I don't really love my girlfriend, but what is the alternative?

[stuckwithher]

I will keep this short.

I am a 30 year old man. Relationships have been few and far between for me. I am neurodivergent and struggle with social anxiety. I have also had major health issues (I nearly died) throughout my life.

I have been with my girlfriend for a year now. When I first met her, I wasn't that physically attracted to her, but she had a good personality and i valued the connection we had. I was also very lonely so appreciated the connection. 

However, overtime I feel like i don't really have strong feelings for her. There are a number of things that I feel make us incompatible. I keep thinking about the type of partner I want and it's not her. 

The problem is - what is the alternative for me? I know I how horrible it is for me to be with her just cause i fear being alone , but I generally don't have an alternative. Dating/Relationships have been a graveyard for me. If i break up with her i will be lonely for years.

Also - since being with her, I have grown so much, and even got a work promotion, I feel so much better and happier. 

But on the other hand - I keep wishing she was different and i know i can't change her.

I don't know what to do, please help

 

[basil67]

Yes, it is horrible for you to be with her because you fear being alone.  It's also terribly selfish.   

I think you know the right thing to do

[Gebidozo]

10 hours ago, stuckwithher said:

I know how horrible it is for me to be with her just cause i fear being alone

It’s good that you know that.

You have to understand that staying with her out of fear rather than out of love will make her miserable. 

You do have an alternative, break up with her. And yes, you might end up being alone for a long while, but then again you might not. One thing is certain, staying with your GF without having strong romantic feelings for her is a very bad option.

[fadi20]

12 hours ago, stuckwithher said:

I wasn't that physically attracted to her, but she had a good personality and i valued the connection we had. I was also very lonely so appreciated the connection. 

However, overtime I feel like i don't really have strong feelings for her. There are a number of things that I feel make us incompatible. I keep thinking about the type of partner I want and it's not her. 

You mentioned that when you first met your girlfriend, you weren't physically attracted to her but valued the connection due to her good personality and your feelings of loneliness. Over time, it seems that despite the initial connection, you feel you don't have strong romantic feelings for her and perceive several incompatibilities in the relationship.

Here are some thoughts that might help you navigate this complex situation:

• Assessing Feelings: Reflect on why your feelings have evolved over time. Consider what initially attracted you to your girlfriend and why your feelings have changed.
• Self-Reflection: Take some time to identify the specific areas where you feel incompatible. Understanding these differences can help you assess whether they are deal-breakers or something you can work through.
• Communication: Have an open and honest conversation with your girlfriend about your feelings. She deserves to know how you feel, and you both might find a way to address some of the incompatibilities you perceive.
• Mutual Understanding: It might be helpful to understand how your girlfriend feels about the relationship. Her perspective can provide valuable insights and help you both navigate this situation.
• Acknowledge Growth: Reflect on how you've managed your neurodivergence, social anxiety, and major health issues. Acknowledge the steps you've taken to overcome these challenges and consider how your girlfriend's support has contributed to your well-being and growth.
• Support Network: Lean on friends, family, or a therapist to help you process your feelings and provide perspective. They can offer valuable insights and support during this challenging time.
• Personal Growth: Consider the growth you've experienced since being with her. Sometimes, relationships help us grow in unexpected ways, and this can be a positive aspect to focus on.

Ultimately, the decision is yours, and it's important to prioritize your well-being. Remember that it's okay to seek happiness and fulfillment in your own way, even if it means making difficult choices.

[stillafool]

15 hours ago, stuckwithher said:

However, overtime I feel like i don't really have strong feelings for her. There are a number of things that I feel make us incompatible. I keep thinking about the type of partner I want and it's not her. 

Lett her go so she can eventually be with a man who adores her and knows she's his type.  That will free you to find a woman you're compatible with and in love with.

[ShyViolet]

You know you don't like her that much and don't feel compatible with her, but you are essentially using her just because you don't want to be alone.  Do you think she would want to be in a relationship knowing that the other person doesn't actually like her that much and doesn't feel a connection?  The alternative is that you end the relationship, and work on yourself.  You are acting as if your only two options in life are to stay in this relationship, or to be alone forever.  That is a false choice.  You don't know this to be the case.

[NuevoYorko]

I understand that you've had a tough go in life so far with your health issues and loneliness, but that does not set you apart from general morality.

Being with a person that you do not have feelings for just to spare yourself the discomfort of loneliness is not the way that a stand-up person behaves.

Do the right thing. Don't 'use' people.   Your future life is likely to reward you for it.  Either you will meet someone who likes you and you also like back, or you will learn how to live a good life unpartnered.