She tells me she loves me, wants sex, but not a relationship?

[MrCam]

I've met a girl and we have been on a very intensive month of flirting, sex and intimacy. 

I'm coming out of a 6 year relationship and it's been a very hard 6 months. Then around a month ago I met a girl who blew my mind. I've always been with submissive girls but this girl is both submissive and dominant. It's very scary for me, but she's pretty amazing.

One thing is she's half my age. I'm in my early 40s and sfe is in her early 20s. 

I've been very open to a relationship but she has been very bad at showing feelings most of the time. Only at night and texts is she honest and normally it's only texts, though recently she's been very submissive at night and open to talking about feelings.

Yesterday she told me she "loved me" in a text, which was very shocking. I may not have reacted perfectly. Mostly because saying "I love you" is very important to me. I don't want to say it if I don't know I mean it. But I do want a relationship.

I questioned her after and now she seems to not want a relationship but wants to continue whatever it is we're doing. We spend at least 9hs-12hs together daily for a month now.

Basically she said she's not ready for a relationship, but she wants to continue sleeping together and doing almost everything a relationship is but without calling it one. Going on dates, hanging out with friends as a couple, staying over my place every night, 

I'm very confused. 

I think I messed up and didn't react well to her saying "I love you"

Do I settle for this as it's basically a partnership but without the agreed title? I fear it means she'll just find someone else.

[basil67]

When someone says they are not ready for a relationship, what they are actually saying is "I don't want a relationship with you".   Thing is, you're 20 years apart so she's managing your expectations.   Also, ignore her comment "I love you".  She probably means it to a degree, but not enough to form a future with you

 If you're looking for a long term partner, she's not the one.  But if you want to have a fun time with her for a while, it sounds like she's up for that.  

[ExpatInItaly]

You two are going to crash and burn. And you will be the one who gets hurt. 

It's only been a month, you're spending all your time together, acting like a couple, but she also was honest that she doesn't want to get serious. Dude, pump the brakes here. It's all way too much, way too soon,  even if she hadn't told you she doesn't want a relationship. Pace yourself. For her, you are Mr. Right Now, but not Mr. Right. The age gap is too much at her age, even if she hasn't said so. 

Have fun if you want, but don't place you bets on this lasting longer than a few months. She will bounce when she is done playing boyfriend-girlfriend with you. 

[Gebidozo]

Unfortunately, as @basil67 says, “I’m not ready for a relationship” is usually code for “I don’t want a relationship with you”.

The amount of time spent together, intensity of dating, sex, sleepovers, social activities, etc., are all secondary factors here. If a person honestly says “this is not a relationship”, you better believe them.

I’m probably the last person on this forum who’d lecture you on the dangers of large age gaps between romantic partners. I’m nearing 49 and my fiancée is going to be 31. But I used to date a girl in her early 20’s when I was in my early 40’s, and let me tell you that there is a huge difference. She is just very young. Many such young women simply don’t yet understand what they really want. 

Try to lower your expectations here. You might get hurt if you let yourself to fall for this girl so hard at this point.

[Els]

13 hours ago, MrCam said:

I've always been with submissive girls but this girl is both submissive and dominant. It's very scary for me, but she's pretty amazing.

You're dating a woman who's half your age and whom you are spending 9-12h a day with after knowing her for a month... but the part that you find scary about this whole thing is the fact that she's a switch???

Quote

 

 Basically she said she's not ready for a relationship, but she wants to continue sleeping together and doing almost everything a relationship is but without calling it one. Going on dates, hanging out with friends as a couple, staying over my place every night, 

 

I notice that you said that "staying over at YOUR place every night". How did you meet this girl? Is she still in college, or working, etc? Why don't you ever go over to her place? Does she HAVE a place to stay at otherwise? Are you paying for 100% of the things you two do? What's the deal with her parents, does she ever talk to them, do they know about you?

There's a ton of red flags here IMO, and her not wanting a relationship is the least of it. But there's a lot of information here that we don't have.

Edited December 23, 2024 by Els

[smackie9]

I think she is being very guarded. So it's up to you if you want to invest and see where it goes....just be prepared for the strong possibility she just disappears. As the song goes "we are here for a good time, not a long time". 

[ShyViolet]

You've only met this girl a month ago and she's staying over at your place EVERY night?  And she's half your age and says she doesn't want a relationship?  This all sounds very off.  It sounds like she might be using you for a place to stay.  I'm guessing you are probably paying for everything when you go out?  Why would you let some early 20's girl who you've only known a month basically move into your house.  This has red flag written all over it.  How much do you really know about this girl?  If she's staying at your house for 9-12 hours a day she must not have a job or any other responsibilities.  Is she homeless or something?  Use your head here.

[BaileyB]

On 12/23/2024 at 12:21 AM, MrCam said:

Do I settle for this as it's basically a partnership but without the agreed title? I fear it means she'll just find someone else.

