Guest2 Posted February 4, 2006 Posted February 4, 2006 I think he is protecting YOU and not her. IF he was truly protective over his wife, he wouldn't have had the affair or let her know of the affair in the first place. What he seems to protecting by witholding this information is his mistress. It shows that he still has feelings for her and doesn't want there to be a HUGE mess of things. Omission and dishonesty does not work in rebuilding a relationship. YOU KNOW DARN WELL if YOU were the one having the affair, he'd want to know the SAME ANSWERS. It's better living alone and paying more attention to your kids than distraught and worrying about a cheating husband 24/7 (which can become a full-time job). He's not worth it.
Guest2 Posted February 4, 2006 Posted February 4, 2006 if your h ended the affair with the ow, he most likely felt like a s*** for leading her on and breaking her heart, he probably thinks the least he can do is protect her identity, indeed she probably asked him to. it's a tricky one, although he owes you to rebuild the trust between you and to reassure you, whatever it takes, it does not mean that he does not also owe something to the ow. it may seem hard to imagine from where you are standing, but, if somebody married gets involved in a relationship outside of that, then they are giving somebody else some pretty strong indications that they are no longer interested in continuing a marriage. whilst the other person, should not have entered the relationship, without knowing with 100% certainty that the marriage was over, the married person still owes them something. they have already led them on, now they are going to return to and work on marriage, and then they are going to humiliate you by telling their wife, who is very angry... i dont think this is any indication at all that an affair is continuing, and no indication that he is placing her importance above your own. on the other hand, you want everything out in the light so that you can learn to trust again, and this is also very reasonable. do you think you would feel better if you maybe got to speak with her on the phone without actually knowing her name etc? THE OW made the CONSCIOUS choice of starting a relationship with a married man and should accept the consequences. You are making a possibly false assumption that the OW was "led on", which really in the end makes no difference. He was married and his wife should be the top priority. The wife is entitled to this information, unless the husband still holds the mistress as priority #1 in his life. He didn't care much about YOU, the wife, looking like a fool to his mistress and everyone else who knew about the affair.... but he CARES about how mistress looks??? You don't need him.
Guest2 Posted February 4, 2006 Posted February 4, 2006 This OW might possibly be a FRIEND of yours or someone you know, which you'd be better off knowing was no good. Wouldn't you feel terrible in years to come knowing you're kissing someone's azz and being nice to them for decades before finding out they slept with your husband. It happens!
Guest 3 Posted February 4, 2006 Posted February 4, 2006 Wouldn't you feel terrible in years to come knowing you're kissing someone's azz and being nice to them for decades before finding out they slept with your husband. It happens! i've been jumping all over here reading your posts, seems like you've been there recently. I hear ya though. CHEATERS SUCK!!!!
newbby Posted February 4, 2006 Posted February 4, 2006 THE OW made the CONSCIOUS choice of starting a relationship with a married man and should accept the consequences. You are making a possibly false assumption that the OW was "led on", which really in the end makes no difference. He was married and his wife should be the top priority. The wife is entitled to this information, unless the husband still holds the mistress as priority #1 in his life. He didn't care much about YOU, the wife, looking like a fool to his mistress and everyone else who knew about the affair.... but he CARES about how mistress looks??? You don't need him. the actions of having the affair, are really a very good way of leading someone on. that was my point. it was misinterpreted, possibly seen as insensitive, i was just offering another viewpoint, negative or not, i think this is sometimes helpful in any discussion. besides which, the matter is now closed. he told her who the ow is, have you read the last few posts?
Tina44 Posted February 4, 2006 Posted February 4, 2006 the actions of having the affair, are really a very good way of leading someone on. that was my point. it was misinterpreted, possibly seen as insensitive, i was just offering another viewpoint, negative or not, i think this is sometimes helpful in any discussion. besides which, the matter is now closed. he told her who the ow is, have you read the last few posts? Some women are out just to steal married men etc to boost their self-worth. You read about it all over these boards where some women are just attracted to MM. Not all mistresses are led on. How can you be led on when the husband tells the truth that he is married? If you want to choose to believe the husband's baloney, it's just an excuse to be the OW and have sex with him, but later claim to be the victim in all this. Their fault for getting involved with someone already taken.
My_Other_I Posted February 4, 2006 Posted February 4, 2006 Damn, looks like someone is having a bad day. Now that you know the name of the OW, how do you feel about it? Has it brought some peace in your mind, or has it brought more questions?
erika2610 Posted February 6, 2006 Posted February 6, 2006 Some women are out just to steal married men etc to boost their self-worth. You read about it all over these boards where some women are just attracted to MM. Not all mistresses are led on. How can you be led on when the husband tells the truth that he is married? If you want to choose to believe the husband's baloney, it's just an excuse to be the OW and have sex with him, but later claim to be the victim in all this. Their fault for getting involved with someone already taken. Bad day? Some OW are led on.. believe it or not, there are some MM who don't tell the OW that they're married. It happens. Plus most OW I've known & have talked to, aren't out hunting for MM.
newbby Posted February 6, 2006 Posted February 6, 2006 Some women are out just to steal married men etc to boost their self-worth. You read about it all over these boards where some women are just attracted to MM. Not all mistresses are led on. How can you be led on when the husband tells the truth that he is married? sure this can also be the case. i said i was offering another alternative viewpoint. not the only possible explanation. If you want to choose to believe the husband's baloney, it's just an excuse to be the OW and have sex with him, but later claim to be the victim in all this. Their fault for getting involved with someone already taken. thats just silly. if ow only wanted to have sex with the mm, and saw clearly that he would not leave his wife, then maybe she would see the future clearly enough to calculate this excuse. if that was the case though, there would not be so many ow crying on the ow forum about him not leaving his wife. your name suggests you are a woman, surely you know women well enough to know that they rarely want JUST SEX.
