basil67 Posted May 31 Posted May 31 2 hours ago, zuzu420 said: I meant to add that I already am working full time which is why it would be taking me more than two years to graduate and I don't know exactly what I'm using my degree for if I continue the program. I'm hoping the career counselor can help. I just hope it's something I can tolerate that pays well. I don't wanna start my life over by going back to undergrad so my options are limited unfortunately. Do I understand correctly that this post grad degree doesn't offer you a direct career path? If so, a professional degree with internships would be much wiser
zuzu420 Posted May 31 Posted May 31 46 minutes ago, basil67 said: Do I understand correctly that this post grad degree doesn't offer you a direct career path? If so, a professional degree with internships would be much wiser I have career options with the degree. It's not limited to just one career.
Sanch62 Posted May 31 Posted May 31 Sounds like you're mentally getting in your own way. You don't need to be locked and loaded to discuss every nuance and detail as though you're a salesman trying to overcome objections that may never even be raised. You also don't need to explain your history, at least until someone has earned your trust through spending enough time together and offering some disclosures of her own. If a woman doesn't want to continue dating someone working full time, pursuing grad school, and fortunate enough to have parents willing to help until your degree is completed, she's just not the right match for you. Assuming that every woman 'must' be turned off prior to even offering her an opportunity to enjoy one date with you is self-sabotage. I hope you'll give women more credit and give yourself the benefit of exploring possibilities instead of squelching them at the gate. 1
Els Posted June 1 Posted June 1 (edited) 18 hours ago, zuzu420 said: I meant to add that I already am working full time which is why it would be taking me more than two years to graduate and I don't know exactly what I'm using my degree for if I continue the program. I'm hoping the career counselor can help. I just hope it's something I can tolerate that pays well. I don't wanna start my life over by going back to undergrad so my options are limited unfortunately. I would be less worried if I was able yo graduate grad school within 2 years. I just don't know what else to do with my life at this rate. Hmm, it's totally fine and normal for grad school to take longer if you are working full time. So that shouldn't be a problem. But if you are working full time, can you really not afford a small place with roommates? Of course getting your own place might not be possible in some places, but surely with roommates moving out would be doable? If you want to meet women during this time, I'd focus on just meeting people organically through hobby groups or social meetups. That way, you're having fun, making friends and practicing your social skills at the same time, so it's not a waste of time if you don't end up with a date. Dating apps can be a bit more like a shopping list, where people will evaluate you on paper before they get to know you. And unfortunately I think you're going to be at a disadvantage there, whereas if you meet women organically it's possible that you might hit it off with someone, or you might find a woman who's in a similar situation as yourself (although it would be interesting trying to find a place to have sex if you both live with your parents...). It's good that you are talking to a career counselor soon. I was honestly a bit surprised to read that you are doing a Masters in public health, since that sounds like the kind of program that is intended for people with a nursing or medical background. But hopefully the counselor will be able to help you find a way forward or refer you to someone who will. Edited June 1 by Els
zuzu420 Posted June 3 Posted June 3 (edited) I never know what's actual attraction vs being drunk. I had occasions where I still got dates after the first encounter with other women so I'm not sure what to think. I also apologize if this is the wrong section. I want to start off by saying I am really not trying to be that guy and I know I might get shamed engaging in sexual activity with someone who I knew was drunk but I'm hoping people can hear me out and give me feedback without too much judgement. So this is what happened: I had gone to an event with one of my big social meetup groups which happened to have had some drinking. I had two good sized beers and while not completely hammered I definitely would say I got buzzed tipsy or whatever you wanna call it. I met up with a few people to go to the event and this girl I slept with was part of our group. it may have been the second time I met her. she was 25 and I'm 33. Anyway, on the way back from the event we talked a bit and sat next to each other on the bus. she started talking about life ambitions and mentioned what it might be like to raise kids. it was really random. I don't remember what else we spoke about or word for word what the conversation was but she also mentioned wanting to find a man and we made a lot of eye contact. she seemed really comfortable around me and really engaged and did a lot of the talking. I can't remember if she told me whether or not she was drunk before this but at some point while she was looking at me and we made really close eye contact..and I ...just kind of leaned in and we kissed because it felt natural in the moment. I eventually somehow realized she was drunk. I also knew this because I walked with her and had to hold onto her to keep her from falling. I want to pause here and say I was NOT trying to go home with