juliainoz Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 Not contacting him, not thinking about him, til i came home from dropping off my son at daycare and found he had been at my house and dropped a photo cd with the photos of our holiday that we had just before he broke up with me. I called him wanting to know where my sons fishing rod was what he was supposed to bring and we started chatting, and he started asking me what i have been doing - he has been not contacting me or anything so when he starts doing this - it used to mean that he was missing me (last time) so i got off the phone and looked through the photos he sent - got emotional and wrote a long email getting some feelings off my chest - not a please lets get back together post.....but basically putting it all out there......... and he hasnt responded.....so now i feel like a dork - oh well back to no contact this time - and this time i mean it........ (Yes i know what i did was wrong, but i felt i needed to do it to get the rest of the thoughts out of my system - before i tried to meet new people and get on with my life.) 1
Lishy Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 you did the right thing. He may still reply honey but just get on with your life now. its hard whem kids are involved in the mix - I would say he is missing you but he is probably scared - We al hate messing up whatever sex we are! Keep at the NC and dont beat yourself up - You did the right thing! 1
Geoffrey Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 Yeah, I broke NC last nite around midnight....called my ex after a few glasses of wine....she actually took my call....I could tell she had a few too. Nice chat, she said I can come up this week and....this is the weird part....pick up SOME of my things that I still have at the house.....well, why not ALL of them?? Hmmmm..... We talked about my kids (my youngest turned 4 on Saturday - she was always very fond of him), a few other little things, shared a couple of laughs (just like we always did)....then she got quiet....I think she may have started to cry....and abruptly ended the call....I called back but she didn't pick up. And so it goes. 1
Author juliainoz Posted January 10, 2006 Author Posted January 10, 2006 oh well still no reply to my letter.........but im keeping up not contacting him.... just wish he would reply.
In Sync Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 Ok, you people breaking NC..for the brief comfort of contact with the ex. Remember that you are placing yourselves in a vulnerable position by maintaining little hits of contact. What may feel like hope and another chance will come back to bite you in the a**. Of course your ex, doesn't mind the attempts you make at flirting an catching up, chit-chat..but know that underneathe you are not emotionally free of them. This person has already let you know, how they feel about the relationship...if they decide to not respond to a letter or call after you thought things were cool between you..YOU will be the one waiting and wondering if they are giving mixed signals. And THEN back to square one..with all the frustration in tail. Remember by breaking NC..you are giving them the power to hurt you all over again. Ask yourself is it worth it to catch up? 1
Geoffrey Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 ....I don't disagree with anything you said. But I've learned that the greatest risk you take in loving someone....is not taking the risk....
In Sync Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 ....I don't disagree with anything you said. But I've learned that the greatest risk you take in loving someone....is not taking the risk.... No, I believe in not putting yourself in a much more vulnerable position when you are dealing with the emotional pitfalls of a heartbreak. If you find yourself in a new realtionship and you don't know the other person..yes you are taking a risk a chance in putting yourself out there. Opening up in the game of love. But when someone has already revealed their true feelings i.e., by their moving on (that's not a risk. that's just ignoring what's in front of you.) A bit like putting sour milk back in the frig and then taking it out again and thinking "Oh maybe today it'll be fresh!"
Geoffrey Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 No, I believe in not putting yourself in a much more vulnerable position when you are dealing with the emotional pitfalls of a heartbreak. If you find yourself in a new realtionship and you don't know the other person..yes you are taking a risk a chance in putting yourself out there. Opening up in the game of love. But when someone has already revealed their true feelings i.e., by their moving on (that's not a risk. that's just ignoring what's in front of you.) A bit like putting sour milk back in the frig and then taking it out again and thinking "Oh maybe today it'll be fresh!" I understand that too. In my situation, there are some unanswered questions and some uncertainty with regard to my ex's feelings. I KNOW she still loves me...as I certainly do her, but the reason I contacted her was to make arrangements to pick up the last of my things....and her response seemed to indicate ambivalence about the breakup...hence the long delay in retrieving my things. I mean, if she were truly "through" with our relationship....those things would have been picked up weeks ago and she would be OK with it and I would have NO reason to contact her. Neither of us have contacted the other for the last two+ weeks because this breakup has been very painful for both of us. I know this to be true, because I know her and the way she thinks. Everyone has their reasons for breaking NC. I would like to sit down with her the next time I see her and ask her point-blank...."exactly how badly do you want this breakup, anyway?" To use your paradigm, I'm opening the refrigerator and the next step is taking the cap off the milk bottle....
