Kengne Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 Since the day I found out my ex-bf M of 4 years was f*cking around, and got another woman pregnant. The baby - a girl - is now 6 mths old. As of TODAY exactly. M and I have not had any contact for almost 1.5 mths. I have no wish to be back with M. I barely think about him. But on the odd day... like today... I remember our rel'ship... the good and the bad (which outweighed the good by faaaar)... and I could just cry. I don't know why M cheated. I know what he told me, but in my heart I don't know how he could LOOK me in the EYE, tell me he LOVED me... and be sleeping with other people behind my back. If that is love ... I want no part of it. Ever. Again. A part of me feels numb... eternally numb. I know, logically yes of course with time etc... I WILL love again. I have no doubt of that. But for now... right now... I just feel emotionally empty. Now I'm sick (been holdin' onto this flu/cold for two weeks now)... so maybe that's a part of why I'm feeling down? I dunno. All I know is my head hurts... and my heart is cold. So cold...cold... THIS IS CRAZY. Crazy. To the outside world my life is 'good'. A large support network/circle of friends... a very very active social life... a decent job... I'm going back to school for physiotherapy... I've just started investing in stocks *WHO HOO!!*... I'm the entertainer, the life of the party, always smiling, Kengne. SMILE for the people Kengne. Smile! Don't let anyone know what's wrong. I can't even talk to my friends about the situation anymore. I've stopped telling them about my personal life period, in attempts to deal with it on my own. It hurts. It's alot to deal with... not all the time, just the odd day where it swells up out of nowhere... and I feel like I can't talk to anyone. Not a damn person. And then there's R... the guy I dated after M... thinking about him hurts too... It's hard to get close to anyone, when I just feel these walls surrounding me and I don't know how get them down or climb over them. I feel terrible for how I hurt R in the past... by keeping ties with M. Unnecessary ties, looking back.. I didn't see it then. When will my heart find a home? I'm so sorry for all of it, and it just hurts thinking about it. I don't want to think abt it anymore. I'm sorry for rambling. I just can't sleep... havent slept well for the past few days now... but I'm taking a sleeping pill again tonight, I'm just real tired... K.
brooke7777 Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 Wow...you've been through a lot this year. I'm sorry to hear about all of your hard times, but think of it this way...in a year from now you can come back and read this post and see how much you have grown as a person, how much stronger you have become, how many people you have helped with your posts. That's a lot to be proud of. I can totally relate to the whole smile part of your post...I would put it in one of those uote things, but I don't know how, haha. I was always the upbeat bubby girl, the one always smiling. I lost htat part of me after we broke up and I don't know if it will ever fully come back. At first, I was a mess..all I did was cry, nothing could make me smile. Now, I am doing somewhat better. I can genuinely smile and laugh. But I feel like I put on a facade. Like I'm totally faking that I am doing ok and that I can't let anyone know what is really going on in my head. And that's hard sometimes. Even though it's hard to open up to people you should get your feelings out. If your friends don't want to hear it, come here. Plenty of people here will listen and provide advice. Well, I hope tomorrow is a better day and I hope you feel better and get plenty of sleep tonight!
sick of it Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 i was the life of the party. i was the center of attention. i was the host with the most, the best friend, the one who could make anyone laugh even if their parents just died. i was the relationship guru. if you had a question, you came to me. that all ended. i moved away from all my friends a week before the break because my ex asked me to. i took a job near her. she broke up with me...dragged it out over 3 months. i couldnt move back because of my job committment. she found someone else and i had to stay here and watch. its incredible how it changes you. how you cry so hard for so long, over so many tings. how your attitude on life changes, how your attitide on love changes. ive bcome very cynical. i dont feel comfortable giving advice anymore because 1) its now usually negative and 2) i couldnt make my own last (5.5yrs). i too have stopped talking about it to everyone. 7 months is a long time. i still feel it. im convinced ill always feel it. i still feel like i would be cheating if i dated someone else. if not on her, id cheat on myself because i still feel for her. it is remarkable however how much my feelings have changed in the past few months. Kengne, youre sick right now. when youre at your worst you feel like youll never feel good again. you dont know how your body got this sick or what exactly is causing it but you get better. in a week or 2 youll be fine. the body does this emotionally too. it has to. its just much much slower. more drawn out. we cant make our nose run on command, but we can think of a memory on command. thats what keeps this "illness" going for so long. i hate this i truly hate this but...TIME TIME TIME TIME. thats all that helps.
