Husband refuses to say who the OW is

[SunnyFL]

Two weeks ago, I found out that my husband was having an affair. I found hotel room charges on his credit card statements going back many months. When I confronted him about the affair, he denied it for 2 days but then admitted to it. We have been together 2.5 years and have an 11-month old son. My husband moved out after 4 days and is living in a 2nd apt that we had vacant and on the market but no buyer so far.

 

My husband says that he's sorry and would like to work on our marriage. However, I can't move forward if I don't know that the affair is completely over. And I don't know if it's over if my husband refuses to tell me who the other woman is. He says that she is a married woman who works in a company near his job. I happen to think that the OW is a co-worker of his but I'm not sure.

 

I have told my husband that I need to know 1) who she is and 2) that the affair is over and that without this info, we will have to get a divorce. He still refuses to tell me.

 

My question to you is: Is it reasonable for me to insist on knowing her name? Is it reasonable for my husband to expect me to work on the marriage w/o providing her name?

[bluetuesday]

yes, it's reasonable for you to know who the other person is. the fact he doesn't want you to know would indicate to me it's:

 

a. someone you know

b. someone he works with

c. someone he's continuing to sleep with

d. a man.

 

an affair destroys, among other things, trust between a couple.

 

it's my opinion that for a relationship to stand any chance of recovery following such a betrayal, the betrayed party needs to feel that the betrayer is trying to be a different person.

 

he was withholding information from you before and he is still doing it. what has changed? he may be being physically honest (i.e. faithful) with you now, but he's not being emotionally honest. he's still sharing a secret with this person that excludes you.

 

i would always advise saving a marriage where possible. but under these circumstances where you feel unable to begin the long process of forgiveness without the information on who he's been seeing, i don't think it's reasonable for him to expect you to work on the relationship to the extent where it could be salvagable.

 

you are the wronged party, sunny. the bulk of the work, at least to get the ball rolling, needs to be his. that he isn't co-operating isn't a good sign about his willingness to put you first i'm afraid.

 

i'm really sorry you're going through this.

[reservoirdog1]

It's absolutely required that you know who it is. You need to be able to avoid that person in future. To say nothing of the fact that there's no way you can trust him again if he's still hiding things.

 

Don't let him move back in until he's told you. And, you shouldn't have to wait forever. I suggest giving him a couple of weeks to tell you, or you start divorce proceedings. Then, carry through on your threat (divorce takes a lot of time, so you can always call it off if he later decides to be honest).

 

In my case, cheating XW didn't want to tell me who the OMs were at first. And she wouldn't have, if a friend of mine hadn't been about to tell me one of them. I guessed another one. She told me the third because I already knew the other two.

 

There's a whole lot about cheating XW's behaviour that I believe, to this day, she only came clean about because she was boxed into a corner. I don't believe she'd have come clean about the cheating if she could have avoided it. It's moot now because we're divorced. But your H has an obligation to be honest. If he won't do that, then forget him and move on.

[JayKay]

I would sure want to know who the OW is, if it happened to me.

 

If my BF/DH told me he couldn't reveal that info, I don't think I'd be able to start moving forward.

I'd HATE to live with the 'not knowing'. I'd wonder about every woman he talked to or was friends with. 'Not Knowing' is a painful sort of torture...

[whichwayisup]

If he isn't going to tell you, then hire a PI.

 

Everybody else has given you some wonderful advice. Stay strong.

[EMJ]

"My question to you is: Is it reasonable for me to insist on knowing her name?"

Why? Do you think it will make you feel any better? Don't you think you it will make you obsess over it and picture them together, even though it's OVER?? I don't think it will help you in ANY way and will only serve to put a face to his mistake that will make you feel worse. If you are willing to forgive him and work on your marriage why would you want this information? You need to be able to put your hurt behind you if you really want to save your marriage.

 

"Is it reasonable for my husband to expect me to work on the marriage w/o providing her name?" YES. Absolutely. In fact it's probably the most healthy thing you could do for yourself. Knowing this extra information WILL NOT help you move ahead. It will likely hold you back.

"I have told my husband that I need to know 1) who she is and 2) that the affair is over and that without this info, we will have to get a divorce. He still refuses to tell me".

 

Again, Number 1 is not at all useful or necessary. Number 2 is absolutely essential and is the real point. You say without this info you will HAVE TO get divorced?? What? He doesn't want to make things worse and knows that you knowing who it is WILL make it worse.

