My_Other_I Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 Have any of you stayed married just because you hated the OW/M and were unable to let go of your SO because you couldn't imagine him/her with the Other Person? Was your marriage bad and going nowhere, and yet the thought of the OW/M having his/her way would keep you holding onto the marriage?
Elena Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 My H has been having sort of an online affair with a woman from his past. I will not hand him over to her. I will stay with him no matter what it takes. I think he is confused and doesn't know what he wants. I'm not going to do anything that could push him away from me and into her arms. My story is here http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t35738/ Good luck to you.
EMJ Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 That's just crazy thinking on the part of the OW/OM. They stay in the marriage for the MARRIAGE. If they hate the other OW/OM it may be because they are trying to make the relationship "more than what it is", have become demanding, are trying to destroy the marriage, or now that they know the OW/OM better they just don't like who they are as a person. They clearly don't want the OW/OM anymore and that person obviously won't accept it. Why would anyone leave a marriage for someone they hate?? I've never seen it happen, and don't know why it would ever happen that way. That does not make any sense at all. Think about it. It just sounds crazy.
Author My_Other_I Posted January 9, 2006 Author Posted January 9, 2006 EMJ, you misunderstood my Q. The Q was if you as a W or a H of a cheater would....not you as the cheater would leave for the OW or OM.
portableversion Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 People stay for more pragmatic reasons. Like financial security, to "keep up appearances", or because of kids. Marriage is lot more than just love and romance.
mopar crazy Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 Have any of you stayed married just because you hated the OW/M and were unable to let go of your SO because you couldn't imagine him/her with the Other Person? Was your marriage bad and going nowhere, and yet the thought of the OW/M having his/her way would keep you holding onto the marriage? At first I tried talking H into staying w/ me. One of the reason was b/c I didn't want her w/ H, but not b/c of my H but b/c of my children. There was no way in he!! I wanted her near my kids and my kids could not stand her to begin w/. I even told my lawyer I did not want my children spending any nights there w/ their father and the OW and he said he could make that legally possible, however I wouldn't be able to have any male friends spend the night w/ me when my children were w/ me. I had NP w/ that. I didn't want to make the M work b/c I couldn't bare the thought of him being w/ her, I accepted that he was going to be, I just didn't want her near my kids, that was the hardest part.
BUTAFLY Posted January 14, 2006 Posted January 14, 2006 Does anyone believe you should stay married because your happy in the relationship...what is this talk of staying married because of appearance....judgement...kids...fincacial ....or out of spite. this is spitting in the name of marriage. EMJ...you don't want to give him up?!? HE is ALREADY GONE. Why force someone with you if they want to be elsewhere. Is it really ok to put your head in the sand and let him have an afair (emotional or phsyica) just because you will feel like you lost some sort of game? I don't get this thinking what so ever. If your H/W doesn't want to be with you/ is not committed then find someone who will. HOW pathetic! go ahead and come up with every excuse you can think of to stay miserable. I think women don't give men enough credit..he is not confused, thats what you say to yourself to make it easier on you. He knows exactly what he is doing and your letting him. GHEEZZZz
Author My_Other_I Posted January 14, 2006 Author Posted January 14, 2006 Does anyone believe you should stay married because your happy in the relationship...what is this talk of staying married because of appearance....judgement...kids...fincacial ....or out of spite. this is spitting in the name of marriage. EMJ...you don't want to give him up?!? HE is ALREADY GONE. Why force someone with you if they want to be elsewhere. Is it really ok to put your head in the sand and let him have an afair (emotional or phsyica) just because you will feel like you lost some sort of game? I don't get this thinking what so ever. If your H/W doesn't want to be with you/ is not committed then find someone who will. HOW pathetic! go ahead and come up with every excuse you can think of to stay miserable. I think women don't give men enough credit..he is not confused, thats what you say to yourself to make it easier on you. He knows exactly what he is doing and your letting him. GHEEZZZz I'm confused. Is that directed to me, or EMJ? I am also confused by what it was supposed to mean. This reply doesn't make much sense to me. Can you clear it up a bit for me? Thanks MOI
EMJ Posted January 14, 2006 Posted January 14, 2006 I never said anything about " don't want to give him up" ? It's not my situation and never would be. You are going off on the wrong person. Please read a little more carefully. I think you are confusing me with someone else. Thanks.
EMJ Posted January 14, 2006 Posted January 14, 2006 If the cheated on person stays in the marriage just so the person won't go to the OW/OM that won't solve anything. When the love, kindness, and consideration are gone from that marriage only hard committed work from both parties will change the siutuation. Maybe some people will attempt that but it's decision making at it's worse. It's desperation that might make someone think that way. That won't change things or improve the marriage, and it's definitely coming from a position of weakness. Hurt people are very poor decision makers as you may have detected from a lot of these posts. Maybe some very weak people will say that, and might even scream it at the husband/wife during a fight, but in reality don't you think they just want their marriages back but just don't know how to do it? Especially if it hasn't been good for a long time?
Merin Posted January 14, 2006 Posted January 14, 2006 The best possible thing to do IMO is... If you've given the marriage/relationship all you've got, you've done all you can do and the other person still isn't giving it all they've got and refuses to meet you half way, then let go, walk away and heal yourself. Sometimes you have to love yourself more then you hate someone else. Besides the point I always find it ironic and interesting that often when the 3rd party involved (OM/OW) finally gets what it is they have wanted for so long they really get it all... keep in mind the person you once loved so much that you thought would never hurt you is the same person that the OM/OW is seeing as well and eventually they will have to live with who that person REALLY is... see where I'm going with this? Not only does he/she get the dinners out or dates and what not... BUT they also get the bad, annoying habits and character of that person as well... like the lying, the cheating, the selfishness... So let his a** go you know? IF she (the OW) can deal with all his bullsh*t then more power to her right? Let her have the dirty laundry, the farting, the cheating (on her) the lying (to her) thats the trick isn't it? the good with the bad and accepting it all. Good Luck
Kat2006 Posted January 14, 2006 Posted January 14, 2006 That would be out of spite and damaging for all parties concerned specifically if kids were involved. Though I am certain the urge to do so in the raw of it would be there. But this too would pass. However no way in H-E double L would I want my children near ow. I am sorry but her morals as well as my H’s would be in suspect. Their relationship no matter if later sanctioned by marriage would never be acceptable because of its unethical beginnings.
lilmoma1973 Posted January 14, 2006 Posted January 14, 2006 I think people stay in hopes it things changing because they love the person and know that it can be worked out with communication and help from a third party, but they both have to be willing to work on it!! Otherwise it will never work
JadeStar Posted January 14, 2006 Posted January 14, 2006 My mother in law stayed in a 53 year marriage in "hopes things would change" they never did. Guess its just a choice like anything else. I will never understand that personally. I guess with my mother in laws situation it just proves some people never give up hope, but looks like people would draw the line someone as far as hope. Jade
brashgal Posted January 16, 2006 Posted January 16, 2006 However no way in H-E double L would I want my children near ow. I am sorry but her morals as well as my H’s would be in suspect. Unfortunately, unless they are also child molesters there isn't much you can do to keep them away from the children. All you can do is continue to exercise your own moral lifestyle and hope that your kids did not get those bad genes from your H.
brashgal Posted January 16, 2006 Posted January 16, 2006 My mother in law stayed in a 53 year marriage in "hopes things would change" they never did. Guess its just a choice like anything else. I will never understand that personally. I guess with my mother in laws situation it just proves some people never give up hope, but looks like people would draw the line someone as far as hope. So for your MIL, being married was more important than being happy. Everyone has priorities.
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