lilmoma1973 Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 Why is that some people want to do for themselves all the time,but when it comes to someone else they can't find the time? For example: I can ask my h to do the simpliest things and he won't ,but when it comes to him he wants me to do everything for him .. But when it comes to me he won't do anything for me unless i consistantly ask him over and over again.... It is almost like he doesn't care what i say or want its all about him!! I can ask him to do something one time and two or three months later it is still not done, but if something to be done for him he wants it done right away... Can someone explain this to me?
littlekitty Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 Yes! It's called being selfish and impatient!! Seems to me that he has a slightly selfish and impatient streak in him! He's happy for you to do his bidding, but less happy when he is requested to put himself out for you. He wants his stuff done NOW... but you can wait..! I think you'll just have to accept this. Fortunately my other half and I have a wonderfully giving relationship... he does for me and I do for him. He'll get me a glass of water in the middle of the night, and I'd do the same for him. We do it because making the other person happy, even when it sometimes put us out, is a wonderful thing!
Author lilmoma1973 Posted January 9, 2006 Author Posted January 9, 2006 Yes! It's called being selfish and impatient!! Seems to me that he has a slightly selfish and impatient streak in him! He's happy for you to do his bidding, but less happy when he is requested to put himself out for you. He wants his stuff done NOW... but you can wait..! I think you'll just have to accept this. Fortunately my other half and I have a wonderfully giving relationship... he does for me and I do for him. He'll get me a glass of water in the middle of the night, and I'd do the same for him. We do it because making the other person happy, even when it sometimes put us out, is a wonderful thing! H wasn't like this before i married him now that we are he is selfish and inconsiderate.. It all changes when you marry them !! We been together 13 yrs married 8
JadeStar Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 I would have to agree thats its selfishness on his part. The bad thing is most of the time people like that will not change. Not saying people can't, but alot of times they wont change unless somewhere along the way they see they are being selfish and are willing to change. Jade
Woggle Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 My GF and I do for each other all the time and we enjoy it. There is nothing I would not do for her and vice versa. This what love should be. That being said very few people get to see that side of me because they take advantage. The sad truth is that we live in a dog eat dog world and if a person does not learn to bite they will get bitten. I wish it wasn't like that but that is the world we live in.
SmoochieFace Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 H wasn't like this before i married him now that we are he is selfish and inconsiderate.. It all changes when you marry them !! We been together 13 yrs married 8 He's basically *settled in* and is taking you for granted. That is common in marriages. I experienced it - only in reverse. My wife became quite lazy and shiftless during our marriage. That, and her irresponsibility with the finances, led to its demise.
littlekitty Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 H wasn't like this before i married him now that we are he is selfish and inconsiderate.. It all changes when you marry them !! We been together 13 yrs married 8 Yeah the time and marriage thing did occur to me as I wrote that!! But by the same token, your other posts reek of selfishness on your husband's behalf. It's almost like since he got married, he's been unable to accept the responsibilities that come with it. That he's too selfish to give up part of his own life for the happiness of his family. I feel for you.
Author lilmoma1973 Posted January 9, 2006 Author Posted January 9, 2006 My GF and I do for each other all the time and we enjoy it. There is nothing I would not do for her and vice versa. This what love should be. That being said very few people get to see that side of me because they take advantage. The sad truth is that we live in a dog eat dog world and if a person does not learn to bite they will get bitten. I wish it wasn't like that but that is the world we live in. Yeah i understand that and won't do for my h anymore till he realizes that you have to be fair to one another.. I stated to my h when he called asking if i done those things for him and said no later ,he got furious and said he didn't understand what i wanted !!! I said why is it when you want something done it has to be now and when i do it gets when you want to!! He got mad and hung up .. So from now on it will all about me and forget him !!
