Husband refuses to say who the OW is

January 9, 2006

Gosh, Owl is so wise.......

I'd like to add, he gave up the right to not interfere with her life or cause her drama when he started sleeping with her! Obviously he didn't think about the drama before that, so why should he worry about that now??

He MUST tell you. IMO, the cheating spouse should answer ANY question the BS has IF they want to save the relationship.

He is still protecting her and he should be PROTECTING your marriage at this point. I would not be able to move forward with this hanging in the air.

He doesn't want you to know for some reason, and he's playing the hero by not telling you who it is to her. Perhaps she broke it off, and he figured he might as well get back with his wife, but he's further protecting her in case there is a chance to work it out later?

January 9, 2006

LOL...this has been discussed before Mrs. Pixie...Owl is NOT wise!!! (Ask WWIU about that!!!)

If he were wise...he'd have never found himself here in the first place!

Not to mention he wouldn't be talking about himself in the third person!

January 9, 2006

if your h ended the affair with the ow, he most likely felt like a s*** for leading her on and breaking her heart, he probably thinks the least he can do is protect her identity, indeed she probably asked him to.

it's a tricky one, although he owes you to rebuild the trust between you and to reassure you, whatever it takes, it does not mean that he does not also owe something to the ow.

it may seem hard to imagine from where you are standing, but, if somebody married gets involved in a relationship outside of that, then they are giving somebody else some pretty strong indications that they are no longer interested in continuing a marriage. whilst the other person, should not have entered the relationship, without knowing with 100% certainty that the marriage was over, the married person still owes them something. they have already led them on, now they are going to return to and work on marriage, and then they are going to humiliate you by telling their wife, who is very angry...

i dont think this is any indication at all that an affair is continuing, and no indication that he is placing her importance above your own.

on the other hand, you want everything out in the light so that you can learn to trust again, and this is also very reasonable. do you think you would feel better if you maybe got to speak with her on the phone without actually knowing her name etc?

January 9, 2006

So what...EXACTLY...is the H protecting OW from here?

Give it some thought for a moment...

Other than possibly protecting OW FROM the wife, I don't understand this. If he's trying to protect her "reputation"...from who? It's not like anyone has suggested posting her name on a billboard or something. How does telling the wife 'humiliate' the OW?

And honestly, that also to me comes across as part and parcel of getting involved with a MM to begin with. You know that at SOME POINT...this will become knowledge...there's no way he's going to end up with OW without that happening either. This isn't meant as an attack...simply that I can't see how it wouldn't become knowledge at least to all the families involved.

So...not telling his wife benifits OW how? Possibly by keeping the W from attacking her in some fashion...but that's rarely the case in truth, and I'm sure that if they sat and talked about it they could work that out BEFORE it happens.

Not telling the wife benifits ONE person...MM himself. It gives him several things. Potentially keeps his options open to resume the affair with OW. Allows him to avoid dealing with the consequences of the affair with his wife...he simply refuses to talk about any of this it sounds like. And this also lets him keep his methods secret too...in case he decides to do this with someone else or same OW in the future.

This is all why I say she needs to take a stand on this, as I suggested in my previous advice. If she doesn't, this leaves the stage set for this to either continue or happen again.

January 9, 2006

His refusal to tell you means he can escape the consequences of his behaviour. There are inherent risks when you take on relationships of this kind, her husband & the other woman should have understood that before they started. Truth or Consequences. We're all adults here.

January 9, 2006

I agree with what others have said that his "protecting" her is BS. However because the OP doesn't know who she is, maybe its possible either hes feeding her a BS line or hes protecting her because shes say a high profile person, meaning alot of people know her where her job could be on the line. Such as a respected teacher, cop, judge, doctor, lawyer, etc. However reguardless of who she is or why he is protecting her guess he should have thought about that before he did this. Just my 2 cents.

Jade

January 9, 2006

If he isn't going to tell you, then hire a PI.

Everybody else has given you some wonderful advice. Stay strong.

Totally agree with WWIU hire someone ...Definitely i would want to know !! I would rather to know than not know.. He could be playing you both and you never know.. Good luck

January 9, 2006

Like everyone else says...