 

He made a stupid mistake. Is it worth your child growing up without a father? I really don't think it is. And it's hard as hell to be a single mom, I've done it and I don't recommend it. Kids need two good parents if at all possible. If he's willing to go to counseling and work on it, that's what you really want and need. This other information cannot help save your marriage. Good luck.

[brashgal]

Having been in your situation I would say that you need to know who it is and if he truly wants to work on your marriage, he'll tell you.

[penkitten]

if you honestly want to work on the marriage then it would be easier not to ask for any of the details. none of them matter.

it doesnt matter who she is , what she looked like, what she smelled like, where they went and those details are going to drive you crazy and it will be harder to work on the marriage.

 

the only detail that you need to know is that he said he was sorry, and may truely be. he fell out of graces and was weak and wants forgiveness and to come home and work on marriage and trust.

the entire problem had nothing to do with you, its not your fault , it was all with himself. nothing drove him to cheat that you did, life and stress that he put upon himself and his own heart and mind gave in to desire and he did it.

 

now you can either forgive him and work on your marriage that you always held true or you can just say that you do not want it anymore, you can not deal with it and you are moving on with your life.

you do not have to stay because you can so make it on your own.

 

however, if your marriage foundation is strong enough to give it a chance, then do it. if you change your mind or he continues the affair you can say so.

 

if he can have free will to have the affair, you can have free will to decide on what happens with the marriage.

 

my best friend went thru this, and thru lots of counciling sessions, she has learned to stop asking for the details because those details are not of importance.

[Nicholas]

Who the person is is not a fluttering detail. It's the most important detail.

 

He's obviously protecting somebody, which means that he values that protection over rebuilding your relationship.

 

I agree with the sentiment of other posters--it's true that details won't help--but the fact that he's protecting her identity is extremely alarming; how has he justified it to you?

[michelangelo]

And if he is like my cheating wife he will try to tell you that he is protecting you.

 

She pulled that for years. Yes, I blew it. I should have pushed harder. By the time i found out, he'd flown the coop.

 

I wanted a confrontation. To ask him what occurred to see it if jibed with what she said.

 

And yeah, I wanted to punch him in the nose or at least make him feel like it was gonna happen.

[EMJ]

I think he is protecting YOU and not her. Why would he need to bring her name into it? The particular SHE is not at all important. He doesn't want to hurt you anymore.

 

Please don't let this stupid regrettable mistake turn you into one of these crazy shrews who check his cell phone and e-mails. They post all over this site and feel justified to do so because they have been hurt. But that kind of action action says "I will not let go, forgive, or move on" it just feeds the anger and resentment.

 

She's done. Over. History that he wants to forget. He says he wants to move ahead. If you really want your marriage you will not need to know anything else about it.

 

I've known people who have made this stupid mistake early in the marriage, like yours, but they valued family and the marriage more so they worked at it. These people ahve been married almost 20 years now and have one of the best partnerships I have ever seen. It took a crisis for them to realize what they would lose if they didn't put it behind them. You and your H could do that too if you really want it.

 

What do you have to lose by trying?

[harleygirl92156]

"My question to you is: Is it reasonable for me to insist on knowing her name?"

Why? Do you think it will make you feel any better? Don't you think you it will make you obsess over it and picture them together, even though it's OVER?? I don't think it will help you in ANY way and will only serve to put a face to his mistake that will make you feel worse. If you are willing to forgive him and work on your marriage why would you want this information? You need to be able to put your hurt behind you if you really want to save your marriage.

 

"Is it reasonable for my husband to expect me to work on the marriage w/o providing her name?" YES. Absolutely. In fact it's probably the most healthy thing you could do for yourself. Knowing this extra information WILL NOT help you move ahead. It will likely hold you back.

"I have told my husband that I need to know 1) who she is and 2) that the affair is over and that without this info, we will have to get a divorce. He still refuses to tell me".

 

Again, Number 1 is not at all useful or necessary. Number 2 is absolutely essential and is the real point. You say without this info you will HAVE TO get divorced?? What? He doesn't want to make things worse and knows that you knowing who it is WILL make it worse.

 

He made a stupid mistake. Is it worth your child growing up without a father? I really don't think it is. And it's hard as hell to be a single mom, I've done it and I don't recommend it. Kids need two good parents if at all possible. If he's willing to go to counseling and work on it, that's what you really want and need. This other information cannot help save your marriage. Good luck.

