Two Single Parents, Very Different Custody Plans

[kiwistwbry]

I’ll try to keep this brief. I’m a single mom to a 15 year old boy. My boyfriend is a single dad to a 10 year old girl. Everything is great between us, been together 5 months. Taking things one step at a time. Have not introduced kids or ex wife/ex husband.

My ex husband lives in South Korea and I have sole custody. The rest of us live in Washington State, and my boyfriend has 50/50 custody with his ex wife who both live in the same city. I’m further up north an hour away.

My boyfriend mentioned that his ex wife wants to change school districts by the time their daughter starts middle school about 1-2 years from now. This is also around the time he and I would be considering moving in together if all is still going well between us.

He told me that in order to keep 50/50 custody, if his ex wife ended up moving, the next step would be for him to also move to where she is. And that if he and I move in together we could find a place within 30 minutes of where she lives, but no further.

I’m struggling. Thoughts on all of this? 

Edited December 29, 2024 by kiwistwbry

[basil67]

2 hours ago, kiwistwbry said:

He told me that in order to keep 50/50 custody, if his ex wife ended up moving, the next step would be for him to also move to where she is.

Is this location mandated by the courts or your partner's preference?

What are your concerns about moving an hour away from where you live?   Obviously there would be issues with your son and school locations, but is there anything else to consider?

[kiwistwbry]

39 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Is this location mandated by the courts or your partner's preference?

What are your concerns about moving an hour away from where you live?   Obviously there would be issues with your son and school locations, but is there anything else to consider?

There is no mandated location. This decision would be based on where the ex wife wants to move, and if my boyfriend is on board with the location then he would move there as well.

My concern is not with moving, it’s having the ex wife dictate the location and my boyfriend going along with it to “keep the peace and 50/50 custody that’s arranged to be every other week.” 

I’m also concerned that if she’s controlling the location, will she want to move again at some point in the future, expecting us to follow yet again.. and will he have the same reaction as this time..

It concerns me that he and I wouldn’t be making the decision as a couple for where to live because we’ll be at the mercy of his ex wife for 8 years until their daughter is an adult..

Edited December 29, 2024 by kiwistwbry

[basil67]

Have you expressed these concerns to him?  If so, what does he say?

[kiwistwbry]

37 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Have you expressed these concerns to him?  If so, what does he say?

My concern is not with moving, it’s having the ex wife dictate the location and my boyfriend going along with it to “keep the peace and 50/50 custody that’s arranged to be every other week.” 

- He has said he isn’t going to agree to a location where we don’t want to live, that he will then take it to court, but he has also said if his motion is denied that he will do whatever it takes to regain 50/50 custody…

I’m also concerned that if she’s controlling the location, will she want to move again at some point in the future, expecting us to follow yet again.. and will he have the same reaction as this time..

- He says he won’t allow multiple moves, because it’s not good for their daughter, but his comment to do whatever it takes to keep 50/50 is my main concern because seems to affect everything no matter the original result.

It concerns me that he and I wouldn’t be making the decision as a couple for where to live because we’ll be at the mercy of his ex wife for 8 years until their daughter is an adult..

- He said he’s willing to negotiate/compromise on where for us to live together, but that maintaining 50/50 custody is top priority…

[basil67]

All of his plans are perfectly understandable.   Perhaps you need a partner who has no ties to children?

[Sony12]

Rather you like it or not your bf's ex is the mother of his children and she is a higher priority now than you are in everything outside of going on date nights. His focus should be on his children and if he wants to do what he needs to do to keep 50/50 custody then you should not interfere. If it doesn't make you two compatible dating partners than so be it. If what is best for his children doesn't align with you two dating each other than you two simply aren't compatible.

[Gaeta]

You don't know him enough, have not dated long enough to be involved in this. This is 5 months dating, not 5 years. Let him make his own decision. You are not done getting to know this guy. For all you know this relationship may be over by Easter.

I am sure the mother does not change the school district for fun. 

Also, moving in with a bf is not the only goal worth living for in life. It's not a race. Take your time. 

Edited December 29, 2024 by Gaeta

[ShyViolet]

I don't even know why you are talking about moving in with this guy that you have been dating for 5 months.  This is all way too much.  You've been dating this guy 5 months.  That is such a short amount of time, you are still just getting to know each other.  You shouldn't be getting yourself all involved in this.

In any case, when you decide to date this guy you accept that he has this baggage and this situation.  His kid will always have to be his priority.  You don't really have a say in that.  Your choices are either to accept this situation or distance yourself from it and walk away.  You can't change it.

[Sony12]

Lots of people change school districts for their kids. Her wanting to move her kids to a different school and him wanting to follow in order to stay in his daughters life is completely reasonable and it's what loving parents do.

