I'm 30 and have no dating experience, is it worth still trying?

[DrasticMeasurements]

I've been obese the past 5 years and have been on a weight loss journey the past 2 years. I still have facial fat and a rounded jawline which takes away definition and I just realized that it's unattractive so I'm conscious about this stuff because I've seen stories about how people are treated way differently following a glow up. Also, personality is subjective, everyone has a different idea of what a 'good personality' or sense of humor is. I'm trying to slim down to 15-20% body fat before late January when begins.

My only hobbies are politics and running. I volunteer at my church's young adult ministry on Tuesdays. It's similar to the Porch in Dallas and it goes by semesters Jan-May and Aug-Dec so that's why I mentioned late January. I haven't asked a girl out in years because I don't get signals of interest when I'm around others. Usually, when a girl is smiling or asking me questions about myself, then I later ask out. My social skills are decent. I can make eye contact and ask questions about others. I'm mostly treated as invisible in social settings and end up hovering around circles of people (5-7 talking) because I'm waiting for a chance to talk.

The only date I've been on was 9 years ago in college. She was a foreign student from Mexico and asked me out to dancing. But since then, I've not had anything. I've recently finished my job (as a contractor) and have made it priority to get lean before working and socializing again. I just realized that I'd closely resemble the guy who shot the UHC CEO if I was lean enough; women were swooning over him in the news.

[Els]

50 minutes ago, DrasticMeasurements said:

My only hobbies are politics and running

Well, this is the first time I've heard anyone state "politics" as a hobby, lol. Running can be a hobby, sure, but it's also exercise and probably part of your weight loss plan (congrats on the weight loss, btw!). Don't you have any interests other than that? Anything that you truly do for fun? IMO it's hard for people with no true hobbies to connect with other people.

50 minutes ago, DrasticMeasurements said:

I've recently finished my job (as a contractor) and have made it priority to get lean before working and socializing again.

It's fine to wait to start asking people out until you're comfortable in your own skin... but not working or socializing with friends??? So you're going to be unemployed and spend all your time alone until you lose as much weight as you want to lose? How exactly is that going to work? You can't work out all day every day (or you could, but there's not much point in it beyond a certain amount) so what are you going to do all day? And how is the finances going to work, are you living with your parents rent-free or something?

Edited December 15, 2024 by Els

[smackie9]

Don't pigeon hole yourself with limited interests. Expand your horizons. As for the person you are comparing yourself to, remember women were swooning over serial killer Richard Ramirez...it's not about looks but about sick in the head women that are attracted to the power of how dangerous the are.

[FredEire]

30 is still relatively young. Obviously it's always better to start at 18 but everyone has their own path and it's never too late as long as you've still got your health and a will to get better. My auntie is in her 50s, had never had a relationship that lasted past a few months and seems pretty happily settled now with a guy for the past couple of years.

The weight loss journey seems really positive. It's good to make changes on becoming more superficially attractive if you can, but you've also got to expand your interests and maybe more importantly be curious about the women you want to date and what they're into. It's good to look outward more than inward. Even if you're not perfect and have your flaws (everybody does), just being on a positive life track of getting better day after day is attractive in and of itself.

[DrasticMeasurements]

On 12/15/2024 at 10:47 AM, Els said:

It's fine to wait to start asking people out until you're comfortable in your own skin... but not working or socializing with friends??? So you're going to be unemployed and spend all your time alone until you lose as much weight as you want to lose? How exactly is that going to work? You can't work out all day every day (or you could, but there's not much point in it beyond a certain amount) so what are you going to do all day? And how is the finances going to work, are you living with your parents rent-free or something?

I just got out of work last month and the holiday season is slow, so I'm going to be filling out applications by next year. I don't live with parents; I have an apartment in a decent part of town. I run a lot to lose weight and because I'm training for a half-marathon. Last two years I made around $50-55K averaging both.

