snck Posted January 8, 2006 Posted January 8, 2006 there is this girl i like very much. and i know she likes me very much also. we know each other for several months now and have been going out. we aren't officially a couple yet but we can be right away if i want to. she is very serious in her commitments and i know she wants to have a family at some point. i have a rare neurological condition that causes involuntary muscle movement, however. its under medication and i have no problems now. its not a health threatening condition but more the social stigma of having something like that. there's a possibility that it may be hereditary. i want to tell her at some point, but i don't know when i should tell her. if i tell her now before we become a couple, i don't know if she's ready for it. if i tell her later when we are both deeper in the relationship, she might feel that i misled her. i want to tell her to be fair to her, so if she decides that this is not something she can accept, she can walk away.
JS17 Posted January 8, 2006 Posted January 8, 2006 I think you'll have differing opinions on this because there really isn't a "right" time. You should do what you're comfortable with. My personal opinion is that when you are ready to make a commitment to the relationship, when you're ready to make it official, you should tell her. You want to be with her, you're serious about her but there's something she needs to know before you both commit. Good luck.
bluetuesday Posted January 8, 2006 Posted January 8, 2006 tell her now. i'd want to know. not because it would change my mind about you, but because you having kept something important to you from me would confuse me once i'd found out.
witabix Posted January 8, 2006 Posted January 8, 2006 Agree with JS here on the "right" time. It is a hard one to cover. I understand the implications you have made. I think I would tell her after a few dates and you pick up the vibe that something more maybe in offing. You don't have to walk around with a t-shirt explaining it, and I don't feel you can wait till you are in deeper with her, somehow that doesn't 'feel' fair. You must make your own decision though, based on what you feel is fair, try to reverse it and see when you would want her to tell you such a thing.
loony Posted January 8, 2006 Posted January 8, 2006 If it's hereditary it's serious as it might affect your offsprings. I therefore find it better if you would tell her about it now. I don't like it to be presented to hidden facts when I have committed to something or am at the point of committing. If it's important to her, she might be annoyed that you didn't tell her about it earlier. If you tell her about it now, you will give her the choice to decide if it's something that might pose a problem for her in the future or not before she has invested a lot of feelings in you.
targetbag Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 I think you'll know when the time is right; I also think it's presumptuous for you to tell her right away because it might affect your future children, when you haven't even begun officially dating! My boyfriend has epilepsy, and he told me after we'd been dating for several months, and our relationship was taking the turn from casual dating to serious. I wasn't annoyed that he hadn't told me sooner; I was glad that he was at the point where he felt comfortable and trusting enough with me to let me know.
bluechocolate Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 tell her now. I agree. You've known each other for a couple of months & obviously have feelings for each other. You should be able to share something like this with her. its not a health threatening condition but more the social stigma of having something like that Keeping it secret only adds to that stigma. You don't have to discuss the hereditary aspect of it now, unless of course she specifically asks. The foundation of any lasting relationship is built on trust & communication. The sooner you start building, the stronger it becomes. (forgive me - I seem to be full of platitudes this evening - though I do honestly believe what I've said)
Author snck Posted January 9, 2006 Author Posted January 9, 2006 the heredity part is the most sensitive of it all. if i tell her now, it seems early since even though i like her very much i am not at the point that i can just say 'i am going to marry you and have kids with you'. at the same time, given the sensitivity of the issue, i don't want her to not have the facts either. i am leaning towards telling her the condition, and just point her to the resource the doctor gave me so she can do the research herself. after all, doctor doesn't know if it is hereditary and i am just speculating slightly towards the side that it is, but i don't have proof either. any extra info that i have is also from the resource that the doctor gave me. i will be happy to answer honestly any questions that she has. but i don't want to lead her to the wrong conclusion since i am not sure myself. any opinions?
whichwayisup Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 Many people still get married and have kids knowing if something is hereditary or not. I know 5 people who got married and one side has mental illness that runs in the family, the other knows breast cancer runs in the family. Etc.. etc... What you have is controllable and it's part of who you are. Be honest and upfront with her. Tell her your fears too. She has a right to know either way. I know you're probably worried about reaction, but I think you need to do this soon because both of you are getting more attached and it will be harder to tell her as time goes on.
Author snck Posted January 9, 2006 Author Posted January 9, 2006 interesting i just made the connection that she told me a few days ago she was treating some liver problem and earlier she told me about her mom's liver transplant. i didn't make the connection earlier as when she told me about her liver issues i didn't think a big deal out of it. so i guess she just revealed her familial medical history, similar as what i am trying to find ways to tell her.
almostthere Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 I the bf before my current one had a problem which I think is similar to yours. He had a desease that made his knee go into spasms. At first I was alittle turned away from it because I never had been with anyone who had that happen. I mean we'd be laying in bed and his leg would go crazy. He couldnt hide it from me because it happened every day. He never talked about it and I think that bothered me more. I didnt know what was wrong. One day he told me he had a problem with his nervous system. That he would twitch from time to time. Mostly while he was relaxed. once he told me what caused it I never paid any attention to it. There is so much more to consider about someone then what health issues they have. As long as they arent harmful to me (STD's) what should I care. We were talking marriage and the possibility of having one child together. I have psorasis (I probably killed the spelling) which is a skin desease. However its not bad at all. I just get a dry scalp from it. But it is still something that could be passed on to my children. He never cared. We all have something. Whether its mental, emotional or physical. We all have something. I think you should tell her. If she doesnt understand then its her loss. I know thats not what you want but I really dont feel that she would leave you over it. its really not that big of a deal. the only time I was bothered by my exbf's condition was when he was smoking and his hand would twitch and the cigarette would fall. I just thought that if we were to move in together I wouldnt want him burning anything. So we'd have to smoke outside or in the garage. Thats all.
csfong007 Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 This probably depends on your age as well as the age of your relationship. I am 49 and my boyfriend is 51. I am bipolar disorder. I was very afraid to tell him. (I've been hospitalized twice.) I waited until probably around 6 months into our relationship...where I felt he loved me and I could trust him. He had no problem with it and it hasn't changed our relationship at all.
Recommended Posts