Hurt1234 Posted January 4 Posted January 4 He and I have a had history of on and off over the last 4 years. We argued quiet a bit due to my insecurities which developed jealousy on my part. He has broken up with me 5 times in those years due to my, lets say, crazyiness. Three of those times I cracked and reached out to him feeling guilty about my behaviour, we'd get back together. No contact got easier after so many breakups with him, I kept my distance, and he reached out 6 months after another break up, we got back together. It ended 19 months ago. I'm not sure who broke up with who this last time, but it got extremely toxic and we pretty both much gave up. We had tried for so many years. He reached out this past summer after 19 months apart. His text read "I just thought I would reach out and check in. You were in a dream I had last night, are you good? is everything ok? I hope all is well" He sent that to my cell number as well as my FB messenger. I did not read the one from messenger therefore it still sits unopened and not read on his side. But I did read it through my cell phone texts. Him reaching out brought up all these feelings when I wasn't fully over him. I didn't respond out of hurt, confusion and also like...where the hell have you been for the last 19 months??? I have never received a phone call from him during the last 4 months of not responding to him. He doesn't know if my phone number is still in service and has never called to check. He never reached out for the holidays and I'm left wondering, why did he message me in August? What did he want and why wasn't it important enough to call or message me again when you haven't heard back from me? He saw the crazy in me and he didn't really do anything crazy suspicious, I was just insecure. Why contact me when I became nuts and obsessive? I find myself waiting for him to reach out again. Im at the point where, I've gone back to him so many times, I want him to work to get my attention. Show me something significant. I thought he would reach out for the holidays but didnt...did I ruin my chance by not responding to him this past sunmmer? Any thoughts are appreciated.
Gebidozo Posted January 4 Posted January 4 The question you should be asking yourself isn’t whether you ruined your chance with him, but rather whether you’re genuinely willing to solve your mental issues. Do you really want to change? Have you found a way to become a less jealous person? Are you gaining confidence in yourself? Are you working with a good therapist? After you’ve answered those questions in the positive, you might want to ask yourself whether that man is really the one you see as your long term partner. Has he contributed to the toxicity of the relationships? Will the two of you be able to communicate well with each other, develop a better sense of commitment? Are you aware of the fact that breaking up and getting together 5 times in 4 years isn’t a healthy recipe at all and that something must be done to ensure that this won’t happen again? Once you know the answers to these questions, only if you’re sure that you are actually capable of having a healthy relationship with that man, you can reach out to him. Please don’t play any mind games with him. Expecting him to work to get your attention is manipulative, toxic behavior. 1
Carlston Posted January 4 Posted January 4 Fix the crazy before sharing it with someone else, including an ex.
Miss Chrysalis Posted January 5 Posted January 5 20 hours ago, Hurt1234 said: He never reached out for the holidays and I'm left wondering, why did he message me in August? What did he want and why wasn't it important enough to call or message me again when you haven't heard back from me? He saw the crazy in me and he didn't really do anything crazy suspicious, I was just insecure. Why contact me when I became nuts and obsessive? 1. Was he possibly drunk/high texting? 2. Some men just like crazy. 3. He may have been looking for a hookup (see #1). 1
Author Hurt1234 Posted January 5 Author Posted January 5 Miss C. I'm not sure how to respond to you all individually. He was a never a drinker and he messaged at 6am on a weekday, assuming he was on his way to work. 1
Author Hurt1234 Posted January 5 Author Posted January 5 Carlston, I do not know how to respond to each message individually. I hope you see this. I've changed with the crazy. After 18 months apart I've had time to realize, that the crazy only came out with him. We were in separatable, he never had time to do anything malicious. But those times he wasn't with me I was a nervous wreck, my mind was in overdrive with different scenerios that became real in my eyes. Yes, I was nuts and yes I have been in therapy and have never in the past or currently acted this way. With him, I have acted this way a "crazy" amount of times. There was never any proof of wrong doing. He offered his cell phone a couple of times to prove nothing was happening. He was right. He eventually stopped showing me, I don't blame him. I was the issue, that's why, I'm confused as to why he reached out.
Miss Chrysalis Posted January 5 Posted January 5 23 minutes ago, Hurt1234 said: Miss C. I'm not sure how to respond to you all individually. He was a never a drinker and he messaged at 6am on a weekday, assuming he was on his way to work. Then probably not a drunk text. It's possible he was genuinely worried about you and wondering how you are doing. I think it's more likely he was testing the waters to see if there was any chance left between you.
Author Hurt1234 Posted January 5 Author Posted January 5 Gebidozo, I do realize this has been toxic with several break ups but we somehow keep coming back to one another. Almost like, you want it to work so bad and can't face that fact that it just doesn't work! I've done my work and your questions are valid however I do not have his answers. I know what I have done to change, I'm not sure what he has been working on or not working on, it's been a year and a half that I have spoken to him. I'd feel odd reaching out to him. I made myself look like a fool chasing for far too long, I'm not going to continue chasing again. I'm not going to make that move. He knew how I felt. I never walked away from our relationship. He always did. If he wants me, he will reach out again. I'm left wondering why he reached out, as it's been almost 5 months since he sent me that message.
Author Hurt1234 Posted January 5 Author Posted January 5 11 minutes ago, Miss Chrysalis said: Then probably not a drunk text. It's possible he was genuinely worried about you and wondering how you are doing. I think it's more likely he was testing the waters to see if there was any chance left between you. Miss C, that is possible but I havent responded in almost 5 months. If he wanted a chance, wouldn't he have reached out again? Someone mentioned to me that because I had changed my FB profile photo a few months after ignoring him, that he probably saw the photo and either a) assumes I am alive and well or b) assumes he is being ignored since I've been on FB and have not opened his message yet. We are not friends on FB but if he searched me up he would see my photo is changed.
