ago, WorldTraveler said: Well nothing is 100% official in regard to a move and like I said I’d be willing to stick around for the right person considering my friends and family are here. I’ve just been trying to determine what exactly it is that’s taking away from my happiness. Is it the lack of a partner or simply a desire for new and exciting experiences? A question that only I can answer but figured I’d try to at least take one day at a time and stay in the moment - something I frequently struggle to do. And if things ended up taking off with a potential partner offering full transparency and explaining my feelings if it came down to it before either party got too involved. Wait, so it's been almost a year since you were talking about wanting to move, and yet there are no concrete plans yet? Why not? Sorry, but you just seem to be hanging out in stasis a lot of the time. That's fine if you're actively exploring to find out what works for you like you did when you were younger, but currently you aren't. I think you either need to commit to doing everything you can to get jobs etc lined up to move ASAP so that you can move forward in life... or otherwise commit to staying and building a community for yourself where you are. I understand that there are reasons why people can't move when they want to (contracts etc), so ignore my post if that is the case for you.
Author WorldTraveler Posted February 18 Author Posted February 18 1 hour ago, Els said: Wait, so it's been almost a year since you were talking about wanting to move, and yet there are no concrete plans yet? Why not? Sorry, but you just seem to be hanging out in stasis a lot of the time. That's fine if you're actively exploring to find out what works for you like you did when you were younger, but currently you aren't. I think you either need to commit to doing everything you can to get jobs etc lined up to move ASAP so that you can move forward in life... or otherwise commit to staying and building a community for yourself where you are. I understand that there are reasons why people can't move when they want to (contracts etc), so ignore my post if that is the case for you. Yeah work contract is up in July so that’s been part of it and now at the point where I’ve narrowed done two potential cities after doing some research on cost of living, job market, etc.
glows Posted February 19 Posted February 19 8 hours ago, WorldTraveler said: Yeah work contract is up in July so that’s been part of it and now at the point where I’ve narrowed done two potential cities after doing some research on cost of living, job market, etc. also long term standard of living and potential long term roots on a deeper and more personal level? Would you want to see yourself at this place for long or no? On 2/17/2025 at 9:53 PM, WorldTraveler said: Not so much to avoid those reminders, but something about spending majority of my life in one city without having a change in scenery to explore and experience new things leaves me desiring more and feel like I'm missing out on other opportunities whether that be social, romantic, financial, etc. I know it'll ultimately come down to what I want more and what will truly make me happy. Whether that be a partner or new chapter in my life. I say that with knowing that happiness comes from within and that even by choosing one or the other, ultimately can still result in unhappiness if I don't get to the root of what's contributing to this. You can have both. I don’t think you have to choose but no one (dating) is going to take you seriously if you have a grass is greener mentality posing as someone who wants to settle down . That is just confusing at best, dishonest at worst and I’m sure that’s not your intention at all. There is nothing wrong with being single either and figuring things out or having shorter term relationships. As long as you’re upfront about yourself with everything and full disclosure to the connections you build I’m sure you will find a way to live a life that is fulfilling and rewarding. Who says you have to live a settled down life with full blown financial success plus white picket fence in a one person relationship anyway. Maybe you are trying to pigeonhole yourself and force yourself into something you’re not. Have you ever thought to yourself well nevermind that and let’s create a new reality and life that makes sense to you instead of following what everyone else is doing? As you say prioritize and then do what makes the most sense to you. And so what if you don’t always have the best of everything with one special person. Forge your own path and find what makes you happy. Maybe it’s none of this at all.
Author WorldTraveler Posted February 19 Author Posted February 19 1 hour ago, glows said: also long term standard of living and potential long term roots on a deeper and more personal level? Would you want to see yourself at this place for long or no? You can have both. I don’t think you have to choose but no one (dating) is going to take you seriously if you have a grass is greener mentality posing as someone who wants to settle down . That is just confusing at best, dishonest at worst and I’m sure that’s not your intention at all. There is nothing wrong with being single either and figuring things out or having shorter term relationships. As long as you’re upfront about yourself with everything and full disclosure to the connections you build I’m sure you will find a way to live a life that is fulfilling and rewarding. Who says you have to live a settled down life with full blown financial success plus white picket fence in a one person relationship anyway. Maybe you are trying to pigeonhole yourself and force yourself into something you’re not. Have you ever thought to yourself well nevermind that and let’s create a new reality and life that makes sense to you instead of following what everyone else is doing? As you say prioritize and then do what makes the most sense to you. And so what if you don’t always have the best of everything with one special person. Forge your own path and find what makes you happy. Maybe it’s none of this at all. It sounds wild to say but sometime I question if I even know what will make me happy. I have a great career that pays well, with good friends and loving family. Yet sometimes it’s almost like I don’t know what makes me happy and sometimes feel like it’s a never ending chase to find it 1
glows Posted February 19 Posted February 19 35 minutes ago, WorldTraveler said: It sounds wild to say but sometime I question if I even know what will make me happy. I have a great career that pays well, with good friends and loving family. Yet sometimes it’s almost like I don’t know what makes me happy and sometimes feel like it’s a never ending chase to find it Being happy is a state of mind. I like to focus more on being grateful, practicing gratitude and also accepting myself when I’m feeling the opposite of happy. I think it’s ok not to feel happy either. That’s part of actually being at peace and feeling at peace. For ie. Yes, today might not be great and I feel like s*** but that’s ok too. It’s a lousy day not a lousy life. Complete acceptance of one’s self Another thing too is finding purpose and that can change over time. I’m still working on this too.
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