Little Ninja Posted January 8, 2006 Posted January 8, 2006 Wasn't sure where to post and this seemed a good as place as any but please be nice I'm a newbie still figuring out this site, lol. Let me explain my circumstances and maybe someone has some kind of advice. I am 18 yrs old and just started college. I have no experience in relationships and have never dated and that’s where half of my problem comes from. I’ve never felt very attractive and guys my own age always gave me the bad type of attention. So I took to chatting consistently in chat rooms until I found someone I liked talking to. I am one of those people that completely change once talking on the net. I have found that on the internet I enjoy talking to older men while in person I would never have the courage to do that. So I would find enough people to keep me occupied and when those people left I would go on a binge to replace them. I started talking to this one guy and honestly I didn’t like him at first but that quickly changed. I grew to really like this man and I still do. It’s just the little things that he says and does that I know that he truly cares about me. I also realize that he is not prince charming and I’m not Cinderella, we aren’t perfect and I don’t want it to be but we seem to work out well. I have only gone to a chat room maybe twice since we’ve started talking. I’m scared that I have fallen for this older man and I have no idea what he truly feels for me. I do believe there is interest but with the age difference it creates a greater distance than just that of the few states between us. I often pour my heart out to this man and he always stays level headed and supporting which I love but he never reveals anything to what exactly it is that he feels towards me. Maybe its just too early and I’m pushing, I don’t know I no longer act like I have a clue anymore. The negatives to all of this? I’ve never met him in person. We’ve only been talking for about four months, he’s 15 years older than me, he lives several states away, and I have no idea what he looks like. Through fault in my own personality I think I am and have gotten way ahead of myself with this. I asked him at about a month in if it was ok if I told my mom and he said it was ok but I don’t think he thought I was serious and I did tell her but he freaked and I freaked cause he freaked and although it was upsetting it just kind of slide by after we had settled things. I realize now that was a mistake on my part I should not have said anything that early. I get so smitten early on and then later it dies down and in the hype I made a mistake. We have our disagreements and arguments but they always seem to be resolved. What truly scares me is that my puppy love is not going away. Sure it has died down but its still there. I miss him when I haven’t talked to him, I want no one else but him, I want to learn all there is to know about him, I care so deeply for him and I want to show him that. Now on to the actual questions. Is wanting to date this older guy wrong? I won’t say it doesn’t bother me somewhat and I know it also bothers him somewhat also. He is hesitant about showing a picture of himself which makes me wonder why. He says that he just can’t find a recent one but I don’t know if I can believe that any longer. I would be the last one that says looks are an important feature when picking out a guy but it concerns me when he hesitates to show what he looks like it makes me feel like he doesn’t trust me enough to care about him no matter what he looks like. Also how do I find out how he feels about me? I just couldn’t stomach asking him straight out even though that’s the only way to know for sure. Big question should I meet him and why? Also where should we meet? Where he lives or here where I live or maybe at school? If this is all bad from the get go or maybe he’s just not interested how do I push myself away from him? How do I tell myself that he’s not the one or anyone and move on? I would feel as though I were cheating even if we are not in a relationship, I need to be told that nothing can never happen between us for it not to feel that way. Cause even though he says things like you need someone your own age or you’ll make a man happy one day. I can’t help but want to yell that maybe I want you to be that man if only for a while. How do I push the just friend’s button? I hope this made some sense and that someone has some advice for me. Thanks for the help Signed, LittleNinja:eek:
loony Posted January 8, 2006 Posted January 8, 2006 I think the best thing for you would be to reduce contact with him by telling him that you need to concentrate more on school and therefore will have less time to chat or write to him. You are too young and too inexperienced for this guy and what you are experiencing right now is a big crush. It will go away though once you reduce contact and then you will wonder why you wanted him so much. You are new to this feeling, so I will tell you, it will go away, when you spend your time with other people. You started college recently, this is the opportunity to meet other people, to socialize and make friends. If you're not good with it yet, see, this is your chance to work on your social skills, just don't cling to a guy that you don't really know. Given how inexperienced you are with guys I doubt that you really understand him. I also do not believe that he feels the same for you, simply because you still do not know that much about people, especially guys, so I doubt you are really able to relate with him. In my experience, falling in love is often caused by feeling understood and accepted, right now though it is him who is listening to your problems and that rarely causes feelings of romance. I also can't really find anything in your post that would indicate that he is interested in you. I really think you are too young and inexperienced to get involved with a guy who is 15 years older than you. And it shows his level of maturity that he is so reluctant to start something with you. If he was, I'd assume he was really immature and then I would recommend you to run away from him as fast as you can. Find a nice guy who is your age and with whom you can slowly discover what love means, not a guy who is much older and way more experienced than you. If you are not happy with yourself, make a list of the points that you want to change, look for possible solutions and try to become the best you. It is much better to concentrate on the nice features than concentrating on the bad ones. Try to look the best you. When you stop looking at other girls and envy them for what they have and instead focus on what you have, you will discover that you have a lot to offer. I still think I was stupid to believe that other people looked better than I did and to make my life miserable with this distorted view. I also understand your nervousness conerning guys, when I was your age, I was incredibly self-conscious and shy when it came to guys, now I've come to realize it's not such a big deal, they're also just people and have their own problems. Remind yourself that in the first place they are human beings who have similar feelings and anxieties as you do. They are as nervous around girls as you are nervous around them.