Woggle Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 Yeah i understand that and won't do for my h anymore till he realizes that you have to be fair to one another.. I stated to my h when he called asking if i done those things for him and said no later ,he got furious and said he didn't understand what i wanted !!! I said why is it when you want something done it has to be now and when i do it gets when you want to!! He got mad and hung up .. So from now on it will all about me and forget him !! I hate to say it but I think marriage moght be over already. When things start regressing into a power struggle like this it is a sign of trouble. I would tell him to go see a counseler or you might end it. Even a guy like me can see he is not being fair.
littlekitty Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 I hate to say it but I think marriage moght be over already. When things start regressing into a power struggle like this it is a sign of trouble. I would tell him to go see a counseler or you might end it. Even a guy like me can see he is not being fair. I agree it sounds like there are quite a few issues in this marriage... poor lilmomma.
Author lilmoma1973 Posted January 9, 2006 Author Posted January 9, 2006 Yeah the time and marriage thing did occur to me as I wrote that!! But by the same token, your other posts reek of selfishness on your husband's behalf. It's almost like since he got married, he's been unable to accept the responsibilities that come with it. That he's too selfish to give up part of his own life for the happiness of his family. I feel for you. Little you have hit the nail on the head !!! What you have said i was getting ready to reply about but you stated it before i could... My h is in a band and has stated to me that he won't give it up for me ,our daughter or noone this was told to me when we got into an argument.. We are having problems with our daughter being angry and not listening and she states all the time he cares more for the band.. I do not put this in her head at all this is from a 6 yrd old and she isn't stupid and she as a mind of her own and h thinks i am telling her this whatever..
CherryBomb11 Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 Hi, I have been lurking on here and reading others posts on things. I have read some of yours and I have to ask, why are still with him? I have seen where in some of your posts it says your husband is selfish, doesn't help out alot, doesn't care about your familys feelings, he acts inconsiderate. He stays gone alot with his hobby, etc etc. If you all have tried counseling, why are you with him still? It seems to me its not going to change and that he doesn't want to change. Please don't settle for this if you're unhappy. If you continue to stay in a unhealthy situation like this, whats the pay off for doing so?
Author lilmoma1973 Posted January 9, 2006 Author Posted January 9, 2006 I agree it sounds like there are quite a few issues in this marriage... poor lilmomma. Thanks Woggle and Little for your advice and yes there is alot going on in this marriage if we aren't band than we don't matter.. Read my post about its affecting our child.. My h doesn't do things for the kids when they ask most of the time i do .. My ss needs medicine for his acne and he is yet to do it...He knows i will do it so he don't care.. When it comes to him anymore i will not do for him he will be last on my list from now on..
Author lilmoma1973 Posted January 9, 2006 Author Posted January 9, 2006 Hi, I have been lurking on here and reading others posts on things. I have read some of yours and I have to ask, why are still with him? I have seen where in some of your posts it says your husband is selfish, doesn't help out alot, doesn't care about your familys feelings, he acts inconsiderate. He stays gone alot with his hobby, etc etc. If you all have tried counseling, why are you with him still? It seems to me its not going to change and that he doesn't want to change. Please don't settle for this if you're unhappy. If you continue to stay in a unhealthy situation like this, whats the pay off for doing so? Your right ,but he had been helping out more around the house with the kids and all after i had made that post about my daughter and he was seeing where he was doing wrong let him read the post i made but it didn't last long and we got into an argument Saturday and i told him how i feel about things and he seen how daughter feels too.. He did play a couple games with her and all but that was first time he done it awhile.. You all are right i don't think he wants to change and i have to decide what is best for me and my daughter.. He feels that he was deprived because he became a dad at 17 and he thinks he deserves the world to be handed to him for stepping up to the plate and not leaving. Oh yeah asked him when he was going to get me a mother's ring and he said "Why you don't even like being a mother?" He says i complain all the time and blah blah .. He tells me i hate my own daughter.. That isn't true because if i didn't want to be here i wouldn't !! H tells me he is here cause he wants to be but i have to wonder if it is because he will have to pay child support and he would hardly see daughter because he has band .. When will he have the time if he isn't with us to see daughter he barely sees her now and i think he realizes it.. H won't have a babysitter for daughter and a ride for ss to go to school .. I take ss to school ...
