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The calm after the storm, long, sorry.......


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Posted

What a totally horrible experience that was.

 

Here's what happened, I think.

 

We had a really great night out. Really mellow and fun, lots of laughing with our friends. A few beers and good conversation.

 

We went back to my flat.

 

She started a conversation about my communication style, that was ok, I was in the mood to talk.

 

She opened with something about how she was shocked when she very recently realised that I do something in communication which she has never come across before.

 

I can talk completely dispassionately about a subject and not let my own personal views enter the conversation.

 

I used the analogy that I can talk from my 'head' with total cold logic, and I can also talk from my heart about my feelings, and I can also react from my 'gut', instinctually.

 

I do not consciously control this in normal everyday life. I just go along with whatever feels right.

 

When I am faced with an issue or concept that requires level headed discussion to see all the possible viewpoints I usually use 'head' mode. This extends from discussions about Faraday Cages to relationship issues like trust. It may seem cold, but I find it helps everyone see what are the issues and to help understanding of what is being discussed.

 

Anyway, she said that she finds it unusual, and the 'head' mode she finds, I think off putting, is the best description I can come up with.

 

I felt I was being primed.

 

At this point I will lay out a little background to the only issue we have between us. There are other posts of mine that cover it in greater detail. So in precis..

 

She has a male friend. I have not met him. There seems no good reason why I have not met him. I have consistently showed my unease, this has escalated over the year we have been together.

 

We agreed on a few boundaries to cover it recently. I was happy with what we had said.

 

These were the boundaries.

 

We agreed I would be informed of any contact from him immediately.

 

She said she would never initiate contact with him, ever again.

 

I insisted if a meeting was to be arranged I would be informed prior to the meeting taking place.

 

Following the boundary setting discussion. I sat down with her and retracted a previous threat of physical violence towards this man, and also retracted my insistance that I would never meet him. I had made the threat and statement following a previous argument over contact and a request to meet from him that I was not informed about, until three days later (They did not meet. I know this to be a fact). I was deeply ashamed of that threat and statement. I feared I had behaved in a puerile and overly macho fashion. I feared my actions would be viewed as controlling. I knew I had acted incorrectly, and I took it back.

 

So back to the night, she said my 'head' communication style (so to speak) was off putting, then she said she had texted her friend the previous day.

 

Bombshell!

 

I asked her where are the boundaries?

 

Was she not listening when I said and I quote...

 

"I have been cool with this, and understanding. I have left you in no doubt how I feel. I will not give another millimeter on this issue. I will end this relationship if the boundaries are not respected."

 

Then I told to her to give me my keys back and get out. That I refuse to allow her or anyone else to treat me this way. In a heated fashion I must admit, but with absolutely NO physical intimidation.

 

She became incandescent with rage.

 

A heated argument followed.

 

She pushed me away from her in the hallway and then proceeded to attack me, punches to the ribs and chest. I was completely phased, and responded by taking her jacket and lifting her off the ground to ensure there were no more punches. I at no point threatened to strike her, or even suggest that I would. I was bleeding badly from a wound on my thumb, looks like a gash from a nail.

 

She left. I vented on here.

 

The LS'ers helped me get through the night, I wanted to go mad, get drunk, but this forum kept me focussed long enough for all that s*** to pass. Gave me someone to talk to while I twisted in the grip of a demon.

 

The next day she came around.

 

We sat and talked, for eight straight hours.

 

I pointed out that she attacked me, she at first denied it. I think out of embarressment. Until I showed her my thumb and my blood caked phone. She apologised, no big deal to me really, saying sorry for something like that rarely cuts the ice with me.

 

This time I pointed out in great detail how her 'male friend' looked to me. I left nothing out. I painted her a picture. We were calm, and she was listening. She then said something that showed me that perhaps she finally did see what I was on about.

 

She said, after my full explanation, she could see that I must have thought "After all I have said, and after all this time, why is she still doing this? Throwing this in my face again."

 

Her explanation was....

 

She had assumed my retraction of my threat to her friend and statement that I am now prepared to meet him meant that the boundaries no longer existed. Wonder what you all think of this? She agreed that I never said the boundaries were no longer in place, because I didn't.

