Struggling1010 Posted February 12 Posted February 12 I (24M) was in a relationship with my girlfriend (22F) for two years, but we had known each other for five. Our relationship was mostly good, with a few arguments but plenty of love. The breakup happened after I got upset and said I wanted to break up because she repeatedly lied about spending time with others (not cheating, just not being honest). I didn’t mean it—it was out of frustration—but she took it seriously. Two days later, I was able to reconcile with her, but four days after that, she told me she wanted to break up again, saying she felt overwhelmed. Instead of letting go, I suggested meeting in a month to talk, and she agreed. When we met, the first half of our time together was spent discussing what went wrong. She admitted the issues were fixable and regretted what had happened. However, she said she wasn’t ready for a relationship and wanted to work on herself, asking for a year before reconsidering. Later that day, though, she suddenly became affectionate again—hugging, kissing, and even telling me to let people know we had worked things out. But within an hour, she pulled away again, saying she was still overwhelmed and that I should move on if I could. I told her to just focus on her mental well-being for now. Two weeks later, I found out she was in a new relationship with someone she had only known for two weeks. They’re already doing things she never did with me—matching couple pictures, putting love messages in their bios, and giving each other constant attention. I’m struggling to understand how she could detach so quickly and why she’s showing so much affection to someone new when we hadn’t even fully ended things. Has anyone experienced something like this?
basil67 Posted February 12 Posted February 12 The two of you were on/off/on/off over the space of a week. This was the beginning of the end because you both had one foot out the door. And her telling you to "move on if you could" was the final goodbye As far as being able to detach quickly, she was able to do so because partly because she'd fallen out of love with you and partly because there were new arms to fall into
Gebidozo Posted February 13 Posted February 13 1 hour ago, Struggling1010 said: I’m struggling to understand how she could detach so quickly and why she’s showing so much affection to someone new when we hadn’t even fully ended things. Her behavior has nothing to do with either detachment or affection. She saw that things weren’t working out between you too, and she jumped onto a new guy to make herself feel better. Those loud, public displays of everlasting love on social media mean absolutely nothing. In many cases, it’s just insecure people trying to convince themselves or others that things are going swell. Don’t pay any attention to that, block her, and start moving on. Whatever she is feeling or doing now isn’t your concern any longer. 1
Acacia98 Posted February 13 Posted February 13 (edited) 8 hours ago, Struggling1010 said: I’m struggling to understand how she could detach so quickly and why she’s showing so much affection to someone new when we hadn’t even fully ended things. Has anyone experienced something like this? People often rush to fill the vacuum when a relationship ends/is ending/is on the rocks because the prospect of being single terrifies them. So what she's doing is not unusual. Now, I think your relationship was bound to end eventually. There is a suggestion in your post (or maybe I'm just imagining it) that you're the sort of person who tries to hold on tight even when cracks have started to appear. Maybe it's time to focus on the things that were happening in your relationship and why they were happening. Why was she lying to you? Was it a habitual thing or a recent development? What else frustrated you? You seem to be one of those people who has the ability to stay and fight for a relationship when things are uncertain. But your girlfriend, like many people, doesn't seem to have the capacity/desire to stay in an ambivalent relationship situation and revisit at some future date. I think they would rather just end things instead of putting off the possibility of heartbreak. Edited February 13 by Acacia98
ExpatInItaly Posted February 13 Posted February 13 10 hours ago, Struggling1010 said: The breakup happened after I got upset and said I wanted to break up because she repeatedly lied about spending time with others (not cheating, just not being honest). This is how you know this break-up was coming, whether or not you impulsively ended it. She was already drifting away. Who was she spending time with, and what was she lying about, exactly? 10 hours ago, Struggling1010 said: I found out she was in a new relationship with someone she had only known for two weeks How do you know she's only known him 2 weeks?
Author Struggling1010 Posted February 13 Author Posted February 13 6 hours ago, Acacia98 said: People often rush to fill the vacuum when a relationship ends/is ending/is on the rocks because the prospect of being single terrifies them. So what she's doing is not unusual. Now, I think your relationship was bound to end eventually. There is a suggestion in your post (or maybe I'm just imagining it) that you're the sort of person who tries to hold on tight even when cracks have started to appear. Maybe it's time to focus on the things that were happening in your relationship and why they were happening. Why was she lying to you? Was it a habitual thing or a recent development? What else frustrated you? You seem to be one of those people who has the ability to stay and fight for a relationship when things are uncertain. But your girlfriend, like many people, doesn't seem to have the capacity/desire to stay in an ambivalent relationship situation and revisit at some future date. I think they would rather just end things instead of putting off the possibility of heartbreak. She was lying to me because she doesn't want me to know that she is constantly spending time with other people. Our honeymoon phase of the relationship was kinda waning so our conversation became kinda dry but that did not affect me as I know it will be coming sooner or later and love isn't built on constant interaction. since our honeymoon phase was kinda gone, she thinks it is better to lie about going to sleep while spending time with other people. when I found out, I let my anger took control and she withdrew when I said I can't see her as my Girlfriend anymore. she did cry and regret what she did when I tried to visit her a month later. she said she still have feeling but feels overwhelmed. later I found out that she is dating the person from the group that she lied to be about spending time with.
Author Struggling1010 Posted February 13 Author Posted February 13 4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: This is how you know this break-up was coming, whether or not you impulsively ended it. She was already drifting away. Who was she spending time with, and what was she lying about, exactly? How do you know she's only known him 2 weeks? She with spending time with a friend group. she lied about going to sleep and have no time to spend time with me. I heard from a mutual friend, she is now dating a person from that group that she lied to me about. she doesn't know I know yet. I know it might sound like she already drifted away before the whole thing happened but her regret and apology doesn't sound fake at all and she still showed genuine care for me and say she will consider it again once she is ready for a relationship again before going for that rebound . I really don't understand and it mess with my mind a lot.
flitzanu Posted February 13 Posted February 13 so it sounds like she was lying to you so she could spend time away from you, and probably met the new guy doing so. so the two questions would be: 1. are you such a controlling person that she felt she had to lie to you just to be able to see her friends? if so, that's something you need to reflect on. 2. or is she just an awful person, and lied to you because she didn't care about your feelings - and therefore you should be mad at her for being dishonest, and you should respect yourself enough to not want to be with someone who was untrustworthy.
Author Struggling1010 Posted February 13 Author Posted February 13 1. I wasn't controlling in the relationship. I have my own responsibilities and I know that she has her own too. however sneaking out the house during night and lying to me when I am ok with her hanging with people is kinda bad. I felt betrayed and she told me she wouldn't. 2. She isn't a bad person but I realized that she changed when she started to hang out with other people and when our honeymoon phase of the relationship faded. however even with that she still try to see me and we both make it work. I think the thing she lack is emotional maturity, she wouldn't talk about simple problems and now using a rebound when she told me she still have feeling. I want her to be matured but not after doing other guys and get disappointed once she realize that realtionship always have ups and downs.
ExpatInItaly Posted February 14 Posted February 14 On 2/13/2025 at 2:14 PM, Struggling1010 said: I know it might sound like she already drifted away before the whole thing happened but her regret and apology doesn't sound fake at all Dude, you are in deep denial. Her behaviour shows you the truth: On 2/13/2025 at 2:14 PM, Struggling1010 said: She with spending time with a friend group. she lied about going to sleep and have no time to spend time with me. I heard from a mutual friend, she is now dating a person from that group that she lied to me about. She was alredy checking out of your relationship. And she clearly had her eye on someone else. I am sorry. 1
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