Ex hopped 3 relationships within a year, one being our LTR - wonder what you think

[tiny_thing]

Hey everybody, kind of a weird/sad story here. Feel free to give it a read if you like some good old cringe - and maybe if you'd like to leave your opinion. 
Last year, my ex-boyfriend of 7 years monkeybranched from me to a girl he started texting a few months before the breakup, while we were still living together. He even tricked me into moving back to our hometown with him (future-faked that we’ll stay only for a bit so he can save up for our own house abroad), and got together with her just a couple of weeks after that, a fact he hid from me for a month. That was in summer.

Just 4 months after he dumped me for that girl, I found out that he is already in ANOTHER relationship, evidence being him posting the new girl on social media, openly calling her his girlfriend and expressing gratitude for “finally finding love”. He didn’t publicly claim that about the monkeybranch girl, but he did post her too, which he never did with me. She seems to be back with her own ex now. I know he was still dating her around late September, so judging by the timeline, that's just a 2-month break between these two relationships at the very most - maybe even less than that! 
I have zero doubts he's now stuck in a loop rebounding - he has very few common interests with both girls, and I'm almost sure he left me because of their looks, how they boost his ego and feel shiny and new after an LTR.

Obviously, I have no respect for this person anymore and don’t want him back, even though I miss the time we spent together, and I’m still horribly heartbroken. I don’t often meet people who understand me on a deeper level and are also attracted to me physically, and my ex was an extremely rare find in that regard, even though my venting makes it sound like there wasn't a single good thing. As individuals, we got along great, and I believe it was genuine love - on my behalf, at least. I am aware that the relationship itself wasn’t really working out, as I was the one putting in all the effort, and he rarely did the bare minimum, even though emotionally and intellectually we clicked well.

The fact that he changed girlfriends so quickly makes me feel like everything we had was completely fake, and that I was holding him back from being happy, even though during the breakup speech he claimed he truly loved me with all his heart, and wanted me to leave because he wanted to protect me from himself as he's now more aware of his tendencies than before.
I also find it weird that almost all of our friends have no problem with this behavior, including the monkeybranch girl, who still actively supports him on social media and talks to him. Makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me, not him. Even his other exes from years ago seem to like him a lot to this day.

The only person who tried to help me in this situation is one mutual friend, who revealed that he had attempted to cheat on me with her a couple of times during our relationship, but she didn’t tell me back then. I don’t have proof if he cheated with anyone else, but there were weird vibes sometimes, and during the last couple of years of our relationship he had been growing more and more distant, likely due to me having to work two jobs to support us while he was jobless and addicted (with subsequent stress taking a toll on my physical and mental health), so I was actually suspecting for a while that he might have been seeing someone else -- other clues being him suddenly closely interacting with random girls on social media, and me starting to get UTIs that I've never had before (which suspiciously completely stopped once we broke up).

I just wonder, what is the deal with people like him? Dismissive avoidant? Narcissist? Addicted to the dopamine rush? What is the thought process? And how do I avoid them in the future? 
This was my one and only relationship, so I don’t have much experience answering these questions - I'm only now learning just the basic relationship terms from psychology videos. I'm the kind of person who feels a lot better if I can somehow rationalize and find logic in traumatic events. Maybe you have some insight on this, what do you think?

Edited January 4 by tiny_thing
Calculated the timeline wrong

[basil67]

Hi tiny_thing, I've got a different take - but I can still give you logic

Your relationship with this guy was well past it's best, and I suspect you were there only out of some sense of responsibility and historical love.  And he was there because you let him stay, you kept supporting him while he did nothing.  I imagine the active love on both sides was gone.

He definitely monkey branched away, then found she wasn't as wonderful as he thought (or perhaps she refused to support him!), but because he wasn't overly attached to her, he was able to move on quickly.   Rinse and repeat.  Also, I wouldn't count seeing someone for 2-3 months as a relationship....this is still the 'getting to know you' phase.  He's really done nothing wrong by seeing a few people for a few months in a year.

Lastly, UTIs aren't sexually transmitted, but being run-down can play a big role in leaving you susceptible.  And with your two jobs and crappy relationship, I bet you were run-down!  It's no wonder you got ill.

