Nina Gray Posted February 16 Posted February 16 I’m in love with my moms friend’s son (Jim). My mom warned me even before we met she didn’t want me with him. But over time she saw I was liking him, but seeing what’s happening in his family she don’t want me with him because of the drama and doesn’t want it married into my family. I get that I really don’t want to deal with his mom and brothers. My mom has been friends with Sara for over 40 years. And she knows what’s she’s like. I get it my mom is protecting me, but she needs to understand that I’m almost 30. And I need to go with what feels right. I feel something strong for this man, the bond and emotional connection is real. He’s waiting for me to give an answer after 3 years of admitting his feelings and wants to marry me. We live in separate states and speak over the phone daily. I don’t want to lose him. But not long ago my mom said I would break my dads heart if I went to be with Jim. But Jim and I have been so close and we came this far; I don’t want to break his heart by saying no even when he knows I feel something for him in my own way. I was thinking he felt something for me before even saying it but was I indeniel. My mom knew he liked me from the start. He came to stay at my house a couple of days back in 2023, we spent most our time cuddling in the couch at night weh everyone went to sleep. But never told me the truth. Until a day after he left, we were on the phone; when he first told his feelings to me after asking for a real kiss I said I didn’t want to give him the wrong idea, and was thinking about or mothers, and he cried and said he thought I was the one. I felt so bad. After a year of speaking I was starting to fall for him but didn’t know how to process it. I never been in love before. It got stronger over time. I told him I don’t think I’m ready for a boyfriend cuz I never had one before. But he said he would wait for me cuz I’m worth it. Now he’s been bringing it up more, and said I want all the benefits of a relationship but don’t want one. But the reasons I’m afraid to date is my parents being mad at me for going with a guy who doesn’t make much money and lives in a trailer with 2 brothers who are good for nothing, and disgusting, and a mother who is nasty and selfish. And expects her son to support her forever. His family does take advantage of him and I understand why my mom doesn’t want to be related to them. But Jim wants his own place. Now he would rather pay off the trailer even though it wasn’t his responsibility, his mothers cousin paid for the trailer. Sara should of been the one to pay her back. Not Jim. I told him whatever money he gets from his lawsuit bank it and run to get his own place. And he said he’ll be all alone, it’s not like I’m coming down either. His words. I can understand he don’t want to be alone, but I feel like he would work hard for his own place if I give him a chance. My mom told me one day maybe that’s what he needs to wake up. But we never spoke about it. I get reminded that she don’t want me with him. It’s not Jim, it’s what he has to deal with. And he told me long ago he’s not moving to my state unless he knows he has a shot. Would me giving him a chance help improve his life? Would my parents be pissed and kick me out for the choice I make? That’s my fear. And I have a brother who blamed me for all the bad things that happened when we moved to our new house and all the fights and silent treatments. I never forgot that, I’m not giving the story of that but I can say I did what I was told and still wasn’t good enough. But I have fear that I would break this family all for the love of my life. We spent all these years studying each other and trying to better people together; and he still wants me. And I want him. Damned if I do damned if I don’t. I break my parents hearts and piss them off, or I throw away years of investing time into this guy and can’t go one day without talking.
MsJayne Posted February 16 Posted February 16 If your mother thinks Sara and her family are so bad why is she still friends with Sara? I get that your parents don't want you to end up living in a trailer with a family of losers, but they also shouldn't judge Jim by his parents values and actions. But, and it's a big but, Jim should never expect you to lower the standard of your life to be with him. 12 minutes ago, Nina Gray said: And he said he’ll be all alone, it’s not like I’m coming down either. His words. That's manipulative. Don't fall for this rubbish, if he wants to make a life for the two of you he can start doing it without you there holding his hand. That's what a grown-up man would do. If he going to enable his mother's lazy, selfish a** leave him to it, you don't need toxic people in your life and he comes as a package with a whole family of them. Your post reminded me of a guy I dated when I was in my twenties, nice guy, ended up doing well for himself, but the day I went to a family BBQ at his sister's house it was all over. There was no such thing as manners going on, the men belched loudly between swilling beers and foul-mouthing their way through lunch, and l watched in horror as one of their kids, with a menacing globule of snot dangling from her nose, hovered over the potato salad gouging into it with her grubby fingers. Her mother was too busy to notice, she was focused on filling up the ashtray that stayed on the table all through lunch. Like I said, he was a nice guy and he had ambition, but the fact that he saw nothing wrong with his family was evidence enough that we weren't a good match. So, ignore the warning signs at your own peril. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted February 16 Posted February 16 I don't get why your mom calls this woman a friend. She clearly thinks very poorly of her, so I question why your mother associates with her. As far as Jim, well, you need to make your own choices. I do wonder why your parents are involved in your love life at the age of 30, too. Have you dated before? Are they concerned about your general judgment? I think there are pieces missing to the backstory about all of this.
glows Posted February 16 Posted February 16 There are a lot of things to respond to but gurl are you even listening to yourself. He lives across the country and the last time you saw him was in 2023. Most of this is an online romance. The guy could have 6 other online romances on the go and baby mamas or girlfriends you don’t know a thing about. It’s that easy to lead double/triple whatever lives. You’re even more at risk because there’s no trust between your mother and Sara his mum so the whole lot of them could be completely not what they say they are. My guess is your mother just keeps the peace but they’re not actually friends anymore and more like people she knows from “back then”. Second even if you have zero dating experience this guy also has zero life experience living on his own. He’s going to be clingy, scared, clueless and manipulative trying to get you to do halfsies or worse, you to foot the entire living expenses if you live together because he has no clue how to live on his own. Do you really see yourself in a mothering role? You’re already his financial advisor. im so sorry you spent this much time talking to this person and you’re now emotionally wrapped up in it so that it’s hard for you to be logical. 30 is pretty critical tbh. The next 10 years are the only years you have before you’re considered geriatic if trying to conceive and you’re also considering potentially a decade thrown away to a guy you barely know in person and have spent virtually no time in person with aside from holidays and the sporadic visit. How old is he also? Much older or younger than you? 1
Gebidozo Posted February 16 Posted February 16 Who you date has nothing to do with your parents. They are entitled to their opinion, but you are entitled to make your own choices in your own life. Never fall for this manipulative “if you do this, you’ll break my heart” crap. If your choice of a romantic partner “breaks” your parents’ hearts, so be it. It’s incredibly selfish, inconsiderate, and controlling to say such a thing. I wouldn’t tolerate that for a second. Judging by your description, it’s a bit hard to see what’s particularly great about Jim, but it’s your life and your choices. If you are genuinely attracted to Jim and see a future with him, just go and be with him.
rainrhonda Posted February 25 Posted February 25 As mentioned in another comment, this sounds like it's primarily an online/long-distant relationship & I wouldn't want to bank my life on that, personally. He sounds emotionally dependant by saying he will be "all alone", that is to make you feel guilty if you don't choose him. That's not healthy & a sign of other unhealthy dependency that could come later. Your parents cannot decide what you do, they have to live your choice because you're an adult. If you suspect they would kick you out, then prepare for that as a real possibility should you choose to be with him. Have a place lined up to live, etc. Prepare for strained relationships with your parents for the long term. It sounds like there is a lot to face if you want to be with him. I'm not sure I'd want to gamble that much for a person I rarely get to see, etc. If the marriage didn't work out, you would have regrets. So I'd say do what makes you happy but will the consequences make you happy, or make things worse? Are you 100% sure the consequences are worth it? May want to ask yourself some questions like those and discuss with him as well.
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