kjdriver Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 New to the boards, thrilled to have found it!! Anyone, here is my situation. I have been with my guy now 10 years nearly. We have two kids, we never married. Our personalities are very similar and we have always been close. Don't get me wrong, we have our rough times but for the most part, we still love each other. Just before Christmas I was told he would be leaving. He wanted to wait a few months to leave but I suggested that if he was going, not to postpone it and hurt me more than necessary and go on Boxing Day. It was a rough Christmas but before he left he told me what was going on in his mind. He says he has never been happy in his life. Never. He said he needs to get his stuff together and figure out why his mind is racing all night. He said, that yes, I have had some to do with it but not all. He said that if when he has gotten it together, I have managed to get my end together, he most definitely will be back here. He said he loves me and that we are closer than any couple he has seen out there and hopes we can reunite in the end of all of this stress. He started off couch hopping at friends homes until he can find a place in February. The last week though, he has slept here. He used the couch the first night but since he has been next to me in the morning. When he is here, he is checking my call displays, hitting my redial. Generally he seems concerned I may be moving on. Why would that be? He asks me alot of questions about my plans, etc. I have not even considered anything at the moment. I am still taking it a day at a time just waiting for a signal or sign that tells me what to do. Wait and try or move on. I want him to be the man of my life more than anything but he doesn't know how long it may take and I worry that if I wait, he may move on and I will have only postponed the hurt. Anyone have any ideas, or suggestions. Any advice? I need an unbias opinion.
incognito Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 I'm confused...what is the reason he's up and leaving after all this time, despite wanting to stay together in the end?
riobikini Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 This man is not just walking away from a gf...he is walking away from a life partner AND a family. There is something more going on. Try to keep your heels cool and just wait to find out for certain what that 'something more' is. Keep posting in this forum, -it sounds like you could be here for awhile. Take care. -Rio
Author kjdriver Posted January 9, 2006 Author Posted January 9, 2006 His reason given is this. He is not happy with any aspect of his life right now. He hates his job, he hates his car, the house, and I think me, lol. He has always been hating things in his life, one thing or another. Why? I dont know but it is something in his head. Nothing I can do to help him in that aspect. It is like a mid life crisis almost. He has all these ideas on what he is going to do. He is going to quit drinking, quit smoking, and if you can believe it, he wants to join a band!! He is 27. He says he looks at where his life is now, and he doesn't like it. He says he doesn't like who he is right now. Don't get me wrong, he has problems. We met when we were in our late teens and have been together since. We had both dated prior but we have been companions for a long time. I am only 26. I know what I am feeling is love, not fear. I have a great job, he is great with his kids and I am one of the strongest people I know. I am confident I will make it through but what we have is so close it is hard for me to understand. I grew up in a wierd family. My dad controlled my mother. Everything was his call and I moved out of their home at 15. Been on my own since and have done great but the funny thing is, I have become my father in a sense. I like having things my way, not some of the time, but all of the time. I don't think before I do things, speak or get angry. I have stuff I need to get together too but he doesn't think he can do his changing here. Hardest part is, if he does change or figure things out, I worry he won't be back and I will have lost my best friend. No one is closer to me than he is. My closest friends are being great and saying nothing to sway me but at teh same time, I do want advice. Thanks for any advice you can give me because I need to see all aspects of this before I make the decision. I am sitting tight and looking confident, for him anyhow. I have told him I don't want this and I love him but this is for him to decide. I don't want him to stay if it is wrong for him. I want him to be happy. It's just hard. Michelle