Speaking of holiday season, a lot of people are at home with family out of state given that Houston has a large number of transplants. So, I'm alright with sitting out of socializing for the time being. Other hobbies I used to put time into was: reading and two-step dancing. I planned to finish 8 books this year but now probably going finish #4. For the dancing part, the two-stepping nightclubs are ridiculously loud and I need to step in with a deep, confident voice so I can ask someone. I haven't done so in 6 months and likely forgot most of the moves outside of basic spins.

I'm aware that I could spend lots of time sharpening the sword and not using it, so I might need some social accountability to not stay stuck in self-improv overdrive.

[Els]

1 hour ago, DrasticMeasurements said:

So, I'm alright with sitting out of socializing for the time being.

I mean, don't you have friends that you can spend time with or talk to? Male friends, church friends, running friends, old college friends, or even ex-colleagues, etc? I'm very much an introvert, but not talking to anyone for a whole month would drive even me crazy.

Dancing and reading is good. I'd definitely lead with that instead of "politics" when stating hobbies.

 

 

[basil67]

2 hours ago, DrasticMeasurements said:

For the dancing part, the two-stepping nightclubs are ridiculously loud and I need to step in with a deep, confident voice so I can ask someone.

Honestly, I wouldn't accept a date with someone I'd only danced with.  Gotta talk to them first and see if we can hold a conversation.  Do the nightclubs have any outdoor areas or ante-rooms where people go for a bit of a chill when not dancing?  Perhaps you could strike up a conversation there.

Also, if you put two-stepping in your bio, it may attract others who enjoy it.

With politics being a hobby, are you talking high level analysis?   Or are you a super keen voter for a political party who reads the news and goes to rallies and stuff?  The answer makes a difference as to how you'd present.    If you're the former, it's unlikely to be of much help unless they are a journalist or academic.   If you're the latter, you don't have to list it as an interest - just wear a support tshirt in one of the photos and your potential dates will immediately self select in our out according to whether you're a match.  (I wouldn't normally suggest a political photo, but if it's such a part of your life that you list it as a hobby you may as well lead with it)

Edited December 16, 2024 by basil67

[Esteban]

If you don't date until you're 40, then it will only get harder the later you start. It's not too late, just go for it. The lack of experience will make it harder to get very attractive people with lots of choice who will view it as a negative.

I do think losing weight before starting is a good idea but only if you are genuinely going to lose a lot of weight in 3 or 6 months, otherwise it's an excuse, there are a lot of obese people with partners.

[Trail Blazer]

On 12/16/2024 at 2:27 AM, DrasticMeasurements said:

I've been obese the past 5 years and have been on a weight loss journey the past 2 years. I still have facial fat and a rounded jawline which takes away definition and I just realized that it's unattractive so I'm conscious about this stuff because I've seen stories about how people are treated way differently following a glow up. Also, personality is subjective, everyone has a different idea of what a 'good personality' or sense of humor is. I'm trying to slim down to 15-20% body fat before late January when begins.

My only hobbies are politics and running. I volunteer at my church's young adult ministry on Tuesdays. It's similar to the Porch in Dallas and it goes by semesters Jan-May and Aug-Dec so that's why I mentioned late January. I haven't asked a girl out in years because I don't get signals of interest when I'm around others. Usually, when a girl is smiling or asking me questions about myself, then I later ask out. My social skills are decent. I can make eye contact and ask questions about others. I'm mostly treated as invisible in social settings and end up hovering around circles of people (5-7 talking) because I'm waiting for a chance to talk.

The only date I've been on was 9 years ago in college. She was a foreign student from Mexico and asked me out to dancing. But since then, I've not had anything. I've recently finished my job (as a contractor) and have made it priority to get lean before working and socializing again. I just realized that I'd closely resemble the guy who shot the UHC CEO if I was lean enough; women were swooning over him in the news.

In what way do you see politics being a hobby?  Do you actively participate in politics at a local level?  Or do you merely mean to say that politics is an interest?

