Is PTSD Ruining My Dating Life?

[432973]

I used to be quite good with girls. I’ve been  on plenty of dates and have gotten phone numbers in all sorts of places. Then I got PTSD and my life turned into nothing more than a fight to stay alive. Soon I lost all of my confidence and charisma and became a person I hated.  Needless to say, I was out of the dating scene for a while.

Eventually, I started talking to girls again. My head was a mess at first and I had many disastrous interactions, but with time and practice, I became able to hide my demons as best as I could and keep myself together while interacting. The problem is that nobody has any interest in being with me anymore. It’s not that I say something rude or inappropriate and end up with my face getting slapped. I simply have a good conversation with a girl and when I ask to meet again, either she says no or gives me her phone number and then ghosts me. 

I don’t do anything much different than what I used to do. I am a very extroverted person and I do care sincerely about all the people I meet. Meeting girls usually involves the same things any dating coach or conversation expert will advise: keep the talk positive, focus on the other person and validate/support them, find commonalities, and make myself out to be an interesting person who knows what he wants in life. But it goes nowhere. Last month, I was on a plane and spoke to the girl next to me for several hours. When we landed, I platonically asked if she wanted to get coffee some time. She quickly said no and then hurried off without saying goodbye. Two weeks ago, I again spoke to a girl sitting next to me on another plane ride. Although it was lively and engaging for about an hour or so, her smile slowly faded and she started looking down more and more. By the time we landed, she was practically silent and when I asked to exchange social media, she gave it to me, but did not accept my friend request.

Even girls I knew before the traumatic event don’t want to meet again. I invited out two girls I hadn’t seen in a few years and although we had a nice time, they ghosted me afterwards when I asked to meet another time. Additionally, I had a very dear friend who said I was always there for her in her dark times and that I made her feel loved and protected. I came to have feelings for her and suspected that this was mutual. So when we last met, I tried to kiss her. She pushed me away and sent a text saying she always saw me as a friend. Although I told her that I accepted friendship between us, she  has since ignored all of my messages to her and has only popped up once randomly to say that she still feels bad about my attempt.

I do have a small number of close female friends who are privy to my situation and they have told me that I am not at ease with myself. According to them, that is what drives people away. It’s true that I hate what I have become, but I try my best to hide my struggles as best as I can and appear confident. From what I have been told, I blush from time to time and sometimes have issues with darting eyes, but are these truly enough to make girls completely turned off by the idea of dating me? 

I’m aware that everyone has problems and also that girls can have very strong abilities to sense a man’s discomfort, but still most men can rise above whatever is going on with them and make it to an actual date. Meanwhile, all girls want out of me is nothing more than a brief chat. This girl I tried to kiss was once in an abusive relationship and it took her over a year to walk away. I tried to give her one kiss and now she has severed contact with me. Are some occasional red cheeks or poor eye contact really all that it takes to produce such damaging effects? I have no clue what is happening or what to do. All I know is that if I do not get this corrected, I will die alone.

[ShyViolet]

Girls seem to be sensing that something isn't right with you.  Yes, an inability to make eye contact is very off-putting and gives people the sense that something is off with you.  You are very vague about what issues you have, the traumatic event and the "dark times".  Do you care to elaborate more?  

What are you doing to work on your issues so you aren't walking around with a dark cloud over you all the time?  Are you going to therapy?

15 minutes ago, Museia7 said:

I do have a small number of close female friends who are privy to my situation and they have told me that I am not at ease with myself. According to them, that is what drives people away. It’s true that I hate what I have become, but I try my best to hide my struggles as best as I can and appear confident.

You may be trying to "hide" it, but people can sense it from a mile away apparently.  "Hiding" it is not the answer.  You aren't ready to date if you have serious issues affecting your mental health that you aren't dealing with properly.

[basil67]

Please, please don't go having lengthy conversations with women on planes.  What you're doing sounds so painful to be on the other end of - particularly if they are introverts and can't escape or they've simply had enough of the conversation and you keep talking regardless of all the signs they are putting out.

It's OK to chat with a women if you're somewhere that they can get up and leave, but these women aren't next to you because they want to be.  They are next to you because it's a plane and they can't move away.

 

Edited December 30, 2024 by basil67

[ShyViolet]

25 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Please, please don't go having lengthy conversations with women on planes.  What you're doing sounds so painful to be on the other end of - particularly if they are introverts and can't escape or they've simply had enough of the conversation and you keep talking regardless of all the signs they are putting out.

 

YES... this too.  OP, you kept talking to the woman sitting next to you on a plane, even though she was giving you signs she didn't want to talk and was withdrawing from the conversation.  And despite those signs you asked her for her social media at the end of the flight.  A lot of people would consider that creepy and invasive.  You really need to learn to read people's cues better.

[kiwistwbry]

I have PTSD as well. Not sure what yours is related to, but mine is from a traumatizing past dating experience. I’ve been going to therapy because of it, perhaps you could do the same. It sounds like you’re desperate to meet someone, which is totally understandable, but maybe reach out to women who are also looking for that. I know dating apps suck overall, but I’m currently in a relationship with someone who I met on Tinder, and he’s a great guy. Or seek out meet ups that are put together for those looking to date. Best of luck!

Edited January 1 by kiwistwbry