basil67 Posted June 3 Posted June 3 1 hour ago, zuzu420 said: I'm just wondering if these women would still find me attractive and want to sleep with me if they were sober. idk if it's just beer goggles but maybe some of it is real attraction. If they aren't proactive about seeing you again, then they aren't attracted to you. It's no different to how you sleep with women you'd never date
BaileyB Posted June 3 Posted June 3 2 hours ago, zuzu420 said: why can't I avoid feeling hurt each time a situation with a woman didn't work out.... Why would you not feel hurt when a dating situation doesn’t work out - is that not a normal human experience? It’s how you manage the hurt that makes the difference. Do you feel disappointed/sad for a few days and then dust yourself off, get back out there and find something fun to do or someone else to date? Or, do you take the “rejection” as a character flaw and use it as a reason to throw a pity party - “Why does it never work out for me? What’s wrong with me? This proves that I am unworthy and that I will never find a relationship?” If the answer is the first - you are human and you have a good perspective on life/healthy self esteem. If the answer is the second, you have some work to do…
BaileyB Posted June 3 Posted June 3 18 minutes ago, BaileyB said: Why would you not feel hurt when a dating situation doesn’t work out - is that not a normal human experience? Maybe a better word is disappointed.
zuzu420 Posted June 3 Posted June 3 1 hour ago, BaileyB said: Why would you not feel hurt when a dating situation doesn’t work out - is that not a normal human experience? It’s how you manage the hurt that makes the difference. Do you feel disappointed/sad for a few days and then dust yourself off, get back out there and find something fun to do or someone else to date? Or, do you take the “rejection” as a character flaw and use it as a reason to throw a pity party - “Why does it never work out for me? What’s wrong with me? This proves that I am unworthy and that I will never find a relationship?” If the answer is the first - you are human and you have a good perspective on life/healthy self esteem. If the answer is the second, you have some work to do… True but I've been trying for at least two decades now. unless I'm not doing it often enough. I really don't know.
zuzu420 Posted June 3 Posted June 3 I honestly feel extremely misled also. as if she just completely used me for her own satisfaction and nothing more. That can't all just be alcohol.
zuzu420 Posted June 3 Posted June 3 (edited) 1 hour ago, basil67 said: If they aren't proactive about seeing you again, then they aren't attracted to you. It's no different to how you sleep with women you'd never date Why would she keep telling me that she wanted me to come back when I said I had to leave? this doesn't seem like normal behavior to me. I feel like that whole thing was just to use me. she was clinging on to me like crazy. I don't think that was just alcohol talking. but maybe it's cuz she's in her mid 20s so I'm expecting too much maturity out of her. It's not quite the same thing as me sleeping with women I wouldn't want to date. I was not clinging to them like that. I also didn't beg those women like she did. Edited June 3 by zuzu420
Gebidozo Posted June 4 Posted June 4 6 hours ago, zuzu420 said: It's physical appearance and the fact that I'm still living with my parents at 33 although I'm trying to work to get out of that by continuing my education. Okay, if you don’t even want to acknowledge what I’m telling you as possible truth and continue to ignore it completely, I won’t be giving you advices anymore.
zuzu420 Posted June 4 Posted June 4 3 minutes ago, Gebidozo said: Okay, if you don’t even want to acknowledge what I’m telling you as possible truth and continue to ignore it completely, I won’t be giving you advices anymore. I'm sorry. maybe you're right. I was just really hurt today. I'm a bit calmer after my therapy session.
Gebidozo Posted June 4 Posted June 4 Just now, zuzu420 said: I'm sorry. maybe you're right. I was just really hurt today. I'm a bit calmer after my therapy session. You don’t need to say sorry to me, I just think it’s a pity that you keep obsessing yourself with unimportant things like what kind of hair you have and whom you share your house with, when clearly there are much, much bigger issues here that you need to attend as soon as possible. You have a very low self-esteem, you constantly compare yourself to others, you worry about unnecessary things, you demonstrate envy and self-pity, and you say awful things such as “I hate my life”. Start fixing those things first. Once you become confident, fall in love with your life, and be free of envy and self-pity, see if anything changes in your experiences with women.
zuzu420 Posted June 4 Posted June 4 5 minutes ago, Gebidozo said: You don’t need to say sorry to me, I just think it’s a pity that you keep obsessing yourself with unimportant things like what kind of hair you have and whom you share your house with, when clearly there are much, much bigger issues here that you need to attend as soon as possible. You have a very low self-esteem, you constantly compare yourself to others, you worry about unnecessary things, you demonstrate envy and self-pity, and you say awful things such as “I hate my life”. Start fixing those things first. Once you become confident, fall in love with your life, and be free of envy and self-pity, see if anything changes in your experiences with women. I really hope my experience changes. I also hope this hurt that I feel every time because easier and more temporary.