Guest43 Posted February 7, 2006 Posted February 7, 2006 sure this can also be the case. i said i was offering another alternative viewpoint. not the only possible explanation. thats just silly. if ow only wanted to have sex with the mm, and saw clearly that he would not leave his wife, then maybe she would see the future clearly enough to calculate this excuse. if that was the case though, there would not be so many ow crying on the ow forum about him not leaving his wife. your name suggests you are a woman, surely you know women well enough to know that they rarely want JUST SEX. Yes you are SILLY for thinking women can't think for themselves. A man is married, which means there is absolutely NO REASON to think he will be divorcing his wife ANYTIME SOON. Which is why you should wait until he IS DIVORCED if he is serious. A cheater is also a GOOD LIAR. And why the OW believes she can trust this "cheater" is beyond me. It does not matter at all whether she wants emotional or sexual affair.. you know why??? HE'S MARRIED!!! FIND SOMEONE WHO'S NOT TAKEN
erika2610 Posted February 7, 2006 Posted February 7, 2006 Yes you are SILLY for thinking women can't think for themselves. A man is married, which means there is absolutely NO REASON to think he will be divorcing his wife ANYTIME SOON. Which is why you should wait until he IS DIVORCED if he is serious. A cheater is also a GOOD LIAR. And why the OW believes she can trust this "cheater" is beyond me. It does not matter at all whether she wants emotional or sexual affair.. you know why??? HE'S MARRIED!!! FIND SOMEONE WHO'S NOT TAKEN Nobody's calling anybody silly here. And it's really not that simple. Alot of MM are very good at convincing OW that they're terribly unhappy, and that they ARE going to leave the W. OW believe what the MM tells them also because MM are VERY good at lieing and manipulating. It's just not always easy.. it's a very emotional situation. Not always as black and white as people seem to think it is.. People who judge people bother me..
newbby Posted February 7, 2006 Posted February 7, 2006 Yes you are SILLY for thinking women can't think for themselves. A man is married, which means there is absolutely NO REASON to think he will be divorcing his wife ANYTIME SOON. Which is why you should wait until he IS DIVORCED if he is serious. A cheater is also a GOOD LIAR. And why the OW believes she can trust this "cheater" is beyond me. It does not matter at all whether she wants emotional or sexual affair.. you know why??? HE'S MARRIED!!! FIND SOMEONE WHO'S NOT TAKEN you are getting sidetracked from the original discussion. my point was, that the mm, may actually feel guilty and responsible to the ow for leading her on. it really wasnt an argument about whether or not the ow, should or shouldnt have believed him, or was stupid/selfish/crazy/immature/a skanky ho or not, there are enough of those discussions around.
erika2610 Posted February 7, 2006 Posted February 7, 2006 you are getting sidetracked from the original discussion. my point was, that the mm, may actually feel guilty and responsible to the ow for leading her on. it really wasnt an argument about whether or not the ow, should or shouldnt have believed him, or was stupid/selfish/crazy/immature/a skanky ho or not, there are enough of those discussions around. This thread was apparently hijacked a while ago. I think we should just let it go back to what it was intended to be, I know I'm tired of these bashings. I'm retiring from this thread myself
Author SunnyFL Posted February 10, 2006 Author Posted February 10, 2006 Hi, I'm back with an update. I'm not sure what he told the OW but I'm pretty sure that he did not say I will leave my wife for you. I sincerely believe that the two of them were cake-eating - having their spouses at home and getting sex on the side. One main reason why he did not want to tell me her name was because he and the OW were afraid that I would contact her husband and HER marriage would be destroyed. She did not want that which is why she quit work the day we had the 3-way phone conversation. He may have told her some typical lies like "My wife does not understand me..." but I seriously doubt that he would have been making promises about their future together. 1) they worked together and he is the boss which would have made the whole thing scandalous; and 2) I am his 4th wife and I doubt that he is seriously thinking about wife #5. Yes, I know, maybe the fact that he had 3 prior marriages should have raised a red flag with me but I never had any reason to think that infidelity was the cause of his 3 divorces. He fooled me along with my family and everyone else in the community into thinking that he is a person with moral and family values. Now that I know who the OW is and that the affair is over, I am still grappling with the decision on whether or not I should get a divorce. I don't know if I can get over the betrayal of 1) the 1-year affair in our 1.5 year marriage and 2) that, after I found out, he initially chose to protect her over trying to be honest and save our marriage. I think I will start another thread to try to get opinions from you all on this dilemma. Thank you for your responses.
Author SunnyFL Posted February 10, 2006 Author Posted February 10, 2006 In my post above I forgot to say that I also don't know how I can forgive and forget the STD that my husband passed on to me from the OW. It was curable and treatable but I still have a hard time understanding how my husband could continue to cheat on his wife with someone who he knew was skanky. 1
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