Woggle Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 Today we were talking about our future and she brought up marriage. I told her that if we were still together and happy by next summer I would marry her. Well I told her that while I want her and am happy she is in my life I don't need her and before she starts acting up don't ever forget that. Well she got angry at me and right now we are not talking. All I meant was that I won't put up with crap. Why did she have to flip like that?
lindya Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 Today we were talking about our future and she brought up marriage. I told her that if we were still together and happy by next summer I would marry her. Well I told her that while I want her and am happy she is in my life I don't need her and before she starts acting up don't ever forget that. Well she got angry at me and right now we are not talking. All I meant was that I won't put up with crap. Why did she have to flip like that? Because what you said was inflammatory. It's a good idea to hold within you the knowledge that although you love your SO you will not crumble to dust if they leave. Just that knowledge gives you guidance as to how you should conduct yourself in the relationship. Doesn't mean you need to actually tell them that they're not the beginning and end of your world. Anyway, what's wrong with a bit of mutual neediness in a relationship...provided it doesn't go to extremes? A certain amount of interdependence in a relationship is healthy and normal.
Author Woggle Posted January 10, 2006 Author Posted January 10, 2006 What I was trying to say was that if she starts mistreating me I will leave. I wasn't accusing her of anything which is what she seems to think. I am trying to set some ground rules if we are going to take this to the next level.
lindya Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 What I was trying to say was that if she starts mistreating me I will leave. Are you certain that's the best message to be giving out? You need to be clear about what constitutes mistreatment. Obviously it's not a good idea to be in a relationship with someone who behaves in an abusive manner...but at the same time I could bet you that each and every one of us at some point behaves in a manner that someone somewhere would class as emotionally abusive. She could interpret the message you're giving her as meaning "step out of line, and I walk." I think it would be pretty difficult for anyone to feel secure in a relationship where they're getting that extremely uncompromising message. Where there's next to no room for error. I have to say that if a guy gave me that message in a relationship, I'd be thinking "Uh oh...looks like he's expecting me to carry the can for the way people from his past have behaved. I don't mind putting time and energy into a relationship with someone who's carrying a bit of baggage...but I'm not about to do it if he's taking the view that he'll walk away the moment I step out of line." Do you get what I'm saying here? You have issues left over from past relationships, W. You've said so yourself. You need to bear that in mind and have realistic expectations of your current gf - it's not her job to make up for everything that's gone wrong for you in the past, and you can't expect a perfect life with her. There are times you will argue, and she will piss you off (and vice versa). If you're constantly keeping somewhere in your head the thought that you'll leave if things start getting difficult, then it's hard to see how you're going to make this work in the long term.
Author Woggle Posted January 10, 2006 Author Posted January 10, 2006 Are you certain that's the best message to be giving out? You need to be clear about what constitutes mistreatment. Obviously it's not a good idea to be in a relationship with someone who behaves in an abusive manner...but at the same time I could bet you that each and every one of us at some point behaves in a manner that someone somewhere would class as emotionally abusive. She could interpret the message you're giving her as meaning "step out of line, and I walk." I think it would be pretty difficult for anyone to feel secure in a relationship where they're getting that extremely uncompromising message. Where there's next to no room for error. I have to say that if a guy gave me that message in a relationship, I'd be thinking "Uh oh...looks like he's expecting me to carry the can for the way people from his past have behaved. I don't mind putting time and energy into a relationship with someone who's carrying a bit of baggage...but I'm not about to do it if he's taking the view that he'll walk away the moment I step out of line." Do you get what I'm saying here? You have issues left over from past relationships, W. You've said so yourself. You need to bear that in mind and have realistic expectations of your current gf - it's not her job to make up for everything that's gone wrong for you in the past, and you can't expect a perfect life with her. There are times you will argue, and she will piss you off (and vice versa). If you're constantly keeping somewhere in your head the thought that you'll leave if things start getting difficult, then it's hard to see how you're going to make this work in the long term. I didn't mean it that way. Nobody is perfect. he has her quirks like I said in the lipstick on the cups thread but I can deal with that. I have my quirks as well and I realize that even the happiest couple will disagree sometimes but I was just telling her that she better treat me right or I will walk. I meant to not take it for granted that I will put up with anything and she thinks that I'm trying to make her pay for what other women did to me which is not the case at all. I like her a lot and I think she is a great woman but I have no idea why she took this so personally. We are both up now despite it being late at night. I am in the basement typing this right now and she is in the living room watching TV. It is like a game of chicken to see which one will break this silence to each other first. I feel that if I break it first I give in and I send the message that I am a doormat. All this because I told her that I won't be a doormat.