Many in the younger generation dates much differently than we did - that is clearly evident if you read this board. 

If you want to have a relationship that looks and feels like a mature relationship, you had best choose someone who is not in her early 20’s and still exploring/learning about life. if she sounds confused, it’s because she may well be confused. Either that - or she knows exactly what she wants and it’s not a committed relationship in the way that you know a mature, committed relationship. 

Edited December 24, 2024 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

On 12/23/2024 at 12:21 AM, MrCam said:

I'm coming out of a 6 year relationship and it's been a very hard 6 months. Then around a month ago I met a girl who blew my mind. She has been very bad at showing feelings most of the time. We spend at least 9hs-12hs together daily for a month now.

Basically she said she's not ready for a relationship, but she wants to continue sleeping together and staying over at my place.

I echo the concern here - you are fresh out of a long relationship, that would be a huge red flag to me. But the bigger red flag here is the fact that you are one month into this thing and you have moved way too fast. Where are the boundaries in this relationship - why are you spending some much time with this woman? Do you not work? Why is she crashing at your place all the time? I would advise you not to asses this woman or this relationship based on how sexually open and adventurous she is - as they say, you need to think with your big head, not your little head…

[ExpatInItaly]

11 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

 If she's staying at your house for 9-12 hours a day she must not have a job or any other responsibilities.

I'm wondering about this, too. 

OP, do you work? How do you have that much time to spend with her every day? Unless you're including overnight hours, but it's still a lot for someone who has a life outside the relationship. 

[MrCam]

On 12/23/2024 at 7:25 PM, Els said:

You're dating a woman who's half your age and whom you are spending 9-12h a day with after knowing her for a month... but the part that you find scary about this whole thing is the fact that she's a switch???

I notice that you said that "staying over at YOUR place every night". How did you meet this girl? Is she still in college, or working, etc? Why don't you ever go over to her place? Does she HAVE a place to stay at otherwise? Are you paying for 100% of the things you two do? What's the deal with her parents, does she ever talk to them, do they know about you?

There's a ton of red flags here IMO, and her not wanting a relationship is the least of it. But there's a lot of information here that we don't have.

For me, yes, get being a switch is very different. It seems to be her big interest though.

She's in university. She lives with other people in Uni. They don't allow people to stay in the house she's in.

I met her randomly while out eating and we started talking. Then we went to see a movie and hit it off.

She's very big on paying for her own things. She's from a wealthy family and rarely lets me pay for things that she wants.

I have no idea if her parents know. She lives in a whole different city to them. I briefly met a sister.

[MrCam]

On 12/23/2024 at 7:25 AM, basil67 said:

When someone says they are not ready for a relationship, what they are actually saying is "I don't want a relationship with you".   Thing is, you're 20 years apart so she's managing your expectations.   Also, ignore her comment "I love you".  She probably means it to a degree, but not enough to form a future with you

 If you're looking for a long term partner, she's not the one.  But if you want to have a fun time with her for a while, it sounds like she's up for that.  

I fear you're right. Thank you for your direct reply. I'll just take it for what it is. Though I think I'll find that difficult.

[MrCam]

On 12/24/2024 at 3:44 AM, ShyViolet said:

You've only met this girl a month ago and she's staying over at your place EVERY night?  And she's half your age and says she doesn't want a relationship?  This all sounds very off.  It sounds like she might be using you for a place to stay.  I'm guessing you are probably paying for everything when you go out?  Why would you let some early 20's girl who you've only known a month basically move into your house.  This has red flag written all over it.  How much do you really know about this girl?  If she's staying at your house for 9-12 hours a day she must not have a job or any other responsibilities.  Is she homeless or something?  Use your head here.

No. She has a place..a pretty nice place at university. She's also got money and rarely lets me pay for anything.

She mostly finishes Uni around 1-2pm and comes over. I don't live far from her university or her house. She doesn't work but gets money.

[MrCam]

16 hours ago, BaileyB said:

I echo the concern here - you are fresh out of a long relationship, that would be a huge red flag to me. But the bigger red flag here is the fact that you are one month into this thing and you have moved way too fast. Where are the boundaries in this relationship - why are you spending some much time with this woman? Do you not work? Why is she crashing at your place all the time? I would advise you not to asses this woman or this relationship based on how sexually open and adventurous she is - as they say, you need to think with your big head, not your little head…

I think you're right here. Maybe more so with this girl. 

[MrCam]

16 hours ago, BaileyB said:

I echo the concern here - you are fresh out of a long relationship, that would be a huge red flag to me. But the bigger red flag here is the fact that you are one month into this thing and you have moved way too fast. Where are the boundaries in this relationship - why are you spending some much time with this woman? Do you not work? Why is she crashing at your place all the time? I would advise you not to asses this woman or this relationship based on how sexually open and adventurous she is - as they say, you need to think with your big head, not your little head…

I guess you have shown me how little I have thought about it. I think I'm do used to being in a relationship that it's kinda all I know. 

