asking a woman to go to the gym with me so I can become more attracted to her. is this wrong?

May 29

On 5/15/2025 at 5:20 PM, zuzu420 said:

I would be ok being bald if it didn't mess up my face every time I shave.

You're doing it wrong.

May 29

I'm a guy in my early 30s and for various reasons which include taking forever to figure my life out, fear(maybe laziness? idk), as well as multiple mental health disorders I unfortunately have what is sometimes known as "failure to launch syndrome." Basically I still live with my parents and am extremely embarrassed by it. I just never moved out other than when I went to college.

Admittedly, I am not paying rent right now. I AM paying for my mental health as well as medical bills etc. I am also paying for college grad school courses.

I need honest opinions and feedback. Am I wasting my time asking women out? Does it look any better on my end that I'm paying for grad school and slowly trying to better my life?

Quite honestly I don't even know if I'm sticking with this college program (which is public health btw). This is largely due to salary concerns.

I'm aware this will probably be a dealbreaker to most women and am worried I'll be lonely for a lot longer. I can't put a number on when I'm moving out but in the US there's a bad stigma to living with parents and I also live in New York City where it's really expensive.

I sometimes hear that living with your parents may or may not be an issue depending on WHAT the reason is and I guess I have both good and bad reasons.

I did end up going on a date with a girl from the hinge dating app. She gave it some thought and then ended up going on a date with me to then tell me she wasn't feeling the chemistry. Never really know what that means but she did seem to recognize the fact that I was trying to change my situation.

I never had a girlfriend or a successful sex life for reasons both related to meds as well as the fact that the only women who wanted to hook up with me I was not attracted to(due to their weight...not trying to body shame but I couldn't preform with them). And this is something I would like to experience while I'm working on myself. I've been told that "nobody wants a project" but I really don't wanna have to wait until I'm in my 50s.

It's hard seeing all my friends who are making middle class salaries and have happy relationships while I struggle. Every good paying job requires years of experience I don't have and I'm hoping a master's degree might help despite all the negativity I hear. Still think I should have gone for a trade or union job but my friend kinda talked me out of it and insisted I pursue this program. I had a physical activity and wellness degree which is marginally related.

Sucks to know that I don't have many professional options. Wish I could go back in time and start over again. I have a therapist also and he thinks I should at least try to pursue women and explain to them that I'm rebuilding my life. I realize I'm not much of a catch and that women would probably be lowering their standards for me.

Edited May 29 by zuzu420

May 29

Do you have any women friends? They would tell you that being bald is no problem for a man finding a great woman. This is just your insecurity.

How about going to therapy to work on your confidence and social skills. You are SO wildly wrong.

May 29

4 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Do you have any women friends? They would tell you that being bald is no problem for a man finding a great woman. This is just your insecurity.

How about going to therapy to work on your confidence and social skills. You are SO wildly wrong.

I would feel better at being bald if shaving didn't affect my skin.

May 29

Then go to a dermatologist. They treat skin issues of all kinds. I had an auto-immune reaction that created these random bald spots. BTW: not a single person has noticed them other than me and my barber.

And dermatologist are totally attuned to the desire of people to look good, look attraction.

Schedule and go. There are a bunch of creams and ointments I am sure they can prescribe or recommend. The benefit of going to the dermatologist is that you can systematically try out a bunch of these ointments and creams.

Edited May 29 by Lotsgoingon

May 29

3 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Then go to a dermatologist. They treat skin issues of all kinds. I had an auto-immune reaction that created these random bald spots. BTW: not a single person has noticed them other than me and my barber.

And dermatologist are totally attuned to the desire of people to look good, look attraction.

Schedule and go. There are a bunch of creams and ointments I am sure they can prescribe or recommend. The benefit of going to the dermatologist is that you can systematically try out a bunch of these ointments and creams.

one dermatologist told me it was rosacea and prescribed me epsolay which made my face more red. Maybe I didn't give it enough of a chance. My skin heals once I wait a few days from shaving but once I shave again the redness comes back.

May 29

Then you go back and say it didn't work and you ask for another treatment. And you go to a better dermatologist.