her. I even told her a few times I don't wanna be that guy and probably mentioned something like that multiple times. I kept trying to insist that I could get her a cab or wait with her for the train. But deep down I was concerned that she wouldn't make it so I felt like I should go because I worried that something might happened. However, she kept begging me to go all the way home with her and I felt like an a**h*** if I said no. she kept saying how she wanted to make me tea or a martini so I kind of just went a long with it knowing deep down what she was trying to do. We get to her house and we kiss a bit more on her couch. she kept insisting we should go to her room but I kep telling her that I don't have sex on the first date and she begged a few times and we ended up getting naked and she kept saying how she wanted me inside her but I just felt really nervous and I was kind of questioning my morals through the whole thing but I ended up letting her give me a bj cuz she kept insisting. I couldn't get hard for various reasons, maybe questioning my attraction and being nervous but I did end up fingering her. I honestly wanted to leave a bit sooner but she really wanted me to stay so I kept her company. Am I a bad guy for all of this?? I always feel guilty when this sort of thing happens. I'm also trying to figure out if any of this was real attraction or if she was just drunk. It seems to go both ways sometimes. Anyway, when I got home I texted her as promised and told her I made it home safe and that I had fun. She responded saying that she was happy I got home and asked me how we got back to the city and I told her that we took the bus and train together. She has not responded yet. Edited June 3 by zuzu420
zuzu420 Posted June 3 Posted June 3 (edited) I wanna add I at least think I had SOME attraction to her because I wouldn't have gone through all of this if I didn't. I would have still probably have taken her home anyway because it felt right and this is something I have done in the past for women without ulterior motives. Now the question is also going through my mind on whether or not she was attracted or this was all just alcohol talking. Although I wasn't completely comfortable during every second I genuinely enjoyed cuddling with her. She also complimented me on my eyes and beard at least once or twice so I'm assuming it wasn't just beer goggles but I'm not sure because I overthink everything. If I was able to get hard there's honestly also a chance that maybe I would have ended up having sex partially out of curiosity of what it might feel like; I've never been able to successfully penatrate due to things I've mentioned and medications. Edited June 3 by zuzu420
zuzu420 Posted June 3 Posted June 3 On 5/21/2025 at 7:48 PM, Sanch62 said: What has been your dating experience up to this point? What has been your gym experience and fitness level? If it's been good, why change it now? What kind of research have you done on hair loss, either methods to address it or methods to maintain a shaved head? never had a serious relationship. I've asked girls out on a few occasions but they usually say no. have slept with mostly girls I haven't really been attracted to since I feel like I don't have much options. I got sexual side effects from the hairloss pills.
ShyViolet Posted June 3 Posted June 3 No you're not a bad guy. Not at all. The fact that you are questioning all of this and you know it isn't the best thing to hook up with someone who is drunk, shows that you have a moral compass. A lot of guys hook up with girls who are drunk and don't give it a second thought. If this makes you feel this bad, just make a little rule for yourself that in the future you don't hook up with girls who are this drunk. It's really not attractive anyway. And that way you don't have to question whether they really like you, or whether it's just impaired judgment on their part. I guess your little theory that no one could possibly be attracted to you is proven wrong now, isn't it?
zuzu420 Posted June 3 Posted June 3 (edited) 7 minutes ago, ShyViolet said: No you're not a bad guy. Not at all. The fact that you are questioning all of this and you know it isn't the best thing to hook up with someone who is drunk, shows that you have a moral compass. A lot of guys hook up with girls who are drunk and don't give it a second thought. If this makes you feel this bad, just make a little rule for yourself that in the future you don't hook up with girls who are this drunk. It's really not attractive anyway. And that way you don't have to question whether they really like you, or whether it's just impaired judgment on their part. I guess your little theory that no one could possibly be attracted to you is proven wrong now, isn't it? I'm kind of hoping that I get to go on a date. It would probably hurt a little if it didn't go anywhere. I know women are attracted to one but it's often never really the ones I'm like super attracted to but I wanted to give her a chance. I know she mentioned Instagram before I left. Should I add her despite her not responding to my last message? I'm likely running into her again next week since our group is going on a trip and I think she's going also. Generally when women show me attraction they have been drinking so those seem like my only opportunities to get with them. Edited June 3 by zuzu420
ShyViolet Posted June 3 Posted June 3 This could go one of two ways. She could either wake up the next morning feeling massive shame and regret about the drunken night with you. Or she could wake up the next morning and still be interested in you, even when sober. Whether she replies to your texts will pretty much say it all. I guess it couldn't hurt to add her on IG, but if she doesn't reply to your texts then that's not a good sign and you shouldn't keep trying beyond that. Don't hook up with girls who are really drunk and you won't have to worry about this. 1
