Citizen Erased Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 I have been best friends with K for 5 years now. We have been through so much and yet I feel like it is all a facade now. I was always the stronger one. Any opinion I had, she had too. If I disliked someone, she did too etc. It was annoying, but I figured she would grow out of it, she hasn't. 2 years ago, she created major tension between myself and two of my friends (she told me that they had been saying stuff behind my back and then turning around and saying the same thing to them). This fight went on for a year and it was horrible. However, nothing was more horrible than when I found out she had lied to me. I forgave her though because I just put it down to childishness. However, I never really forgot. This year has been the break between us. There's this other girl T who doesn't like me (all the guys flirted with her, I came along and 'took them away from her ). I really don't care about their friendship cos I have other friends, a boyfriend etc and she should be happy. However, she spends loads of time with her and then bitches about T to me behind her back It is so annoying. The worse thing is that I know that she does the same to T, bitches about me. Apparently, I would walk out of the room, shed bitch about me, I'd walk back in and she'd be nice as pie I am just so sick of this immaturity on her behalf. I have confronted her and she denies it all. We then hang out and I forget about it until she ditches me or ignores me for ages, then she's nice to me again. This girl was there for me when my parents got divorced, helped me through my breakup with my ex and brought my current bf and me together. I love her to death, but she is just plainly being a bi@tch to me. What can I do? I'm working full time, about to start study again and Ive just left home because of bad circumstances. I am so stressed out and I need my best friend but she just isn't there for me, other people are suddenly more important, yet when she calls me crying on the phone about her family I sit there and talk her through it. I am beginning to doubt whether one word of truth ever comes through that girls mouth in the whole time I've known her (shes always had a problem with the truth but it was never directed at me before.) HELP!!!
JayKay Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 This sounds all very high-schoolish... Sometimes we outgrow certain groups of people; it's unfortunate when friends don't grow and mature with us. That can be a lonely time. It sounds like some of these people still have a catty high school mentality and now it is grating on you. People who lie, tear down others, act sneaky and try to sabotage others' relationships are insecure and unable to truly empathize with others. That's why your friend can't be there for you. It's all about her. This is a typical teenage mentality -- interesting, a teen's brain is still in development (the frontal lobe part) and that's why they have a hard time with empathy. Is this best friend still a teenager? If not, she is pretty stunted, from an emotional maturity standpoint. If you are really sick of this behavior, you should distance yourself from these people. Try to meet new people through your classes, volunteer activities, hobbies and your job. K and T sound really annoying
Author Citizen Erased Posted January 9, 2006 Author Posted January 9, 2006 This sounds all very high-schoolish... Sometimes we outgrow certain groups of people; it's unfortunate when friends don't grow and mature with us. That can be a lonely time. It sounds like some of these people still have a catty high school mentality and now it is grating on you. People who lie, tear down others, act sneaky and try to sabotage others' relationships are insecure and unable to truly empathize with others. That's why your friend can't be there for you. It's all about her. This is a typical teenage mentality -- interesting, a teen's brain is still in development (the frontal lobe part) and that's why they have a hard time with empathy. Is this best friend still a teenager? If not, she is pretty stunted, from an emotional maturity standpoint. If you are really sick of this behavior, you should distance yourself from these people. Try to meet new people through your classes, volunteer activities, hobbies and your job. K and T sound really annoying Yeah I am nearly 19, I have a full time job, im about to move out with my boyfriend and start study again. I just felt like a total cow thinking that she was immature, I felt like I was stuck up, but it is true. I didn't lower myself to the whole high-school be a bitch thing during my senior years because I just felt like it was for 9th graders. Unfortunately enough, I guess she is taking it out of school and directing it at the one person who is always there for her. I guess the thing which hurts the most is that she always comes to me with her problems and I sit there and talk her through them for ages. Then I find out that she does all of this crap. I know I have to let her go, this friendship is probably dead, but I need some closure. I need to confront her because I know if I don't than I will not let go of this. How can I go about saying that I know all of the crap shes been up to but not end up in a massive fight that will get nowhere? Can I even do that?
JayKay Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 Do you really need to confront her? Why not just distance yourself? If that's not satisfactory you could write her a letter -- that way you can get all your thoughts down on paper before she interrupts or sways the conversation in another direction. Or you can just be distant (not call her, not take her calls, get off the phone quickly if you pick up and she's there) and wait for her to notice. She will notice you are being distant and probably ask you what's up. You can tell her, "Why don't you think things over and when you think you know the answer....come and talk to me." Let her sit and stew over things. Let her fret. She'll probably imagine a hundred reasons why you're pissed off. Then when she comes back to you she'll say, "I think you're mad because of A, B and C?" That way she's admitting to her faults. Maybe then you can have an honest discussion about it. Now it could go the other way -- she might say, "I don't know why you're mad. I didn't do anything!" and she might flounce off in a huff, never to be heard from again. Don't worry about it. Until someone is ready to hear the truth and listen, your words would fall on deaf ears anyway.