Miss Chrysalis Posted January 5 Posted January 5 4 minutes ago, Hurt1234 said: Miss C, that is possible but I havent responded in almost 5 months. If he wanted a chance, wouldn't he have reached out again? Maybe, maybe not. Really too many unknown variables to be able to interpret his motive. How much is it bothering you? The not knowing?
Author Hurt1234 Posted January 5 Author Posted January 5 1 minute ago, Miss Chrysalis said: Maybe, maybe not. Really too many unknown variables to be able to interpret his motive. How much is it bothering you? The not knowing? Of course I want to know. I mean, I'm not a crazy mess the way I was at the beginning of our break up. I can finally function if you can understand that. I want to know yes, but I can't reach out. You can read another reply here stating why. 1
basil67 Posted January 5 Posted January 5 @Hurt1234 The most obvious reason he reached out is exactly what he said: you were in his dream and he wondered if all is well. He was a fool to reach out and stir things up, but he was also a fool to want to get back together after each breakup, so apparently foolishness is his thing. You're telling us that the crazy is gone, but reading your thread, it's clear that you're still capable of winding yourself up over nothing. Just block him and be done with it. I promise you'll feel calmer when when he's out of the picture and you can start a new life no mistakes in it yet 1
Author Hurt1234 Posted January 5 Author Posted January 5 4 hours ago, basil67 said: @Hurt1234 The most obvious reason he reached out is exactly what he said: you were in his dream and he wondered if all is well. He was a fool to reach out and stir things up, but he was also a fool to want to get back together after each breakup, so apparently foolishness is his thing. You're telling us that the crazy is gone, but reading your thread, it's clear that you're still capable of winding yourself up over nothing. Just block him and be done with it. I promise you'll feel calmer when when he's out of the picture and you can start a new life no mistakes in it yet Of course it is having an effect on me however if this was every other break up with him, I would have responded to the message and I would have been chasing him but I kept my distance for 18 months, his message has been left unopened and ignored for 5 months. I have changed myself, but that doesn't mean I don't want him back or at least know where his head is at and what his motive was for reaching out.
Author Hurt1234 Posted January 5 Author Posted January 5 13 hours ago, Miss Chrysalis said: Then probably not a drunk text. It's possible he was genuinely worried about you and wondering how you are doing. I think it's more likely he was testing the waters to see if there was any chance left between you. Exactly, and I wish that was the case but it's been about 5 months that the message has sat unread. I believe one would try to call or message again if they really wanted to, that's why I posted. I feel I ruined my chance to just talk to him. I was a huge problem in our relationship. Parts of me wants him to know I have changed and why I acted that way I did with him. I'd also love to apologize for it all but, I won't reach out to him.
Gebidozo Posted January 5 Posted January 5 14 hours ago, Hurt1234 said: I never walked away from our relationship. He always did. 1 hour ago, Hurt1234 said: that doesn't mean I don't want him back Why would you want back a man who broke up with you 5 times? Do you enjoy inflicting emotional pain on yourself? 2
ShyViolet Posted January 5 Posted January 5 On 1/3/2025 at 11:21 PM, Hurt1234 said: .did I ruin my chance by not responding to him this past sunmmer? What do you mean "ruin your chance"? This guy broke up with you 5 times. In the time you were with him, you and him were constantly breaking up. Anyone with good judgment would take that as a sign that this relationship is toxic and you and him are not compatible. Your behavior was crazy during the relationship, and you claim that you never acted like that any other time besides when you were with him. I'm not sure I believe that, but if that's true then why wouldn't you take that as another sign that your dynamic with him is toxic and this relationship can't work. You shouldn't be entertaining ideas of getting back with him. Leave this in the past.
basil67 Posted January 5 Posted January 5 5 hours ago, Hurt1234 said: Of course it is having an effect on me however if this was every other break up with him, I would have responded to the message and I would have been chasing him but I kept my distance for 18 months, his message has been left unopened and ignored for 5 months. I have changed myself, but that doesn't mean I don't want him back or at least know where his head is at and what his motive was for reaching out. As I said, his motive for reaching out was just a check in because you'd popped into his head. If he's got half a brain, he would not want to return to this relationship, and same goes for you. It was toxic for all concerned
Georgia46 Posted January 7 Posted January 7 Speaking from experience, please avoid anyone who brings out the crazy in you and makes you feel out of control… he’s been gone for 19 months… let him stay where he belongs in the past. you want someone that brings you peace and calmness … not toxic ness. 2
Author Hurt1234 Posted January 9 Author Posted January 9 On 1/5/2025 at 11:08 AM, Gebidozo said: Why would you want back a man who broke up with you 5 times? Do you enjoy inflicting emotional pain on yourself? Yes I get this, I understand completely. I do blame myself for alot of the drama. The toxic traits I had affected us. I'd walk away too if I had encountered myself and the animal I was then. I wonder what made him reach out to someone the way he remembers me. Not many people would
Author Hurt1234 Posted January 9 Author Posted January 9 On 1/5/2025 at 2:03 PM, ShyViolet said: What do you mean "ruin your chance"? This guy broke up with you 5 times. In the time you were with him, you and him were constantly breaking up. Anyone with good judgment would take that as a sign that this relationship is toxic and you and him are not compatible. Your behavior was crazy during the relationship, and you claim that you never acted like that any other time besides when you were with him. I'm not sure I believe that, but if that's true then why wouldn't you take that as another sign that your dynamic with him is toxic and this relationship can't work. You shouldn't be entertaining ideas of getting back with him. Leave this in the past. I agree that we haven't been compatible, it became toxic. I genuinely realize the pain I brought to our relationship. I was difficult to deal with. I suppose I blame myself for being over the top and treating him poorly as well.
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