 

I said I think she is involved in at least an emotional affair with this guy, or perhaps using him for some reason. I said I did not trust her on this issue, and expained why, with examples and reasons.

 

She tried to say why there was no sinister link, I stopped her and told her that she could say nothing at this point that will change my mind. I told her her actions have demonstrated the level of trust I should show, because her words have been contradictory and simply misleading, lies.

 

Then we moved on to what we do now.

 

We have invested a year so far. She and I agreed to work on this relationship. I am going forward now in a different light.

 

I can see her value as a person. She has been open about a lot personal things. I do not want to through something away over a single issue, as I am now of the opinion that she misunderstood something. The best light I can shine on the misunderstanding is the light of stupidity, she was very stupid to make that mistake. The worst I can say is that she may still be lying through her teeth to me, my gut tells me that that is not true.

 

A stupid mistake then, I have made them, and I can forgive them, I told her this, I also told I will not forget.

 

I am aware that my gut has no basis in reality. I will follow it though as it has only occasionally let me down.

 

I am calm. We are in an odd situation now. I feel as though we are back to the beginning in one fashion, and yet much further on in another.

 

I have told her she has to earn my trust, she said she wants to. I told her words alone are not sufficient.

 

I asked her which of my female friends she has any kind of issue with at all. The answer, none. I asked why she thought that was. Because of my behavior. She has never been left at home while I have taken another girl out, she has never seen or heard of me chatting someone up. She knows all my friends. She has seen me interacting with my female friends, and how they keep their distance, they do this because of the vibes I purposefully give off, and perhaps because of the type of women they are. I clearly give the signal that I am not available, that I won't flirt, I even told one friend that I do not like to be touched during conversation. She no longer taps my arm or hand when we talk. This how I behave. That is why she has no fear of my friends.

 

My rules are for me alone, I do not extend those rules to my SO.

 

I said from now on it is up to her how she behaves, how she shows me respect, that is her choice, her responsiblity, if she wants my trust she has to earn it by her own behavior.

 

It is my responsibility on how I react to her behavior, I will decide if I it find acceptable or not. She has enough information now to decide whether she wants my trust or not.

 

If you have read this far, :D , time for a cup of tea? Thought so!

Posted

Glad that you are doing better Witabix. Hope that you are able to work things out. :)

Posted

hi witabix

 

i am new here and i read your other threads, hope i am not intruding but wanted to give you my take from a woman's point of view. firstly, i had male friends from college that i took trips to see without my husband being along. but they had met. the problem was that my old college friends and my new husband never really hit it off, and it really changed my relationship with my old friends to have husband along. so i preferred to see them without him. granted, the friends were of ambiguous orientation (gay or bi), so no possibility of an affair.

 

on the other hand, if you really want to make your point with this woman if i were you i would take a step back in the relationship. date others on a casual basis, see this woman every 1-2 weeks, see how things go, let her do the work for awhile and prove that she's worth it. she would have to take you seriously then.

 

just my 2 cents.

Posted
She had assumed my retraction of my threat to her friend and statement that I am now prepared to meet him meant that the boundaries no longer existed. Wonder what you all think of this? She agreed that I never said the boundaries were no longer in place, because I didn't.

 

I think she was looking for a reason to contact him. If she really wanted to know if it was what you meant she should have asked you. She didn't because she really didn't want to know if you had changed your views but used it as an excuse. I think you are correct in letting her know she has to earn your trust by her behavior.

 

It is hard to just end things and I would probably give her the chance to prove herself but any more contact without your knowledge is a deal breaker.

Posted

yeah i just wanted to add that the whole situation has become 'wierd' which is usually indicative of serious underlying problems. very hard to normalize things now, because it has become such a big issue when it should not have been an issue in the first place. maybe the best way to normalize things is for you and her to throw a party and invite this guy so you can meet him in a relaxed setting. if you try to meet him with just this other woman it will seem forced now.

  • Author
Posted
I think she was looking for a reason to contact him. If she really wanted to know if it was what you meant she should have asked you. She didn't because she really didn't want to know if you had changed your views but used it as an excuse. I think you are correct in letting her know she has to earn your trust by her behavior.

