jerrygordon3 Posted January 12 Posted January 12 (edited) I have the most devoted, reliable, boss lady of a wife ever. We live in Bali. We’re opening a business together. But we were married 2 years ago. I’m a very emotionally tough person and she is seemingly non sexual. She says the reason she doesn’t initiate sex is cause she’s always been that way: sort of true… She also says why would she force sex if her needs aren’t being met : I’m not present and don’t plan dates and she feels like I don’t care about her interests, which I do but can see where she’s coming from . ( also somewhat true) however I feel like her love language may be emotional stuff and mine is physical. But she exists and doesn’t make the effort the same as I do. And if I don’t make the effort in the emotional, or physical then nothing gets accomplished. I feel like it’s supposed to be 50/50. And after every fight it’s me having to go over my mistakes and shortcomings to figure out how to be better for her. But I don’t feel like she tries to be better for me. Then a month goes by and the same blow up fight happens. Same fight. Same terms. Same result. And each time I say: I feel like I’ve been actively more emotionally available and actively listened to you. And she says: if that’s how you feel that’s a bad sign. my friends I feel like I just can’t crack this code, so the last month I’ve totally given up. I don’t try and sleep with her or kiss her or be physical in any way, and I also am not making any substantial effort build any emotional bridges either. But neither has she. Today- another blow up argument. I asked her if she had noticed I hadn’t tried to sleep with her and she said she did, and was thankful cause she was tired of feeling like she had to fulfill my physical needs when her emotional needs aren’t being met…. BUT SHE ISNT TRYING EITHER!!!! I swear this is why people just lose hope in love and stay single forever. I’m a man. I want to be a man and be the strong silent type and not get persecuted for not being emotionally intelligent and having this woman energy/ empathetic well of emotional energy at my disposal. I’ve always been an emotional tough guy. But I still support us and defend her and treat her with respect. I just am terrible at romance!!! I understand this but wth am I supposed to do…. Just let the relationship die while I rip out my hair trying to figure out how to stop letting her down, all the while never getting what I want ( physical / sexual/ cuddling) Edited January 12 by jerrygordon3 Misspelling
Gebidozo Posted January 12 Posted January 12 58 minutes ago, jerrygordon3 said: I swear this is why people just lose hope in love and stay single forever. I’m a man. I want to be a man and be the strong silent type and not get persecuted for not being emotionally intelligent and having this woman energy/ empathetic well of emotional energy at my disposal. I’ve always been an emotional tough guy. But I still support us and defend her and treat her with respect. I just am terrible at romance!!! I understand this but wth am I supposed to do…. Just let the relationship die while I rip out my hair trying to figure out how to stop letting her down, all the while never getting what I want ( physical / sexual/ cuddling) You appear to equate “man” with being “strong and silent”, and “woman” with “having a well of empathy and emotional energy”. This is a false generalization. Both men and women can be more or less emotional, silent or talkative, empathetic or not, romantic or not. This is not a gender issue. You are who you are, and your wife is who she is. She isn’t satisfied with your lack of romance, and you aren’t satisfied with her low sex drive. The question here is why did you get married in the first place? Surely these glaring incompatibilities had been known to both of you before you tied the knot? If you both are unwilling to change and compromise, and if you are unhappy to the point of losing hope in love (!), perhaps divorce would be a viable option here.
Author jerrygordon3 Posted January 12 Author Posted January 12 1 hour ago, Gebidozo said: You appear to equate “man” with being “strong and silent”, and “woman” with “having a well of empathy and emotional energy”. This is a false generalization. Both men and women can be more or less emotional, silent or talkative, empathetic or not, romantic or not. This is not a gender issue. You are who you are, and your wife is who she is. She isn’t satisfied with your lack of romance, and you aren’t satisfied with her low sex drive. The question here is why did you get married in the first place? Surely these glaring incompatibilities had been known to both of you before you tied the knot? If you both are unwilling to change and compromise, and if you are unhappy to the point of losing hope in love (!), perhaps divorce would be a viable option here. I love her for who she is and she loves me for who I am but it does feel like we are just friends most of the time. We love being together but it’s obvious something is missing and there is definitely resentment growing. After searching and searching for a way to fulfill her needs and feeling like I’m always falling short, it makes me worried that I’m just not good enough.
basil67 Posted January 12 Posted January 12 (edited) Edit: I just re-read the back history This has been a train wreck from the beginning. I don't know why you expected a happy, normal relationship to come out of it Edited January 12 by basil67
Gebidozo Posted January 13 Posted January 13 9 hours ago, jerrygordon3 said: I love her for who she is and she loves me for who I am but it does feel like we are just friends most of the time. We love being together but it’s obvious something is missing and there is definitely resentment growing. After searching and searching for a way to fulfill her needs and feeling like I’m always falling short, it makes me worried that I’m just not good enough. It’s not about you not being good enough. It’s about the two of you being incompatible. Being just friends is definitely not a good enough reason to stay in an essentially romantically and sexually loveless marriage. Growing resentment is just another big red flag that tells you to reconsider whether this is really the right relationship for you.
Els Posted January 13 Posted January 13 (edited) Yikes. If you think that empathy and emotional intimacy is "woman energy", why are you even in a relationship? Honest question. There are relationships that can be happy and healthy without sex - only a small number of people will be happy with such a relationship, true, but asexuals exist and therefore such relationships exist. But there is no such thing as a happy and healthy relationship with no empathy or emotional intimacy, because that is the very definition of a relationship. And yes, there are PLENTY of men out there who actually do have empathy, who can connect with their partner emotionally, and who put in the effort for romance. They're called happily married men. I've been with one of them for 16 years and counting (I'm the wife, just in case it wasn't obvious). In your case, is it possible that you married for practical reasons... Like your joint business? That's a bad reason to get married IMO, but if that's the reason, then you need to accept the fact that sexual intimacy might not happen. You have 2 options here. Either you start seeing a therapist to figure out the emotional mess that you're in (yes, you're very much an emotional mess, even if you don't view it as such). Or you separate and just have FWBs or sleep with sex workers, because clearly you don't seem to be willing to put in the emotional effort that's required for a real relationship. Edited January 13 by Els
Maldives Posted January 15 Posted January 15 (edited) Would you and your partner be open to couples therapy? If you're both open to it. I feel for you though something's being missed on both ends maybe a therapist can help. Maybe not. I remember when my marriage was coming apart when we both tried to communicate we just were not listening to each other. It was more about who was right and wrong we just couldn't hear each other. Edited January 15 by Maldives
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