May 29

59 minutes ago, zuzu420 said:

Every good paying job requires years of experience I don't have and I'm hoping a master's degree might help despite all the negativity I hear.

The thing which will help you get a professional role is previous work experience. Get a job. Any job. You need to be able to demonstrate a good work ethic and have good references. There's no way I'd hire someone who had a Masters degree but had no prior work experience or references.

I suggest that you start at your local supermarket

May 29

18 minutes ago, zuzu420 said:

I would feel better at being bald if shaving didn't affect my skin.

So quick shaving. Use a #1 clipper

May 30

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

The thing which will help you get a professional role is previous work experience. Get a job. Any job. You need to be able to demonstrate a good work ethic and have good references. There's no way I'd hire someone who had a Masters degree but had no prior work experience or references.

I suggest that you start at your local supermarket

I forgot to mention that I have a job but am only paid 24 dollars and change an hour.

May 30

It’s not about how much you get paid, it’s about loving your job and trying to be as good as you can at it.

Like I told you in your other thread, women like men who are passionate about what they do.

May 30

No way shaving your head makes your face red, at least not directly.

You must get stressed out or something when you shave your head maybe because its a reminder of your hair loss and that's what causes the redness.

May 30

It's not just in the US. In practically all countries, you are expected to be independent by that age, and it's completely understandable that people will not want to date someone who isn't. This includes countries where people typically live with their parents before they get married - in those countries people get married young, and there will still be stigma attached to a 33yo man who lives with his parents.

That isn't to say that there is no hope - you just need to focus on finishing grad school and getting a job and moving out, and then start dating.

Re: the grad school thing, I'm not sure if I understand. Generally speaking, grad school in the US pays you a stipend, if I'm not mistaken? It's not enough to get a house of your own, but lots of PhD students just get roommates (who are usually fellow PhD students). While the consensus on men in their 30s with roommates is probably a mixed bag, it's something that many people can understand in the current economic climate, and definitely WAY more appealing than a man who lives with his parents.

Edited May 30 by Els

May 30

4 hours ago, Els said:

It's not just in the US. In practically all countries, you are expected to be independent by that age, and it's completely understandable that people will not want to date someone who isn't. This includes countries where people typically live with their parents before they get married - in those countries people get married young, and there will still be stigma attached to a 33yo man who lives with his parents.

That isn't to say that there is no hope - you just need to focus on finishing grad school and getting a job and moving out, and then start dating.

Re: the grad school thing, I'm not sure if I understand. Generally speaking, grad school in the US pays you a stipend, if I'm not mistaken? It's not enough to get a house of your own, but lots of PhD students just get roommates (who are usually fellow PhD students). While the consensus on men in their 30s with roommates is probably a mixed bag, it's something that many people can understand in the current economic climate, and definitely WAY more appealing than a man who lives with his parents.

I hope I can still date before I move out.

May 30

5 hours ago, Els said:

It's not just in the US. In practically all countries, you are expected to be independent by that age, and it's completely understandable that people will not want to date someone who isn't. This includes countries where people typically live with their parents before they get married - in those countries people get married young, and there will still be stigma attached to a 33yo man who lives with his parents.

That isn't to say that there is no hope - you just need to focus on finishing grad school and getting a job and moving out, and then start dating.

Re: the grad school thing, I'm not sure if I understand. Generally speaking, grad school in the US pays you a stipend, if I'm not mistaken? It's not enough to get a house of your own, but lots of PhD students just get roommates (who are usually fellow PhD students). While the consensus on men in their 30s with roommates is probably a mixed bag, it's something that many people can understand in the current economic climate, and definitely WAY more appealing than a man who lives with his parents.

I don't think you always get a stipend. And my friends from other countries say it's normal to live with parents as adults. It doesn't sound like all countries have the same stigma as the US.

May 30

First of all… NO, you’re NOT wasting your time asking women out. You’re out here doing the WORK. Grad school?? Therapy?? Trying to better yourself?? That’s not failure that’s effort, that’s growth, and that’s brave as hell

Yeah, living with your parents might feel embarrassing, but let’s be real . NYC is insane when it comes to rent, and honestly SO MANY people are in the same boat. Doesn’t mean you're behind, just means you’re surviving in a brutal economy while trying to get your life on track. That’s respectable, man. Like REALLY.