 

Everyone handles this situation differently and feels differently about it. Some want to know, others don't, it is up to each individual. EMJ it appears to me you have never been on the betrayed end of this situation, or you are a guilty party in this situation, or you are an alcoholic and practicing step nine of the 12 steps, a step I take strong issue against.

It is not up to the betrayer to determine the terms of working on the marriage. It is up the the betrayer to earn the betrayeds trust and one of the things some require is to be told the truth! Not too much to ask.

One of the things to consider is living in a small community and having many others know but me, it was degrading!! My husband, after a year, finally told me the truth, but only after I had secured my own place and he was served with divorce papers. It was that important to me. Within weeks we were working on or marriage in ernst and I feel he is being open and honest with me in all areas. It allowed me to trust him.

Stand your ground, if you require the name of the OW, don't let him come back home until he is honest with you. Give him two weeks and if he doesn't comply, serve him, if he doesn't comply then, you don't want him anyway. I waited way too long to move out and file. Would never go through a year like that ever again!!

You deserve open honesty and if he can't give it, let him go.

[harleygirl92156]

if you honestly want to work on the marriage then it would be easier not to ask for any of the details. none of them matter.

SHE DIDN'T SAY SHE WANTED ALL THE DIRTY DETAILS, SHE SIMPLY SAID SHE WANTED TO KNOW WHO IT WAS AND SHE HAS THAT RIGHT!!

 

AS FOR DETAILS, I GOT DETAILS AND DON'T RECOMMEND IT, DON'T DO THAT!!!!

[EMJ]

Girl, I have been betrayed. I have worked through it. It was very difficult but you learn and move on. I speak from experience. I'm trying to help her move on and spare her anymore pain for the sake of her marriage and child.

 

Calling someone an alcholic and telling her to give him deadlines and ultimatives is very childish, immature, and innapropriate. Your All caps response sounds a bit screaming and irrational. Your accusations about me are extremely silly.

 

How old are you?

 

This person needs help to move on and heal her relationship. Not more drama to keep the hurt alive. This is about being mature and doing what's best for the long term and her child.

[SunnyFL]

The reason I want to know who she is is because I need to be sure that the affair is over. My husband is not providing the reassurance that I need. I do not want the details of their affair (what they did where, when) and frankly, I'd rather not think about those things. I just don't know how I can have confidence that when he leaves the house each morning, he's not continuing or plotting to continue the affair with her.

 

My husband says that he does not want to tell me her name because he does not want to embarrass HER. He says that there's been enough drama these past 2 weeks (mostly me crying) and that there doesn't need to be additional drama for a 3rd person. He's afraid that I will then want to have a conversation with the OW and he's looking out for her and wants to spare her the embarrassment.

 

Eight months ago, my husband contracted a sexually transmitted disease from this woman and brought it home to me. If I could walk around with her STD and suffer the ill effects, I could at least know her name.

 

My husband says that he wants to work on the marriage but he's certainly not acting like it.

[Adunaphel]

I think that it is possible that he might just want to protect the OW's privacy (and not wish to continue the affair), but like other posters I believe that he ought to tell you who the OW is if he genuinely wants to regain your trust and rebuild the marriage.

If I were in your situation, I'd surely need to know, or I would not be able to even try to rebuild the relationship.

 

I'll try to give you some advice, which might be stupid or not realistic, anyway....

 

- tell your H that you do not wish to cause trouble to the other woman.

 

Would the OW's name be enough for you, or would you need a confrontation?

Would you try to contact her?

 

In case you could have a confrontation with the OW, would you be able to keep it in civil terms?

 

In case you need a confrontation, have you considered that the OW might be hurting badly(I know, she knew he was married. Some people whould think she has not even the right to be devastated. but this does not matter now.), might be in love with your H, might *hate*you.

Are you prepared to face such a situation?

If things were as bad as this, it could cause you a lot of distress.

 

Honestly, would you be able not to get some kind of revenge on the OW?

 

- ask your H for reliable proof that the affair is over, and that he won't see the other woman again, not in his work environment, nor in any other environment.

I can't figure out how he might give you such proof without letting you know who the woman is, but one never knows.

Would such a comprimise be okay with you, in the unlikely case such a thing was possible?

[Ladyjane14]

If your husband is "protecting" the OW, then the affair isn't over. Protection indicates there's still emotional involvement.