JS17 Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 I have no wish to be back with M. I barely think about him. But on the odd day... like today... I remember our rel'ship... the good and the bad (which outweighed the good by faaaar)... and I could just cry. But for now... right now... I just feel emotionally empty. I can't even talk to my friends about the situation anymore. I've stopped telling them about my personal life period, in attempts to deal with it on my own. And then there's R... the guy I dated after M... thinking about him hurts too... I pulled out all of the things that I'm feeling today that you put in your post. (My "R" dumped me though and I was definitely the one that got hurt.) Today is 1 year since the big break up. I was finally starting to see a tiny bit of my former self coming back and I feel like I just got slammed today. I feel like I'm back at day one. I never thought I would ever get cheated on and now twice in one year and one of those times by someone I really loved and trusted. I don't talk to my friends about it anymore, I only talk about it here. I have shut everyone in my life out because I feel dead inside.
Author Kengne Posted January 9, 2006 Author Posted January 9, 2006 Wow...you've been through a lot this year. I'm sorry to hear about all of your hard times, but think of it this way...in a year from now you can come back and read this post and see how much you have grown as a person, how much stronger you have become, how many people you have helped with your posts. That's a lot to be proud of. I can totally relate to the whole smile part of your post...I would put it in one of those uote things, but I don't know how, haha. I was always the upbeat bubby girl, the one always smiling. I lost htat part of me after we broke up and I don't know if it will ever fully come back. At first, I was a mess..all I did was cry, nothing could make me smile. Now, I am doing somewhat better. I can genuinely smile and laugh. But I feel like I put on a facade. Like I'm totally faking that I am doing ok and that I can't let anyone know what is really going on in my head. And that's hard sometimes. Even though it's hard to open up to people you should get your feelings out. If your friends don't want to hear it, come here. Plenty of people here will listen and provide advice. Well, I hope tomorrow is a better day and I hope you feel better and get plenty of sleep tonight! Hi Brooke! Thank you so much for responding. I was really touched reading all the responses. It was just a vent post. I really didn't expect people to respond, but wow. I AM feeling better today. A bit of it yesterday WAS due to my cold/fluish thingy. It has been dragging for almost 2 weeks now and it's quite annoying. But alot of it was just pent up frustration... it'd been almost 3-4 mths since I last just 'let it all out' and let my emotions run freely. I'd been doing such a good job at thinking positive etc.. it just got to be too overwhelming. I had a small cry yesterday. Just a few tears. Not even sure why I was crying!... I just was in what I call 'Overwhelm Mode'. I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't get high so I don't really have an outlet to deal with the pent up feelings. Another reason I was feeling empty yesterday.. well, has to do with that guy R. If you know my story, you know we started things over from scratch... taking it slow.. It's been a little over a month or so ever since we started talking again, just to see where things go etc.. On that front, on the surface - everything is going good. We're talking more.. TRYING to be more open/honest... just hanging out & enjoying each other's company... one step at a time... I feel like I can open up to him - but then sometimes I can't. I feel this resistence within me... especially when it comes to how I'm feeling. I'm working on it... slow & steady wins the race right? lol As for my friends... oh they've told me OVER and OVER again I can talk to them anytime. But I just can't. I literally, cannot. Just mentioning R, or even M in conversation & I internally cringe away from the topic. Isn't that crazy? K.
Author Kengne Posted January 9, 2006 Author Posted January 9, 2006 i was the life of the party. i was the center of attention. i was the host with the most, the best friend, the one who could make anyone laugh even if their parents just died. i was the relationship guru. if you had a question, you came to me. that all ended. i moved away from all my friends a week before the break because my ex asked me to. i took a job near her. she broke up with me...dragged it out over 3 months. i couldnt move back because of my job committment. she found someone else and i had to stay here and watch. its incredible how it changes you. how you cry so hard for so long, over so many tings. how your attitude on life changes, how your attitide on love changes. ive bcome very cynical. i dont feel comfortable giving advice anymore because 1) its now usually negative and 2) i couldnt make my own last (5.5yrs). i too have stopped talking about it to everyone. 7 months is a long time. i still feel it. im convinced ill always feel it. i still feel like i would be cheating if i dated someone else. if not on her, id cheat on myself because i still feel for her. it is remarkable however how much my feelings have changed in the past few months. Kengne, youre sick right now. when youre at your worst you feel like youll never feel good again. you dont know how your body got this sick or what exactly is causing it but you get better. in a week or 2 youll be fine. the body does this emotionally too. it has to. its just much much slower. more drawn out. we cant make our nose run on command, but we can think of a memory on command. thats what keeps this "illness" going for so long. i hate this i truly hate this but...TIME TIME TIME TIME. thats all that helps. Hey sick of it, I am so sorry to see you in pain. I know the feeling. Everyone recuperates at a different rate. You - the host with the most - yup, THAT's me! Always making people laugh or smile, even when I'm feeling like isht. Always! Always going out... smiling... laughing.. I am the Entertainer in my group of friends. Even post-breakup no 1 from last year... everyone (even my FAMILY!) said I took it TOO well - can you believe that? That breakup was a RELIEF. But even relief of a bad thing you are attached to can be painful. Painful relief. What an oxymoron. And then breakup no 2... not painful relief, just painful. Even more painful to find out it was primarily due to my involvment w ex no 1!!! I could slap him (ex no 1). 1 - for cheating. 2 - for indirectly causing my 2nd breakup. But the person I'm most angry with - myself. I know later on today... or even tomorrow... I will feel fine. The emotions will lay dormant. Until the next time I guess. Hopefully later, than sooner. K.