I work but I can pick when and where. I mostly work at home and while she's here. I've taken a lot less work during my breakup too.

After reading these posts I think it's obvious I shouldn't be looking for a relationship with her. I'm going to try and just take it for what it is.

[MrCam]

13 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I'm wondering about this, too. 

OP, do you work? How do you have that much time to spend with her every day? Unless you're including overnight hours, but it's still a lot for someone who has a life outside the relationship. 

I do work. She's in uni. I've taken on a lot less work since my breakup but I can easily work whilst she's here and I do. 

[BaileyB]

5 hours ago, MrCam said:

After reading these posts I think it's obvious I shouldn't be looking for a relationship with her. I'm going to try and just take it for what it is.

I think this is wise.

You are fresh out of a long term relationship. There is no need to rush or  commit to another relationship…

[dancehead]

I would say that she is young, she doesn't know what she wants at this stage in her life, especially with uni and all. I wouldn't read too much into the I love you thing, because the words are used so casually these days they have become meaningless. If you take the I love you thing seriously that lowers your wall to a barrage of hurt that may come in the future from her or any other girl. You are fresh out of a long term relationship. Take it for what is is, enjoy it. You have a younger woman wanting to be with you a lot of the time, that means you are doing something right. Do not get too hung up on future plans with her.  In these things there are often games as you push away from her she will want you more. Lots of women like not to label the relationship as one because they don't want the pressure of commitment, yet want all the benefits of one at the same time while wanting to keep her options open. Enjoy it but understand it may not last too long, but you never know... but only worry about that if you are still with her a year or more in the future. Good luck.,

Edited December 30, 2024 by dancehead

[MrCam]

On 12/30/2024 at 5:18 PM, dancehead said:

I would say that she is young, she doesn't know what she wants at this stage in her life, especially with uni and all. I wouldn't read too much into the I love you thing, because the words are used so casually these days they have become meaningless. If you take the I love you thing seriously that lowers your wall to a barrage of hurt that may come in the future from her or any other girl. You are fresh out of a long term relationship. Take it for what is is, enjoy it. You have a younger woman wanting to be with you a lot of the time, that means you are doing something right. Do not get too hung up on future plans with her.  In these things there are often games as you push away from her she will want you more. Lots of women like not to label the relationship as one because they don't want the pressure of commitment, yet want all the benefits of one at the same time while wanting to keep her options open. Enjoy it but understand it may not last too long, but you never know... but only worry about that if you are still with her a year or more in the future. Good luck.,

Thank you. Since I wrote this a lot has happened. I did pull away because she's just Very bad at communication and it felt at times like was being used and I just didn't know where I stood. It turns out she has a bad experience and it made her scared of commitment and expressing herself. Since then it's not been perfect. Most days are just a confusing mess. I am definitely not as committed now because she isn't saying what she wants.

The more I've pulled away the more stes tried. It feels bad because I truly don't want to manipulate her, but I also don't want to be used.

I'm definitely enjoying much of this and if it ends I'm ok. I'm not giving her anything like gifts but we do go out a lot. 

This relationship has helped me a lot. Mentally I'm better. I do wonder how ill be when it's over, but I'm ready.

Thank you 

[basil67]

3 hours ago, MrCam said:

It turns out she has a bad experience and it made her scared of commitment and expressing herself

MrCam, this is not your problem. 

Unless you are happy with a messy, noncommittal relationship it's best to move on and find a woman who's got her sh*t together.   

[BaileyB]

6 hours ago, basil67 said:

Unless you are happy with a messy, noncommittal relationship it's best to move on and find a woman who's got her sh*t together.   

I agree completely. 

Staying while it serves you and then leaving (because that will ultimately be the end result because what’s happening here is not healthy or sustainable) will only bring this woman another “bad experience.” You are adding to her trauma by staying - best to encourage her to get some counselling for herself and find another relationship when she is in a healthier place. 

Edited January 3 by BaileyB

[MrCam]

On 1/3/2025 at 1:24 PM, BaileyB said:

I agree completely. 

Staying while it serves you and then leaving (because that will ultimately be the end result because what’s happening here is not healthy or sustainable) will only bring this woman another “bad experience.” You are adding to her trauma by staying - best to encourage her to get some counselling for herself and find another relationship when she is in a healthier place. 

Since reading this and similar messages I've really thought about it. Last night I told her I think it's best we take a break. I don't intend on getting back with her. I explained that I don't think this is good for her or me. I like her a lot, but I think I've pretty much messed it up and this is just going to hurt is both. She left this morning. I'm pretty broken over it tbh but I think it's best.

The crazy thing is today I've had my ex that I've been doing no contact with found a way to contact me. So I have to be very strong right now.

[BaileyB]

I think you made the right decision. 

Best wishes to you.