In Sync Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 I understand that too. In my situation, there are some unanswered questions and some uncertainty with regard to my ex's feelings. I KNOW she still loves me...as I certainly do her, but the reason I contacted her was to make arrangements to pick up the last of my things....and her response seemed to indicate ambivalence about the breakup...hence the long delay in retrieving my things. I mean, if she were truly "through" with our relationship....those things would have been picked up weeks ago and she would be OK with it and I would have NO reason to contact her. Neither of us have contacted the other for the last two+ weeks because this breakup has been very painful for both of us. I know this to be true, because I know her and the way she thinks. Everyone has their reasons for breaking NC. I would like to sit down with her the next time I see her and ask her point-blank...."exactly how badly do you want this breakup, anyway?" To use your paradigm, I'm opening the refrigerator and the next step is taking the cap off the milk bottle.... I hear you, but can I ask you something? You seem to be giving her alot of allowances. Uhm, You know that you want her and have no problem saying this..why would it be any less difficult for her to say the same to you. if that's the case. I mean did she break it off or did you? I always want to be clear on this so there's no misunderstanding. I think there's a difference and her still having love for you and wanting to be with you as "a couple". Are you reading ambivilence or just her reluctance to be cold and distant. I mean, when has a woman ever (when she truly wants to be with a man come heaven or hell, not picked up a phone and said I can't do this stay away from you a second longer!) What would happen if she said that? Would you say no way? So obviously she has nothing in terms of rejection from you, ergo I ask why hasn't she proceeded to do this?
Geoffrey Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 Well, the breakup was mutual. She is going through some intense emotional and personal issues right now. She is currently unemployed, with benefits running out in December. Depression is an issue also. She is terribly, terribly confused about her feelings and has a great deal of trouble facing them directly. In short, she is a mess. I could not suffer any more of her lack of ambition nor unwillingness to work on herself and get well. She also has feelings for someone else whom I know isn't a good fit for her. He basically stole her from me in her vulnerability, but I know he CANNOT love her and care for her like I can. He is helping her fiancially and certainly has major issues of his own. Bottom line....I want my things back....and I want to know if this breakup is intended as a permanent thing. If she were to call me and say "I can't stand to be apart from you for another minute!" that would be music to my ears, but I'm not sitting by the phone waiting for that to happen. Besides, she needs to get HERSELF well before this can go any further. It was not always this way, it's been a long, slow process of decline. I know what she is really like when she is well...and that is the girl I fell in love with. Whether or not that "girl" comes back is anybody's guess right now. The ball is entirely in her court right now, and will probably stay there for some time. However....she did wonder aloud if she is making the biggest mistake of her life by doing this....and only time will tell if that is the case. That is where I'm reading ambivalence. She cries hard when we see each other or talk on the phone. I'm a very, very patient man...often to a fault!! I'm giving her allowances to let her sort it all out for herself, without pressure from me. Are we both holding on to some extent? Probably. What can I say....I'm human and vulnerable too, and I certainly don't do everything right either. That's the best I can do.
In Sync Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 Well, the breakup was mutual. She is going through some intense emotional and personal issues right now. She is currently unemployed, with benefits running out in December. Depression is an issue also. She is terribly, terribly confused about her feelings and has a great deal of trouble facing them directly. In short, she is a mess. I could not suffer any more of her lack of ambition nor unwillingness to work on herself and get well. She also has feelings for someone else whom I know isn't a good fit for her. He basically stole her from me in her vulnerability, but I know he CANNOT love her and care for her like I can. He is helping her fiancially and certainly has major issues of his own. Bottom line....I want my things back....and I want to know if this breakup is intended as a permanent thing. If she were to call me and say "I can't stand to be apart from you for another minute!" that would be music to my ears, but I'm not sitting by the phone waiting for that to happen. Besides, she needs to get HERSELF well before this can go any further. It was not always this way, it's been a long, slow process of decline. I know what she is really like when she is well...and that is the girl I fell in love with. Whether or not that "girl" comes back is anybody's guess right now. The ball is entirely in her court right now, and will probably stay there for some time. However....she did wonder aloud if she is making the biggest mistake of her life by doing this....and only time will tell if that is the case. That is where I'm reading ambivalence. She cries hard when we see each other or talk on the phone. I'm a very, very patient man...often to a fault!! I'm giving her allowances to let her sort it all out for herself, without pressure from me. Are we both holding on to some extent? Probably. What can I say....I'm human and vulnerable too, and I certainly don't do everything right either. That's the best I can do. I am so glad you told me this, because now more than ever do I stand by NC. You are a nurturing and a caretaker...and she is a wounded bird. This being patience is commendable, but her problems are definitely not going to be resolved in a relationship with you. AND believe me she knows it. You are being drawn into her depressive cycles and (god bless you) You want to be there and show her love, but this patiences is draining to you. Plus you have a child, am I right? You are hanging on to the image of her 'up' cycles and now she's in a down cycle. NC is clearly what you both need. She to take care of herself. And you, because you are becoming a dependant source, a paternal thing is going on here. You are even using words like 'girl'. I am assuming she is an adult...she's a woman who probably needs to sort her stuff out..and you need to figure out what you are gaining out of this relationship with the instability of it.