If he seems reluctant to tell, it does seem that he's protecting someone or himself...he should be willing to do whatever you ask within reason to get himself back in your good graces...if not, there's something nagging him. He had the affair for a reason in the first place. Maybe he's just too immature to be a father and husband...or maybe he's just a d!ck. Some guys are, in my experience. I'm so sorry for your situation...good luck in whatever way things come out.

January 10, 2006

do you really want to work on this marriage and be there for someone who wasnt always there for you?

girl, my bags would be packed and i would be gone!

January 10, 2006

He's likely to use the "well, you don't trust me!" tactic on you. Best response is "You're darn skippy, booboo!".

Too perfect!!!

Owl's right....on all counts of course. And while you've had lots of good input on this thread, his is the most concise.

Your experience was a traumatic one. You're husband lied to you and he cheated on you. What's even worse, while you thought you were in a monogamous relationship, he was exposing you to potentially lethal STD's....and THAT my dear, is no laughing matter.

You have the absolute right to expect that your need for full disclosure be met now...BEFORE any further discussion of reconcilliation. If he refuses and the marriage fails, you'll have only lost a cheater and a liar....NOT a beloved husband.

He's still blowing sunshine up your skirts, dear. It's up to you to set the standard of your worth. He can risk it all, and put his fate (and that of the OW's) in your hands....or he can risk NOTHING and take his lumps. With the chips down, he's asking for YOUR trust, but giving you NONE in return.

January 10, 2006

Thank you all for the advice. Last night my husband and I had another round of frustatingly fruitless conversation about this. It's clear that he wants to preserve his secret and his little tie with the other woman even if it means losing his marriage and his family.

I feel like I need to get out of this marriage now because he is sucking the life out of me. I am normally an optimistic, caring, funny person but he wants to turn me into a negative person. He's debased himself and wants to drag me down with him. I can't go on like that. My baby and I deserve better.

January 10, 2006

You need to quit having this conversation with him. Point blank tell him, either you confess all, we get in marriage counseling, or we're divorcing.

Before you talk to him about it, though, see an attorney to see what your legal rights are, how much child support would be etc.

Also, check his e mail accounts, cell phone records, borrow a friends car and have him followed. There are clues somewhere, you just need to look for them.

January 10, 2006

You need to quit having this conversation with him. Point blank tell him, either you confess all, we get in marriage counseling, or we're divorcing.

Before you talk to him about it, though, see an attorney to see what your legal rights are, how much child support would be etc.

Also, check his e mail accounts, cell phone records, borrow a friends car and have him followed. There are clues somewhere, you just need to look for them.

Mz Pixie is so right .. Tell him what you and need from him and if he can't give you and your child what you want then he will have to go .. He can have OW if he can't let go and open up to you..Till he tells it all you will never have your closure.. I don't think he has given up OW otherwise he wouldn't care.. He protecting her for some reason!!!

January 11, 2006

I would not hire a PI because it's not about knowing her identity, per se. It is really about my husband coming completely clean and demonstrating that he has ended it. If he told me the OW's name, I would see that as a small step in him trying to be open and honest with me and not maintaining a secret/emotional tie with OW.

If I hired a PI and found out her name, I would still be left with a husband who refuses to level with me. I also don't want to turn into a shrew detective who has to scrutinize his cell phone, credit card statements, etc. There's a lot of stomach-churning moments involved in looking for evidence of an affair.

I'd rather save the $$ for a divorce attorney than for a PI.

Thanks

January 11, 2006

I would not hire a PI because it's not about knowing her identity, per se. It is really about my husband coming completely clean and demonstrating that he has ended it. If he told me the OW's name, I would see that as a small step in him trying to be open and honest with me and not maintaining a secret/emotional tie with OW.

If I hired a PI and found out her name, I would still be left with a husband who refuses to level with me. I also don't want to turn into a shrew detective who has to scrutinize his cell phone, credit card statements, etc. There's a lot of stomach-churning moments involved in looking for evidence of an affair.

I'd rather save the $$ for a divorce attorney than for a PI.

Thanks

I really feel for you SF and understand your confusion over this.

If he's prepared to lose his wife and child to protect this OW, then I think he's laying his cards on the table.

I read somewhere that OW/OM have been looking through an open door into your life for however long they've been involved with your spouse, and that door now has to be firmly closed. But the BS should then open a window into the OW/OMs life, just to have a nose if you like.