Author Citizen Erased Posted January 10, 2006 Author Posted January 10, 2006 I am just so frustrated cos I just don't need this. Everything else is finally falling into place and she is just acting like a 12 year old. I just need to vent I think, which is why I feel the need to confront her. I know that one huge argument will take me about two steps back but I am just pissed!! She keeps sending me texts though and I am just not answering her. They are just crappy jokes, asking me how I am and stuff, but I just got one from her that asked me what was wrong. Whenever I see that she has sent me something, I just think that yeah I bet she will be a cow towards me soon. The one thing is though that a bunch of us have concert tickets to see my favourite band HIM at the Opera House in the City. It will be heaps of fun but she has a ticket too (she pretended she LOVED them when she hasnt really got a clue who they are!! Copycat yet again!!). I can't really say to our friends that she can't come cos it's unfair. And I am certainly not going to miss it just cos of her. Should I wait to start the none contact until after the concert???
JayKay Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 You can go to the concert and just try not to sit near her or interact with her too much.
tinktronik Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 Get over her, if she talks about you behind your back forget her shes not your friend anyway. Shes not the other girls fried either.Sounds like she dosent know how to be a friend. Instead of focusing on a trivial relationship with some girl , focus on something more important, and get yourself un-stressed.
Author Citizen Erased Posted January 10, 2006 Author Posted January 10, 2006 Get over her, if she talks about you behind your back forget her shes not your friend anyway. Shes not the other girls fried either.Sounds like she dosent know how to be a friend. Instead of focusing on a trivial relationship with some girl , focus on something more important, and get yourself un-stressed. Yeah, for one my boyfriend is more important than her anyway!! Thanks guys!!
basscatcher Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 I read your initial post but not the replies. To your post here is what I see from much experience. Your friend isn't much of a freind. She appears to llike drama and therefor starts it (maybe without realizing it at time.) she also appears to be very jealous of you because others seem to like you and she feels like you take them away from her. I have a gf who is jealous of my new bf. I use to spend a lot of time with her when I was single. Now that I have a bf I don't see her as much but we talk on the phone daily. She started to complain and start shyt. I confronted her about being jealous and she flat out admitted to me that she feels like he has taken me away from her. She was so dependant on me that when I didn't go over to her apt every day she felt abandoned. She has attachement issues.. She is also jealous with the fact that I have a active life and many friends and associates. She wish's she could have me all to herself. I am glad most of my friends live in other cities or I think she may start crap like your friend between all of us. You need to confront her with some possible ideas as to why she does what she does. She shouldn't be talking smack behind anyones back. If she is honestly bothered by something you are doing (like ruining your life with drugs, alcohol or just plain stupidity) then I can see her reaching out for support from others. But she just sounds jealous and vindictive because she is not you, not like you, doesn't have what you have, and doesn't feel like people like her as much as they do you..
Author Citizen Erased Posted January 10, 2006 Author Posted January 10, 2006 I read your initial post but not the replies. To your post here is what I see from much experience. Your friend isn't much of a freind. She appears to llike drama and therefor starts it (maybe without realizing it at time.) she also appears to be very jealous of you because others seem to like you and she feels like you take them away from her. I have a gf who is jealous of my new bf. I use to spend a lot of time with her when I was single. Now that I have a bf I don't see her as much but we talk on the phone daily. She started to complain and start shyt. I confronted her about being jealous and she flat out admitted to me that she feels like he has taken me away from her. She was so dependant on me that when I didn't go over to her apt every day she felt abandoned. She has attachement issues.. She is also jealous with the fact that I have a active life and many friends and associates. She wish's she could have me all to herself. I am glad most of my friends live in other cities or I think she may start crap like your friend between all of us. You need to confront her with some possible ideas as to why she does what she does. She shouldn't be talking smack behind anyones back. If she is honestly bothered by something you are doing (like ruining your life with drugs, alcohol or just plain stupidity) then I can see her reaching out for support from others. But she just sounds jealous and vindictive because she is not you, not like you, doesn't have what you have, and doesn't feel like people like her as much as they do you.. I re-read this post and it got me thinking. I never actually considered that she was jeaous of me, just that maybe she had a weaker personality and seeing as I have a strong one, she attached herself and tried to be like me. Your suggestion however, is more believable. lol and no I am not doing drugs or anything, I was never like that. She is just getting cruel little digs in and I guess jealousy would be the answer. However, she is pretty much doing it to T, being cruel about her life and I guess she really doesnt know how to act around other human beings, but this is the girl she has ditched me for, and then says to ppl that I dont talk to her as much anymore cos of my boyfriend and other friends???? The reason why I even posted this was cos i got told she was trying to act the victim to other people, saying how she was getting tired of our friendship being all over the place, how I was the horrible one as i am involved with my boyfriend( i just moved out of home, and pretty much live at his place!! of course im with him heaps!). Although, she never has had a boyfriend and always hated my boyfriends... I am just so disappointed that someone could treat anyone like this, even now when i am furious at her I still wont say anything about it to our friends cos i think it is unecessary and immature. AARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ... sorry, needed to get that outta my system! Thanks heaps padameckla *hug*
pradeep Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 Instead of focusing on a trivial relationship with some girl , focus on something more important, and get yourself un-stressed.
