asking a woman to go to the gym with me so I can become more attracted to her. is this wrong?

[enterthevoid]

I would've said "All good.  What other days are you free?".

If she doesn't give a clear answer, wait a few days, ask once more if she's still interested in meeting, but if you still don't get a hard-yes, just move on.

 

 

Edited May 12 by enterthevoid

[zuzu420]

she hasnt responded. guess she found someone better looking 

[Georgia46]

50 minutes ago, zuzu420 said:

she hasnt responded. guess she found someone better looking 

Did you message her again? 

[zuzu420]

20 hours ago, Georgia46 said:

Did you message her again? 

would it look desperate of me if I did before she messaged me back?

[Georgia46]

5 hours ago, zuzu420 said:

would it look desperate of me if I did before she messaged me back?

Depends on the girl.  Wouldn’t bother me, I love a text.    
 

so has she answered about going on a date? 

[zuzu420]

34 minutes ago, Georgia46 said:

Depends on the girl.  Wouldn’t bother me, I love a text.    
 

so has she answered about going on a date? 

I ended up asking her how her visit with her family was and she said she didn't end up seeing them and I asked her if she ended up having a change of plans. I'm not sure what to think. I haven't mentioned a date again yet.

[basil67]

Sounds to me like she either wants you to chase - or has no interest.    If you're up for chasing, you could give it a try - but I think it's far more sensible to date a woman who works with you in making things happen

[zuzu420]

17 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Sounds to me like she either wants you to chase - or has no interest.    If you're up for chasing, you could give it a try - but I think it's far more sensible to date a woman who works with you in making things happen

why do women do the first one

[basil67]

16 minutes ago, zuzu420 said:

why do women do the first one

Dunno.  I'm not that kind of woman

[fred123]

On 5/10/2025 at 6:43 PM, Georgia46 said:

Yesss im a woman. 
 

oops sorry Fred for my *awful* advice. 
 

she could be not interested, but she could of been telling the truth… so I wouldn’t jump to conclusions off the bat. 
 

your gut is 90% right , agreed, but hmmmm nothing to lose either way. 

If she was telling the truth and she's interested and she's not 12 years old she could have said "hey I csnt Sunday but how about...? 

[zuzu420]

4 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Dunno.  I'm not that kind of woman

lmao fair 

[zuzu420]

not sure if I'm looking for advice or to vent. maybe both. might post this in a few sections because I don't know where to put it

my confidence with women has always been s***. in high-school I didn't know how to dress. in college I had acne plus sexual side effects from antidepressants.

now I'm in my early 30s and have less hair on my head than ever. I tried finesteride which might also be giving me sexual side effects. I've tried accepting going bald  but my skin is awful and no matter what methods I try I break out in razor burn.

I honestly just feel like a victim. apparently my standards for women are too high and I only seem to attract overweight women or women(not that theres anything wrong with being overweight) im not attracted to. at this point I'm wondering if I should just try and dare someone I'm not attracted to because apparently attraction "builds over time." 

what does a guy like me who can barely put on muscle, and can't look good to save his life supposed to do? it seems as if I'm just not allowed to look good or be confident. I swipe on apps all day, get a date with a girl I find attractive on very rare occasions and it never goes anywhere. otherwise I'd try in person but the women I'm after usually want a guy who's taller than me, has a better job etc.

my therapist says the only way I'll be confident is accepting the way I am now...

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, zuzu420 said:

my confidence with women has always been s***. in high-school I didn't know how to dress.

There is your first mistake, assuming that confidence comes from some such superficial attributes.

I’m one of the worst dressers known to mankind. People literally mock my total indifference to what I wear and my appalling taste in clothes. I also used to have acne. I have no muscles to speak of. That never prevented me from being confident with women.

My brother has been bald since he was in his early 30’s. He has never had any problems being confident with women and attract those women that he was attracted to.

If a woman rejects you only because you’re a bad dresser, or because you’re bald, or because you have acne, or for any such superficial reason, she’s not worth pursuing romantically anyway. 