 

[Amanda logan]

12 hours ago, kiwistwbry said:

I’ll try to keep this brief. I’m a single mom to a 15 year old boy. My boyfriend is a single dad to a 10 year old girl. Everything is great between us, been together 5 months. Taking things one step at a time. Have not introduced kids or ex wife/ex husband.

My ex husband lives in South Korea and I have sole custody. The rest of us live in Washington State, and my boyfriend has 50/50 custody with his ex wife who both live in the same city. I’m further up north an hour away.

My boyfriend mentioned that his ex wife wants to change school districts by the time their daughter starts middle school about 1-2 years from now. This is also around the time he and I would be considering moving in together if all is still going well between us.

He told me that in order to keep 50/50 custody, if his ex wife ended up moving, the next step would be for him to also move to where she is. And that if he and I move in together we could find a place within 30 minutes of where she lives, but no further.

I’m struggling. Thoughts on all of this? 

It’s completely understandable that you’re feeling conflicted about this situation. Blending families and navigating custody arrangements can be challenging, especially when they have the potential to impact your own life and that of your child. Here are a few thoughts to consider:

Your boyfriend’s desire to maintain 50/50 custody is commendable and shows his commitment to being an active parent. It's likely very important to him to remain present in his daughter’s life, which is a positive quality in a partner. However, his commitment to this arrangement could influence your future plans together.

Since you live an hour away, think about how moving closer to his daughter’s mother might affect your son’s life, including his school, friendships, and stability. Would it be feasible for you and your son to relocate, or would this create significant disruptions? Your son’s well-being should remain a top priority as well.

This is a good opportunity to have an open and honest conversation with your boyfriend about long-term expectations. Key topics might include:

How you both envision your living situation evolving.

Potential compromises (e.g., choosing a location that works for both families).

The timeline for making decisions about moving.

It may be worth exploring whether his custody arrangement could adapt in other ways if relocation becomes an issue. For instance:

Could the 50/50 schedule change slightly to accommodate a middle ground?

Are there other school districts that could be a compromise for both parents?

Five months into your relationship, it’s great that you’re discussing future possibilities, but it’s also early to make definite plans about moving in together. It might be helpful to continue taking things one step at a time to ensure you’re building a strong foundation before making significant life changes.

Blending families often requires flexibility and compromise. While it’s important to think ahead, some decisions (like where his ex-wife will move) are not set in stone yet. Being prepared for different scenarios can help you feel more in control as things unfold.

Ultimately, this decision will depend on your values, your son’s needs, and your ability to find a solution that works for both you and your boyfriend. It’s a lot to balance, but taking a thoughtful, step-by-step approach will help you navigate this complex situation.

[Lotsgoingon]

Sounds to me that you worry that your bf has a weak spine when it comes to dealing with his ex. I get that for you the issue isn't that he has an ex. The issue is that if the ex throws out an idea, your man jumps. 

Very reasonable and sane worry,. No need to decide anything now. But your mission in the stage of the relationship is to pay attention to bf to see if your worry about his inability to stand up for himself is real. 

Blunt question: has he showed a weak spine with you?

[smackie9]

The incompatibility is already there...he lives an hour away from you. It's a no brainer that this will not work.

[introverted1]

In the US, the common custody arrangement is that the parent who wants to move has to get permission from the other parent or else has to stay put.  So is it that your bf's divorce decree lacks this common clause or that he is willing to accede to whatever plans his ex makes? 

[Sony12]

9 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

In the US, the common custody arrangement is that the parent who wants to move has to get permission from the other parent or else has to stay put.  So is it that your bf's divorce decree lacks this common clause or that he is willing to accede to whatever plans his ex makes? 

Their daughter going to a different school very well may be in her best interest that they both agree with.

Also wonder if the OP might be a little more serious about the relationship than he is.

[introverted1]

7 hours ago, Sony12 said:

Their daughter going to a different school very well may be in her best interest that they both agree with.

I agree.  But the wording of the OP made it sound as though he had to move as a condition of maintaining 50/50 custody, which would be quite unusual in a US divorce decree:

20 hours ago, kiwistwbry said:

My boyfriend mentioned that his ex wife wants to change school districts by the time their daughter starts middle school about 1-2 years from now. This is also around the time he and I would be considering moving in together if all is still going well between us.

He told me that in order to keep 50/50 custody, if his ex wife ended up moving, the next step would be for him to also move to where she is. And that if he and I move in together we could find a place within 30 minutes of where she lives, but no further.

What I'm wondering is whether OP's bf is being transparent about why he would be moving. It could well be that she is more invested in the relationship than he is. 

[Sony12]

@introverted1 Almost seems to me that she might be bringing up the idea of them moving in together and he is responding 'Yeah.......but.......this might happen'.