confusedandcrazy Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 I agree with everyone here. I hated the drama and well the high school scenario in general. If only I could take my own advice, i would be so much better off. Learn to live and be happy with yourself. You sound like you have so much going for you, and you know sounds like a big waste of time and energy. As to getting rid of friends? I don't know how to do that, but definately put some distance between yourself and them. True friends do not speak bad of you behind your back and try to start stuff. The real friends in life are made over time, the ones that may not always agree with you but respect you for who you are, and you respect them for the same reason. Besides, sounds like you could use some new ones that share the same things you are pursuing in school and other. I know it is hard, especially at your age to figure out what you want in life, I thought I knew, and well.....it's time to start over. I was 18 then, and now I am 27. For the first time in my life I realized that I am in control of my life. (SCARY)! I will get through this, and I think you will to, and maybe become better for it.
basscatcher Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 I re-read this post and it got me thinking. I never actually considered that she was jeaous of me, just that maybe she had a weaker personality and seeing as I have a strong one, she attached herself and tried to be like me. Your suggestion however, is more believable. lol and no I am not doing drugs or anything, I was never like that. She is just getting cruel little digs in and I guess jealousy would be the answer. However, she is pretty much doing it to T, being cruel about her life and I guess she really doesnt know how to act around other human beings, but this is the girl she has ditched me for, and then says to ppl that I dont talk to her as much anymore cos of my boyfriend and other friends???? The reason why I even posted this was cos i got told she was trying to act the victim to other people, saying how she was getting tired of our friendship being all over the place, how I was the horrible one as i am involved with my boyfriend( i just moved out of home, and pretty much live at his place!! of course im with him heaps!). Although, she never has had a boyfriend and always hated my boyfriends... I am just so disappointed that someone could treat anyone like this, even now when i am furious at her I still wont say anything about it to our friends cos i think it is unecessary and immature. AARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ... sorry, needed to get that outta my system! Thanks heaps padameckla *hug* UPon reading your situation I couldn't help but see mine in very similar fashion. I am a strong person, I am outspoken and speak what I believe and think. I don't care what other people think or if they disagree with me. I am not afraid to defend myself. My friend is. She kisses azz too much just to please other people. She doesn't want to or like to step on toes. She always wants to be accepted and liked. I personally don't get over charged if someone doesn't like me. I wonder why and I get a little peeved someone would judge me without knowing me but thats their loss and their problem.. She is weaker then I am in many ways. Yet she has done more then I ever would dare. She was a stripper for 10 yrs.. I would never do that. She has experimented with illegal drugs; I have never did that either.. There are things she would do and I won't.. I hold a higher standard for myself then she does becasue I was raised in a conservative Catholic family. (I did do my own thing in a rebelious way though. ) but I didn't take too many risks.. My friend is totally jealous and she even tries to use her children and boyfriend to make me feel guilty.. I can read her like a book and I don't allow her to play me.. I give in when I chose too.. Stay observent with her even if she isn't in your life or if she is. You can see her in action with others standing on the sidelines. You will see her games and the jealousy.. Watch, listen and learn. People's body language and facial expressions give them away if you pay attention.
Author Citizen Erased Posted January 16, 2006 Author Posted January 16, 2006 I decided that confronting K hostile was not the best way to go about things, so I arranged for us to go see a movie and grab some lunch by ourselves. I wanted to spend at least one day with her before I totally cut her out of my life. Suprisingly, it was fine. Just like 'old times'. I knew that I can't trust her though and so I just decided to, over lunch, calmly put my feelings across to her. It went fine actually. I just told her that I knew that some stuff had been said, and would likely keep being said and that I couldn't put up with it, as I won't tolerate childish behaviour at the moment from an adult. She listened to wht I had to say and we just discussed everything (Apparently she was jealous of the attention which she felt I always got - not that I want it- and so she kept doing stuff to make me feel crappy like she did). No no no, of course I am not going to be friends with her. After we had finished our discussion and I was considering trying to be friends with her, she got a call from T who absolutely abused K for lying to her. Apparently K told T she was sick and then T found out she was in fact shopping with me (OMG this is so immature!). They hung up and K got a message pretty much saying 'you lied to me, If you're with HER (as in me) then don't bother calling me back' - K showed me the message! T is a stupid controlling bi@tch but this is beyond a joke. Left right and centre lies are being told and I bet that I will get blamed for it all. T has a massive problem with me cos K was friends with me and so suddenly I am a bitch??? This is so Kindergarten and pathetic. I needed to rant, sorry. I am just absolutely amazed at: 1. The fact T has such a problem if K goes shopping with someone else. Like are they married or something?? 2. What the problem is here with T. I am not a huge bitch or anything, I pretty much have kept to myself where she is concerned 3. Why K had to lie at all in the first place to T. AARGH! I am just so over this whole thing. Thats it, T won't have to feel insecure anymore as I am just giving up as of NOW!
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