mark1210 Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 Hey Gang-- So its been awhile since i have posted, quite a while in fact. And I'm back, same problems different day. The gist of the problem seems to stem around why I keep getting used and lied to. By used, I mean I am told one thing while the opposite happens. At first its behind my back, then eventually I catch on and don't have the guts to break it off. Instead, I am stuck on this roller coaster ride until the girl finally decides its not worth her trouble any longer. Let me be more specific: Girl A: Claimed she was single, went on several dates, started to become exclusive and then while at her house I noticed odd things. She finally admitted she was married! Girl B: Claims she was over her ex, no longer communicated with him, he was mean and used her. Several times throughout the day he would call her, she would never answer around me. However, I did overhear a conversation and she misses him even though he supposedly treated her like crap. When I confronted her about it, it was all my fault! WTF! Girl C: Was a deadbeat, broke my back to support her, even let her move in after 3 dates. What the hell was I thinking. Eventually, called it off as she failed to contribute and always tried to make me jealous. Girl D: Known her 3 years, nothing ever has happened between us, she recently became single after her abusive boyfriend pushed her too far. We hung out recently after a year of not talking. She says, why can't I find a guy like you. WTF! Those are just the main three. I don't know why but it seems like most girls want to jump into something serious right from day one and usually I will go ahead and say ok. My friends think I am afraid to rock the boat and I am starting to think they are right. I seem to get taken advantage off mentally, financially and otherwise. I know in my life that I'd like to have something serious, long term with a woman who can contribute, who has morals, and self-respect. I just don't know why I can't find that person and why I seem to be attracted to or go for people that will just hurt me everyway possible. What is the matter with me?
My_Other_I Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 The saying goes that you only attract people as healthy as you are - emotionally speaking. Those girls you described seem a bit desperate, immature and co-dependent. Is it possible that maybe you are trying to hard to find someone? What if you did some reading, allowed yourself to be single for, let's say, a year, and do some work on yourself. I am not saying that you need it, WTF do I know, but it can't hurt. It could give you a nice break from all that drama you've described and perhaps a different perspective and life-perception. What do you have to loose? Maybe it's worth the try.
Author mark1210 Posted January 10, 2006 Author Posted January 10, 2006 That is good advice but that's been done. At the advice of others I even went to a pyschologist. Nothing really mentally awry other than anxiety. The doctor feels that after 5 years I never fully got over my ex and rather than take the time to get to know the new person I immediately jump in. While there is some truth to that it doesn't explain why the girls who I pick and who pick me all seem to be nutty. My ex 5 years ago certainly wasn't.
johan Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 I just don't know why I can't find that person and why I seem to be attracted to or go for people that will just hurt me everyway possible. What is the matter with me? You can't find her because she is cleverly hidden. Camouflage: she looks just like the others. You are attracted to those others because you are a hopeful person. They hurt you every way possible because, like me, you don't really think they could actually be that way. Nothing is wrong with you, Mark, except that you're stuck on Earth with Earthwomen who would like you to think they are from Venus. They should have named that book Men are from Earth and Women are from Hell.
My_Other_I Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 That still sounds to me like you are trying to fill the void your ex left empty. You hope to love again and feel like you did back with her. So what did the psychologist say about getting over your ex? More time? I see you went to dating services...kinda funny story. How did that work out?
My_Other_I Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 They should have named that book Men are from Earth and Women are from Hell. OMG that's funny!
Author mark1210 Posted January 10, 2006 Author Posted January 10, 2006 Funny you mention that Johan, I always say that I never figured she could be that way. I admit that I make mistakes just like anyone but I unlike others I seem to date admit and try to learn from them. Seems like the girls I date deny deny deny until they just can't deny anymore than then fault me for it. The logic is just mindboggling.
Craig Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 it seems like most girls want to jump into something serious right from day oneAnd there you have your answer. Any person wanting to jump into something serious right from day one should be seen as waving a huge red flag. These women aren't good judges of your great qualities they are women with huge emotional problems. To save yourself from future grief run like the wind if a woman wants to get serious too quickly.
johan Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 ...Seems like the girls I date deny deny deny until they just can't deny anymore than then fault me for it. The logic is just mindboggling. That's because there are plenty of suckers like you and me out there who don't expect anything else from them. They know that. Guys like you and I need to become hard-asses. Freaking girls need to earn their way into my life from now on. Nothing easy. I'll be a nice guy after I'm given a reason to be nice. I'll be a good guy regardless. 1
Author mark1210 Posted January 10, 2006 Author Posted January 10, 2006 Craig, This may be a insecurity on my part but its been my experience that while they get to know me they are also getting to know many others. I'm not the kind of guy who can date others while being interested in one. Is it wrong to want a woman who is interested in me to take the time to get to know me while not trying to see if the grass is greener elsewhere?
