I don't know how to (or if I want to) persue this paternity issue.

[DerekJ]

Hi, I’m just here looking for people to bounce off given what I’ve found out.

I’m a widowed man with 2 kids. I lost my wife during covid and it’s been hard since then but I was starting to pull my life together.

Mid year my son had a pretty bad accident and long story short during all the tests we discovered that he was not biologically mine. I had my daughter tested too and she’s not mine either. I’ve been in a downward spiral since but I’m trying to hold it together for my kids. Yes, they are mine despite what the tests say. We’re now approaching Christmas and I just feel overwhelmed.

Now the thing is that I still love my wife, well I guess more accurately love and hate her at the same time. I haven’t told my kids, I haven’t told anyone. I’ve questioned that decision but I think I’m just protecting her name and more importantly the kids, they don’t need to know.

I’ve debated asking her sister who was also her best friend, if anyone knows she would know, but if she didn’t know I don’t really want to rubbish my wife in front of her. Her sister has been there for me at every step practically moving in with us and I’m now I’m thinking maybe it’s out of some sort of perverse guilt because she knew.

Anyway, that’s my story. I’m happy to hear what people might think but I’m really just here for some company if things get too rough over Christmas. I have people in my life that will support me in general but none that I can share this with. Sometimes I just need a sounding board or just to vent.

Longer term I realize I’m going to have to resolve this somehow but right now I don’t think I’m anywhere near ready to hear just how bad it might have been and how cluelessly stupid I was.

[Gaeta]

Wow! What a shock that must have been.

May we know how old are your children?

[ShyViolet]

Do you mean you found out your kids aren't biologically yours, but you haven't told your kids, or your wife's sister, or anyone else this information?  You are the only one who knows?

[Els]

Your wife has passed. Knowing any more about this will not help you, because it has no bearing on any future decisions. Even if she was alive and you were together, it would be a questionable choice to pursue it, but it would be understandable because you might need that information to decide whether to stay or leave. In this case there is no decision to make, so why do it?

Also, if you ordered a random DNA test for your daughter out of the blue and she's old enough to know what it is, she probably suspects the reason. So be prepared for questions to come your way.

Edited December 21, 2024 by Els

[DerekJ]

15 hours ago, Gaeta said:

how old are your children?

5 and 11

[DerekJ]

13 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

 You are the only one who knows?

Yes. I would love to know the extent to which I've been a fool but what would knowing achieve? I would really like to know in case it was friends or something and they're still making me a fool now. I don't know how to achieve that goal without making it public and hurting a lot of people. So I guess I just carry the weight myself.

[DerekJ]

10 hours ago, Els said:

Knowing any more about this will not help you

That's what I keep telling myself. I haven't convinced myself of that yet.

I think my biggest issue is not what my wife has done but who she did it with and who knew and helped her cover it up. I don't want those people in my life.

[Gaeta]

4 hours ago, DerekJ said:

 

I think my biggest issue is not what my wife has done but who she did it with and who knew and helped her cover it up. I don't want those people in my life.

I doubt people have helped her conceive children outside her marriage and helped her cover it. Who ever she had sex with probably don't even know they got her pregnant.

Did you have a test done to confirm if both your children are full siblings? 

If l were you l would not let this consume me and let this waste my best years seeking vengeance. You have 2 children and the love you have wins over anything else. 

Have you been talking to a professional about this? You need the guidance of a counseling.

 

[ShyViolet]

Well definitely don't tell your children now.  They are too young to process this information in a healthy way and it would only make them feel like their world is being shattered.  I would tell them when they are teenagers maybe.

[Els]

8 hours ago, DerekJ said:

That's what I keep telling myself. I haven't convinced myself of that yet.

I think my biggest issue is not what my wife has done but who she did it with and who knew and helped her cover it up. I don't want those people in my life.

Why would anyone need to have "helped" her? Most people who have affairs don't enlist the help of their family and friends to make it happen. In most cases the family and friends don't even know.

[DerekJ]

22 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I doubt people have helped her conceive children outside her marriage and helped her cover it. Who ever she had sex with probably don't even know they got her pregnant.

Did you have a test done to confirm if both your children are full siblings? 

If l were you l would not let this consume me and let this waste my best years seeking vengeance. You have 2 children and the love you have wins over anything else. 

Have you been talking to a professional about this? You need the guidance of a counseling.

I don't think anyone played an active role in encouraging or supporting her in what she did but someone would have known and kept quite. I don't want to associate with those people but I don't know who they are or if they even exist. The same for the biological father, how would I know it's not someone from our circle? The though of them sitting back laughing at me eats away.

The kids have separate fathers.

I have not seen anyone about this. I realize I'm going to have to in order to work my way through all this but I don't think I'm ready to really listen yet.

[DerekJ]

19 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

Well definitely don't tell your children now.

In my perfect world I would never tell them. They don't need to think less of their mom. But they do have a right to know and when the time is right it will happen. I have no time frame.

[DerekJ]

18 hours ago, Els said:

Why would anyone need to have "helped" her? Most people who have affairs don't enlist the help of their family and friends to make it happen. In most cases the family and friends don't even know.

Her and her sister were inseparable. Having time to sit and think back there were times she stayed over at her sisters house but little things never added up. It makes me think her sister knew. Or I'm just being a conspiracy theorist and potentially destroying the best friend I have right now. I'm so confused.

[Gaeta]

10 hours ago, DerekJ said:

The though of them sitting back laughing at me eats away

I don't understand that part. Why would this be something people laugh at? If l had a sister that cheated on her husband and got pregnant from an other man l would feel horrified at the situation, my heart would go to that man and his kids. 

If her sister knows she probably kept the secret so she would not lose her sister but l highly doubt this was something she (they) laughed at. She is probably eaten inside by the secret. 

[NuevoYorko]

Are you close with the sister?

[DerekJ]

11 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

Are you close with the sister?

She has been my rock. I don't know what I would have done without her. She been there every step of the way. She's still here as friends and family have dropped away. She's basically moved in here part time, at least 3-4 days a week she sleeps over. She runs the kids around when I'm busy. Sometimes I come home and she's already cooked dinner for the kids and settled them and is cooking dinner for us. She really is my best friend right now. Given we only have a very small two bedroom house she even sleeps in my bed when she stays over, 100% completely non-sexual just in case anyone was wondering.

So yes we are close but I just have this gut feeling that she knew and I can't stand it. I think maybe she's doing what she's doing out of guilt. But I am very aware that if I'm wrong that I may just be pushing away the most incredible human. I know the answer, I need to sit her down and talk to her but the thought of me exposing my wife if she didn't know sickens me.