 

It is hard to just end things and I would probably give her the chance to prove herself but any more contact without your knowledge is a deal breaker.

 

I thought that may be the case also Yamaha, and that is my intention.

 

Thanks.

  • Author
Posted
yeah i just wanted to add that the whole situation has become 'wierd' which is usually indicative of serious underlying problems. very hard to normalize things now, because it has become such a big issue when it should not have been an issue in the first place. maybe the best way to normalize things is for you and her to throw a party and invite this guy so you can meet him in a relaxed setting. if you try to meet him with just this other woman it will seem forced now.

 

Interesting idea.

 

However if I threw a party in my apartment everyone would be wondering what the hell I was up to!

 

About meeting him now. It will be a little 'odd' to say the least. But I feel I can do that, if thats what does happen. It may be the way to make either the whole house of cards collapse or solidify my doubts into reality.

 

I get the impression that she is unlikely to pre warn him of what has happened. Of course could be wrong. I would take a slightly dim view if she does warn him though.

Posted
Interesting idea.

 

However if I threw a party in my apartment everyone would be wondering what the hell I was up to!

 

About meeting him now. It will be a little 'odd' to say the least. But I feel I can do that, if thats what does happen. It may be the way to make either the whole house of cards collapse or solidify my doubts into reality.

 

I get the impression that she is unlikely to pre warn him of what has happened. Of course could be wrong. I would take a slightly dim view if she does warn him though.

 

maybe you should meet him asap then? like this week? get it out of the way before it becomes a big issue again...

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Posted
maybe you should meet him asap then? like this week? get it out of the way before it becomes a big issue again...

 

 

I see what you are saying.

 

However I will not force the issue, I can't imagine doing this without being controlling.

 

I wish to let her decide what to do about it, and then I will be able react in the cold light of day to what she actually does. As then I will be able tell what she actually wants to do, which is what I am interested in.

Posted
I see what you are saying.

 

However I will not force the issue, I can't imagine doing this without being controlling.

 

I wish to let her decide what to do about it, and then I will be able react in the cold light of day to what she actually does. As then I will be able tell what she actually wants to do, which is what I am interested in.

 

i wouldn't see it as controlling but as assertive, and therefore manly and attractive. all depends on how you approach it though, could come off as controlling if you do it with too much force. i would just insist in a matter of fact way..but, your call, of course. i'm not in your shoes.

Posted
I see what you are saying.

 

However I will not force the issue, I can't imagine doing this without being controlling.

 

I wish to let her decide what to do about it, and then I will be able react in the cold light of day to what she actually does. As then I will be able tell what she actually wants to do, which is what I am interested in.

 

I agree.

Let her make that decision so you can see where her loyalties lie.

Posted
Anyway, she said that she finds it unusual, and the 'head' mode she finds, I think off putting, is the best description I can come up with.

 

Do your Meyers-Briggs. Could be you are in two different quadrants.

 

You should have rushed to meet the other guy ASAP so you could see their interaction for yourself. I have no idea why anyone would refuse to meet their SO's friend in such a situation. It's by far the wisest thing to do and the very fact that you were asked to meet him should have allayed many of your fears and meeting him should have repaired the rest.

Posted
Do your Meyers-Briggs. Could be you are in two different quadrants.

 

You should have rushed to meet the other guy ASAP so you could see their interaction for yourself. I have no idea why anyone would refuse to meet their SO's friend in such a situation. It's by far the wisest thing to do and the very fact that you were asked to meet him should have allayed many of your fears and meeting him should have repaired the rest.

 

to me it sounds like she is making excuses, and doesn't want to end it but is not that serious either.

  • Author
Posted
Do your Meyers-Briggs. Could be you are in two different quadrants.

 

You should have rushed to meet the other guy ASAP so you could see their interaction for yourself. I have no idea why anyone would refuse to meet their SO's friend in such a situation. It's by far the wisest thing to do and the very fact that you were asked to meet him should have allayed many of your fears and meeting him should have repaired the rest.