I don't know if it's good advice or not but I followed it as best I could when I discovered my H's affairs. I never actually saw the women in the flesh nor saw a photo of them (thank God). I'm kind of glad I didn't have their annoying faces tormenting me as well! But I did want to know about their lives, and asked my H as many questions about them as I wanted.

Drove him mad of course, especially when I woke him up in the middle of the night to fire a long list of questions at him (thought I'd catch him unawares, thought if I was awake in the middle of the night cos of his lies, why the hell shouldn't he be just this once? He slept like a baby from day one, I've become an insomniac! Wrote down his answers so when he contradicted himself later and denied saying something he'd said, I would know it wasn't me going mad but him lying). It worked btw!

Point is, I didn't always get an answer, sometime I didn't like the answers I was given, but I was so pissed off with him I wasnt scared of losing him and felt that if we were ever going to recover from it (which is what we decided to try and do, and are still trying todo), he was bloody well going to have to put up with me for a while.

The fact they knew so much about not only my H, but knew about me, my marriage, my kids, parents, dogs, cats, holidays, wedding (!!!!!!!), you get the picture, made me determined to know a bit about them before the subject was closed.

I can honestly say that it took a while but I did eventually run out of questions about them. They do eventually cease to be all consuming. And I think it's easier knowing a few things about the OW because very often the imagination can do more harm than reality. I even went and looked at their homes, which a few people here on LS thought was bordering on unhinged and suggested I seek help for without delay! I

nsane it may have been but I have to admit, it gave me some sort of sadistic pleasure sitting outside their houses for 2 short minutes apiece. It didn't become a habit you understand?! lol

Anyway SF, if it matters to you then it matters.

Don't apologise for your pain.

Will be rooting for you hun

veron x

January 11, 2006

Please go to marriagebuilders.com. There you will find wonderful info. Your husband has no right to deny you ANY details. You HAVE to know who it is, and then you have to EXPOSE this affair, TO EVERYONE! His work, her partner(married or not, her partner also has a right to be able to CHOOSE whether or not he wants to continue devoting himself to her) EVERYONE!

They say at marriagebuilders that affairs thrive on secrecy, and removing the veil of secrecy causes the affair to soon crumble. Don't take HIS word that it's over, see to it YOURSELF, and expose thier dirty little secret to all who can hear. It's a proven method. They also have lots of helpful advice for digging up the info you need(ie:her name)

I read an interesting quote the other day: "An affair is NEVER over until both participants live out thier natural lives without contacting eachother."

Oh yeah, one more thing, you have the upper hand here, not him. HE screwed up, HE hurt you, HE should be willing to do ANYTHING you ask of him to make things right for you. -That includes ANY details about the affair you may need to know. Some betrayed spouses need to know ALL the gruesome little things that took place, and that's perfectly natural. And, whether he wants to or not, the cheater must come clean of ANY and ALL questions his betrayed spouse may need to know the answers to. For some of us, making our wayward spouses tell us everything was the only way we had of getting back that which was stolen from us. Anything he gave to OW, time, attention, etc. wasn't really his to give away. It was mine and my kids'. Sometimes the only way is to make him bring you up to speed on all that he kept from you. Painful for both spouses>? Yes, definitely. But it is a pain that promotes healing. That crap is like puss. If you don't sqeeze it out, it will fester and cause you bigger problems later on.

Hang tight. There is a lot of support here, and on marriagebuilders bbs.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

See my picture? Sending you a big hug.

January 13, 2006

Thank you all for the advice. Last night my husband and I had another round of frustatingly fruitless conversation about this. It's clear that he wants to preserve his secret and his little tie with the other woman even if it means losing his marriage and his family.

I feel like I need to get out of this marriage now because he is sucking the life out of me. I am normally an optimistic, caring, funny person but he wants to turn me into a negative person. He's debased himself and wants to drag me down with him. I can't go on like that. My baby and I deserve better.

You think you feel better when you know her name, hair-colour, shoe-size, whatever ?

You won't.

He said it is over, if you can't start to trust him like this (and he said, he wants to work on your marriage, the work is not over revealing OW's identity), don't you believe a simple name would increase that trust.