Geoffrey Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 I am so glad you told me this, because now more than ever do I stand by NC. You are a nurturing and a caretaker...and she is a wounded bird. This being patience is commendable, but her problems are definitely not going to be resolved in a relationship with you. AND believe me she knows it. You are being drawn into her depressive cycles and (god bless you) You want to be there and show her love, but this patiences is draining to you. Plus you have a child, am I right? You are hanging on to the image of her 'up' cycles and now she's in a down cycle. NC is clearly what you both need. She to take care of herself. And you, because you are becoming a dependant source, a paternal thing is going on here. You are even using words like 'girl'. I am assuming she is an adult...she's a woman who probably needs to sort her stuff out..and you need to figure out what you are gaining out of this relationship with the instability of it. You are right about her problems. As I mentioned, she needs to work them out HERSELF. And you are also right, I am a caretaker by nature. I try to build people up, not tear them down. That is the main reason I left, I was drained and had nothing more to give. I don't know why, but I am crying pretty hard as I am writing this. I have three young sons - all of whom she adored, and they adored her too. We all spent much quality time together and, believe me, they took it hard too when we split up. I call her "girl" because it is a term of endearment to me. She had many little nicknames, too, from me. The "ups" were beyond wonderful....and the "downs" were beyond miserable. I have served as her guardian angel more than once...and there wre times this angel had to fight, too... I don't know, it was one of those things that, when it was good, made us inseparable....and I guess neither of us thought it would come to this...she is hurting over it as much as I am. Real love can cause real pain... Thanks, that was about the nicest response you could have given me.
In Sync Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 You are right about her problems. As I mentioned, she needs to work them out HERSELF. And you are also right, I am a caretaker by nature. I try to build people up, not tear them down. That is the main reason I left, I was drained and had nothing more to give. I don't know why, but I am crying pretty hard as I am writing this. I have three young sons - all of whom she adored, and they adored her too. We all spent much quality time together and, believe me, they took it hard too when we split up. I call her "girl" because it is a term of endearment to me. She had many little nicknames, too, from me. The "ups" were beyond wonderful....and the "downs" were beyond miserable. I have served as her guardian angel more than once...and there wre times this angel had to fight, too... I don't know, it was one of those things that, when it was good, made us inseparable....and I guess neither of us thought it would come to this...she is hurting over it as much as I am. Real love can cause real pain... Thanks, that was about the nicest response you could have given me. You're deluding yourself. Real love causes you pain. BS. Real love is beautiful. We've all been blindsided by this lie and it's simply not true. The proof is your child. You love your children, do they cause you pain..or sheer joy? And speaking of your children, I'm going to ask you a straight up question..don't jump..sit on it and then reply? You are introducing a woman into their lives as well..is she the best role model that you think is suitable for them? Answer that one honestly. Yes you have needs, desires and cannot sacrifice those just for your kids...But you also can do a bit more searching in finding a partner who is both a prize for yourself and your children.
semi Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 Nobody OWNS anybody else. People will do things that upset us, but that is just them doing what they want. They don't need anyone's permission to do these things. It may seem as though they are trying to hurt you but really they are just living life. It may look selfish but put yourself in their shoes and do exactly what they are doing moving on and living. We don't have enough time to sit around and worry about past. They don't want to see you worrying about them, they want you to move forward with your life. I just realized that my ex wasn't trying to hurt me with her actions after we broke up she was just looking after herself and knew that being apologetic and checking in on me would only hurt us from moving on and pursuing our own lives. So for being such a cold bitch, I pretty much thank my ex. Sometimes I wonder how my mom may have felt when I was doing the things that really didn't fall in line with the way she wanted me to pursue a career. I am choosing the things I want and I know that is best for me and now she is proud of me. I hope this helps or makes sense.