Author mark1210 Posted January 10, 2006 Author Posted January 10, 2006 My Other I, Well I signed up for that dating service as my pyschologist thought it would be a nice no pressure way to meet folks. Seems like all the ladies there are money whores =( So its been a total waste and I don't even give it effort anymore
My_Other_I Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 plus they are probably desperate, too. Gee, I would hate to be in your shoes. Sorry you are having troubles. I hope you know that not all of us girls are like that. We need more guys like you and Johan, it just takes longer to find you!
Craig Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 Is it wrong to want a woman who is interested in me to take the time to get to know me while not trying to see if the grass is greener elsewhere?I don't think it's wrong to be exclusive while getting to know each other before deciding whether to get serious or not.
gfto Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 Mark, I'm getting kind of a "nice guy" vibe from you. That could be your problem. Remember, dating is a numbers game. You have to get out there and get tons of phone numbers. It isn't as difficult as many men make it out to be. The more prospects you have, the less time you waste with people who are no good for you.
johan Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 I don't have everything figured out. I wouldn't advocate having the attitude that Alphamale claims you should have. I think a long-term exclusive relationship is the way to go. But I've had a lot taken from me. Not really material things, but time and emotion and energy. TONS of time if you count all the time it takes getting over the series of nitwits I've been with lately. The fact is, they can't take much if you don't give much. There's no sense in giving to them like they are charity cases. I'm 35, no marriage, no kids, just out of the hundredth long-term relationship with a woman who really never seemed to have it together. And yet I hung in there having all the hope and faith in the world. In the end, I just sold myself out, because she couldn't give at the start, she couldn't give in the middle, and she had nothing to offer in the end. Just a long string of disappointments. Can I blame her? No, because you know she was doing all that was expected of her. I bitched a lot, but always went back for more with 100 pounds of hope to load up on a person who couldn't hardly carry a pillow. I've worked hard to become who I am. I've worked hard for the life I've built. So the question for you and me, Mark, is why do we give it away so cheaply? Because you know if you give it, there will always be someone there to take it. We have to find a way to identify the women who are willing to earn it. The real quality women who know what they want and would love us enough to actually do something about it. That's what I'm looking for. Anything else is just a sellout. That's just my pissed off attitude right now. I've proven that I'm mostly bark. I'll surely piss all over the place with excitement as soon as some pretty girl ventures nearby. Sorry for the rant. You can have your thread back.
Author mark1210 Posted January 10, 2006 Author Posted January 10, 2006 Johan, Good post lol. I've actually read this book, "No More Nice Guy" and while it was an interesting read I don't see the logic in trying to follow his advice to basically become a dick. There is another guy out there who adovcates that crap, David Deangelo I think is his name. They basically both preach being mysterious and playing games and all that. That is just not me nor the person I want to become. If I have to resort to acting a certain way and faking who I am just to get a woman then I'd be better off without them in mylife as I would be selling myself short and putting on a show around them. As materialistic as it sounds I am just about tired of paying for women's dates as its an investment to me to find out more nothing else. But normally the more I find out the less I like and they become accustomed to it. I don't want prospective dates to think I am Mr. Money Bags here. Maybe I should just do what David DeAngelo adovocates and just appear to be poor. Wonder how that would appeal to the masses. lol damn I am ranting now.
gfto Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 I've read some of DeAngelo's stuff, and quite frankly, I think he's right on target. He doesn't advocate being a dick or playing games, but rather just being slightly cocky, funny, and being a challenge. It works wonders.
