Very confused and extremly hurting

January 12

Hello everyone. I had a relathionship that lasted 5 years. We broke up 20 days ago. We met at work, we were collegues. 5 months ago I had a better ofer, he supported me, so I chsnged my job. After 2 months he started to hang out more and more with the collegues he has never been hanging out before. They were all single, some of them good looking girls. I was a little bit suspisious and angry. We had a big fight when he told me he wants to gou out with them again. I got so angry lost control and slaped him. I know it was a wrong move. His family was not supportive of our relathion because im devorced with a child. So he was hiding it from them and not ready to start a life with me. This night in my anger i called his mom telling her that he is with me all time, but he is emotionally abusing me. We had no contact for 4 days. I called we met. I said sorry and i want us to move in together after the hollidays. He said what i have done is anacceptable and cant be with me right now. That he is scared from my actions. No contact since than, i tried to call send messages. He only replayed to happy new year message. I saw pictires from celebration from work, he was all the time next to one girl i was suspicios of. I stoped sending messages for 10 days even if it hurts. Now i see he has deleted his whats up account, we were using it for communication and mostly for me. This hurt me really bad. I cant get over him. Why the whole account, he could have blocked me. Very confused and hurting badly.

January 12

I have no idea why you are confused. And why are you complaining about being hurt when you're the one who assaulted him?

I agree 100% that he was right in seeing your physical assault of him as a dealbreaker, however there were also other issues with you being suspicious and angry. And him hiding you from his family. All in all, it sounds like this relationship was toxic all around and needed to end anyway.

January 12

9 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I have no idea why you are confused. And why are you complaining about being hurt when you're the one who assaulted him?

I agree 100% that he was right in seeing your physical assault of him as a dealbreaker, however there were also other issues with you being suspicious and angry. And him hiding you from his family. All in all, it sounds like this relationship was toxic all around and needed to end anyway.

When I saw this girl next to all pics I sent a friend request to her. We know eachother. She just not that only not accepted me, but blocked me after few days. This was also very suspicios. Maybe they are together. And yes I know I overreacted with my actions, but it hurt me really bad, that he supported me to leave my job, and after that to hang out freely with all of them. You think I was right beeing suspicious?

January 12

20 minutes ago, basil67 said:

All in all, it sounds like this relationship was toxic all around and needed to end anyway.

And can you explain this a little more?

January 12

15 minutes ago, Sunshine005 said:

And can you explain this a little more?

Most of the toxicity is on your part

Suspicious and angry that he's hanging out with single friends, some of whom who were good looking
Out of control anger and violence
Lying to his mother telling her that he's emotionally abusing you (you haven't disclosed anything remotely like emotional abuse)

On his part

Hiding you from his mother

I think you could do with a little self reflection - your behaviour in all of this is not remotely acceptable

January 12

28 minutes ago, Sunshine005 said:

When I saw this girl next to all pics I sent a friend request to her. We know eachother. She just not that only not accepted me, but blocked me after few days. This was also very suspicios. Maybe they are together. And yes I know I overreacted with my actions, but it hurt me really bad, that he supported me to leave my job, and after that to hang out freely with all of them. You think I was right beeing suspicious?

He was out socialising with them, not being absent without explanation, so I think you were very wrong.

Were you already upset at your partner for going out with the group when you sent the friend request to the attractive lady? And what do you know of her which makes you think she'd be sleeping with a man in a relationship? And if she is the kind to sleep with a man who is in a relationship, why send her a friend request?

January 12

2 minutes ago, basil67 said:

He was out socialising with them, not being absent without explanation, so I think you were very wrong.

Were you already upset at your partner for going out with the group when you sent the friend request to the attractive lady? And what do you know of her which makes you think she'd be sleeping with a man in a relationship? And if she is the kind to sleep with a man who is in a relationship, why send her a friend request?

It was after we broke up 10 days . I wanted to see her status and pics. But I was very suprised of her blocking me, because she was my ex collegue and we knew eachother. I feel very sorry now of my actions, but he will never come back I know that.

January 12

11 minutes ago, Sunshine005 said:

It was after we broke up 10 days . I wanted to see her status and pics. But I was very suprised of her blocking me, because she was my ex collegue and we knew eachother. I feel very sorry now of my actions, but he will never come back I know that.

I'm sure he disclosed your behaviour to her and the rest of the social group after you hit him, so it makes sense she blocked you. Why would she be your friend after that?

January 12

8 minutes ago, S2B said:

He hid you and your child as a secret for 5 years!

