eternal_optimist Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 I've been lurking here for a little bit, and have found this site and the people on it to be very wise and supportive. I wish I had discovered it about a year ago! Anyway, here's my story...sorry if its a little long. My ex-gf and I were together for six years, and broke almost one year ago. When we first met, a serious relationship was the last thing on my mind. We hooked up while she was travelling, post-college graduation. We kept in contact after she left my state, and later that year I travelled all the way from the east coast to California to be with her. It was really the happiest time in my life. We got along fabulously, and it really felt like it was the two of us against the world. Over the years, we moved to a couple of different cities together, and ended up in the current one about five years ago. Slowly, the adventures started to die down a little bit, and it seemed we were both maturing and enjoying a really fufilling adult relationship. Over time, we started having arguments, usually about the typical things: money(she's a proffesional and I'm blue-collar), needs (I'm a very queit person and she seemed to need more and more attention as time went on), sex (in the last year of the relationship, we had sex about once or twice a month), cohabitation, etc. The arguments would always end with both of us re-establishing our love commitment to each other, and everything would be okay until the next time. One day, out of the blue she told me she just felt like crying all the time and just wanted to be alone. It took me almost a day to realize she was breaking up with me. I was emotionally devasted, a complete mess for a couple of months. During this time I realized I could have tried a lot harder, and really had started to take her for granted. We had a lot of good talks during that time, and she stated that her main reason for ending it was something along the lines of 'She'd never been alone and would always regret it if she never let herself experience it' and 'she loved me, but wasn't 'in love with me anymore'. Little did I know that she had started seeing a guy from her work about a month (maybe sooner, I'm not sure) after we split. She had denied seeing anyone when I had asked her about it in the early post-breakup months, and I found out the hard way, by running into the two of them locked in embrace one night at the local convience store (ouch). When I confronted her about it later, she said she had denied it because she 'didn't want to hurt me'. Our contact has been intermittent and very shallow since then. Fast forward several months, I was doing really well, feeling really good about myself. I felt very self-confident and what-do-you-know I attracted the attention of a very intelligent, beautiful, vibrant young woman. We dated for about seven months, I knew I was in love all over again, but this time I knew I had to really work hard to keep the love alive...and boy did I! Long story short, she suddenly became distant, and dumped me soon afterward (about three weeks ago). Granted, she was a lot younger (22) than me (31), and probably wasn't ready for the long haul with anyone...but it wasn't as though I was hearing wedding bells or anything like that. We told each other that we loved each other, and post-breakup she told me that 'sometimes love can only last a day, but that doesn't mean it wasn't real'. So hear I sit, wondering what it all means... If you've had the patience to read through this whole thing, I thank you and would like your opinion on these questions: 1. Am i being co-dependent if just being around the person that I love brings me more satisfaction than my other interests? 2. Am i just getting involved with the wrong kind of person? As I said before, I'm extremely quiet. But I am cute as hell, so usually I get involved with women that approach me first, typically they're outgoing and ambitious. Do you think this kind of person is looking for some kind of neverending physical infatuation kind of relationship. That's what it seems like to me, and I don't think that that kind of relationship is really love or can even exist. 3. It seems like a lot of advice from people here about getting over their exes involves something like 'seeing them for (insert negative description here) that they really are'. Is this the only way? Looking back, I can see some of the really bad qualities about the two women that dumped me this year, but I can't state 100% that they're bad people: we all have our shortcomings. 4. I seem to be caught in a big catch-22: I can't really feel like I've gotten over an ex until I meet someone new, but I can't really be with someone new and give them 100% until I've gotten over the ex!!!! 5. I'm trying to cool it and just enjoy the benefits of being alone, but sometimes I get lonely and start to wonder: is love needing another person or wanting another person? 6. I feel really different from a lot of people, like an outsider a lot of the time. Will I ever really find anyone very much like me, or does that not really matter and love conquers all? Any input would be appreciated...love is like a labyrinth and its so easy to get lost in it.
skeptik224 Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 What you're feeling is normal. Are you a serial monogomist? It sounds to me like you need to love yourself fully before you get involved in another relationship. You need to get over your ex before moving on - otherwise that relationship won't last either. Once you've completely healed on your own, then you'll be able to move on to a happy, healthier place. My ex dumped me because she couldn't commit emotionally. She still wanted to date me and date others but I couldn't do it. She had never been alone and when the love of her life came in the picture (that would be me) she got scared and ran away. Bottom line is you need to be alone - date around and don't look for love. If you try to force someone to be with you who flat out says that they want to experience being alone/single and the party scene, and they give in to you, they will only resent you in the end and make the break up that much worse.
Author eternal_optimist Posted January 10, 2006 Author Posted January 10, 2006 Thanks, skeptik. Yes, I think I definitely am a serial monogamist. My ex told me during our split that I didn't make her feel special anymore because it seemed to her that I would be happy with anyone. While I don't think she was 100% right, that statement definitely had a lot of truth to it. I want to really be happy with myself before I am in another serious relationship, but how do I know when I am at that point and ready to pursue something? Is it a concrete matter where you can say someone either is or isn't? To me it seems like a life-long process, and that the goal itself is not absolutley attainable, but rather the act of striving for it is what really matters. If this is the case, are serious romantic relationships something to be avoided as a distraction from that goal, are they steps along the way in which we let others help us try and find it, or are they the fruits of our labours toward that goal? Sometimes it all seems so clear, and other times nothing makes any sense at all. There doesn't seem to be any logical reason as to why I'm happy or sad at a given time...when I try to think about why this is so, it's somehow frightening and wonderful at the same time.
skeptik224 Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 My ex came out of 2 8+ year relationships and then right into one with me. At one point, she said that she was a serial monogamist jokingly. She ended things with me to be able to date around and enjoy the single life. She needed to grieve the loss of her past 2 relationships and find out who she really is. She also said that she wants to use this time to get to know herself. I've told her that I'd like to do that with her and she agreed. Yet, when it came down to it, we are still not together. She is out there dating but nothing serious. She can't commit to anyone or anything. She basically lost herself. I am the love of her life and she is mine. But, the timing wasn't there. There is no way to speed through things when trying to find yourself. There isn't a set plan. There isn't a way to know when you're ready...you just will. You need to dig down within yourself and find out who you really are alone. You have to be 100% happy being alone. My ex hates where she lives now - she moved out of my house 3 weeks after she moved in. She got scared to death of going right into another committed relationship. Although she hates it there, she should be forcing herself to be in that space to get used to being alone. However, she doesn't. She's out partying and hanging out which leads me to believe she really isn't working on herself truly and totally. What matters in any situation, mine, hers, yours, your ex's, or anyone else's - is that we are happy with who we are. You can't possibly be happy with someone else until you are happy with yourself....bottom line. If you still have "issues" from the past relationships, you won't be truly happy. You need to let go...and be alone for awhile. date around. hang out. when you're ready, you'll know. It was probably one of the most frightening things she's had to do. She was scared to lose what we had and didn't want to risk it, but she knew she had to do it. I don't understand why she had to leave to do it, but she did and only she knows why. It's not a concrete matter - it's something you'll feel within yourself. 1
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