BlacknessOfSleep Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 Any guys out there who can help me, please do!!! My boyfriend and I have been together for two years (in two days) and he's always been a musician, as have I. The thing is, he's been in and out of at LEAST 10 different bands (can't count them all on my fingers anymore). He makes all these close friends then dumps them as soon as he finds a better band or group of musicians. It bothers me that he's that way. But. With this newest band, he's pushing me back. He lived with me for a year, then circumstances forced us apart, so I moved to his town to be close to him, and he still practically lives with me (just goes home to sleep). The problem is this, with this new band, he told me that I'm on hold and he's going to practice with them pretty much every day for HOURS (like from 4:30 til 9:30 or so) and that he'll see me on weekend, and I should be happy about getting that much time. I was so hurt that I told him to just forget about our anniversary this week and spend that time practicing too. Well, night before last he told me he wouldn't do that. But tonight, he was supposed to be with me and go to the fitness center and have dinner (not anniversary yet, just a promised night) but he decided to blow me off to be with his band instead. How do I deal with this? I love him so much and two years is hard for me to just leave. Guys...please help.
slubberdegullion Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 I spent some time in the industry myself, so I may have a little bit of an idea where he's coming from. I think you may be misreading him. What you see as "blowing you off," he may see as commitment to his career. You're in the business too, so you know how bloody difficult it can be to get four or five or whatever musicians to work together as an integrated unit. It may look easy to the uninitiated, but you know how long it can take to integrate various styles, egos (especially lead guitarists!!) and all the other things that go together to create a cohesive musical force. That's not even to mention all the other necessary evils like lights, onstage props, set-up and all that. This situation, though, isn't that much different from a situation whereby one partner spends all their time at the office and the other partner feels neglected. Strange, though, that the partner that's waiting at home really appreciates the fact that the working partner brings home the big $$; and, of course, the downside is that if the working partner spends less time at the office, that probably means fewer $$, which leads to a different sort of stress. Now, I don't think it was appropriate of him to make a promise to have dinner etc with you and then change his mind at the last minute. But with that said, relationships needs a lot of grace. So talk to him. Tell him what your expectations are, because he won't know them unless you're clear about it. Good luck, and keep posting. We're here to help, if we can.
Author BlacknessOfSleep Posted January 9, 2006 Author Posted January 9, 2006 The thing is, it's not a career for him. He's a student, as am I. Music has always been a side project. He has these dreams of grandeur and all he talks about is "the new band" and it drives me crazy. All it's doing is destroying us. Since he moved back to his hometown all he's done is try to get attention for playing guitar. I moved here to be close to him and to go to nursing school, and lately he just leaves me alone here while he goes over to be with his friends and play. I've told him so many times that it's rude to leave me hanging with ex-plans while he goes somewhere else to practice. A while ago (just got off the phone with him about blowing me off) I told him he was so disrespectful to me...that I'm always the one who gets put aside and that he has NEVER told his band(s) that he already made plans with me, though when we have plans, he often breaks them saying "I have four other people's schedules to work around - it's not just YOU." I just cried and hung up and he told me he'll call me later and will see me some other time. :-( How exactly is that okay???? How can I make him see my side? I can't relate to him since I'm a girl, so I'm hoping a guy can give me a way to talk to him so that things might make a bit of sense. Please...I need so much help.
slubberdegullion Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 OK, I misunderstood, I thought the band was his career. There are two ways to look at this: No one gets anywhere in the business without a lot of hard, hard work, forsaking almost everything else to hone one's skills and create contacts in the industry. If this is his chosen career, then he's probably making the right moves career-wise;Putting his hobby ahead of almost everything else, especially his romantic relationships, tells you a little bit about his level of maturity. If he cannot see that his hobby time is crowding out everything else in his life, then you're better off knowing that now than later. How can you make him see your side? The bad news is you probably can't. The good news is that you don't have to put up with it for one moment longer. here comes the speech... Love, as I've often said, is a decision, not a feeling. It may start with feelings and the rush of initial sexuality, but that wears off soon enough and you're faced with a decision: Stay or go? From what I've read here, it seems to me that he's not mature enough to make the decision to be in love with you. If he wants to follow his dreams, that's fine; more power to the guy. But you don't have to put up with his disrespectful attitude. Yes, you have had two years with this fellow, and you've already made it clear that his changing bands and buddies at the slightest whim has got you wondering about his maturity. If it were me, I wouldn't give him an ultimatum, a "him or me" scenario, because that will likely backfire. I'd go NC (no contact) on him for a fixed period of time. Not long, say a week or so. Don't call. Don't email. Don't message. Don't respond to any of his attempts to contact you. After a week, contact him once: only once. Gauge his reaction to you being unavailable for a week. Did he miss you? Or is he p!ssed off that you weren't available when he wanted you? His reaction will give you a pretty good clue as to what to do next. Good luck!
Author BlacknessOfSleep Posted January 9, 2006 Author Posted January 9, 2006 Thanks for the help...its a hell of a hard decision to make with him. I have one last question though...and it's been just plaguing me for weeks. Last weekend (and it has been brought up many times before) we were out to dinner and it was wonderful and he looked at me and told me he knows how he is going to propose (marriage) to me. I just smiled and said I don't want to know, I'd rather have a surprise later in the year. Then, all this week, he's been so outright mean that we have barely talked (he's stressed because his schoolwork is just falling in on him...he did very poorly last semester and blames everything except the music for it, and he's also upset that I hate his new band-friends, and that I am just causing him so much trouble apparently). He goes back and forth between he "would die for me" to "I've been trying to leave you for ten months!" WTF?
slubberdegullion Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 WTF is right. This hot/cold/hot/cold behaviour is classic of abusers. I'm not suggesting that he's abusing you, but this sort of behaviour is pretty common among those who smack around their partners. "SHUT THE F@CK UP!!" *smack* followed a moment later by "Oh, I'm so sorry! I'll never do it again! I love you so much..!" Thankfully, you're not legally bound to him in any way at this point. I'd be extremely wary of him, because his actions and his words just don't match. Good luck!
Author BlacknessOfSleep Posted January 9, 2006 Author Posted January 9, 2006 He has some rage issues, but luckily he's never taken them out on me (he's a huge guy...every person that's ever met him told him to go be a quarterback in the nfl)...I'm the only person who's ever done anything physical...during one of our most heated fights I slapped the hell out of him for accusing me of some ridiculous things. Anyway...thanks
morrigan Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 It's not about his passion for music, but the fact that his priorities, regardless of what they are, always come first. It's also about the way he abandons people and projects once he feels he can't glean anything more from them. His rage issues are something to be concerned about. I think you're setting aside your career/musical hopes to try to make a better relationship with him, and he's not even attempting to meet you halfway, even emotionally. A good relationship is a give and take, not 100% equal, but both people find a good balance and are fine when work or other things sometimes causes one of the people to be busy. My boyfriend is into death metal/grincore, sometimes one of us can't go to a particular concert, but we love music, sharing views on certain bands. It's scary to leave a relationship, but it's better to make some tough choices for yourself now, than to get married and have all these problems get much worse. Good luck.
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