lindya Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 It is like a game of chicken to see which one will break this silence to each other first. I feel that if I break it first I give in and I send the message that I am a doormat. All this because I told her that I won't be a doormat. You've said... she thinks that I'm trying to make her pay for what other women did to me which is not the case at all. But she's having to deal with the baggage you're still carrying from those relationships...so in a way that means that she is paying for the fact that you've felt hurt or badly treated by women in the past - whether or not it's your intention that she should pay. Right now she'll be mulling over the wisdom of continuing in a relationship with a much younger guy whose emotional investment in this relationship has been summed up by his message that he's ready to walk out of it at any time. How does she deal with this? She has to use her wisdom, whilst trying very hard not to leave you feeling out-muched in terms of maturity and life experience. There's an imbalance there, and one that could be best addressed by you taking the adult steps of sitting down with her, calmly discussing this...and creating an environment where the two of you can discuss your feelings openly without anger or insecurity taking over and resulting in talks breaking down. Opening up lines of communication over this doesn't constitute being a doormat. Quite the opposite, in fact. It means being a calm and assertive person who's taking the initiative for trying to make his relationship work. One who uses more grown up and emotionally intelligent methods than a line like "mistreat me and I walk". I'm talking about employing high level interpersonal skills here. Deal with this situation properly, and it will help you develop yours. If the talks become heated and the two of you start hurting eachother, take some time out and agree to resume discussions when both of you feel calmer.
loony Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 but I was just telling her that she better treat me right or I will walk. I meant to not take it for granted that I will put up with anything If you are in a loving relationship, you want to give trust and you expect it back, it's part of the love. If someone goes around and makes threats, it doesn't make people feel loved anymore. You're treating her like an enemy and of course she feels hurt. and she thinks that I'm trying to make her pay for what other women did to me which is not the case at all. I like her a lot and I think she is a great woman but I have no idea why she took this so personally. She took it personally, because she likes you and you hurt your feelings when you told her that you didn't need her or that you would leave as soon as she made a mistake. This is simply not what people do when they love someone. We are both up now despite it being late at night. I am in the basement typing this right now and she is in the living room watching TV. It is like a game of chicken to see which one will break this silence to each other first. I feel that if I break it first I give in and I send the message that I am a doormat. All this because I told her that I won't be a doormat. If I were you, I would go to her and talk with her immediately. And apologize! You didn't act like a guy who was not a doormat, you were just insensitive and rude. Whether someone is a doormat or not is manifested in different ways. Apologizing because you made a mistake and acknowledge it doesn't make you a doormat and running around and claiming you are not a doormat does not make you not a doormat. Lindya is absolutely right with her posts. 1
FataMorgana Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 Lindya is absolutely right with her posts. I think so too. sometimes we say things that are seem so clear to us but come across totally the wrong way to the other person. Maybe should talk to her and clear out misunderstandings. She does sound like a reasonable person and because she got so upset must mean something about the way you said things. just go and ask her.....
cygny Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 woggle as a woman i have to say that what you said came off as a threat and as very defensive. and not even in the context of a fight but in discussing marriage! please, examine your attitude or you will destroy this relationship. if i were your girlfriend i would be thinking, is this what i'm in for if i marry this guy? constant threats that if i don't 'toe his line', he's out of here?
SmoochieFace Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 I see this differently. Woggle is basically setting his boundaries with his GF - and he has every right to do so in light of his past experiences. If she is an honest sincere woman who won't mistreat Woggle then she has no reason to *wig out* over what he said.
JS17 Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 Today we were talking about our future and she brought up marriage. I told her that if we were still together and happy by next summer I would marry her. Well I told her that while I want her and am happy she is in my life I don't need her and before she starts acting up don't ever forget that. Well she got angry at me and right now we are not talking. All I meant was that I won't put up with crap. Why did she have to flip like that? If someone said this to me I would be out the door and never look back. I don't blame her for flipping out. I don't take kindly to being threatened. If you don't start working on yourself you're going to lose her.
alphamale Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 Well I told her that while I want her and am happy she is in my life I don't need her and before she starts acting up don't ever forget that. wow, that sound like something I'd say WOGGLE. You're a good student.
Art_Critic Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 If someone said this to me I would be out the door and never look back. I don't blame her for flipping out. I don't take kindly to being threatened. If you don't start working on yourself you're going to lose her. I agree JS. he will lose her if he continues to treat her in this fashion.. while SF is right that he was asserting his boundaries these type of threats don't have much of a place in a real relationship and most cetainly don't belong in a talk about getting married.. Woogle.. Your boundary talk didn't need to include threats.. all you needed to do was talk to her about how you feel.. by telling her the consequences of her actions if she decides to cross your boundaries you threatened her
Author Woggle Posted January 10, 2006 Author Posted January 10, 2006 Well we had breakfast together this morning and we made up. I drove her to work and I will take her out to dinner tonight as a way of making up. I honest to god did not mean to hurt her feelings but I can see how that would offend her. I apologized and said that we should both treat each other with the love and respect we both deserve and she agreed. We had our first big fight and got past it.
lilmoma1973 Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 If someone said this to me I would be out the door and never look back. I don't blame her for flipping out. I don't take kindly to being threatened. If you don't start working on yourself you're going to lose her. Me too JS17!!
