jd2004dc Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 My half-closeted boyfriend of 3.5 years and I broke up last September after (1) I discovered he was posting online sex ads (he has no idea I know about this) and (2) I got tired of dealing with closet issues. I told him at the time that I wanted to take a break. My thinking was that time apart would give him an opportunity to explore sexually (I am his first boyfriend), to realize the benefits of coming out on his own (without my nagging), and perhaps to appreciate again the positive aspects of our relationship (by realizing on his own that much of his unhappiness stemmed from his own failure to deal with his sexuality). I also chose not to tell him I knew about the sex ads because I felt that I would never trust him again unless he confessed on his on. But this he did not do. Instead he started crying hysterically (something out of character for him), and then told me that he no longer believed he was "in love" with me. We met up a few times after that--had post-breakup sex once--but in early November I got tired of what I could not help but interpret as his mixed signals and so I told him we had to stop having contact, period. Now fast forward to the present. I am dating a couple guys casually, meeting new friends, and overall doing much better. The ex is no longer the first or last thing I think about every day. Recently, however, I heard he has made some real progress at coming out. This makes me want to reestablish some sort of contact in order to explore the possibility of becoming friends (I am very close to my first boyfriend) or perhaps reconciling (if he has an interest and some of our underlying problems could be addressed). What do you guys think? I know NC is a good rule, but I think I sort of blew that by just announcing to him that he was not to contact me. Now he may not make contact even if he is interested because I doubt he has reached a point where he would know what he wants for sure one way or the other. (At the time of the break up, he used phrases like "for now" a lot, implying the break could be just temporary.) But perhaps by meeting up again now we could both have an opportunity to reaccess things in a more rational light? I for one think I have passed the desperation stage that made NC necessary -- although I am wary of ruining the progress I have made. Any advice would be much appreciated. Also, if it is OK to have limited contact, how would you go about it? Maybe a few emails and then coffee? Would you bring up the sex ads at some point? I know I would have to do so before ever reconciling or becoming his friend, but obviously I would want to wait a while so as not to start things off on the wrong foot. Thanks!
Mz. Pixie Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 You're exposing yourself to STD's by continuing to sleep with him. Why not find yourself a hetero man who is really interested in being monogamous with you?? I'm not gay bashing, one of my best friends is gay, but here's a tip- it's not usually something you get OVER or you make progress in. You're either gay or you are not. There are many people out there struggling to make themselves be hetero when they aren't. They get married and even have sex with their wives- who 20 years later say "I had no idea he was bi sexual or gay!" Save yourself the heartbreak. 1
Author jd2004dc Posted January 9, 2006 Author Posted January 9, 2006 ...Should have made clear we are both gay and know we are. It's just that he is half-closeted and still hangs out with straight friends who do not know.
tinktronik Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 You're exposing yourself to STD's by continuing to sleep with him. Why not find yourself a hetero man who is really interested in being monogamous with you?? I'm not gay bashing, one of my best friends is gay, but here's a tip- it's not usually something you get OVER or you make progress in. You're either gay or you are not. There are many people out there struggling to make themselves be hetero when they aren't. They get married and even have sex with their wives- who 20 years later say "I had no idea he was bi sexual or gay!" Save yourself the heartbreak. Mz. Pixie, i believe the poster is a gay male.So why would he want to find a hetro male?
bluechocolate Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 I for one think I have passed the desperation stage that made NC necessary -- although I am wary of ruining the progress I have made. And wary you should be. Also, if it is OK to have limited contact, how would you go about it? Maybe a few emails and then coffee? I think you should get the issue of his on-line ads out of the way as soon as possible. I don't necessarily see how it would be starting on the wrong foot (unless you bring it up in a confrontational manner) - it just sounds a bit sneaky to wait until later & then spring it on him. And like you say, there is no possibility of a reconciliation if the issues that ended things in the first place are left unresolved and if he's still lying to friends and/or family about himself. Stick with the emails first & see how he responds & what he has to say. One email may be enough for you to know that it won't go any further.
Author jd2004dc Posted January 9, 2006 Author Posted January 9, 2006 Stick with the emails first & see how he responds & what he has to say. One email may be enough for you to know that it won't go any further. Yeah I think that sounds like good advice -- but would you just write an email like that out of the way telling him I know about the ads? I just worry there is no way to do that in a nonconfrontational manner because it really does bother me.
bluechocolate Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 Yeah I think that sounds like good advice -- but would you just write an email like that out of the way telling him I know about the ads? I just worry there is no way to do that in a nonconfrontational manner because it really does bother me. I wouldn't tell him right away in the first email. Just be upfront & honest the next time you get in touch. You should have said something to him at the time, but you didn't. Just get it off your chest as soon as possible & see what he has to say. I don't get the impression that you're looking for an apology from him, more that you don't want to keep any secrets.
Mz. Pixie Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 I apologize- I had no idea that the poster was also gay. Sometimes I jump in without reading backgrounds and profiles. :o Still, at some point you have to let him know you know about the ads, especially if you guys get back together because wouldn't you question his fidelity?
Author jd2004dc Posted January 10, 2006 Author Posted January 10, 2006 Yeah I agree. I will say I didn't tell him at the time because I asked him point blank if he was being unfaithful in any way, letting him know that I think online chatting is unfaithful. He said no, he wasn't. Therefore I realized I would never trust him again if I had to show him evidence before he would be honest -- and like I said, I had no way of knowing whether he acted on the ads or not. But yes, now I do want to get it off my chest. Thanks for the suggestions.
HokeyReligions Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 I doubt he has reached a point where he would know what he wants for sure one way or the other. It's hard to let go, but let go you must. You said it yourself; you were his "first" which implies that there will be others after you. Let him move on without confusing him with possible reconciliation disguised as friendship, or friendship disguised as a possible reconciliation. That goes for hetero- or homosexuals. Relationships are confusing in and of themselves. Maybe after his next relationship you can be friends again. He needs time to mature and accept and appreciate who HE is without basing his confidence on what others think. I understand that this may be more difficult for homosexuals because of the view much of society takes and that can make it much harder for one to find their own confidence--especially if they feel they don't have family support and acceptance.
Author jd2004dc Posted January 10, 2006 Author Posted January 10, 2006 Maybe after his next relationship you can be friends again. He needs time to mature and accept and appreciate who HE is without basing his confidence on what others think Interesting, but I think that's right too -- sad, but right. I guess my first ex and I only really became friends about 1.5 years after the breakup and we had both become involved in serious relationships...
cygny Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 Yeah I agree. I will say I didn't tell him at the time because I asked him point blank if he was being unfaithful in any way, letting him know that I think online chatting is unfaithful. He said no, he wasn't. Therefore I realized I would never trust him again if I had to show him evidence before he would be honest -- and like I said, I had no way of knowing whether he acted on the ads or not. But yes, now I do want to get it off my chest. Thanks for the suggestions. It sounds like the fidelity issue would still be an issue, even tho the closet issue is partially resolved. Had you pledged to be exclusive with each other? Most of my gay friends are notoriously and happily promiscuous, even if they have boyfriends and expect the other person to be faithful. It seems like part of the gay culture, almost (I live in a gay area and work in a field with alot of gays). So it seems like jumping the gun telling him you know about the ads, unless he shows alot of interest in you and in getting back together.
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