 

2 hours ago, zuzu420 said:

I honestly just feel like a victim.

Another big mistake. Victim mentality is one of the worst traits a human being can possess. It is a giant romantic turn-off. Self-pity is incredibly self-destructive and undermines any chance of true success. Find a good therapist and do everything in your power to get that poison out of your system.

 

2 hours ago, zuzu420 said:

at this point I'm wondering if I should just try and dare someone I'm not attracted to because apparently attraction "builds over time." 

No, you shouldn’t do that. If you’re not attracted to a woman, “daring”  her when she is attracted to you would be an unethical action.

Instead, perhaps you might try to reconsider what you define as “attraction”. There are many threads on this forum where men voice the same complaints as you do, and then it turns out that they are only “attracted” to superficial visual traits. Attraction isn’t just in the mind, it’s also in the body and in the spirit. Seek someone with whom you begin to feel mutual chemistry, a physical sympathy of sorts, and build upon that.

 

2 hours ago, zuzu420 said:

my therapist says the only way I'll be confident is accepting the way I am now...

Sorry, but I disagree. Your victim mentality and your current inability to understand that confidence comes from within and not from the way you look mean that you still have ways to go.

Your first priority should be your spiritual and mental development. Please stop “swiping” on those terrible online apps, and best stop trying to date for now in general. You are not in the right mental state yet. Your self-pity and your insecurity repel women instantly, they feel those vibes and are put off.

Once you are in a state of mind fully free of victim mentality and raging insecurity, ask yourself the following questions: what are your truly attractive traits, those that normal, mature women find desirable?

Are you honest, sincere, and vulnerable? Are you kind , compassionate, and generous? Are you passionate and romantic? Are you understanding, open-minded, non-judgmental, and supportive? Are you fun to be around, easy to be with? Are you interested in spiritual and intellectual life? Are you good at what you do? Do you have passion for your job? Do you have many interests and hobbies? Are you cute and funny, can you make people smile and laugh?

As you see, none of those have anything to do with what you look like. Start working on those, they are a much, much higher priority than your looks.

 

 

[Georgia46]

9 hours ago, zuzu420 said:

I ended up asking her how her visit with her family was and she said she didn't end up seeing them and I asked her if she ended up having a change of plans. I'm not sure what to think. I haven't mentioned a date again yet.

Well it depends how that convo went really…  if you’ve had a chat with her and  it’s been left.. maybe just let it be and see if she gets in touch with you again.     If not, there’s your answer. 

[Georgia46]

8 hours ago, fred123 said:

If she was telling the truth and she's interested and she's not 12 years old she could have said "hey I csnt Sunday but how about...? 

She could, but it takes all sorts.    

[zuzu420]

8 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

There is your first mistake, assuming that confidence comes from some such superficial attributes.

I’m one of the worst dressers known to mankind. People literally mock my total indifference to what I wear and my appalling taste in clothes. I also used to have acne. I have no muscles to speak of. That never prevented me from being confident with women.

My brother has been bald since he was in his early 30’s. He has never had any problems being confident with women and attract those women that he was attracted to.

If a woman rejects you only because you’re a bad dresser, or because you’re bald, or because you have acne, or for any such superficial reason, she’s not worth pursuing romantically anyway. 

 

Another big mistake. Victim mentality is one of the worst traits a human being can possess. It is a giant romantic turn-off. Self-pity is incredibly self-destructive and undermines any chance of true success. Find a good therapist and do everything in your power to get that poison out of your system.

 

No, you shouldn’t do that. If you’re not attracted to a woman, “daring”  her when she is attracted to you would be an unethical action.

Instead, perhaps you might try to reconsider what you define as “attraction”. There are many threads on this forum where men voice the same complaints as you do, and then it turns out that they are only “attracted” to superficial visual traits. Attraction isn’t just in the mind, it’s also in the body and in the spirit. Seek someone with whom you begin to feel mutual chemistry, a physical sympathy of sorts, and build upon that.

