How to let go of the feeling of rejection and self blame?

[NuevoYorko]

I think you are conflating "self blame" with "being accountable."  

In fact, you are very lax in the personal accountability department.   In one of your last very involved threads,  your "problem" was your ex's response to you.   You did not want to be broken up and he was not interested in being in a relationship with you.  

The entire thread was about your various "unplanned" encounters, trying to plan your time so you might run into him, and an alarming amount of stalking.

You were suffering but, unfortunately, you were the cause of most of that suffering because you would not recognize that all of your chasing, analyzing, and efforts to manipulate were just hurting YOURSELF.  

So - maybe if you'd been willing to take a good square look at your own role in all of that - you might call it "self blame" - but you definitely could have spared yourself literally years of unhappiness.

And, sadly, if you'd have been able to accept "rejection" and allowed yourself to move on, again, you would have spared yourself years of sadness.

So maybe what you need to do is to look honestly at what's going on when you have these bad feelings of self blame and rejection and see if you really ought to be paying attention to them, in order to make good decisions for yourself.  

You do have a propensity to tell yourself a story that will soothe your anxiety ... and the story is false.   

Are you aware of this?   People here know that you do it because you have some really long threads and your narrative of past events will change as the thread gains pages.  

I do agree that you need to learn how to let go of obsessive and intrusive thoughts and feelings, and most of us who have dealt with things like that successfully did what you've been advised to do - therapy.  

That will only work, though, if you're prepared to lay the REAL situations right out there on the table.  No more changing the stories.  Then you will be able to deal with your problems and ready yourself for a relationship with someone who wants to be with you just as you want to be with them - and that can be fulfilling for you.

I hope you will.

[Runninggirl]

On 1/26/2025 at 11:17 PM, stillafool said:

I skipped over this.  In this case you need to get another GP.  I've never heard of a physician to respond to someone this way when emotionally struggling.  Usually they suggest you take anti-depressants.  Did he do that?

No, he didn't offer me anti-depressants. Ive always been quite against taking medications unless its absolutely necessary, but its something Ive thought more about recently, to maybe help with the overthinking and overanalyzing. Im very skeptical though. Also my GP is very against offering medications.

The rules in my country makes it very difficult to change your assigned GP.

Yeah it was a very humiliating experience, I get dizzy just thinking about it. 

On 1/26/2025 at 11:29 PM, stillafool said:

One thing that will help you to not struggle so much when a guy rejects you is to not fall for them so fast.  Hold back your emotions until you get a clear picture that you both are on the same page and even then, wait even longer before you jump in the sheets with them.  If you don't have sex with them, you will get over it faster when or if they ghost you.

I try not to fall for them. I usually never chase them either, Im too shy to approach guys. Its always them who approach me, ask me out for a date, sends the first messages etc. Ive become more and more caution too, like this guy I barely dared to take any initiative, I always tried to make it very chill and not go too fast. 

Tbh Ive never been one to catch feelings from sex so much, I mostly catch feelings for guys when I feel validated mostly through small gestures or if I feel like we are bonding or have things in common, humor and similar interests, or small things like they're not that into drinking etc, and automatically I can start seeing a future with them. That's where I fall. When I can imagine being with them on weekdays after work, and just being together. 

On 1/26/2025 at 11:51 PM, basil67 said:

Looking at your title.....Self blame goes hand in hand with regret for our actions, and is important part of personal growth, so can you explain why you want to rid yourself of the feeling?   

Yes, it can take a while to let go of the regrets over our bad decisions.  And sometimes if our actions were foolish/hurtful enough, we need to live with that self blame for the rest of our lives.  It's part of being a human who's capable of growth and self reflection

In all honesty, someone who does not experience self blame is probably a narcissist 

I agree self blame is an important part of reflection. My problem is that I also automatically self blame in situations like this where there was REALLY much I could do different, where someone else behaved badly. Which I think is because its the only way I can feel like I have some sort of control over the situation. Its easier to blame oneself than really seeing other people for who they really are. 