He made a mistake, either you believe him and save your marriage or you can't go on with it, but OW's identity won't help you there.

January 14, 2006

I don’t think you should know who she is because it would be easier for you to heal and stay with him together. I think it will be more torturing for you if you decide to stay with him if it is somebody you know.

My husband is cheating right now and I’m trying to put a face on the OW, since I can’t my imagination does not allow me to drive me crazy.

Why do you want to know what difference would it make? So you can compare yourself to her or see what she looks like or see how different she is? Isn’t it already enough that he broke the bond between you and him?

I’m trying to figure that out for myself, but in my case my husband has no interest in reconciliation. I’m trying to figure out when should I give up and get a divorce.

I hope some of you look at my thread so I can heal faster.

January 15, 2006

You've all missed SF's point: it's not about knowing her shoe size, clothes size whatever. It's about knowing whether or not her husband can be honest with her and knowing that he has closed the door on her. At the moment he is protecting the OW, not his wife.

Incidentally, the OW will already know plenty of things about SF. It is a really creepy feeling knowing that someone out there knows a lot about your life and you know nothing about them.

I agree with Nicholas, Lady Jane etc that if he does not reveal her identity then there are still emotions there. I would suspect that it is someone known to you SF. I am so sorry that you are going through this, but I think if he still refuses point blank then there is no point in continuing the marriage.

What he is doing basically is saying "Ok, i got busted but now I want you to sit there like a good little puppy and pretend it never happened". You cannot play ball with this one - it will never work. At the very least SF has to know who her enemies are and who are her friends.

Hang in there SF. You have a right to know, no matter what anyone says.

Syl

January 16, 2006

You wrote that you don't want to make the OW pay for the affair with, say, her reputation. You only want to make sure the affair is over. Therefore you can make the following deal with your husband. He can choose to tell you her name, where she works, how they met, and arrange a meeting with her. In return you will not take revenge on her. If he doesn't agree and you find out who she is, you will take revenge.

Because you suspect they work together, the workplace is the place to find some information. Contact a secretary at his place of work. These ladies keep their eyes on everything, and they must have noticed that your husband has lunch with one woman quite frequently - she may be the OW. It's likely that the secretary will sympathize with you. Because the affair was long, many co-workers must have noticed. These co-workers told their spouses what they know or suspect. When you go to a company picnic, talk with many people, especially with the wives of his co-workers, they may be happy to share some information.

If my wife had an affair, I too would have to know who the OM was.

Good luck.

January 21, 2006

After 3 weeks of going round and round with this argument, my husband finally told me the name of the OW. No wonder he was trying to keep it all a secret. Turns out that she's one of his employees. He's the dept head and she works for him. Even when he told me her name, he was lying and said that she works for a different division in his company and that they had limited contact. The next day I called the General Info number for the company and found out that she works in his dept under him (pun intended) and that they would have daily contact.

Once I found out this info, I decided that there was no way that I could continue in the marriage and sit here and wonder what was happening everyday when he went off to work. I insisted on having a 3-way phone conversation so that I could hear him tell her what he was telling me- that it was over and that they could not continue their affair.

We had this 3-way conversation yesterday. Husband started off by saying that they could not continue b/c he valued me and his marriage and his family. OW stopped him and said that this matter was going to be settled because she decided to quit her job. She and I talked and she acknowledged that the affair has been going on for almost a year and it started 6 mos. after we married and 3 weeks after I gave birth to our baby. She acknowledged the STD that she passed on to me. She said she was very sorry and sounded remorseful and embarassed. She sounded very afraid of me contacting her husband even though I told her I was not interested in doing that. She went in that day to HR and asked for a leave of absence saying that she needed time off.

Bottom line is that I feel assured that the affair is over which I what I wanted from the beginning. The bad part is that my husband and I now have to worry about the possible sexual harassment lawsuit that could follow even though they had a consensual affair but she is now jobless. (I happen to be an employment attorney and know how these things work).

I have not made a final decision about our marriage. I think about our 1 y.o. child but I also cannot imagine sleeping with him again after knowing that he was having unprotected sex with someone else. The issue of marriage counseling is up in the air.

I guess the big lesson here is that the spouses should always trust what the guts are saying.