CherryBomb11 Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 It just doesn't seem like he wants to be married and if he does he wants things his way and not shared responsibilties for nothing, that not a marriage.Trust me I have seen this type of thing and know all to well. I think you know this too, so once again you stay, why? I really doubt its going to change hun.
littlekitty Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 Thanks Woggle and Little for your advice and yes there is alot going on in this marriage if we aren't band than we don't matter.. Read my post about its affecting our child.. My h doesn't do things for the kids when they ask most of the time i do .. My ss needs medicine for his acne and he is yet to do it...He knows i will do it so he don't care.. When it comes to him anymore i will not do for him he will be last on my list from now on.. Have you guys tried the marriage builders website? I see that recommended on here alot. If he's not keen on counselling, maybe something you can work on together in your own time would help?! I know it's easy to think *humph* well I'm going to treat him the same then!! But I'm not sure it's going to help your situation. Sorry, but that MHO. I think if you want to try to fix this, you have to try to take the high road and find ways to work on this? Do you want to fix it?
a4a Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 Lilmoma Why not use the time that you have right now to better yourself? Take a couple of classes, learn a new skill that will be useful to your future. It sounds if though you are in hope that he will change regardless. The best way to get him to change is for you to change your ways. Turn all this BS into your advantage and to better your future and your daughters. It is obvious he is probably not setting a good example for your daughter so it is up to you to do so. (sorry to be harsh, and can only see by what you post here) Take a class or two....... use all that energy you are putting into him to actually do something for yourself and your daughter! a4a- I smell bacon
Author lilmoma1973 Posted January 10, 2006 Author Posted January 10, 2006 Thanks Little and a4a for your replys and yes Little love the marriage builder's website and have sent it to my h but not sure that he looks at it as much as i have.. I also have signed up there and make posts to it.. I love that site and lets you know that you aren't the only one with these types of problems..
Lil Honey Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 This is an excellent idea: Why not use the time that you have right now to better yourself? Take a couple of classes, learn a new skill that will be useful to your future. Turn all this BS into your advantage and to better your future and your daughters. It is obvious he is probably not setting a good example for your daughter so it is up to you to do so. Take a class or two....... use all that energy you are putting into him to actually do something for yourself and your daughter! LilMoma: On this thread and another one, you have mentioned that your husband was a father at age 17 and your think he is resentful. All I can say to that is, if he didn't want to be a father at 17, he needed to be more careful. I'm sure that at that age, he knew the basics of the Birds and the Bees. I don't recall how old he is now, but he's had all these years to get used to the idea. He needs to move on from his resentment/consequences for his own actions. I, too, have read many of your posts. There are many things that you have said that I can relate to. I suggest trying to work it out. However, marriage isn't a one-sided relationship. It is a partnership. Just as a business venture will deteriorate if one partner refuses to work, the same can - and ususally does - happen in a marriage. While you try to make it work, start school and put a couple dollars a week - whatever you can afford - aside for your future. Get a part-time job to get the skills needed for a future full-time job.
Author lilmoma1973 Posted January 10, 2006 Author Posted January 10, 2006 This is an excellent idea: LilMoma: On this thread and another one, you have mentioned that your husband was a father at age 17 and your think he is resentful. All I can say to that is, if he didn't want to be a father at 17, he needed to be more careful. I'm sure that at that age, he knew the basics of the Birds and the Bees. I don't recall how old he is now, but he's had all these years to get used to the idea. He needs to move on from his resentment/consequences for his own actions. I, too, have read many of your posts. There are many things that you have said that I can relate to. I suggest trying to work it out. However, marriage isn't a one-sided relationship. It is a partnership. Just as a business venture will deteriorate if one partner refuses to work, the same can - and ususally does - happen in a marriage. While you try to make it work, start school and put a couple dollars a week - whatever you can afford - aside for your future. Get a part-time job to get the skills needed for a future full-time job. Totally agree and yes he should have gotten over that and he should have taken precaution .. It is his fault for what he got himself into noone to blame but himself and i i think that is what it is ..He is mad at himself cause he is at fault.. Yeah you ar right it is a partnership not one sided totally agree but some men feel that the women should do all the work in the relationship ..
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