Author Kengne Posted January 9, 2006 Author Posted January 9, 2006 I pulled out all of the things that I'm feeling today that you put in your post. (My "R" dumped me though and I was definitely the one that got hurt.) Today is 1 year since the big break up. I was finally starting to see a tiny bit of my former self coming back and I feel like I just got slammed today. I feel like I'm back at day one. I never thought I would ever get cheated on and now twice in one year and one of those times by someone I really loved and trusted. I don't talk to my friends about it anymore, I only talk about it here. I have shut everyone in my life out because I feel dead inside. Hey JS17... I am giving you a big (((((((((((((( HUGGGGGGGGGG )))))))))))))))) right now. You may feel dead inside today but you are not dead - you are alive, a wonderful beautiful person that has TONS to offer! Please understand that everything you are feeling is normal, but more importantly TEMPORARY. The hearthache, the pain, the emptiness.... all of it is helping you to become a stronger person. Everything that happens happens for a reason, and shapes you into a better person. I know it's hard to see that today - but please always keep that in your upper mind. What has helped me to slowly include people in my life... and not continue to shut them out as I have done in the past... is becoming even MORE involved in my friend's lives. Not just taking a passive interest, but taking an active interest to help them. Helping them helps me deal with my emotions. That's why I post on here. I remember someone once said how could I post & help others when I was in so much pain myself? I told them that's how I deal with my pain/emotions. By not dwelling on it nor giving it a chance to thrive on negative energy. That, and meditation I have found to be really helpful. I'm taking up a class soon. JS17.. you give wonderful advice on here. Please continue to come here.. and post here... because even when you think no one is listening, or no one cares... someone always does. If you ever need to talk, feel free to PM me. *keeping you in my thoughts* K.
brooke7777 Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 I know the whole feeling that you can't talk to your friends quite well. They have told me repeatedly that I can talk to them whenever about whatever...but it just feels fake. They weren't there for me when I needed them and it just feels like they are judging me. They are all living in their perfect happy lives and we are just in totally different places. I too cringe at the thought of letting them know how I am really doing. I just shut them out of how I am really feeling and put on my happy facade. It's hard sometimes. But I guess that's why this place is so great for all of us. It gives us an outlet to let it all out.
Ms_Sweetness Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 I know how you feel Kengne. My ex cheated and had a baby with another woman as well. It has been a year and a half maybe more but it still hurts. The sad thing is I still have contact with him. I know it is a big no no but I do. He claims that he wants me back, but I will never give in .I am seeing other people and they treat me alot better. I just need to leave him alone completely and I don't know how.
Author Kengne Posted January 10, 2006 Author Posted January 10, 2006 I know how you feel Kengne. My ex cheated and had a baby with another woman as well. It has been a year and a half maybe more but it still hurts. The sad thing is I still have contact with him. I know it is a big no no but I do. He claims that he wants me back, but I will never give in .I am seeing other people and they treat me alot better. I just need to leave him alone completely and I don't know how. You will never be able to progress things further with those 'other people' if you are still in contact with your ex, simply because your emotional attention is still held there with him(even if you don't want to get back with him). My ex M said all the same things abt how he was sorry, and wanting to get back. Take it from a junkie - talking to my ex M was like an addiction. UNHEALTHY! Worse, in the process I pushed away my current ex, R who grew overwhelmed/frustrated with my continued interaction w M. It took for R to break up with me to realize how stupid & unhealthy it was to talk to M. Thankfully... R came back, and we are since trying over, starting from scratch... taking things slow & getting to know one another again. For some reason, he was/is patient with the situation. And I am eternally thankful for that. However - those 'other people' may not be as patient / understanding. Good luck with your situation! K.
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