The upshot is that the trash took itself out, and you're now free of the burden.  You sound like a good person and I trust that good things are coming your way

[Foxhall]

2 hours ago, tiny_thing said:

This was my one and only relationship

I think both guys and girls can make the mistake of investing too much trust and hope in their initial partners,

One side  invariably is more into their partner than the other and then its hard when they look elsewhere,

this guy is unsure- he has a few women whom he is interested in, and to be fair it can be asking a lot for him to commit exclusively to yourself, before he truly gets to know you and before he assesses how he connects with other acquaintances,

So while you are hurting now for a while dont take it as personally, there will be plenty of further love interests ahead,  more suitable ones,

be a little guarded until you get to know them properly.

[Gebidozo]

I wouldn’t put labels on your ex, that’s something professional psychiatrists should do.

Obviously, a person who can’t control his cheating tendencies isn’t mature or trustworthy or fit for a serious relationship. He did the right thing by breaking up with you. Imagine what would have happened if he just kept cheating and you’d stay together for decades and find that out much later. Now you are free to look for a mature, confident man who wouldn’t cheat on you and also would have a more responsible mindset.

That said, I don’t think there is anything criminal in what he did after the breakup. For once, it has nothing to do with you. It is sometimes tough for us to accept, but what our exes do after they’ve dumped us is none of our business. There is no need for you to analyze why his next relationship was so short. We don’t know the reasons for that and there is nothing wrong, per se, in having a short relationship or even a casual, fleeting sexual liaison, as long as both partners are completely sincere with each other and are on the same page.

 

[tiny_thing]

3 hours ago, basil67 said:

Hi tiny_thing, I've got a different take - but I can still give you logic

Your relationship with this guy was well past it's best, and I suspect you were there only out of some sense of responsibility and historical love.  And he was there because you let him stay, you kept supporting him while he did nothing.  I imagine the active love on both sides was gone.

He definitely monkey branched away, then found she wasn't as wonderful as he thought (or perhaps she refused to support him!), but because he wasn't overly attached to her, he was able to move on quickly.   Rinse and repeat.  Also, I wouldn't count seeing someone for 2-3 months as a relationship....this is still the 'getting to know you' phase.  He's really done nothing wrong by seeing a few people for a few months in a year.

Lastly, UTIs aren't sexually transmitted, but being run-down can play a big role in leaving you susceptible.  And with your two jobs and crappy relationship, I bet you were run-down!  It's no wonder you got ill.

The upshot is that the trash took itself out, and you're now free of the burden.  You sound like a good person and I trust that good things are coming your way

Thank you for your take on this! I do actually agree with it, generally speaking - I saw that the relationship wasn't working both ways, I guess the traumatic part is that the decline can come at the worst possible moment - like in this case where I was focused on trying to get us to a better place, because if I failed and focused on dating or whatever he silently wanted, we'd both be homeless or worse. It's like being stuck in a stalemate when everything you try and don't try inevitably leads to the same end. 
I assume your conclusion on this is that this isn't the result of any disorder on his end that can be assessed via therapy, but rather the result of a natural decline combined with his personality - maybe you are right, actually. I've been looking into a lot of content, and while I see my situation often be referenced almost to a T as an example of dismissive avoidant or narcissistic abuse, there are still always details that don't quite match up, leading me to question if there was no trauma involved and some people are just... kinda like that naturally. Which isn't exactly reassuring, but I'll have to take it.
Also, your UTI comment humbled me for a lack of a better word - I guess it's a good thing I never had them before so I didn't know that  Also unfortunately means I'll have to change my gyno, because she's the one who asked me if I knew whether my boyfriend could have "been with some other girls" when I referred to her with the issue, leading me to believe it more...
Thank you so much for your kindness - I certainly hope for a better future as well, and that maybe somehow I'll learn how to tell good and shady people apart.
 

2 hours ago, Foxhall said:

I think both guys and girls can make the mistake of investing too much trust and hope in their initial partners,

One side  invariably is more into their partner than the other and then its hard when they look elsewhere,

this guy is unsure- he has a few women whom he is interested in, and to be fair it can be asking a lot for him to commit exclusively to yourself, before he truly gets to know you and before he assesses how he connects with other acquaintances,

So while you are hurting now for a while dont take it as personally, there will be plenty of further love interests ahead,  more suitable ones,

be a little guarded until you get to know them properly.