Geoffrey Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 You're deluding yourself. Real love causes you pain. BS. Real love is beautiful. We've all been blindsided by this lie and it's simply not true. The proof is your child. You love your children, do they cause you pain..or sheer joy? And speaking of your children, I'm going to ask you a straight up question..don't jump..sit on it and then reply? You are introducing a woman into their lives as well..is she the best role model that you think is suitable for them? Answer that one honestly. Yes you have needs, desires and cannot sacrifice those just for your kids...But you also can do a bit more searching in finding a partner who is both a prize for yourself and your children. No, I don't think I am deluding myself. Love is a choice. When we choose to love someone, we must prepare for the bitter with the sweet. Obviously, this is the bitter part. If I didn't love my ex, then it wouldn't cause me (or her) pain to go through a breakup, right? As for the children, they cause both pain and sheer joy and everything in between. For a very long time, my ex was an excellent model for them. There were some women I dated (and these are the ones I did NOT introduce them to) who showed literally no interest in the fact that I have children. But like you said earlier....she is a wounded bird right now. And does she still love me....? Yes, because I just got off an hour+ long phone conversation with her, we talked about everything...settled some issues.....and she told me so. At this time, she isn't well, period. She's not up to the job and neither am I. So on with the campaign, wherever it may lead me.
In Sync Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 Glad to hear you found the answers you were seeking. I still think maintaining NC is a good choice, but if you two have a future go for it. Best Regards!
Geoffrey Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 I don't know if we have a future or not....that remains to be seen, time will tell. She has much work to do and so do I. I'm not going to bet the rent on it. She did tell me all the things she missed about me (doing little things for her, laughing hysterically together, the love we shared, the kids, etc.) so in a way, it was good that we FINALLY got to have the conversation. There were tears, apologies, and venting. I'm going up on Thursday nite to get my things. She said I could hang onto the house key. You sure gave me a good run for my money today....that was a good conversation we had! Thanks for sharing your insights, I did consider them carefully before responding to you. See you on the boards!
In Sync Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 I don't know if we have a future or not....that remains to be seen, time will tell. She has much work to do and so do I. I'm not going to bet the rent on it. She did tell me all the things she missed about me (doing little things for her, laughing hysterically together, the love we shared, the kids, etc.) so in a way, it was good that we FINALLY got to have the conversation. There were tears, apologies, and venting. I'm going up on Thursday nite to get my things. She said I could hang onto the house key. You sure gave me a good run for my money today....that was a good conversation we had! Thanks for sharing your insights, I did consider them carefully before responding to you. See you on the boards! No problem...there was one more point I wanted to mention to you but between work and hitting the boards I almost forgot....Keep in mind that people are ruled by their habits, be it how they deal with food, drugs, alcohol, the time they wake up or how they have their coffee and especially in their relationships...some keep gravitating to being caretakers over and over others are always passive and attract aggessive types and find disappointment but they meet the same type, again and again and repeat the same relationship again and again. Until we break our habits, by being aware of them those habits rule us. And we walk around not knowing how did this happen to me..why did they do this to me. NC is good because during this time you and your girl will have time to examine yourself, see where your habits lay. See what little things have lead you to this point. Usually when you are aware of those "inner demons" a.k.a. habits that are not resourceful, you might change. I say might because, habits are a bitch to confront and conquer.Also if you start to zero in and change those habits..you will eventually change the type of people and situations you invite in your life. What was acceptable to you before suddenly will look different becuase you are not reacting out of habit!
Geoffrey Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 You are right about that, we did discuss the NC thing and it was something we were both observing with one another, for the sake of healing. It is slowly getting easier for both of us, and yes, the time apart gave me many answers and insights to our relationship, which she and I talked about yesterday. After the conversation, I felt better about things...we agreed that there were one or two things that really should have been changed when we were together, because those things ended up being very harmful to the love we shared. In other words, "what would we have done differently."
Geoffrey Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 ....an email this morning....saying she was glad we talked yesterday....that was unexpected....and a pleasant surprise.
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