JS17 Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 Every once in a while I catch a post that really hits home to me. A shacker will write and remind me of me in a certain situation or point in my life or they'll remind me of an ex's behavior. This post reminds me of me last year and I'm slowly (ok VERY slowly:p ) crawling out of the hole. I used to be a pretty strong person and then I met my ex. I let him take advantage of me and all of these things that you're writing are all things I've said. I've come to realize that I LET him treat me like crap because of my own insecurities. To be fair to myself many of my insecurites were a direct result of his treatment of me but none the less I have to take responsibility for myself and my own insecurities. Was it my fault he cheated and lied, no, of course not. However, it is my fault for staying with him through the lying and staying in an unhappy relationship. At first its behind my back, then eventually I catch on and don't have the guts to break it off. Instead, I am stuck on this roller coaster ride until the girl finally decides its not worth her trouble any longer. Problem. You are not at fault for her behavior. You are at fault for not breaking things off. Your insecurities hold you in these unhealthy relationships. You're most likely afraid of what many of us are afraid of…rejection, loss, being alone, etc. Once you start believing that you are worth more than a million of these kinds of girls put together you will start finding happiness in relationships. I don't know why but it seems like most girls want to jump into something serious right from day one and usually I will go ahead and say ok. My friends think I am afraid to rock the boat and I am starting to think they are right. I seem to get taken advantage off mentally, financially and otherwise. Maybe most but not all women want a serious relationship from day one. I'm definitely one that doesn’t. IME, those are the kinds of people that are more interested in being in a relationship than they are in being with you. You're a man to them, you're not an individual. I think it's commendable that you want to get to know someone before you enter into something serious and you shouldn't be afraid to "rock the boat" with these women. If you're true to yourself then you won't be unhappy in a relationship. If these women are not on the same page as you in the beginning of the relationship, they're probably not going to be throughout the rest of the relationship. Of course no two people are exactly alike so you won't have the exact same expectations but there's room for compromises around the status of the relationship if your fundamental wants and needs are the same. I just don't know why I can't find that person and why I seem to be attracted to or go for people that will just hurt me everyway possible. What is the matter with me? There's nothing wrong with you. I've asked myself the exact same questions over and over again. You mentioned in your post that you have anxiety (I do too) which is based on fears and insecurites. I think once you can get a handle on this you'll find yourself in a better place to be with better women. You'll start to realize that you can't stay with someone who will hurt you just because you're afraid to leave. Being seriously involved with the wrong person is worse than being alone. Funny you mention that Johan, I always say that I never figured she could be that way. I admit that I make mistakes just like anyone but I unlike others I seem to date admit and try to learn from them. Who would get involved in a relationship with someone that they knew was going to be a cheating lying b!tch/bastard??? The people who act this way are the best at hiding it. I think one of the few good things that go along with anxiety is self awareness and introspection. I have a lot of respect for people who can admit their mistakes and try to learn from them. Knowing who you are is half the battle and I'm glad I'm not someone who is skating through life without really knowing myself. Maybe I do miss out on some fun that way but knowing who you really are is a gift that nobody can take from you AND it makes you more appealing to others. These women that you're dating, much like some of the men I've dated, are manipulative, immature and lack self awareness. They don't understand why they do the things they do or how it affects others. They lack compassion and empathy. So yeah, they don't really get hurt but I still wouldn't trade all of those things in just to be like these people. This may be a insecurity on my part but its been my experience that while they get to know me they are also getting to know many others. I'm not the kind of guy who can date others while being interested in one. Is it wrong to want a woman who is interested in me to take the time to get to know me while not trying to see if the grass is greener elsewhere? There seem to be two camps on this topic. Some say it's a numbers game and you just have to date how ever many gazillion people in order to find the right one. Others say dating people that you know aren't right for you will end up causing more pain so it's best to stick to just getting to know the people that you really think might be right for you. I'm in the second camp. I can get to know people without dating them and I would prefer to just date the few that I really feel I could have a great relationship with. I generally date one person at a time, all of my friends date multiple people at a time. I can see from them that there are definitely some benefits to it but you know what, despite those benefits I'm just not comfortable with it. I've tried it and it's just not right for me so I'll stick to dating one person at a time. I'd rather spend my valuable time on me and the occasional great guy than on loads of guys 99% of which just aren't worth my time. Seems like all the ladies there are money whores =( So its been a total waste and I don't even give it effort anymore. I tried this for a month. I'm convinced that all of the guys either have a girlfriend/wife or just want sex. So yeah, there's a lot of crap out there. I'm sure there are a handfull of good guys trying this. You can spend a lot of time filtering through all of these people but I don't think the odds are in our favor. They basically both preach being mysterious and playing games and all that. That is just not me nor the person I want to become. If I have to resort to acting a certain way and faking who I am just to get a woman then I'd be better off without them in mylife as I would be selling myself short and putting on a show around them. I have a lot of respect for someone who acts this way and respects himself enough to be who he is. Being a jerk or a player may get you a lot of @ss but clearly you're more interested in quality than quantity. Being true to yourself is a strength that lots and lots and lots of people don't have, the quality women will see this in you. Stay true to who you are and work on your insecurites. Don't let women like this take advantage of you. Once you start seeing their true colors, walk away. By staying with them you could be missing out on the great girl that's waiting for a guy like you. Best of luck Mark.
Recommended Posts