incognito Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 When we are fighting....why do I lash out and say things that I KNOW will hurt him? Is it to make myself feel better? Do I want to make him hurt as much as I do? What is it...I want to know? I love him, and he can't understand why someone would say such nasty hurtful things to someone they love. To me, it is just normal? In my mind...I say sorry, he should be able to get over it...we were just fighting. (I obviously am wrong here and I know this) and he obviously can't get over it I know it destroys him! But I still do it? What am I getting out of it? I don't know I thought it was normal....but it isn't
kjdriver Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 I found I did that in our relationship. My parents did it too, and probably their parents and so on. Kevin's parents don't fight and if they do they do it in private. My parent's just divorced last year and his parents are still together. Anyhow, long story short, I react without any thought, I just do it. The only way I figure I can stop is by retraining myself. Try to change my behavior by making an effort in every single situation I am in. I have literally placed positive stuff all over my house. I have post its, and papers taped by my bed, in the bathroom, I am always adding to them. They say things like "Today, I will think before I speak", "Live for Today", "You Kick Ass!" So far it works great. It reminds me where I am and where I am going. This break up has given me the opportunity to see where I need to improve for myself so that when I reenter a relationship in the future, I don't make the same mistakes.
Author incognito Posted January 10, 2006 Author Posted January 10, 2006 If that is how you grew up, and that is what's normal for you, how do you change it? I am great when I am unemotional and rational....but completely not in control of myself when emotional. I need someone to stop and shake me!
kjdriver Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 Who knows if I will be able to change it. It is trying to reverse all the years I have been alive but if I die trying I am going to. I am not always miserable either, I shouldn't take all the blame but I know that I am quick to react and an emotional person which is great at times but in stressful situations I tend to just do. When he comes around I am always thinking about everything before I speak and consider what I am feeling and why. Funny part is, he wonders why I am talking so little now, lol. If I can get trying each day to stay doing this, eventually it should become a habit. It's worth a try. I do councilling but that is just talking about my feelings and I have no trouble with that. I can talk to a cat for a week for goodness sakes. My thing is, I need tools. This website is one of them. It helps me get it out and refocus. My house looks silly with all the stuff up and I am sure people read it when they come for coffee but who cares. I am trying to become a better person and if in the end it helps me be a better partner than it was worth it. I still get pissed off though, I just think it out more.
Author incognito Posted January 10, 2006 Author Posted January 10, 2006 Thanks kj.....Does anyone else have any input on this? I'd really like to hear from more people who do this and what they did to stop or improve things..
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