My gf (18f) cried over ex fwb (18m) going to the navy: how do I get over this?

[Tybruh6678]

I would first like to start off by saying that I don’t want to break up with my girlfriend. I know a lot of people will just tell me to break up with her or that she’s settling for me but please hear me out on this situation.

Over the summer me(18m) and my girlfriend (18f) were out together and I realized she was sad about something. I asked her what was wrong and at first she didn’t want to tell me. I thought about what it could’ve been and remembered that she stated her ex fwb was going to the navy on the same day. I know that sounds crazy she told me that information but the only reason I knew was because I asked if she still stayed in contact with him.

I have a lot of retroactive jealousy so in our early stages I would constantly ask about her relationship with him out of jealousy (which is important later on). After thinking about this, I asked was that the reason she was sad. She finally confessed yes and started crying. I did not know what to do in this situation so I simply told her it’s ok and asked what about him going to the navy is making her cry? She expressed that she cries when anybody she knows or was once close with goes to the army because of the danger of the situation. She also said she didn’t want to tell me why she was sad at first because she didn’t want me to start overthinking but it was sadly already too late.

Even though she explained to me why she cried, my mind instantly started saying “she cried over him because she still wants him”. While this also happened months ago, the possibility that she cried because she still wanted him bothers me like crazy. I asked her was a reason why she cried because I constantly asked her questions about him during that time and she replied yes because it made her think about him going to the navy which triggered that reaction. It feels like that no matter what explanation she gives, my mind still tells me that it was because she still wanted him even though she’s the one who cut him off for me. I really just want to know how to get over this situation? I would also like to mention that there’s for sure another friend I know she cried over going to the military so it wasn’t just him.

[Gebidozo]

I don’t know what else makes you think that your GF might be “settling” for you, but her crying over something that’s been happening to her ex, on its own, has nothing to do with that.

She’s worried about someone she cares for as a person, that doesn’t mean that she wants him back as a romantic or sexual partner. I understand that it’s not a pleasant experience for you to see your girl cry because of something that’s happening to a guy she used to sleep with, but you’ll have to control your jealousy and get over it.

We aren’t machines and it’s normal that we have non-romantic feelings for exes and still care for some of them, on some level. She isn’t cheating on you or secretly wants her ex back. She has chosen you. Unless she’s been giving you some other reasons to think that her feelings for you are lacking, you should let it go.

[ShyViolet]

I don't think this is a reason to break up with her.  She is sad because someone she was previously involved with, someone she obviously cares about on some level, is going to the navy.  She is allowed to feel those feelings and it doesn't make her a bad person, and it doesn't mean that she isn't committed to you.  She can be sad about this friend leaving while at the same time accept that her involvement with him is over and that she is with you now.  Cut her some slack and don't obsess over this guy.  

[Tybruh6678]

1 hour ago, Gebidozo said:

I don’t know what else makes you think that your GF might be “settling” for you

Thanks for your reply. I honestly think the reason why I think she might be settling is because of the “advice” everyone has been giving me on this topic.

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Tybruh6678 said:

Thanks for your reply. I honestly think the reason why I think she might be settling is because of the “advice” everyone has been giving me on this topic.

Unless "everyone" you spoke to knows her well, they are only guessing.  Just like us

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, Tybruh6678 said:

Thanks for your reply. I honestly think the reason why I think she might be settling is because of the “advice” everyone has been giving me on this topic.

Well, if the information that “everyone” has is the same as what you gave us here on this forum, then I’d say it was a dumb advice.

The way I see it, “settling” is getting together with someone for practical, material reasons rather than due to romantic feelings, passion, desire, etc. If your GF spends too little time with you, doesn’t miss you, doesn’t look at you in that special way, never says anything romantic to you, is cold and detached in bed, and so on, then yes, I’d suspect that she might be settling for you.

But her past experiences and the fact she generally has feelings and cares about her exes have absolutely nothing to do with that. She can very well love you with her whole heart and still get upset or sad or melancholic over something connected to her exes.

I actually think that having good feelings for exes is a positive character trait. I’d be much more wary of people who constantly badmouth their exes. I think it’s great when you can remember your exes with gratitude and still care for them and wish them the best.

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, Tybruh6678 said:

Thanks for your reply. I honestly think the reason why I think she might be settling is because of the “advice” everyone has been giving me on this topic.

Who is "everyone" and what advice have they been giving you? 

[Gaeta]

It is normal to care for people we shared ourselves with in the past. It  just means we are caring human beings and are capable of a wide variety of feelings. I was talking to an ex yesterday, a man I broke up with 20 years ago. He is sick and his voice is weak, it made me feel really sad to hear him like this.  Of course I am not in love with him & I certainly do NOT want to be with him. I love my boyfriend like there is no tomorrow. 

[Tybruh6678]

I’m a 19-year-old guy, and I’ve been in a relationship with my girlfriend (19) for over a year now. Early in our relationship (about four months in), she shed a few tears when a male friend of hers, with whom she had a past purely sexual relationship, left to join the Navy. She told me it wasn’t about lingering feelings but rather about the situation—a friend going into a dangerous field.

 

She’s reassured me multiple times since then that it was situational, not about him, and that she doesn’t have any romantic feelings for him. She even cut him off early in our relationship out of respect for me. Despite her actions and reassurances, I can’t shake the feeling that her reaction meant more, and it’s been a lingering source of insecurity for me.

 

I’ve tried to work through it, but I keep wondering: Am I overthinking this, or is it a valid concern? Is it fair to consider breaking up over something that happened early in our relationship but still bothers me now? I really care about her, but I also don’t want to stay in a relationship if I can’t get past this.

 

I’d appreciate any advice or perspectives on whether this is something I can move past or if it’s a sign we’re not compatible.

[basil67]

She's done nothing wrong and you're massively overthinking this.   And if you can't let this go, you should break up - she deserves better

 

[Tybruh6678]

19 minutes ago, basil67 said:

She's done nothing wrong and you're massively overthinking this.   And if you can't let this go, you should break up - she deserves better

 

Any tips on how to stop overthinking this?

[Gaeta]

Why starting  new thread? You could feed your other thread with your thoughts and reply to our posts.

[Tybruh6678]

3 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Why starting  new thread? You could feed your other thread with your thoughts and reply to our posts.

Sorry, a lot of people weren’t replying on the other so I was hoping this one would get more traction.  I’ve worded this one a little differently with more details as well.