It’s not worth continuing any relationship with him.

be done - move forward. And be ever be any man’s secret again.

I think the thing that most hurted him is that I told his mom about our relationship and that I lied.

January 12

4 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I'm sure he disclosed your behaviour to her and the rest of the social group after you hit him, so it makes sense she blocked you. Why would she be your friend after that?

I sure he has not told this. Because they didnt know about our relationship, we were collegues and afraid of hr and managment how will react. Although I think they all knew.

Edited January 12 by Sunshine005

January 12

1 minute ago, Sunshine005 said:

I sure he has not told this. Because they didnt know about our relationship, we were collegues and afraid of hr and managment how will react. Although I think they all knew.

If you're now an ex, there's nothing to hide from HR now, so he can tell whoever he likes. The only caveat being that what he says should be true so as to not slander you

If my partner has hit me and I broke up with them, I'd be telling friends the story

January 12

28 minutes ago, S2B said:

He hid you and your child as a secret for 5 years!

It’s not worth continuing any relationship with him.

be done - move forward. And be ever be any man’s secret again.

And yes he was never ready to tell his family, all the time I was breaking up with him because of this. He wouldnt let go of me, chasing me like crazy, telling me he loves me but never ready to commit. I wanted to start a life together, he was all the time chsnging the subject. We are 40 years old,not children. Now when I made one stupid move he left me with no simphaty of me.

January 12

33 minutes ago, Sunshine005 said:

I sure he has not told this. Because they didnt know about our relationship, we were collegues and afraid of hr and managment how will react. Although I think they all knew.

I do belive they are together right now because he deleted his whats up account. Why would he delete the whole account which was used for communication with me mostly?

January 12

31 minutes ago, basil67 said:

If you're now an ex, there's nothing to hide from HR now, so he can tell whoever he likes. The only caveat being that what he says should be true so as to not slander you

If my partner has hit me and I broke up with them, I'd be telling friends the story

I do belive they are together right now because he deleted his whats up account. Why would he delete the whole account which was used for communication with me mostly?

January 13

15 minutes ago, Sunshine005 said:

I do belive they are together right now because he deleted his whats up account. Why would he delete the whole account which was used for communication with me mostly?

If he only used the account for communication with you and you're now broken up, what reason would he have to keep it? And what relevance does any of this have to his friend?

January 13

21 minutes ago, basil67 said:

If he only used the account for communication with you and you're now broken up, what reason would he have to keep it? And what relevance does any of this have to his friend?

No friend I think they started relationship, so he is maybe afraid she will see our messages. He deleted it yesterdsy, after 20 days. It hurted me really bad that he cuts and deletes every way of comunication with me

Edited January 13 by Sunshine005

January 13

A man who is hiding his love relationship for 5 years because of his parents’ opinion is not a mature, reliable man. I don’t understand why you agreed to be subjected to this humiliation and stayed in this relationship for so long.

You’ve probably accumulated a lot of resentment during this time because of that, and it manifested itself in your suspicions, anger, and physical violence towards him. Be glad that this is over, find a man who can be fully committed to you, and please don’t be too suspicious, angry, or violent in your next relationship. These things can be dealbreakers regardless of the reason.

January 13

1 hour ago, Sunshine005 said:

No friend I think they started relationship, so he is maybe afraid she will see our messages. He deleted it yesterdsy, after 20 days. It hurted me really bad that he cuts and deletes every way of comunication with me

If he wanted the app but they have a relationship now and he's worrying about her seeing messages, he'd just delete the messages. However, as you are the only one he used the app with and he never wants to speak with you again, he has no reason to keep the app now.

As far as him cutting communication with you, do you know what we'd say if he'd written here about your temper and the slap? We'd tell him "break up with her and block her". There is nothing unusual about what he's doing.

Out of curiosity, would you be this jealous and untrusting if she wasn't beautiful? And what makes you think she wants to be with him?

Edited January 13 by basil67

January 13

4 hours ago, basil67 said:

If he wanted the app but they have a relationship now and he's worrying about her seeing messages, he'd just delete the messages. However, as you are the only one he used the app with and he never wants to speak with you again, he has no reason to keep the app now.

As far as him cutting communication with you, do you know what we'd say if he'd written here about your temper and the slap? We'd tell him "break up with her and block her". There is nothing unusual about what he's doing.

Out of curiosity, would you be this jealous and untrusting if she wasn't beautiful? And what makes you think she wants to be with him?