salmagundi Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 Based strictly on what you written I can maybe try making a guess. And I think it will be a good guess. If I was with someone from my late teens to the age of 27 I might feel like him no matter how happy I was in my relationship. I think there is a really excellent chance that he feels he is missing out on what most of us guys spend our twenties doing. Sowing our wild oats, living for our own impulses, moving around, doing different things in short living life with no constraints. When you live your twenties like I did (largelt unattached and irresponsible) when you approach thirty you start to reevaluate and...well... you find your old impulses replaced by a desire for more stability...as in a more stable relationship. But if you live your twenties in a state such as his (stable relationship, stable life, responsibilities,kids) you can see how he might be looking for the opposite of what I am. A taste of freedom, the chance to change his life and experience more. He has a common law wife and two kids. I bet he is really happy about all this on one level, but I bet he sees his friends (esp his guy friends) living for the moment and unburdened by all the responsibilities he has (responsibilities that I can only imagine, I'm in my early thirties and I dont have any of that going on. I do what I want. I live how I want. He might want to as well. Lets say I'm right. I dunno if I am, its just a guess after all, but anyway...what to do? That I cant answer. One could say "back of, give him some time and space to figure himself out...but he isnt just a boyfriend, he's a father too. At this point I'm out of my depth... anyway, thats my two cents, for what its worth, salmagundi
riobikini Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 I read your posts all over again, -plus the new one. It sounds as if he is lacking the full monty of male confidence. He needs to be the 'boss'...but he needs the right stuff to be the boss with. If he doesn't have the education or the skill level he needs to accomplish often manly thought of tasks such as being noted the 'breadwinner' or the 'head of household', it's possible he may have just fallen into a sense of uselessness, and feel as if he's drowning at the same time. He's lacking a sense of male accomplishment, perhaps, and is probably wondering where his life is going, and how did he wind up here (meaning with a family), so suddenly? Confidence is something he's going to have to build no matter where he goes, or who he chooses to make a life with. If it's not dealt with, he'll always wind up coming back to the problem, and hopefully, if this is truly pegging what's going on with him, he's better off to face it, and do something about it, now, while his family is still young. You may have to back off from being Madame Boss, some. And put your skills and knowledge into being more supportive and encouraging in order to contribute to building some of those first shreds of new confidence in him. If his earning capacity turns out to be part of the problem, enroll him back into college and point him in the direction of a higher degree with larger earning capacity. You'd be surprised at how this can positively affect a life...and a relationship...especially one with children. Keep posting. Take care. -Rio
Author kjdriver Posted January 9, 2006 Author Posted January 9, 2006 I read your posts and It gives alot of insight I can't get myself. Yes, I have often thought about how all of this responsibility has been on his shoulders. Our kids aren't young. They are 8 and 5. I had my daughter at 17. We have done it, regarding our ages and on our own and raised two great kids. He is a great father. Right now our arrangement is I work mon - fri mornings and he works evenings. While I work, he takes the kids to school and then comes to grab me from work (I don't have my full license yet-now I better hurry, lol) and then goes himself. He hasn't let the kids miss him, thank goodness. I respect him for that. I have alot of changing to do and I am proud of how I behave when we are around one another. I try to give him his space, I do NOT ask him what he does or where he goes. Nothing. I am trusting what he is saying is truth. What choice do I have until I have reason to believe otherwise. While I had the kids early, I never felt like I was missing out. For goodness sakes, both of the kids will be out of the house by the time I am 40. I will have the opportunity to do all of the things I may have missed. But I do think Kevin sees things differently a bit. I know he loves his kids, and would not regret them but we have few friends with kids. Our friends are just starting to get married. He is always wanting hugs and has told me I make him feel comfort when he is around me. I want him to be at ease and get his head together no matter what the end result. I hope for a future for us but it is hard to say. No matter what I think we will love each other in a special way forever even if we aren't together. We have done what others said we couldn't and we did it in style. On occassion, twice weekly we get to talk about where we are. Sometimes when I express my feelings, and let him know he will always be my best friend he cries. I have seen him cry so few times that I feel so bad for what he is going through. I feel guilt for my mistakes. I know I made them. I have been retraining myself each day to try to change my behaviors and learn to think before I react, speak, anything really. Anyhow, enough rambling.
Author kjdriver Posted January 9, 2006 Author Posted January 9, 2006 His job is a good one. Great benefits, very flexible hours which is good for the kids and a great pay. He makes more than I do. I think he is depressed and doesn't know why and is grabbing at straws right now. He just came here, I started a new thread regarding his visit. Very interesting. It just shows where his feelings lay. I can't really say too many bad things about him. He is just screwed up and off track. I hope he figures it out for his sake. I love him enough to let him go.
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