zuzu420 Posted June 3 Posted June 3 (edited) 8 minutes ago, ShyViolet said: This could go one of two ways. She could either wake up the next morning feeling massive shame and regret about the drunken night with you. Or she could wake up the next morning and still be interested in you, even when sober. Whether she replies to your texts will pretty much say it all. I guess it couldn't hurt to add her on IG, but if she doesn't reply to your texts then that's not a good sign and you shouldn't keep trying beyond that. Don't hook up with girls who are really drunk and you won't have to worry about this. well this happened last night. I texted her what I mentioned last night and she had texted me how we got back at 2 something am this morning right after. When I told her how we got home after she asked she didn't respond to the message. this is on WhatsApp and I think her status said "available" when I looked at a group chat but it also doesn't look like she read it. I guess I'll just add her on Instagram in the meantime. Should I have expected her to reply the next day? edit: I also just added her on Instagram and checked her story and she posted something 7 hours ago so I'm thinking maybe it wasn't real attraction. but I think sometimes women have answered two days later. Edited June 3 by zuzu420
ShyViolet Posted June 3 Posted June 3 3 minutes ago, zuzu420 said: Should I have expected her to reply the next day? I mean, yeah. It's not hard for someone to take 10 seconds to write a simple reply. Not replying for more than a day is a pretty big sign that the person isn't interested.
zuzu420 Posted June 3 Posted June 3 (edited) 7 minutes ago, ShyViolet said: I mean, yeah. It's not hard for someone to take 10 seconds to write a simple reply. Not replying for more than a day is a pretty big sign that the person isn't interested. I think it once took a woman two days to reply and we still went on a date though. I also don't think she ever gave me her Instagram but I remember her asking if I had it and I told her that I had her number on WhatsApp. Will I look stalkerish if I found her on Instagram and added her? couldn't it also be her trying to process how she feels? Edited June 3 by zuzu420
zuzu420 Posted June 3 Posted June 3 so hurt right now... been praying for years that someone I might like would come into my life but it hasn't happened...these women always go for someone more attractive than me and it will probably hurt me to see her again within our group
ExpatInItaly Posted June 3 Posted June 3 What was there to reply to, really? It doesn't sound like you volleyed back with a question. Having said that, it's not great that she doesn't even remember how you two got back. That is some next-level intoxication. She might be feeling weird about having blank patches in her memory from the entire night.
zuzu420 Posted June 3 Posted June 3 (edited) 8 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: What was there to reply to, really? It doesn't sound like you volleyed back with a question. Having said that, it's not great that she doesn't even remember how you two got back. That is some next-level intoxication. She might be feeling weird about having blank patches in her memory from the entire night. Should I ask her a follow-up question? The checkmarks didnt turn blue which usually means the person read the message on WhatsApp. I just told her how we got back. And yea it seems like attractive women only like me when they're extremely intoxicated. I just feel so worthless and a piece of me dies every time this happened. I was tempted to ask her out but i don't know now. I rarely make it to a second date either. I see pics or their exes and they're definitely taller and more toned than me. People say it isn't about that but I'm having trouble believing it. It seems like my only options are women who I have zero attraction to. Usually they're very overweight which is NOT me trying to shame them. Just not what I'm into. I've tried lowering my standards ever so slightly or trying to be more realistic. I'm wondering if she even remembers anything we did. She also said I should come back. Edited June 3 by zuzu420
Gebidozo Posted June 3 Posted June 3 You are not a bad guy because you’re questioning your behavior and are concerned whether it is ethical. This is a good sign. It is definitely not a good idea to have sex with drunk women, even if they ask for it. It’s still taking advantage and engaging in a sexual act with someone who isn’t able to grant you full consent. I’d lie if I said that never happened to me, but I’ve come to regret those instances. One thing you shouldn’t be doing is expect too much from that encounter. I don’t understand why you complain again that “women go for someone more attractive” when this woman clearly went for you. You can be grateful for the experience, but don’t see it necessarily as a prelude to a relationship.
ExpatInItaly Posted June 3 Posted June 3 1 minute ago, zuzu420 said: I just feel so worthless and a piece of me dies every time this happened How often are you hooking up with drunk women? Look, you need to get a handle on yourself here. Drunken hookups happen all the time. Sometimes they lead to morre, sometimes they don't. If you're getting all emotional about it and turning it into another reason to beat yourself up, you need to stop hooking up with women who you know are under the inflluence. This isn't a poor-me moment. This is learning moment, if you choose to find the lesson here.