[Gaeta]

My ex husband and l had a 50/50 custody and we lived 5 hours apart. When you count all the weekends, summer vacations, holidays, spring break, you get the 180 days you need for a 50/50 agreement.

l find this a lot of drama over a 30 minute drive difference. 

Edited December 30, 2024 by Gaeta

[Amanda logan]

It’s a good sign that your boyfriend is open about his co-parenting dynamics and is proactive about discussing the potential impact on your relationship. This reflects his commitment to being a present father and to keeping you informed.

His willingness to relocate to maintain 50/50 custody shows his dedication to his daughter’s well-being. This is a core part of his identity as a parent and reflects his values.
Co-parenting often requires compromise to ensure the best environment for the child, which might mean flexibility on his part — and potentially yours.

Your Son: Consider how moving closer to his ex-wife’s area would affect your 15-year-old. At his age, stability in school, friends, and community might be crucial.
Your Life Setup: Think about how relocating would impact your work, support system, and general life rhythm. Is it realistic or desirable for you to move closer to his ex-wife's area?
Relationship Goals: Are you prepared for the compromises that come with blending families and prioritizing co-parenting needs?

Alignment: Do you share a vision for blending your families? If his 30-minute boundary feels limiting now, explore whether it aligns with your shared goals for the future.
Timeline: Two years is a significant amount of time. Use this period to observe how your relationship evolves and whether you’re both comfortable with the potential sacrifices.

Logistics of Moving: Would a 30-minute proximity to his ex-wife be workable for you and your son? Explore areas that might strike a balance between your needs and his co-parenting arrangements.
Custody Dynamics: His ex-wife’s potential move is uncertain. Discuss what the plan would be if she doesn’t move or if the custody agreement changes.

Check-In About Feelings: Share your concerns and feelings about relocating. This is not just a logistical decision but an emotional one.
Explore Compromises: Can you both find ways to make the situation work, such as splitting the distance or finding schools that work for both families?

Adjustments: If the relocation happens, think about how it might affect your relationship dynamic, especially if either child struggles with the change.
Support Systems: Would moving impact your ability to provide stability for your son or lean on your support network?

Blending families and co-parenting are complex, but you’re already taking a thoughtful approach. Continue having open discussions with your boyfriend, reflecting on your priorities, and exploring compromises that work for everyone involved. It’s okay to take your time and reevaluate as circumstances unfold.

[ShyViolet]

5 hours ago, happyhorizons said:

This^ is very good advice/insight to say the least....bravo

Really?  It seriously reads like something that was written by chatGPT

[kiwistwbry]

20 hours ago, Gaeta said:

My ex husband and l had a 50/50 custody and we lived 5 hours apart. When you count all the weekends, summer vacations, holidays, spring break, you get the 180 days you need for a 50/50 agreement.

l find this a lot of drama over a 30 minute drive difference. 

Can you please elaborate more on this? I would love to hear your experience!

[Gaeta]

4 hours ago, kiwistwbry said:

Can you please elaborate more on this? I would love to hear your experience!

There is not much to add. A shared custody is not always 1 week there, 1 week here. It can be calculated by weeks, by months, or by days. Then you divided it in a way that's practical.  Here a 50/50 custody was between 145 days to 180 days. I'm in Canada, might be different for you.

I think you should wait your own child is 18. He's 15 now. In 2 years he'll be out of high school , he can drive himself to college or drive himself to work. Your bf's kids are young, you will have to compromise until they're grown.

You don't need to move in together in 2 years, it could be 3 years, it could be 4. With the number of absent fathers out there You should admire him for making his children a priority.

[kiwistwbry]

Thank you all for your thoughts. We ended up having a really good discussion the day after my post and all is well. I certainly know what it’s like to be more invested than the person I’m with, and I’m glad this man is just as much if not more. He listens when I need to talk, is willing to address my concerns and negotiate/compromise while very much determined to be in his daughter’s life every chance he gets, and I can’t help but appreciate that. I have raised my son alone since he was a year old and I wouldn’t wish that for any child growing up. That being said, hope everyone has a Happy New Year!

Edited January 1 by kiwistwbry

[Acacia98]

On 12/30/2024 at 6:18 AM, Gaeta said:

My ex husband and l had a 50/50 custody and we lived 5 hours apart. When you count all the weekends, summer vacations, holidays, spring break, you get the 180 days you need for a 50/50 agreement.

l find this a lot of drama over a 30 minute drive difference. 

Wow... was that five hours by car or by plane? I'm curious about how the commute would be managed, especially on weekends, but please don't respond unless you want to and feel it's relevant to helping OP put her situation in perspective.

[Acacia98]

On 1/1/2025 at 7:36 AM, kiwistwbry said:

Thank you all for your thoughts. We ended up having a really good discussion the day after my post and all is well.

(...)

That being said, hope everyone has a Happy New Year!

Glad to read that.

Happy New Year.