bluechocolate Posted January 8, 2006 Posted January 8, 2006 Here are some pointers about speaking to people on the internet that I posted for someone else not too long ago. Make friends first, don't look for love right away.Be careful, there are a lot of people out there that enjoy hurting people. Post and browse bulletin and message boards that interest you. This way, you'll find people that enjoy some of the same things that you do. When you do meet someone on the computer, don't believe everything that they tell you. After a while, you can tell if someone is being honest with you. Never give out any kind of personal information about yourself, ie: phone number, address, to anyone until you're sure that you can trust them. If possible, use an email address that can't be traced back to you. If you find someone online, take your time getting to know them. Don't rush things. You might think that you are falling in love online, but you may just be falling for a false persona. You won't know if it's love, till you meet face-to-face.
popcorn Posted January 8, 2006 Posted January 8, 2006 Never give out any kind of personal information about yourself, ie: phone number, address, to anyone until you're sure that you can trust them. If possible, use an email address that can't be traced back to you. The header of emails contains the IP number which in most cases allows you to track down the location of the sender. Here is a link for looking up the location. And another link to a website that explains how to read email headers.
Author Little Ninja Posted January 8, 2006 Author Posted January 8, 2006 Thank You alot Bluechocolate and Loony for the advice. It's wierd how you can ask a stranger for advice and not the people closest to you, my mom told me basically the same thing and I listened with half an ear. You are absolutely right loony it just takes someone else to show you what you refuse to or cannot see sometimes. I don't have enough experience so I automatically take a guy being nice to me as them potentially liking me. One more thing I need to work on, lol. I really need to get out more, lol. Thank you again for the advice and Hope you have a great day.
Author Little Ninja Posted January 8, 2006 Author Posted January 8, 2006 The header of emails contains the IP number which in most cases allows you to track down the location of the sender. Woah I didn't know that. That's something everyone should know I think. Thanks:eek:
popcorn Posted January 8, 2006 Posted January 8, 2006 Woah I didn't know that. That's something everyone should know I think. Thanks:eek: Well, it's not that bad, sometimes it will only reveal the country, sometimes it will reveal the region or city, sometimes it will be wrong and reveal a city that is 50 km away from you. I have twice seen a wrong IP number. It sometimes happen when you use hotmail, then the IP number will lead you to Redmond. And once I got an email from a friend of mine who was in Germany and the IP number lead to the US. I think it somehow has to do with the internet provider, but I'm not sure. In any case most often the country is correct, also the region.
bluechocolate Posted January 8, 2006 Posted January 8, 2006 The header of emails contains the IP number which in most cases allows you to track down the location of the sender. If you're using something like hotmail it is highly unlikely that someone is going to be able to trace your actual home address & phone number through that ISP. I'm well familiar with IP addresses & headers, but thanks for the info.
popcorn Posted January 8, 2006 Posted January 8, 2006 If you're using something like hotmail it is highly unlikely that someone is going to be able to trace your actual home address & phone number through that ISP. I'm well familiar with IP addresses & headers, but thanks for the info. Of course, it won't show her home address or phone number, just the location, but maybe it's still something she doesn't want him to know.
bluechocolate Posted January 8, 2006 Posted January 8, 2006 Woah I didn't know that. That's something everyone should know I think. Thanks:eek: Don't get excessively paranoid about it. If you're careful about how you conduct yourself in chatrooms (which don't even require an email address) then even with a location, which is often wrong anyway, someone is unlikely to be able to track you down.
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