Thank you Foxhall, in general I agree with you. But I feel like my situation was a little more complex. I believed that after 7 years we'd have a sufficient amount of trust built up to hope for a more exclusive relationship, but perhaps I was wrong. People change after all, and maybe someone who was not a good match before could be the perfect one now. Still, I have my doubts that this "greener grass seeking" behavior is completely healthy - in my mind when you have expressed commitment and require it from the other person as well, that's the point when you stop looking around and try to work on what you have, which I hadn't observed from him. I feel like it's unfair to betray an LTR partner, leaving them with no money and a lost home, just because there were better options available and you haven't even tried to work on the issues at hand.
How I see it is that a mentally healthy person wouldn't be capable of this and the subsequent relationship hopping, but it's possible it's just a personality + bad communication skills issue. I will definitely be more guarded next time, as that's one trap I'm afraid of getting into again.

[tiny_thing]

20 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

I wouldn’t put labels on your ex, that’s something professional psychiatrists should do.

Obviously, a person who can’t control his cheating tendencies isn’t mature or trustworthy or fit for a serious relationship. He did the right thing by breaking up with you. Imagine what would have happened if he just kept cheating and you’d stay together for decades and find that out much later. Now you are free to look for a mature, confident man who wouldn’t cheat on you and also would have a more responsible mindset.

That said, I don’t think there is anything criminal in what he did after the breakup. For once, it has nothing to do with you. It is sometimes tough for us to accept, but what our exes do after they’ve dumped us is none of our business. There is no need for you to analyze why his next relationship was so short. We don’t know the reasons for that and there is nothing wrong, per se, in having a short relationship or even a casual, fleeting sexual liaison, as long as both partners are completely sincere with each other and are on the same page.

 

Thank you for your reply! You are right - I'd hate to label a person without the required expertise, that's exactly why I'm very wary of these "how to tell you were the victim of abuse" videos - at the same time I know I tend to downplay things only to discover they were in fact so much worse. Currently trying to sort out what's actual good advice and what's not. I'm considering going into therapy to get my answers and my peace of mind.
The kind of person you describe is exactly who I decided I will be on the lookout for  So I just hope I really will meet them after all, and that I don't fall for a facade again. My ex started out mature and confident, which turned out to be a mask once we settled.

I also agree I'm not doing myself any service by judging his new affairs - the only reason I feel compelled to do so is to understand how this mindset works, so I don't fall for it again and manage to catch the red flags in time. He's absolutely free to do whatever he wants now, and it's technically not my burden to carry, even if he does end up hurting more people. I guess I do have a strange innate need for justice that I can't completely get rid of, but I'm not Batman to be rescuing random people.
 

[Gebidozo]

5 minutes ago, tiny_thing said:

I guess I do have a strange innate need for justice that I can't completely get rid of, but I'm not Batman to be rescuing random people.

Not only that, but you don’t know whether your ex has actually hurt the women he’s been with since your breakup. Sometimes we want our exes to fail in their subsequent relationships so that we can have that comforting “it’s him, it’s not me!” moment. We find solace thinking that love has ended because the ex was an a**h***, and look for proofs of his moral deficiency in his future liaisons.

But I don’t think it’s a healthy mindset. People do grow and change, after all. Even if your ex isn’t mature yet, he will probably eventually become mature and have a very good, lasting relationship with someone. We can only focus on what we do.

[tiny_thing]

1 minute ago, Gebidozo said:

Not only that, but you don’t know whether your ex has actually hurt the women he’s been with since your breakup. Sometimes we want our exes to fail in their subsequent relationships so that we can have that comforting “it’s him, it’s not me!” moment. We find solace thinking that love has ended because the ex was an a**h***, and look for proofs of his moral deficiency in his future liaisons.

But I don’t think it’s a healthy mindset. People do grow and change, after all. Even if your ex isn’t mature yet, he will probably eventually become mature and have a very good, lasting relationship with someone. We can only focus on what we do.