 

Sorry, but I disagree. Your victim mentality and your current inability to understand that confidence comes from within and not from the way you look mean that you still have ways to go.

Your first priority should be your spiritual and mental development. Please stop “swiping” on those terrible online apps, and best stop trying to date for now in general. You are not in the right mental state yet. Your self-pity and your insecurity repel women instantly, they feel those vibes and are put off.

Once you are in a state of mind fully free of victim mentality and raging insecurity, ask yourself the following questions: what are your truly attractive traits, those that normal, mature women find desirable?

Are you honest, sincere, and vulnerable? Are you kind , compassionate, and generous? Are you passionate and romantic? Are you understanding, open-minded, non-judgmental, and supportive? Are you fun to be around, easy to be with? Are you interested in spiritual and intellectual life? Are you good at what you do? Do you have passion for your job? Do you have many interests and hobbies? Are you cute and funny, can you make people smile and laugh?

As you see, none of those have anything to do with what you look like. Start working on those, they are a much, much higher priority than your looks.

 

 

I would be ok being bald if it didn't mess up my face every time I shave.

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, zuzu420 said:

I would be ok being bald if it didn't mess up my face every time I shave.

I don’t understand the connection between being bald and shaving your face.

You mean shaving your head? Your skull?

If you mess it up every time, just let a barber do it.

[zuzu420]

1 hour ago, Gebidozo said:

I don’t understand the connection between being bald and shaving your face.

You mean shaving your head? Your skull?

If you mess it up every time, just let a barber do it.

I know it's confusing. when I shave my head my face breaks out.

[zuzu420]

Been texting this girl who I matched with on an app. I'm 33 and she's 41. She asked me if I lived alone and was honest and told her that I'm living with parents at the moment and am paying for college which is true. Did I mess up by telling her this too soon? I hate revealing this stuff right away. The honest truth is that I never actually moved out and only lived away from them in college.

This has been my biggest insecurity and I've honestly unmatched women from apps in the past in fear of judgment. Should I not be dating until I move out? Need honest feedback.

[ShyViolet]

Well what's the alternative, to lie?  I sincerely hope you are not considering lying about your living situation to potential dating partners.  Misrepresenting yourself and lying to dating partners is not OK.  If someone directly asks you who you live with, all you can do is answer it honestly.

And yes, at this age it is going to scare a lot of people away.   So it would be in your best interests to start working on getting your own place asap.

[zuzu420]

Just now, ShyViolet said:

Well what's the alternative, to lie?  I sincerely hope you are not considering lying about your living situation to potential dating partners.  Misrepresenting yourself and lying to dating partners is not OK.  If someone directly asks you who you live with, all you can do is answer it honestly.

And yes, at this age it is going to scare a lot of people away.   So it would be in your best interests to start working on getting your own place asap.

I figured. I'm pursuing a masters right now but the salaries tend to vary. All I have is years of entry level experience. My biggest fear is not being able to afford to live alone until my 40s and that I'm going to have to be lonely and miserable until then.

[ShyViolet]

So then get a roommate.  There's nothing wrong with that and it doesn't carry the stigma that living with one's parents in your 30s does.

[zuzu420]

1 minute ago, ShyViolet said:

So then get a roommate.  There's nothing wrong with that and it doesn't carry the stigma that living with one's parents in your 30s does.

I would be living check to check with the salary I have now unfortunately and would probably need to drop out of the program.

[ShyViolet]

Well I think finishing school is more important than dating, so don't drop out of school just because of this.

My main point is, whatever you do, it's not ok to lie to dating partners about basic facts about yourself such as your living situation.  So I hope you're not considering doing that.  If the fact that you still live with your parents greatly shrinks your dating pool, then so be it.

[zuzu420]

I need success stories. Are there guys here living in the United States who still live at home with their parents and are in their 30s? Foe various reasons I still live with them. I work but it doesn't make me enough money to live on my own while paying for school.