Gebidozo Posted June 3 Posted June 3 1 minute ago, zuzu420 said: And yea it seems like attractive women only like me when they're extremely intoxicated. There are men attractive women wouldn’t sleep with even when they’re extremely intoxicated. Why are you being so negative about what happened and immediately begin to unfavorably compare yourself with exes? Try to see this is a “half-full glass” kind of thing. It’s like you’re obsessed with and constantly envious of taller guys. Believe me, this is a much bigger turn off for women than short stature. 1
basil67 Posted June 3 Posted June 3 5 hours ago, zuzu420 said: never had a serious relationship. I've asked girls out on a few occasions but they usually say no. have slept with mostly girls I haven't really been attracted to since I feel like I don't have much options. I got sexual side effects from the hairloss pills. The girls who will have sex with you - they are the ones who are in your league. The ones who won't go out with you - they are above your league
MsJayne Posted June 3 Posted June 3 I'm not sure why you're so down on yourself about this, but you probably should have just seen her safely home and then made a break for it instead of staying for the failed BJ. If she has any memory of it she may be embarrassed, (she should be ). Have you considered that maybe these drunk women who come on to you are too insecure and lacking in confidence to approach you when they're sober? I wouldn't add her on social media because that would look stalker-ish, I'd wait until the next group get-together and just throw caution to the wind and talk to her before she gets smashed, tease her a bit about your night of unsuccessful passion, (not in front of other people, obviously), then you can gauge whether there's an actual attraction or she's just in the habit of badgering men to go home with her. If she seems genuinely interested ask her out on a date, be confident, confidence wins the game. She's got just as much social anxiety as you, that's why she gets plastered, so don't go in feeling like the underdog, you're in front at this stage.The worst that can happen is that she might say no, and it won't be the end of the world.
FredEire Posted June 3 Posted June 3 1 hour ago, basil67 said: The girls who will have sex with you - they are the ones who are in your league. The ones who won't go out with you - they are above your league I feel like I should ask since I've seen similar comments from a few posters in other threads - if a guy fundamentally isn't attracted to women "in his league", should he be dating these girls despite it not being fair to them or himself? I think if this is the case it's actually better to just check out of dating entirely. My own take is that the world is a big place with many diverse people and diverse interests. If most women are "out of your league" that's a bitter pill to swallow but it's worth prioritising yourself and waiting for someone you're into who is into you. If that doesn't come along hey it sucks but it's a good deal better than marrying someone you're not into for the sake of it.
zuzu420 Posted June 3 Posted June 3 42 minutes ago, MsJayne said: I'm not sure why you're so down on yourself about this, but you probably should have just seen her safely home and then made a break for it instead of staying for the failed BJ. If she has any memory of it she may be embarrassed, (she should be ). Have you considered that maybe these drunk women who come on to you are too insecure and lacking in confidence to approach you when they're sober? I wouldn't add her on social media because that would look stalker-ish, I'd wait until the next group get-together and just throw caution to the wind and talk to her before she gets smashed, tease her a bit about your night of unsuccessful passion, (not in front of other people, obviously), then you can gauge whether there's an actual attraction or she's just in the habit of badgering men to go home with her. If she seems genuinely interested ask her out on a date, be confident, confidence wins the game. She's got just as much social anxiety as you, that's why she gets plastered, so don't go in feeling like the underdog, you're in front at this stage.The worst that can happen is that she might say no, and it won't be the end of the world. That's fair. I worried I screwed up already because I added her on Instagram and viewed her story. If she doesn't add me back then that might make me feel it's over. is it still worth trying to talk to her again when I next see her?
ExpatInItaly Posted June 3 Posted June 3 1 hour ago, zuzu420 said: that might make me feel it's over What is over, exactly? You had a random hookup. There's not really anything to be over.
BaileyB Posted June 3 Posted June 3 (edited) 1 hour ago, zuzu420 said: Is it still worth trying to talk to her again when I next see her? Just say hello and see how she responds. The ball is in her court. Probably a good plan next time you are out and the girl is drunk to take a pass. My guess is that she is embarrassed and it’s pretty hard to come back from that. I think you would have much more success if you make sure that she gets home safely and say goodnight. There is more to respect there - you’ve tried the drunken hook-up and the success rate there hasn’t been great. Next time, do what you feel is right and if she is really interested in dating you, she will let you know. Edited June 3 by BaileyB
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