I also have an interest in politics; geopolitics to be more specific.  However, it is important to not go on about that stuff to women as they mostly have no interest in it.

As for your personality; you can't be everything for everyone, so only certain people are going to gravitate to you.  Finding your person is much more important than finding a person.

Short of that, all I can suggest is keep up the effort in looking after yourself physically.  Hit the gym if you haven't already.  No woman will say looking fitter and stronger is a bad thing!

[Els]

5 hours ago, Trail Blazer said:

However, it is important to not go on about that stuff to women as they mostly have no interest in it.

Many of us are interested in politics, especially in the current political climate. That doesn't mean that it's an appropriate first-date or prior-to-first-date discussion material. Also doesn't qualify as a hobby, IMO, that's a bit like saying that your hobby is going to church (or to the mosque, or whatever). It's an important part of some people's lives, but it's not a hobby. If someone said that that was their hobby, I'd assume that they really have no hobbies and are just grasping at straws.

Edited December 19, 2024 by Els

[Trail Blazer]

6 hours ago, Els said:

Many of us are interested in politics, especially in the current political climate. That doesn't mean that it's an appropriate first-date or prior-to-first-date discussion material. Also doesn't qualify as a hobby, IMO, that's a bit like saying that your hobby is going to church (or to the mosque, or whatever). It's an important part of some people's lives, but it's not a hobby. If someone said that that was their hobby, I'd assume that they really have no hobbies and are just grasping at straws.

Yes, you are correct.  I didn't mean to generalise "women" as a whole.  Women are as interested in politics as men from the perspective that it affects women's lives as much as men.  And many are interested in politics in its own right.

What I meant to convey, but did it quite poorly, is that for the women who are not interested, do not go on about it.  Politics is a divisive topic regardless of one's level on interest, and to ascertain one's level of interest, it would probably take more than one date.

I do know that in my circle of friends, my buddies wives do not like talking about politics.  I do know that my own partner has a fleeting interest, but does like to talk and learn more (geopolitics), but if any random on a date started waffling about it, she'd find it off-putting.

I agree with your sentiment that it's not a hobby.  It's an interest.  Unless one engages physically with something, it's only an interest.  Martial arts ceases to be a hobby if you don't actually participate.  It can remain an interest.  Politics?  Nah!

[Els]

 Fair point, and I agree with you re: the distinction between interest and hobby.

18 hours ago, Trail Blazer said:

I do know that in my circle of friends, my buddies wives do not like talking about politics

I don't think this is because of lack of interest, but rather about the fact that women tend to be more conflict-averse than men, and politics tends to be a topic that is rife with conflict. Personally I only talk about politics online, because I can choose exactly how much I want to engage about it, and I can easily block anyone I need to without much repercussion. In real life friends circles (and especially family), it's just more hassle than it's worth. I just want to have a peaceful BBQ without any drama and loss of friends/family, lol.

I suppose I do talk to close friends IRL about it (because I know that we share each others' views), but not in larger circles.

Edited December 20, 2024 by Els

[Trail Blazer]

On 12/21/2024 at 6:50 AM, Els said:

 Fair point, and I agree with you re: the distinction between interest and hobby.

I don't think this is because of lack of interest, but rather about the fact that women tend to be more conflict-averse than men, and politics tends to be a topic that is rife with conflict. Personally I only talk about politics online, because I can choose exactly how much I want to engage about it, and I can easily block anyone I need to without much repercussion. In real life friends circles (and especially family), it's just more hassle than it's worth. I just want to have a peaceful BBQ without any drama and loss of friends/family, lol.

I suppose I do talk to close friends IRL about it (because I know that we share each others' views), but not in larger circles.

Politics is one topic I avoid talking about.  I have a varied circle of friends, owing to the male-dominated industry I work in and the very liberal, progressive folk that my significant other's social group are in.

My honest assessments regarding politics seems to upset both progressives and conservatives.  So, no matter which stance I have on a topic, I'm usually in contrary to the beliefs of someone else.