Also, that “nobody wants a project” line? Nah. The right person won’t see you as a project - they’ll see you as someone with a story, someone who’s fighting through real stuff and still showing up. That’s WAY more attractive than fake perfection.

And trust me… a lot of us wish we could go back and pick another path. You're not alone there. But you’re HERE now, trying to move forward. That’s what matters.

So yeah, don’t give up. You’ve got something real to offer. Keep showing up, keep being honest, and don’t sell yourself short. You're not some charity case - you're a damn human being doing your best, and that deserves love too.

May 30

3 hours ago, zuzu420 said:

I don't think you always get a stipend. And my friends from other countries say it's normal to live with parents as adults. It doesn't sound like all countries have the same stigma as the US.

I don’t think the problem is living with parents, it’s more about the general sense of independence and purpose in life. You seem insecure and confused about what you want to do in life. That is the first thing to figure out, to build a life for yourself, consisting of a profession that you like, hobbies, and other interests that fill your life without making you feel lonely or needy.

Remember, it’s the general feeling of independence, purpose, passion, and self-sufficiency that attracts women.

May 30

19 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

I don’t think the problem is living with parents, it’s more about the general sense of independence and purpose in life. You seem insecure and confused about what you want to do in life. That is the first thing to figure out, to build a life for yourself, consisting of a profession that you like, hobbies, and other interests that fill your life without making you feel lonely or needy.

Remember, it’s the general feeling of independence, purpose, passion, and self-sufficiency that attracts women.

yea I still don't know. it's hard to know when it's nearly impossible to get hired for jobs in the first place. been trying to figure it out for years.

May 30

7 hours ago, Bettyyyyy said:

First of all… NO, you’re NOT wasting your time asking women out. You’re out here doing the WORK. Grad school?? Therapy?? Trying to better yourself?? That’s not failure that’s effort, that’s growth, and that’s brave as hell

Yeah, living with your parents might feel embarrassing, but let’s be real . NYC is insane when it comes to rent, and honestly SO MANY people are in the same boat. Doesn’t mean you're behind, just means you’re surviving in a brutal economy while trying to get your life on track. That’s respectable, man. Like REALLY.

Also, that “nobody wants a project” line? Nah. The right person won’t see you as a project - they’ll see you as someone with a story, someone who’s fighting through real stuff and still showing up. That’s WAY more attractive than fake perfection.

And trust me… a lot of us wish we could go back and pick another path. You're not alone there. But you’re HERE now, trying to move forward. That’s what matters.

So yeah, don’t give up. You’ve got something real to offer. Keep showing up, keep being honest, and don’t sell yourself short. You're not some charity case - you're a damn human being doing your best, and that deserves love too.

This means a lot to me thank you

May 30

Yes its not easy,

You need to find a woman who is not too hard pleased,

or one who needs something from you- is a bit emotionally unstable or whatever and will be glad to have someone,

the likes of @Els there I suppose reflect the modern world- they expect guys to conform to societal norms and all that and they have no tolerance for underachievers,

yes keep plugging away though and have a look for those ladies that need a helping hand or are a bit awkward themselves.

otherwise you could put a positive spin in it- that you are saving to buy a house or that parents need help as they are getting older or whatever- if you are putting yourself down excessively your making the problem bigger again.

May 30

41 minutes ago, Foxhall said:

the likes of @Els there I suppose reflect the modern world- they expect guys to conform to societal norms and all that and they have no tolerance for underachievers,

This isn't "modern world" stuff. Go back in history (at least Western history) and you'll find that marriage was mutually beneficial. She got a roof over her head and babies. He got someone who would keep house for him. If a guy couldn't work then he couldn't provide, and therefore, wasn't marriage material. Of course it also happened that destitute men and women married each other, but I guess neither was in a position of having much choice of partner.