January 21, 2006

She acknowledged the STD that she passed on to me. She said she was very sorry and sounded remorseful and embarassed. She sounded very afraid of me contacting her husband even though I told her I was not interested in doing that. She went in that day to HR and asked for a leave of absence saying that she needed time off

The bad part is that my husband and I now have to worry about the possible sexual harassment lawsuit that could follow even though they had a consensual affair but she is now jobless.

She quit her job. She has the easy way out. Leaving her job, finding another one and her hubby never finds out the truth. Hello!!! If she decides to go after your H and make a sexual complaint, then TELL HER HUSBAND.

And, if she ever contacts your husband, sees him, emails, whatever, call her husband! End of story. That should be made very clear to this woman.

She has choices, she made hers and she should stick to it.

She may/may not be sorry, but your child lost out the most. She didn't think of that and neither did your husband. I'm sorry that all this has happened to you. And that he put your own health in danger. That's just awful.

January 21, 2006

SunnyFL, you rock! It's great that you found out who the OW was. My wife and I are impressed how wisely you handled the situation. We are sorry to hear that you got the STD through your husband. STDs are an important reason why we steer clear of affairs. Good luck.

January 21, 2006

She quit her job. She has the easy way out. Leaving her job, finding another one and her hubby never finds out the truth. Hello!!! If she decides to go after your H and make a sexual complaint, then TELL HER HUSBAND.

And, if she ever contacts your husband, sees him, emails, whatever, call her husband! End of story. That should be made very clear to this woman.
She has choices, she made hers and she should stick to it.

She may/may not be sorry, but your child lost out the most. She didn't think of that and neither did your husband. I'm sorry that all this has happened to you. And that he put your own health in danger. That's just awful.

I agree w/ WWIU. Plz follow her advice. My H's exOW was also worked under him as his assistant. They worked together for about 3 years then H got promoted to supervisor in the inventory department. He needed a couple of assistance to help him do his job. The exOW was one that applied at he gave her the job. She had been flirting w/ H b4 their A and once they worked directly w/ eachother it gave her plenty more chances to flirt w/ him and persue him. She worked for H for about 2 months b4 I found out they were having an A. It started as an EA that turned into a PA shortly after I kicked him out of our home. Anyhow, they were seeing eachother for about 3 months when he broke it off w/ her to work on our M. About 4 months later she turned him in for sexual harrassment. H hired a lawyer b/c he did not harrass her, we think they fired him b/c he told the truth about the A and he feels like she turned him in b/c she feared he was trying to get her fired, long story. That is why I think your H should follow WWIU advice on this. The exOW could have revenge on him by trying to get him fired.

I'm glad he finally came out and told you who the OW was, you had every right to know. How would you know if anything was going on between them if you didn't know who she was? What if you and your H were out and she was constantly talking w/ him and the whole time you would have no clue he was sleeping w/ her.

I knew the exOW was after my H for a few years b4 their A. I couldn't stand her. She tried so hard to be my friend, made me sick!

Some ppl may tell you that knowing who she is wont solve anything but I think it makes it much easier to find out if it's over w/ if you know the OP.

Sorry you are going through all this, it's not easy.

January 22, 2006

Sorry you are in this terrible situation. I say you should know who the OW is if knowing this will help you put things in perspective and move on. I have experienced the heartbreak of a spouse having an emotional affair with someone and he too refused to tell me who it was. It took months before he told me, and then said it was someone in the same company but in a different town... finally I learned that it was a co-worker in his office. Inch by inch I learned more about this person, but it tore me up wondering about her, is she short, tall, skinny, fat, sharp dresser, slob, pretty, average etc. Every female I saw I would wonder if it could be the one. I personally needed to know so I could stop obsessing and have closure and begin the healing process.

The marriage builders web site helped me tremendously.

Best of luck!

Sign In

Husband refuses to say who the OW is

Recommended Posts

Mz. Pixie

Owl

newbby

Owl

bluechocolate

JadeStar

lilmoma1973

BlacknessOfSleep

penkitten

Ladyjane14

SunnyFL

Mz. Pixie

lilmoma1973

SunnyFL

veronese

monica_was_here

Astarte

brokenherz

sylviaguardian

Presario

SunnyFL

whichwayisup

Presario

mopar crazy

SweetBabyJ

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...