At the cross roads

[clubking]

I have been married for 12 years, we have two wonderful daughters age 13 and 10. We have been sperated for two months with only thebasic communication happening between us. I send an e-mail yesterday to my wife asking about where we are and where we are heading. I amstill very much in love with my wife and would like to work on our relationship.

 

"Dear Cheri, I had hoped that we could come to terms with each other

however you seem unwilling to commit either way? Why is this? If

you want something else all you have to do is say so! You must however choose your path? What do you want? What do you desire? You have to tell me! I can not function on empty hope much longer. Tell me what you want!!!

I think two months of separation and over 10 weeks with no

physical contact is enough! I will continue to make our pre arranged

agreement no matter what you decide! But you have to decide!"

 

That is what I sent hoping toget some sort of responce. Below is how she responded

 

"Hi Ron,

 

This is where I am at and where I have been since we first split: I think the last three or more years were very rough on both of us as far as our relationship. So many times we fought, threaten to split, you even moved out but then we would get back together, promise to change things but things would go right back to where they were. I cannot do that any more. I am at a point where, unless things change FIRST, I cannot jump back into any sort of relationship and then try to work on it.

 

Unfortunately from where I am, I do not see that things have changed for either of us. It is possible that things may change if we went to counseling and that is why I was willing to go to counseling. But that does not change where we are at now or where we have been since we split nor would going to counseling guarantee that things will change enough to help. If I had to choose right now between getting back together and getting a divorce then I would choose a divorce.

 

I do not know what else to say and have tried writing another sentence at least 20 times now. I hope my words do not come across as mean or cold because I am sad and upset at the situation. You need and want to know though, even if it is painful, and I understand that. I am sorry that it has come to this and wish it was not this way, but it is."

 

So what do I do? How to I approach this? I am going to set up counseling appointmnet for next week. Are here words final? I am still very much in love with my wife and I am willing to take what ever steps to make it work. Can you help? Is there hope.

 

Clubking

[Ladyjane14]

She says she wants fundemental change in the relationship. Her ENs (Emotional Needs) will have to be met consistantly over a period of time before she's willing to give your marriage another try.

 

She's willing to go to counseling. That's a good start. There are alot of folks who post here who cannot get a concession such of that magnitude.

 

You'll need to STOP pressing for immediate resolution, and give 'the process' it's due. In other words, you're going to have to take the long way around and go through all the steps.

 

You might begin by educating yourself. There are lots of books available. The Five Love Languages by Chapman, His Needs / Her Needs by Harley, even Relationship Rescue by Dr. Phil would put you in the right frame of mind. The important thing is that you get started thinking about the defecits in the relationship from her perspective.

[clubking]

Thank you for the insight. I am willing to do whatever it takes on my part to make this work. I have been pushing for some sort of statement that would tell me the direction. Here arre a couple of additional details. Here parents have lived with us since the begining of our marriage and have followed us when we have moved several time as far away as 2000 miles. I am not telling you this to assigan any blame but it has been a source of friction. Wew have also split in the past but that of in 1997 and we reconciled after 2 months. I also have substance abuse issues. I have been addicted to MJ for the past 20 years. I am not working with a hypotherpist on this and have been drug free for 3 days. I know taht does not seem like a like but MJ has ruled my life for ythe past 20 years and there have been very few times that I have missed this lenght of time. I am trying:)

 

I am going to get the several of the books you have reccommended. Should I start with the frist one? Is it best if I do not have a lot of contact with her? This will be my frist counsling, what should I prepare for? What does the 1st session consist of?

 

Thank you for your comments:)

 

Clubking

[Ladyjane14]

Your first visit will be informational in nature. The counselor will want to know Why you're there. The only important thing you MUST do is to be 100% honest. Don't put any 'spin' on the problems. Remember, you're paying this person to do a job. The job requires correct information.

 

The Five Love Languages is a good place to start. It's an easy read and offers a fairly rounded program.

 

It's NOT necessary that you avoid contact with your wife. What IS necessary is that you try to make your interactions with her as positive as possible. Toward that end...you MUST stop pushing her to resolve the matter in your favor. It's possible that she left you because you're not REALLY listening to her. If you're going to have ANY chance of pulling this thing out of the bag....you will have to correct that.

 

Meantime, get SERIOUS about staying off the MJ. It's cost you more already than you could afford to lose. This thing has NOT been your friend.

 

The In-law's are a problem for another day. You have to resolve some of the primary issues BEFORE you tackle this. There's no reason to discuss where the In-law's are living....while YOU are living outside the house. Even if you are concerned about their influence on your wife's thought-process, you will do well to speak kindly as far as they're concerned. The in-law's will only be a deal-breaker if YOU make them one.

[lost/found?]

Club king, the most important thing you can do for yourself rright now is get off the weed. It maybe hard but speaking from experience it can be done. I smoked morning, noon, and night for over 10 years. The first few days are the hardest and after that it gets much easier. You are going to find that your emotions are going to be on overdrive for quite awhile due to the fact that you have been numb in a sense for over 20 years. You do not need a crutch to get through life, it may not have affected parts of your life but it definitely takes its toll on other aspects that you may not even notice.

 

Good luck and stay strong

[brokenherz]

I believe the counseling will be the only thing that can get you both ahead with the relationship or with yourself. Are you doing individual therapy and couple therapy? I would do both.

 

I am 15 years together with my husband and we did a trial separation since 5 month, he has a girlfriend now since 2 month. In his case he didn’t want to do couple therapy. Now I started private therapy and hopefully I heal. Even after my husband cheated on me I’m not willing to give up quite yet.

 

I hope for you that things will work out at the end. Be patient and work on yourself. When you talk to her always be nice and don’t ask her to come back for now. If she wants too she’ll come.

 

Ladyjane14 please look at my situation, you always give good advise.

[Mz. Pixie]

Broken,

 

I posted to you also on your thread.

[clubking]

Brokenherz, I wish you the best in your marriage. I do not know if my wife is seeing someone else and I do not care to. Thank you for the advise. It seems that I want to push all the time and you just have to wait and see it seems. We have seperate session on Tuesday with our counseler and then a session the following week together. I have read a great book called "One question that will save your marriage" by Harry Dunn. I think it has given a new outlook on my destructiive behavior. Thank you for all of your comments they help:)