[Adunaphel]

If your husband is "protecting" the OW, then the affair isn't over. Protection indicates there's still emotional involvement.

 

I don't think it is always, necessarily, so.

 

Sometimes telling your wife the name of the OW might mean to ruin irreversibly the OW's life.

(I am sure this is not SunnyFL's case)

 

I assume that most OW expect MM they are seeing NOT to reveal, ever, their identity to their wives.

 

SunnyFL's H will of course have to make a choice.

I just think that wanting to spare the OW trouble (she could be married, she could not afford to have her reputation ruined) does not _necessarily_mean the affair is still going on, or could go on.

Or that she has ever meant much to him.

(I think any decent person would be reluctant to tell his partner the name of OM/OW, if there is a way to avoid it.

And I'm 100% sure that SunnyFL's H will soon let her know who the OW is.)

 

I almost forgot.... SunnyFL, if OW is not someone you know personally, and if you could be sure that your H won't be in touch with her anymore, would it be okay for you to meet her in person, without knowing her name?

 

Perhaps your H could arrange it, even if it is probably unlikely that OW would agree to it.

[harleygirl92156]

Girl, I have been betrayed. I have worked through it. It was very difficult but you learn and move on. I speak from experience. I'm trying to help her move on and spare her anymore pain for the sake of her marriage and child.

 

Calling someone an alcholic and telling her to give him deadlines and ultimatives is very childish, immature, and innapropriate. Your All caps response sounds a bit screaming and irrational. Your accusations about me are extremely silly.

 

How old are you?

 

This person needs help to move on and heal her relationship. Not more drama to keep the hurt alive. This is about being mature and doing what's best for the long term and her child.

 

I DID NOT call you an alcoholic, I simply stated it may be a possibility as you sound like you are working step nine.

 

My point was, some people can move on without knowing, some can not. I could not and it doesn't sound like she can either. Good for you that you could, and it was easier for you that way. FOR MOST THAT ISN'T THE CASE.

 

I think there should be a deadline because if not this drama could be drug out for months or even a year as in my case. I say get it out, work it out and move on. You can't work on or forgive what is being kept secret from you. If she wants to know, that is her right. If she wants to end the marriage because of it, that is her right. The choices are hers now. He made his now the ball is in her court, so to speak.

 

We disagree and that is ok, doesn't mean we are taking pot shots at each other, simply that we disagree. I am adamant on my stand on this, from experience. Everyone handles things differently. We obviously would handle the situation in completely different ways. That doesn't mean either of us is right or wrong or that either of us is good or evil. We just have different opinions and that is ok!

 

Oh by the way, not that it matters, I AM 50

[bluechocolate]

If your husband is "protecting" the OW, then the affair isn't over. Protection indicates there's still emotional involvement.

I agree.

 

He says that there's been enough drama these past 2 weeks (mostly me crying) and that there doesn't need to be additional drama for a 3rd person.

 

Drama for 2 whole weeks! The poor love.

 

Seriously though, what he said sounds rather heartless & uncaring - towards you. Certainly not towards her.

 

This is an affair, which as you say, has been going on for many months, in what is relatively a short marriage. It's not some drunken one night stand whilst on a business trip. If you want to know who she is then he should tell you.

[Lil Honey]

My husband says that he does not want to tell me her name because he does not want to embarrass HER. He says that there's been enough drama these past 2 weeks (mostly me crying) and that there doesn't need to be additional drama for a 3rd person. He's afraid that I will then want to have a conversation with the OW and he's looking out for her and wants to spare her the embarrassment.

 

This smacks of him insinuating that you are overly dramatic with your crying (as if you aren't entitled) and that he wants his world and the OW's world to remain comfy, without any confrontations, without you checking up on him, etc.

[SunnyFL]

What I would like is to know who she is and for the 3 of us to have a civil conversation where it is made clear to everyone that the affair is over and that our marriage and family is the #1 priority. I do not want to humiliate the OW, notify her husband, or ruin her professional reputation.

 

My husband is protecting her even when he knows that it could end our marriage and our baby will be in a fatherless household. It's as if the baby and I and our family life are expendable. I think he's protecting her because she most likely works with him and it would probably be a scandalous situation if the story comes out. This tells me that he places her needs over the needs of our family. Also, I feel that by not telling me, he is maintaining a secret emotional tie with this woman which is incompatible with me and him having an open and honest marriage.