Gebidozo Posted June 4 Posted June 4 8 hours ago, FredEire said: But I do think there's a bit of an attitude on here that physical attraction doesn't play a role at all. If a guy such as the OP finds the only women who attracted to him are girls where the physical attraction level is pretty much 0, just suck it up man, that's your "league". Physical attraction plays a huge role, but it builds over time and must be mutual. It is impossible to be constantly attracted to women who aren’t attracted to you. It’s not real attraction then, but a brain construct not rooted in reality. If someone still cares about “leagues” and annoyed at the fact that other guys are “getting” those women who aren’t in theirs, then it’s a problem of his self-esteem and ability to correctly discern and develop attraction with women of his “league”. Being in your “league” is not “sucking it up”, it’s simply learning to develop real, mutual attraction with people who have the potential of finding you attractive.
zuzu420 Posted June 4 Posted June 4 5 minutes ago, Gebidozo said: Physical attraction plays a huge role, but it builds over time and must be mutual. It is impossible to be constantly attracted to women who aren’t attracted to you. It’s not real attraction then, but a brain construct not rooted in reality. If someone still cares about “leagues” and annoyed at the fact that other guys are “getting” those women who aren’t in theirs, then it’s a problem of his self-esteem and ability to correctly discern and develop attraction with women of his “league”. Being in your “league” is not “sucking it up”, it’s simply learning to develop real, mutual attraction with people who have the potential of finding you attractive. I'm hoping he's wrong. I refuse to believe that the only women that are available to me are the ones I'm not attracted to.
ShyViolet Posted June 4 Posted June 4 2 hours ago, zuzu420 said: Why would she keep telling me that she wanted me to come back when I said I had to leave? this doesn't seem like normal behavior to me. I feel like that whole thing was just to use me. It sounds like she is not a very mentally/emotionally healthy person and probably has a lot of issues of her own. She sounds immature, impulsive and maybe has an alcohol problem. Not exactly someone who is in a position to make good decisions. I think you're expecting too much of her.
Gebidozo Posted June 4 Posted June 4 6 minutes ago, zuzu420 said: I'm hoping he's wrong. I refuse to believe that the only women that are available to me are the ones I'm not attracted to. Who is wrong? Nobody said that the only women “available” to you are the ones you’re not attracted to. I was actually saying the very opposite, that attraction is always mutual. I keep emphasizing that and yet you never seem to understand this basic concept.
BaileyB Posted June 4 Posted June 4 2 hours ago, zuzu420 said: Why would she keep telling me that she wanted me to come back when I said I had to leave? this doesn't seem like normal behavior to me. She was drunk - so drunk that she can’t remember how she got home. People don’t reason normally when they are this drunk… 2 hours ago, zuzu420 said: I honestly feel extremely misled also. as if she just completely used me for her own satisfaction and nothing more. That can't all just be alcohol. It can be just the alcohol. Yes, she was very likely attempting to use you for her own satisfaction - but that is what people do when they are heavily influenced by alcohol. Whatever feels good in that moment. She was not assessing your worth as a relationship partner. She was not considering whether she would be interested in dating you in the future… She was in the here and now and not thinking logically or reasonably… that’s all. 1
Sanch62 Posted June 4 Posted June 4 22 hours ago, zuzu420 said: I got sexual side effects from the hairloss pills. What kind of pills? There are different kinds of hair loss treatments. Explore those avenues.
zuzu420 Posted June 4 Posted June 4 3 minutes ago, BaileyB said: She was drunk - so drunk that she can’t remember how she got home. People don’t reason normally when they are this drunk… It can be just the alcohol. Yes, she was very likely attempting to use you for her own satisfaction - but that is what people do when they are heavily influenced by alcohol. Whatever feels good in that moment. She was not assessing your worth as a relationship partner. She was not considering whether she would be interested in dating you in the future… She was in the here and now and not thinking logically or reasonably… that’s all. so when she mentioned how she loved my eyes and beard that wasn't real physical attraction and all beer goggles/the alcohol talking? I'm not saying that necessarily means that she wants a relationship or to hook up again but I can never tell if these women think I actually look good or not. It would do a lot for my confidence knowing I was actually attractive.
