4 failed relationships in a year and struggling to cope

[MoonBaby15]

Hi everyone,

Sorry if I make mistakes, english is my 2nd language.

I just want to talk about being so infortunate in relationships and personal life. I dont know why it happens and how to cope or overcome it.

I am 31 years old and in the past year I have been actively trying to build a relationship. I been open to meeting new people, I went out regularly and generally tried to be socially active. Last year at about the same time I broke up with my bf because after 6 months of dating, I realised that he was an alcoholic and I couldnt live with that. This year I've dated 4 people and shortly, that's what happened:

1st one turned out to have erectile dysfunction even though he was only 33

2nd one didnt want to spend regular quality time together and was always talking about how busy he is (35 yo)

3rd one turned out to be married and manipulative and tried to pull me into his family drama (39 yo)

4th was good to me and everything went really well but lately he encountered some really serious health issues that has affected all areas of his life (51 yo)

So everything I have tried to do failed, I am alone during the festive season and I jsut feel so sad. I dont know what else I can do, I guess I maybe just have to accept that I will be alone for the rest of my life? I really dont know...

[BaileyB]

I’m very sorry to hear that you’ve had a difficult year. Dating can be very discouraging, I agree. 
 

40 minutes ago, MoonBaby15 said:

I guess I maybe just have to accept that I will be alone for the rest of my life?

It does feel this way sometimes, I understand. But, you would be wise to avoid this kind of catastophising. Just because these relationships did not work out does not mean that you will be alone for the rest of your life. You are only 31 years old. 

My best advice would be to invest wisely - be selective in who you date because there are a lot of men out there (as above) who are not worth your time and emotional energy. You seem to be overinvested in these men when these were not great opportunities. 

It also wouldn’t hurt to take a little time for yourself - don’t date for a while, just do what brings you joy and spend time with family and friends who love you. When you are in a better place, that’s when you look for someone else to date.

The holidays are hard when you are alone. Best wishes. It will bet better, it just takes time.

Edited December 25, 2024 by BaileyB

[Sony12]

Generally speaking this is often a situation of people not looking in the right places to find a series relationship.

You mentioned one was an alcoholic Another one you mentioned how he didn't want to spend quality time together so chances are he was just looking to get laid. Another one you mentioned ended up being married.

You clearly are just not attracted (or at least you aren't dating) men that will bring the potential for a serious relationship.

There is a clear through line for most of the men you mentioned and that is that they were men who simply weren't available to you.

It's a common problem people have because things that are difficult are often more attractive to us then things that aren't.

 

 

 

Edited December 25, 2024 by Sony12

[MoonBaby15]

2 hours ago, BaileyB said:

I’m very sorry to hear that you’ve had a difficult year. Dating can be very discouraging, I agree. 
 

Thank you for your kind words, I think you are right about overinvesting.

I will think about it and see how I could overcome it.

[Gebidozo]

The very first thing you just do is be okay with the fact that you’re alone. Alone on Christmas, alone for a year, single for the rest of your life. You have to stop needing men. Because it is only possible to build a great relationship when you’re independent and don’t need another person to fill some void in your life and cure your loneliness.

Once you reach that level, you’ll be attracting more mature, stronger, more independent men, and you’ll have less problems finding good matches. Obviously, nothing will be guaranteed even then, but if you have the right mindset you won’t be panicking and desperately needing guarantees.

[MoonBaby15]

53 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

Generally speaking this is often a situation of people not looking in the right places to find a series relationship.

 

I just don't know where else to look for good relationships, because I met these men through different places.

The alcoholic one I met through a dating one, the 1st I met through shared hobby, 2nd one I met through a networking event and we were just friends for 6 months prior to starting a relationship, 3rd one (married) I met through a hobby (playing guitar) and the last one is an owner of a music bar that I been going to regularly for the past 2 years.

I usually don't take much initiative at the beginning of a relationship and let the man show their sympathy, so in all of the cases listed I was not the one who initiated.

The only common thing apart from them not being fully available is that 3 of these 5 are either pro musicians or work in the music industry. 

[MoonBaby15]

9 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

The very first thing you just do is be okay with the fact that you’re alone. Alone on Christmas, alone for a year, single for the rest of your life. You have to stop needing men. Because it is only possible to build a great relationship when you’re independent and don’t need another person to fill some void in your life and cure your loneliness.

Yes, I been told before that you got to be ok being alone. It is definately hard for me because due to life events I was quite isolated during me teen years and I don't want to be alone anymore after already being alone for such a long time. And also I really want to have kids and I feel like my time is running and it puts extra pressure on trying to sort out relationships. Thank you for your advice.

[Sony12]

1 hour ago, MoonBaby15 said:

I just don't know where else to look for good relationships, because I met these men through different places.

The alcoholic one I met through a dating one, the 1st I met through shared hobby, 2nd one I met through a networking event and we were just friends for 6 months prior to starting a relationship, 3rd one (married) I met through a hobby (playing guitar) and the last one is an owner of a music bar that I been going to regularly for the past 2 years.

I usually don't take much initiative at the beginning of a relationship and let the man show their sympathy, so in all of the cases listed I was not the one who initiated.

The only common thing apart from them not being fully available is that 3 of these 5 are either pro musicians or work in the music industry. 

Might be best to not look to musicians to find what you are looking for romantically. Most musicians aren't really leading the most stable of lives.

 

Edited December 25, 2024 by Sony12

[Gebidozo]

7 hours ago, MoonBaby15 said:

Yes, I been told before that you got to be ok being alone. It is definately hard for me because due to life events I was quite isolated during me teen years and I don't want to be alone anymore after already being alone for such a long time. And also I really want to have kids and I feel like my time is running and it puts extra pressure on trying to sort out relationships. Thank you for your advice.

You don’t need to explain why you don’t want to be alone. Most people want to be with someone. It’s okay to keep wanting to find someone, but you have to understand that fear and pressure only make it more likely that you’ll find someone who is wrong for you. Because it’s usually the wrong sort of men that is drawn to insecurity, weakness, loneliness, and despair. 

[stillafool]

8 hours ago, MoonBaby15 said:

The only common thing apart from them not being fully available is that 3 of these 5 are either pro musicians or work in the music industry. 

This is probably your problem right here.  Musicians are notorious for being players and not very reliable partners.   Are you only interested in men who are in the music industry?

[MsJayne]

Sorry to hear you've been on your own during the festive season, that's always hard. With the type of men you've had involvement with, the bad news is that the older you get the narrower the field becomes, as you head towards forty a lot of guys you meet are the ones that no one else wanted because they're a faulty unit, or they're players, or they're divorced and bitter, and they often come with baggage that you don't want in your life, like for instance kids who resent you simply because you're breathing. So I fully understand your concern that you won't meet someone, especially since it sounds like you put yourself out there and meet people through different avenues. I can only say persevere, but maybe be a bit more selective in the early stages, give them a good, hard vetting before you get intimate and form a bond. Make your values clear early on and if theirs don't align you know not to waste precious time  .