So for instance in the situations like this I dont really feel the appropriate anger towards the guy, instead I internalize it and think about all the "what ifs" that would have MAYBE led to them not meeting, so maybe it would have been different etc. And then I blame myself for not doing things differently for a potential different outcome. It doesn't matter how bad the guy acts, most of the time I can't stop the analyzing in my head what I could have done different.

And then I bring that into the next relationship, where I try to adjust for my previous mistakes (like for instance maybe being too cold and expect little and not take initiative so much), because Ive previously carried the relationship and the guy didnt show much interest. So I never really have fully "clean sheets" with a new guy. Im not able to let things go, because I blame myself TOO much. 

[basil67]

5 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

My problem is that I also automatically self blame in situations like this where there was REALLY much I could do different, where someone else behaved badly

I'm trust there are instances of this in your past history.  However while you've been posting here, I haven't seen bad behaviour on the part of any of the guys.  Just disinterest, which you refused to recognise.    And getting hung up on someone who's not interested IS something to self blame over

[NuevoYorko]

You know, OP, that when people are dating, and either or both of them decide it's not what they want, they are 100% allowed to break it off.   I agree that the way that this guy did it was not honorable, but these things happen, and yes, it's painful.   

You seem to think that once you have a guy paying attention to you, if you just play your cards right, he will be there forever.

That's not how it works for anyone, unless it's people who agreed to an arranged marriage or similar.

[Runninggirl]

10 hours ago, basil67 said:

I'm trust there are instances of this in your past history.  However while you've been posting here, I haven't seen bad behaviour on the part of any of the guys.  Just disinterest, which you refused to recognise.    And getting hung up on someone who's not interested IS something to self blame over

I obviously agree that people are entitled to leave and call it off at any time. But I disagree that there hasn’t been bad behavior. For instance in this situation we had been dating for seven weeks, I had been there a few days in advance of what happened, we had explicitly both said we weren’t seeing other people. He tried to sleep with someone he met out behind my back and keep it from me until he could figure out whether he was more interested in her. I confronted him about acting weird and he claimed he was just overworked. He tried to keep in touch with me after seeing here 4-5 times. 
 

in my book, if you claim that we’re exclusively dating it’s cheating if you hook up with someone else. What if she wasn’t all that and I didn’t find out, and we kept seeing each other and I ended up catching something from him that he picked up somewhere else.

my point is that although I know this is objectively very bad behavior and it’s not my fault he did this, I still can’t stop looking for things I could have done differently. “Maybe if I wasn’t away that weekend he would have been with me and they would never met, so it’s my fault”

[basil67]

12 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

n my book, if you claim that we’re exclusively dating it’s cheating if you hook up with someone else. What if she wasn’t all that and I didn’t find out, and we kept seeing each other and I ended up catching something from him that he picked up somewhere else.

Yes, I forgot this one.  You're quite right

12 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

my point is that although I know this is objectively very bad behavior and it’s not my fault he did this, I still can’t stop looking for things I could have done differently. “Maybe if I wasn’t away that weekend he would have been with me and they would never met, so it’s my fault”

I'm sure you realise that these thought patterns are ridiculous.   But why do you think we would be able give advice on managing this?    Psychology is way above LoveShack's remit

[stillafool]

On 1/29/2025 at 5:17 PM, basil67 said:

And getting hung up on someone who's not interested IS something to self blame over

This^ is what I see in the threads you make also.  They guys are just not interested but you continue to sleep with them hoping they will fall for you, but they just end up ghosting.  So why continue to have sex with men who aren't interested?  

 

On 1/29/2025 at 11:52 AM, Runninggirl said:

Tbh Ive never been one to catch feelings from sex so much, I mostly catch feelings for guys when I feel validated

I don't see where any of these guys have validated you, but you have had sex with all of them.  Why? If you're just horny and need sex just say so.