zuzu420 Posted June 4 Posted June 4 (edited) I've kissed more women than I can count at this point but a lot of these situations usually involved alcohol. How do you know when someone is actually attracted to you in this situation? I'm also wondering how this may work for ladies on here. Are guys more attractive to you when you're drunk? Is it just beer goggles? My therapist is telling me that it's often a way to enchance emotions and make people less nervous to come onto someone that they may feel shy to approach sober. I need honest feedback because I can't tell whether to feel good or confident about this. Any of the times women have shown me sober interest are generally from the ones I'm not attracted to 95% of the time and I worry that those are the only kinds of women I'll end up with. I know with me it's gone both ways. There have been times where I've kissed women who seemed more attractive in the moment but then when I saw them on a sober occasion I did not find them as attractive. But a lot of the times I also still found them attractive when sober. Alcohol may also occasionally make me feel more confident to talk to women I may be anxious to sober but I still feel like I'm not completely hammered to the point where it's just my mind playing tricks on me. Assuming it's the same for women. Unless I'm not approaching enough.. A lot of times these have been in dark club environments where it's not in broad daylight. Edited June 4 by zuzu420
ShyViolet Posted June 4 Posted June 4 If you've kissed a lot of women, you can't be that hideous. Alcohol or not. You obviously are able to have interactions with women and get some women to be somewhat attracted to you. Being drunk doesn't change someone's standards of finding someone attractive that much. It just lowers their inhibitions and changes their own personality while they are under the influence.
zuzu420 Posted June 4 Posted June 4 (edited) 3 minutes ago, ShyViolet said: If you've kissed a lot of women, you can't be that hideous. Alcohol or not. You obviously are able to have interactions with women and get some women to be somewhat attracted to you. Being drunk doesn't change someone's standards of finding someone attractive that much. It just lowers their inhibitions and changes their own personality while they are under the influence. A lot of times it's through dancing but there's of course a bit of talking involved sometimes. It also isn't always the most well lit rooms since it may be a club setting. But that's what I'm thinking. Edited June 4 by zuzu420
ShyViolet Posted June 4 Posted June 4 Just now, zuzu420 said: A lot of times it's through dancing but there's of course a bit of talking involved sometimes. It also isn't always the most well lit rooms since it may be a club setting. Ohh so you are going to clubs and dancing and kissing women in the dim lighting...... ok makes sense. Well yeah you don't really see a person very clearly in that situation.
zuzu420 Posted June 4 Posted June 4 (edited) 8 minutes ago, ShyViolet said: Ohh so you are going to clubs and dancing and kissing women in the dim lighting...... ok makes sense. Well yeah you don't really see a person very clearly in that situation. yea so I'm not sure what to think. Although it's been different on once in a blue moon situations. Edited June 4 by zuzu420
BaileyB Posted June 4 Posted June 4 1 hour ago, zuzu420 said: so when she mentioned how she loved my eyes and beard that wasn't real physical attraction and all beer goggles/the alcohol talking? I can’t answer that. The only person who can tell you what she is thinking is her - Alcohol reduces inhibitions and affects a person’s ability to make good judgments/decisions. You asked about her behavior including her insistence that you come back - her decision making ability would be significantly impaired given the amount of alcohol that she had consumed that night.
zuzu420 Posted June 4 Posted June 4 1 minute ago, BaileyB said: I can’t answer that. The only person who can tell you what she is thinking is her - Alcohol reduces inhibitions and affects a person’s ability to make good judgments/decisions. You asked about her behavior including her insistence that you come back - her decision making ability would be significantly impaired given the amount of alcohol that she had consumed that night. I honestly wished I was able to read their minds. but that might make it worse. I'll end up getting over her and then probably run into this issue with another woman. I really hope it gets to the point where it doesn't hurt me as much. I imagine having ocd and being bipolar is making it harder for me to get over this stuff.
basil67 Posted June 4 Posted June 4 4 hours ago, zuzu420 said: I honestly feel extremely misled also. as if she just completely used me for her own satisfaction and nothing more. That can't all just be alcohol. Isn't using people for satisfaction exactly what you do when you sleep with overweight women? 4 hours ago, zuzu420 said: Why would she keep telling me that she wanted me to come back when I said I had to leave? this doesn't seem like normal behavior to me. I feel like that whole thing was just to use me. she was clinging on to me like crazy. I don't think that was just alcohol talking. but maybe it's cuz she's in her mid 20s so I'm expecting too much maturity out of her. It's not quite the same thing as me sleeping with women I wouldn't want to date. I was not clinging to them like that. I also didn't beg those women like she did. She was drunk. You were drunk. Drunk people are not known for making sensible decisions. If you want a better outcome, don't go having drunk sex with people
Recommended Posts