That's entirely possible, I'm not saying he will hurt them, just that now I know he's not exactly past it either. I absolutely don't want him to fail, I want him to heal and be better, just like I'd want for any other person - but I understand I'll have to accept it's not my responsibility to judge or help this person anymore. It is now my responsibility to get myself to a better place, though, and I'd hate to step into the same trap - my ex was the perfect gentleman in the beginning of our relationship too, and even at its lowest points, he managed to make an impression of improvement each time, leading me to trust him more and more. Unfortunately, people don't have giant neon signs hovering above them saying who they really are, so I guess it's a game of live and learn after all.

[ShyViolet]

6 hours ago, tiny_thing said:

I just wonder, what is the deal with people like him? Dismissive avoidant? Narcissist? Addicted to the dopamine rush? What is the thought process? 

We don't know, we would only be speculating, and it's not helpful to try and label exes with pop psychology terms.  The most productive thing you can do now is stop trying to analyze him.  It really doesn't matter now.  Whatever he did after the breakup, whoever he dated, and how long or short those relationships were, really had nothing to do with you and it wasn't helpful for you to fixate on it so much and try to analyze it.  That won't get you anywhere.  You really should stop looking at his social media and the social media of his other exes, and just make an active choice to move on from this.  I know it seems hard, but it's time to detach from this and let it go.

Since this was your first and only relationship it makes sense that this seems magnified and like the biggest deal in the world.  But there will be other relationships.

[basil67]

52 minutes ago, tiny_thing said:

I assume your conclusion on this is that this isn't the result of any disorder on his end that can be assessed via therapy, but rather the result of a natural decline combined with his personality

You said he was a drug addict.  This is more than enough to explain all of what went wrong.  

[tiny_thing]

1 hour ago, ShyViolet said:

We don't know, we would only be speculating, and it's not helpful to try and label exes with pop psychology terms.  The most productive thing you can do now is stop trying to analyze him.  It really doesn't matter now.  Whatever he did after the breakup, whoever he dated, and how long or short those relationships were, really had nothing to do with you and it wasn't helpful for you to fixate on it so much and try to analyze it.  That won't get you anywhere.  You really should stop looking at his social media and the social media of his other exes, and just make an active choice to move on from this.  I know it seems hard, but it's time to detach from this and let it go.

Since this was your first and only relationship it makes sense that this seems magnified and like the biggest deal in the world.  But there will be other relationships.

I see, stopping trying to rationalize everything is always the hardest thing for me. I'm just somehow convinced that if I manage to find a pattern and understand how this person's mind works, then I'd be more or less safe from harm in the future. Already long stopped deliberately looking at his social media, but we live in a small town and the algorithm is doing its thing, whether I like it or not. It may be easy for some people to say I had it coming in hindsight, but most of the time I had no reasons not to trust him, and that's why the betrayal hit so hard. Maybe I should accept that there are way too many factors in life to be able to predict an outcome to a relationship, and the best I can do is to make myself as secure mentally and financially as I can before entering another one. This isn't an easy path to take, and I don't expect to achieve a lot, but at least it will be something to cling to if my life plans come crashing down once again.
 

58 minutes ago, basil67 said:

You said he was a drug addict.  This is more than enough to explain all of what went wrong.  

Alcohol, but yes, technically also a drug.

Edited January 5 by tiny_thing

[Gebidozo]

14 minutes ago, tiny_thing said:

Maybe I should accept that there are way too many factors in life to be able to predict an outcome to a relationship, and the best I can do is to make myself as secure mentally and financially as I can before entering another one.

Exactly. There is no way you can predict anyone’s future behavior with certainty based on rational analysis. Human beings are unpredictable. Free will can break any pre-determined pattern as though it were a house of cards. Sinners can repent, saints can fall. We’ll never be able to be 100% safe from potential betrayal or hurt. The only thing we can do is develop our mental strength and mature mindset, so that when life suddenly hits us hard we don’t crumble to dust but recover from the blow and keep going.

[basil67]

7 hours ago, tiny_thing said:

Alcohol, but yes, technically also a drug.

It still explains everything he did. 

[basil67]

6 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

The only thing we can do is develop our mental strength and mature mindset, so that when life suddenly hits us hard we don’t crumble to dust but recover from the blow and keep going.

Resilience