 

Sorry Outcast I have given the wrong impression.

 

I was never given the option to meet him.

 

She has never invited me to their lunch dates or trips to events, not once.

 

It was my insistance that I meet him the very next time they set up a date. Following that there was further contact where he requested to meet her, she delayed three days before telling me of this contact. We discussed it then, she said they had not set any date up. I was angry and I made my outburst. She then told me she would never contact him again. Which she subsequently did.

Posted

I've done this... said I thought the boundaries were redefined. I convinced myself they were, because I wanted to do something. I didn't ask if they were because I knew they weren't, and knew the person would tell me that. Don't ask, apologize later, claim miscommunication.

 

It's not on purpose, not thought out and planned with a diabolical thoughtlessness. It is an excuse. She wanted to contact him. Knew you wouldn't like it so waited til you were gone to do so. She justified it in her head so that it was okay for her to do this. Mind f'ed herself to get what she wanted. And completely believes now, that there was confusion on where the boundaries were.

 

I wouldn't waste a lot of time being angry over the excuse. You won't penetrate that belief she has, because she has completely convinced herself of it's truth. You could bring it to her attention for her to review herself.. but getting angry at her would only solidify her first belief that she was "confused" on the boundaries.

Posted

I think pushing for a meeting would be good. You could do it in a way that show you were thinking more about her and the relationship, then being controlling or manipulative. Like explain that you know you'll feel reservations over this man until you meet him, and you know he means a lot to her, so you'd like to meet him this weekend if possible. Leave the decision in her hands, but suggest the time frame. Giving the reason that it'll make you more comfortable with the guy and her relationship with him. That it would reinstill trust. That it would take away the uncomfortable feeling. etc.

 

Whether or not you think it would help is debatable, but it would help reassure her that you aren't going to beat up her best friend. I'd be hesitant to set up a meeting if I felt my bf (no matter how much he said he wouldn't) would punch my friend the second he saw my friend. But some insistance of your good will on the matter might alleviate this fear in her.

Posted
I've done this... said I thought the boundaries were redefined. I convinced myself they were, because I wanted to do something. I didn't ask if they were because I knew they weren't, and knew the person would tell me that. Don't ask, apologize later, claim miscommunication.

 

It's not on purpose, not thought out and planned with a diabolical thoughtlessness. It is an excuse. She wanted to contact him. Knew you wouldn't like it so waited til you were gone to do so. She justified it in her head so that it was okay for her to do this. Mind f'ed herself to get what she wanted. And completely believes now, that there was confusion on where the boundaries were.

 

I wouldn't waste a lot of time being angry over the excuse. You won't penetrate that belief she has, because she has completely convinced herself of it's truth. You could bring it to her attention for her to review herself.. but getting angry at her would only solidify her first belief that she was "confused" on the boundaries.

 

yeah my husband used to do this to me too. guess that is where i'm coming from. it's no surprise that the relationship never worked out to my satisfaction, i always felt like he was playing with my head. and, guess what, he WAS.

Posted

Domestic Violence is nothing to sneeze at.. I was married to someone that used to punch and kick me.. Throw things at me and threaten to break my belongings...

 

My personal opinion is that as soon as a relationship has reached the point where the boundaries are broken and someone commits Domestic Violence ( that is what she did ) then the relationship only has one direction that it will follow.. it will get worse..

 

Get out...

Save your mental health.. Do not keep making excuses for her striking you.. Trust me and believe that if the roles were reversed you would be in jail and she would hang you by the hair on your balls..

Posted

Get out...

Save your mental health.. Do not keep making excuses for her striking you.. Trust me and believe that if the roles were reversed you would be in jail and she would hang you by the hair on your balls.

 

Exactly. The relationship hasn't worked for a long time and it won't work now. When she decided that she was 'confused' about the boundaries, it wasn't because of miscommunication, but because she's involved with the guy. She's cheating on you. Period. And she has shown that when it comes down to choosing the relationship with you or with him, the 'friend' comes first.

 

You've given her more than one second chance as it is. Send her off before the drama turns from a low-grade daytime soap to a trashy Springer episode.

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