But he beeing with me for 5 years in secrer is something usual ??? And if he wanted not to speak to me he could have deleted the app as soon as we broke up not 20 days after. When we met je had a fb account with pics from ex girlfriend, but wasnt using it. I reacted to it, he deleted the whole account. No account of fb since than. And I said it is not about the slap, he was mostly hurt of calling his mom. I m jelous of her since last new year, seeing their communication in front of me, he was talking to her preety much.

January 13

25 minutes ago, Sunshine005 said:

But he beeing with me for 5 years in secrer is something usual ??? And if he wanted not to speak to me he could have deleted the app as soon as we broke up not 20 days after. When we met je had a fb account with pics from ex girlfriend, but wasnt using it. I reacted to it, he deleted the whole account. No account of fb since than. And I said it is not about the slap, he was mostly hurt of calling his mom. I m jelous of her since last new year, seeing their communication in front of me, he was talking to her preety much.

Yes, of course keeping you as secret from his family was odd. But you chose to stay, so that's on you.

Re the bolded, we now discover that on top of the violence and lies to his mother, you also caused drama because he had pics of an ex on FB? No wonder he's made sure to delete all contact with you.

The amount of time it took him to delete his WhatsApp is of no relevance. Zero. Nothing!

You really need some emotional help. Have you tried therapy? Learn how to make smart choices in a relationship, and how to avoid being abusive

Edited January 13 by basil67

January 13

14 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Yes, of course keeping you as secret from his family was odd. But you chose to stay, so that's on you.

Re the bolded, we now discover that on top of the violence and lies to his mother, you also caused drama because he had pics of an ex on FB? No wonder he's made sure to delete all contact with you.

The amount of time it took him to delete his WhatsApp is of no relevance. Zero. Nothing!

You really need some emotional help. Have you tried therapy? Learn how to make smart choices in a relationship, and how to avoid being abusive

His profile picture was with an ex girfriend, but dating with me. Isnt this odd man? And another thing he was hanging out a lot with one girl before me from the office, before and after she got married. When I asked him about her, and why he still in touch with her in secret, because never speaks to her in front of me, he had no answer. He opened the chat and only happy birthday was there. And i know thet were chatting all the time before.All others were deletedAlso other thing I found calls in his phone talking during Covid, when he was at home with one girl he liked before and he was chasing her. I was so upset and we broke up. But he begged me for weeks and I forgove him

January 13

8 minutes ago, Sunshine005 said:

His profile picture was with an ex girfriend, but dating with me. Isnt this odd man? And another thing he was hanging out a lot with one girl before me from the office, before and after she got married. When I asked him about her, and why he still in touch with her in secret, because never speaks to her in front of me, he had no answer. He opened the chat and only happy birthday was there. And i know thet were chatting all the time before.All others were deletedAlso other thing I found calls in his phone talking during Covid, when he was at home with one girl he liked before and he was chasing her. I was so upset and we broke up. But he begged me for weeks and I forgove him

Well it was stupid of you to stay with him, but it doesn't justify your abuse, lies and violence.

January 13

I just feel extremly upset, torn apart, hurting, dealing with sleepless nights. Now I m at work with no concentration, no desire for work. I started using sleeping pills, and I also developed anxiety issues and depression. I cant eat or sleep. I lost 5 kg in 20 days.

January 13

2 hours ago, Sunshine005 said:

But he beeing with me for 5 years in secrer is something usual ???

Of course not. But you were the one who chose to stay with him even though he was keeping your relationship in secret. Why didn’t you break up with him earlier?

My fiancée’s parents are very much against me, for multiple reasons. Yet I made it very clear to her that I don’t want our relationship to be a secret. She told her parents about me only a few months after we got together. Her parents still don’t accept me, but that’s another issue. My fiancée did what she had to do, and if she hadn’t done that it would have been a dealbreaker to me.

In the future, don’t enter relationships where you aren’t treated with respect. That way, hopefully you won’t be lashing out like you did. You should have broken up with your boyfriend, not hit him or be unreasonably jealous. Jealousy humiliates and degrades the jealous person themselves above all.

January 13

Physical violence is unforgivable in a relationship. When a 40 year old still loses their temper to the point of inflicting violence on someone this is who they are. I don't blame your ex one bit for deleting you from everything. Coupled with the lies and the abuse I wouldn't be surprised if he never speaks to you again and I don't blame him. You might try therapy to help you with your extreme jealousy before you even think of getting into another relationship. Why did you stick around for 5 years with a man who was hiding you? That should have told you how he feels about you.

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Very confused and extremly hurting

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