Mz. Pixie Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 I see this differently. Woggle is basically setting his boundaries with his GF - and he has every right to do so in light of his past experiences. If she is an honest sincere woman who won't mistreat Woggle then she has no reason to *wig out* over what he said. Do you think perhaps they've had a conversation about this in the past at all??? As much as he says that kind of stuff here, I'd have to take a guess that she's heard it a couple of times as well. He doesn't have to continue to beat his point home. My husband was cheated on in his prior marriage and his exwife was pregnant by the OM before their divorce was final. He also knows that I had the fling in my marriage- but yet still if he were to have ever said anything like that to me, such as what Woggle said to her- when we discussed marriage then I would have thought he has some issues he still needed to work out.
SmoochieFace Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 Do you think perhaps they've had a conversation about this in the past at all??? I wouldn't know if they did or not. All I know is, IMO, Woggle's GF didn't need to wig out over his comments. If she isn't the mistreating type then she has nothing to worry about and she should have just let Woggle's comments roll off her back.
lindya Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 wow, that sound like something I'd say WOGGLE. You're a good student. Just as well there are other people on this board who can try to help Woggle undo some of the damage.
alphamale Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 Just as well there are other people on this board who can try to help Woggle undo some of the damage. Well LINDYA....he can either listen to the females on LS and lose his woman or he can listen to me and keep her around. It is WOGGLE's choice.
lindya Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 Well LINDYA....he can either listen to the females on LS and lose his woman or he can listen to me and keep her around. It is WOGGLE's choice. Alpha, I tell you what. If you're right, then I'll stop dishing out advice to any men who are having problems relating to their girlfriend. Happily, in fact. After all, I've got work I should really be getting on with - and if I'm wasting my time responding to people like Woggle, then I might as well know sooner rather than later. So I'll tell you what. Why don't you open up a myspace profile, send us all the link and show us some photographic evidence of this success these "bad boy" techniques are bringing you - ie in the shape of beautiful women who want a long term relationship with you. Also, you might want to scan a signed testimonial from your exes explaining that the reasons for the relationships ending had absolutely nothing to do with your s***ty attitude towards women. Do that, and I will declare that you are right, I am wrong - and I will promise to never ever waste my time trying to help anyone again.
SmoochieFace Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 Alpha, I tell you what. If you're right, then I'll stop dishing out advice to any men who are having problems relating to their girlfriend. Happily, in fact. After all, I've got work I should really be getting on with - and if I'm wasting my time responding to people like Woggle, then I might as well know sooner rather than later. So I'll tell you what. Why don't you open up a myspace profile, send us all the link and show us some photographic evidence of this success these "bad boy" techniques are bringing you - ie in the shape of beautiful women who want a long term relationship with you. Also, you might want to scan a signed testimonial from your exes explaining that the reasons for the relationships ending had absolutely nothing to do with your s***ty attitude towards women. Do that, and I will declare that you are right, I am wrong - and I will promise to never ever waste my time trying to help anyone again. ... I can assure you that will never happen.
lindya Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 ... I can assure you that will never happen. Which one? The Myspace profile, or me following through on the promise to stop interfering in other people's lives??
SmoochieFace Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 Which one? The Myspace profile, or me following through on the promise to stop interfering in other people's lives?? Alpha doing what you ask of him... won't happen. Then again, he could always fabricate something too. As far as *interfering*... I don't consider giving out advice and helping others as *interference*.
alphamale Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 Alpha, I tell you what. If you're right, then I'll stop dishing out advice to any men who are having problems relating to their girlfriend. Happily, in fact. After all, I've got work I should really be getting on with - and if I'm wasting my time responding to people like Woggle, then I might as well know sooner rather than later. Well LINDYA, I probably have much more experience dealing with women from a romantic perspective than you do. So if you can prove to me that you have more experience dealing with women romantically than I do then I will stop dispensing my advice. Good day. 1
bab Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 Certainly he was within his right to let her know what he was expecting out of a marriage, but it's all in the wording. Sounds like the wording didn't go so well. Here's an example of something that would say the same thing, but maybe with less hurt feelings: "I really love you, and I'm excited about our future together. I just want to let you know that I don't want our marriage to be anything like my last one. If it became that way, I would have to leave, I won't relive that experience." I don't think there is a tactful way to say, I can take you or leave you, that's best kept to yourself. Maybe saying something about how you like how she is able to be such an important part of your life, and yet you still feel like you are your own person standing on your own two feet, and you are excited by that because it makes you feel like you are in a really healthy relationship where both of you are able to grow as your own people while sharing experiences together.
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