 

If it is someone that he works with, then that means that he's still lying to me because he said that the OW worked somewhere else. He has mentioned in the past having a female friend at his job. When I discovered the affair, he said that she worked somewhere else before I started insisting on her name and he may now feel like he boxed himself into a lie. Again, I feel like he'd rather walk away from me and the baby rather than come clean. I don't see how I can move forward and try to rebuild trust if there's still a huge black cloud of doubt hanging over our home.

[JadeStar]

If he isn't going to tell you, then hire a PI.

 

Everybody else has given you some wonderful advice. Stay strong.

 

 

 

I was going to suggest this as well, until I saw where WWIU beat me too it. You already know he has, he admitted it etc. Anything that you may have as eveidence as far as cell phone records etc, a PI can tell you who it is, if you're wating to know. I think you have a right to know as well, so looking into the PI thing may be what you have to do to get your answer, because I doubt he will tell you.

 

 

 

 

Jade

[harleygirl92156]

What I would like is to know who she is and for the 3 of us to have a civil conversation where it is made clear to everyone that the affair is over and that our marriage and family is the #1 priority. I do not want to humiliate the OW, notify her husband, or ruin her professional reputation.

 

My husband is protecting her even when he knows that it could end our marriage and our baby will be in a fatherless household. It's as if the baby and I and our family life are expendable. I think he's protecting her because she most likely works with him and it would probably be a scandalous situation if the story comes out. This tells me that he places her needs over the needs of our family. Also, I feel that by not telling me, he is maintaining a secret emotional tie with this woman which is incompatible with me and him having an open and honest marriage.

 

If it is someone that he works with, then that means that he's still lying to me because he said that the OW worked somewhere else. He has mentioned in the past having a female friend at his job. When I discovered the affair, he said that she worked somewhere else before I started insisting on her name and he may now feel like he boxed himself into a lie. Again, I feel like he'd rather walk away from me and the baby rather than come clean. I don't see how I can move forward and try to rebuild trust if there's still a huge black cloud of doubt hanging over our home.

 

I know the feeling exactly!! You do what you have to do to take care of yourself. If you need to know, then know. If he needs not to tell you then he is not being honest and is still hiding something from you. If he won't disclose the name to you then move on.

[Owl]

OK...so here's the thing.

 

Your need to know 'who it is' has more to do with knowing that the affair is truly over more than anything else.

 

Your husband has already demonstrated his willingness and ability to lie to you by having this affair all of this time. Trust is now non-existent. He may TELL you that the affair is over, but you have no real reason to trust him on that. No reason to believe that it's true.

 

If he REALLY wants to work on the marriage, then he needs to take the steps needed to rebuild that trust. Step 1 is demonstrating that the affair is OVER. Most often this can be accomplished by having him write a No Contact letter...let you read it, and then SHOW you that he's given it to OW. (copy you if he emails it to her...send it via registered mail otherwise).

 

Step 2 is giving you all the pertinent information surrounding the affair. How they 'got together', when, how he decieved you all of this time...etc... This includes telling you who she is. You see, it's on HIM to PROVE to you that the affair is over...and if he's not willing to do so, then it's going to be impossible to reconcile the trust...and the marriage.

 

Step 3 would be him then allowing you to VERIFY that that the affair has ended...and has remained that way. Affairs are VERY addictive...it's like withdrawl from drugs. Most of the time, it takes several attempts at NC (no contact) before it sticks.

 

He's likely to use the "well, you don't trust me!" tactic on you. Best response is "You're darn skippy, booboo!". He's destroyed that trust, and he's got to take the steps needed to rebuild it...it takes TIME and WORK. Tell him that point blank.

 

But...he's not taken these steps yet, so true reconciliation remains impossible. Personally, I highly doubt that he's ended the affair.

 

Go take a look at the marriagebuilders.com website for some good information.

 

Don't be afraid at this point to draw some boundaries for your marriage. Make it clear that YOU are the one that hasn't had problems with these boundaries. He's going to act like he's the one who should make all the choices on how this marriage will heal...don't allow that. Let him know he's made bad choices so far...now its YOUR TURN to decide what's going to happen in your marriage.

 

Get yourself to a marriage counselor who understands how infidelity works. Start out by using them as a resource on how to take the steps to fix your marriage...and hopefully your H will join you when he REALLY commits himself to your marriage.