These days women are now more able to support a man. I know two couples where he has mental health issues and runs the house while she works and brings in the money. Granted, they both met organically. I can't imagine that OLD is going to work for anyone (male or female) who doesn't fit the status quo

Edited May 30 by basil67

May 31

3 hours ago, basil67 said:

This isn't "modern world" stuff. Go back in history (at least Western history) and you'll find that marriage was mutually beneficial. She got a roof over her head and babies. He got someone who would keep house for him. If a guy couldn't work then he couldn't provide, and therefore, wasn't marriage material. Of course it also happened that destitute men and women married each other, but I guess neither was in a position of having much choice of partner.

These days women are now more able to support a man. I know two couples where he has mental health issues and runs the house while she works and brings in the money. Granted, they both met organically. I can't imagine that OLD is going to work for anyone (male or female) who doesn't fit the status quo

does OLD mean online dating or offline dating?

May 31

1 hour ago, zuzu420 said:

does OLD mean online dating or offline dating?

Online dating

May 31

18 hours ago, zuzu420 said:

I don't think you always get a stipend. And my friends from other countries say it's normal to live with parents as adults. It doesn't sound like all countries have the same stigma as the US.

I'm from one of the countries where it's normal to live with your parents until you get married. But like I said, it's not normal in those countries to be unmarried at 33, and very much NOT normal or acceptable to not be working full-time at 33, especially for a man (yes, those countries tend to have very restrictive gender roles). So either way there is going to be stigma.

What are your plans for after your graduate degree? If it's a Masters, it only takes 1-2 years, right? So either way it looks like moving out should be doable quite soon? Why are you so resistant to waiting 1-2 years to get your life in order before dating? If you meet someone organically then sure it could happen, but if you're spending a lot of time on dating apps then you're wasting time IMO.

7 hours ago, Foxhall said:

or one who needs something from you- is a bit emotionally unstable or whatever and will be glad to have someone,

the likes of @Els there I suppose reflect the modern world- they expect guys to conform to societal norms and all that and they have no tolerance for underachievers,

LOL, expecting a man to be able to support himself is certainly "modern world", I agree with you. Because in the traditional world, men are expected to not just support themselves, but their entire family!

I'm not sure how you think you're being helpful by telling the OP that he should just coast along, live with his parents, and date "emotionally unstable" women?! How is that supposed to benefit him in any way??? Rather than picking himself up and moving forward, you're saying that he should just invite drama and unhealthy behaviour in? That's frankly just bizarre.

Being a self-sufficient adult has nothing whatsoever to do with societal norms.

May 31

12 hours ago, Els said:

I'm from one of the countries where it's normal to live with your parents until you get married. But like I said, it's not normal in those countries to be unmarried at 33, and very much NOT normal or acceptable to not be working full-time at 33, especially for a man (yes, those countries tend to have very restrictive gender roles). So either way there is going to be stigma.

What are your plans for after your graduate degree? If it's a Masters, it only takes 1-2 years, right? So either way it looks like moving out should be doable quite soon? Why are you so resistant to waiting 1-2 years to get your life in order before dating? If you meet someone organically then sure it could happen, but if you're spending a lot of time on dating apps then you're wasting time IMO.

LOL, expecting a man to be able to support himself is certainly "modern world", I agree with you. Because in the traditional world, men are expected to not just support themselves, but their entire family!

I'm not sure how you think you're being helpful by telling the OP that he should just coast along, live with his parents, and date "emotionally unstable" women?! How is that supposed to benefit him in any way??? Rather than picking himself up and moving forward, you're saying that he should just invite drama and unhealthy behaviour in? That's frankly just bizarre.

Being a self-sufficient adult has nothing whatsoever to do with societal norms.

I meant to add that I already am working full time which is why it would be taking me more than two years to graduate and I don't know exactly what I'm using my degree for if I continue the program. I'm hoping the career counselor can help. I just hope it's something I can tolerate that pays well. I don't wanna start my life over by going back to undergrad so my options are limited unfortunately.

I would be less worried if I was able yo graduate grad school within 2 years. I just don't know what else to do with my life at this rate.

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asking a woman to go to the gym with me so I can become more attracted to her. is this wrong?

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