We had a small misunderstanding, parted ways for a bit, and he found someone else

[lavender7093]

We were in each other's lives for just under two years, he was really affectionate, continually kept saying he cared about me, spoke to me day and night pretty much about his life, his family. Showed that he cared about my interests and life, always said if I needed him for anything he would be there or if something went wrong or if I was ill, asked me what he could do to make it better. Several times we planned to meet but it didn't happen due to things getting in the way, I will admit it was mostly on my end. Towards the end, before we parted ways, for at least a month or two he became colder and distant, he would speak to me however it wasnt everyday like before. It would be every 3-4 days, sometimes even 5. So in my view I started to be ignored, it wasn't like before.

I mentioned it to him, he said he had a lot going on and that he was barely even meeting anyone, even his own family. The communication improved after for a couple of weeks or so then went back to before. Anyway somehow we managed to get to the topic of meeting after this and both agreed. He said we were supposed to meet lots of times and it didn't happen. I last asked what would you like to do? It took him approximately 3 days to get back to me, even though I could see him online all the time.

When he did I told him it's not worth my time at the moment it just came out as I was fed up of being ignored and waiting for responses. He said ok fine let's leave it then and not to worry about it. But he did say, it's funny you say that when you have talked about us meeting a couple of times before. Basically the waiting on communication from him got tedious and I said something which I didn't mean at the time I.e the worth my time comment. Neither spoke to the other after that.

I did accidentally message him a few days after but deleted, he instantly responded and said is everything OK sorry I didn't read your message. I didn't respond. We both then pretty much ghosted one another, after years of being in each other's lives.

Fast forward a few months, he messages me asking how I am and what I've been upto, we fill each other in briefly. I asked him how life is and his response was "life, life is good 😊 😄 ". With those cute/cringy emojis. I found it a bit weird but didn't say anything. He eventually told me he had someone and he was getting married within two months.

I told him it was strange, I just meant how quick it was and after how long we got to know each other. Anyway he got insulted by how I should be congratulating him and why I shouldn't be saying it's strange. But to me it was strange, the timing and everything, we were about to meet  matter of months ago and now you're suddenly engaged, obviously I would find it odd. And all that time I was feeling bad about my comment where I said it wasn't worth it, and thinking about going back to rectify the situation, meanwhile he's off getting engaged.

He told me he was surprised by what I said but that it was the end for him he wasn't going to chase me after and it was up to me to tell him why I said that. Anyway he was making a big deal about that as if it justified him getting engaged to someone else within months. I told him it wasn't meant the way he took it and he just said it's fine it was a misunderstanding. I just don't get why that couldn't have been resolved in two seconds, and instead of contacting me he was on to the next woman. In my view I invested well over a year speaking to this person and he goes.and gives everything to this woman who he met weeks after we parted ways. 

I feel like I wasted my time and he moved on like none of my invested.time mattered and this new person comes along and gets everything. He actually spoke to me right up till his wedding day, and talked about the past and the stuff we used to talk about. 
I'm just stuck now in limbo wondering how that all happened, and how I ended up here, while he moved on so quick after investing emotionally into me. 

Edited December 10, 2024 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs and shorten title

[NuevoYorko]

I'm sorry you're hurt.  This kind of online attachment will almost always peter out.   Yours hung on for an unusually long time.  People generally need real life people to share things with even if they don't think they do.   

[stillafool]

Why didn't you meet up with him the first time he asked you and if you couldn't meet then why didn't you reschedule with him to show that you really do want to meet.  I knew he had another girl before you even wrote that he did.  I'm not surprised he's engaged because these long distance relationships seem to just fantasy in the end.  Don't take them seriously.

[basil67]

Kindly, the lack of making a priority to meet him and spend time with him meant that he was always going to drift away.  It sounds like you cancelled on him so many times that he ended up getting fed up with the situation and moved on.

It's unfortunate that he didn't tell you he had fallen in love, but I guess the connection had become too tenuous for him to feel the need to update you on his life.

 

[basil67]

Also, I agree that you should have congratulated him instead of saying it's 'strange'.   It wasn't strange, and friends always congratulate each other on getting engaged

Edited December 10, 2024 by basil67
typo

[lavender7093]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

Also, I agree that you should have congratulated him instead of saying it's 'strange'.   It wasn't strange, and friends always congratulate each other on getting engaged

To me it was strange. At that point he was just gaslighting me

[lavender7093]

2 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

I'm sorry you're hurt.  This kind of online attachment will almost always peter out.   Yours hung on for an unusually long time.  People generally need real life people to share things with even if they don't think they do.   

True. You're right 

[Gebidozo]

[ ]

While much of what he told you could very well be rubbish, he might have had genuine interest in you, but obviously it faded away due to lack of real life contact. You were never romantically involved, you never even met in two years. It’s impossible to have a romantic relationship without seeing each other. The whole thing was a fantasy, and you really shouldn’t be taking it so seriously.

Edited December 11, 2024 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
response to removed content

[basil67]

50 minutes ago, lavender7093 said:

To me it was strange. At that point he was just gaslighting me

How did he gaslight you?   

[lavender7093]

1 hour ago, Gebidozo said:

[ ]

While much of what he told you could very well be rubbish, he might have had genuine interest in you, but obviously it faded away due to lack of real life contact. You were never romantically involved, you never even met in two years. It’s impossible to have a romantic relationship without seeing each other. The whole thing was a fantasy, and you really shouldn’t be taking it so seriously.

That's your opinion. Until you're in that situation you don't have a clue. Respectfully. Even relationship coaches , you know experts in the field, have said they've fallen for women while having an online interaction only. Having said all of that, nowhere did I say anything about my feelings. But at least take into account the length of time we spoke, years. 

Edited December 11, 2024 by lavender7093

[basil67]

2 hours ago, lavender7093 said:

That's your opinion. Until you're in that situation you don't have a clue. Respectfully. Even relationship coaches , you know experts in the field, have said they've fallen for women while having an online interaction only. Having said all of that, nowhere did I say anything about my feelings. But at least take into account the length of time we spoke, years. 

I agree this long distance love can happen.  But in this case, you had plans to meet him, but you prioritised other things in your life over him.   Sure, there can be the occasional family emergency or something, but repeated cancellations from you are enough to make anyone feel like they aren't a great priority and emotionally move on.

You seem smart enough to recognise the connection between the cancelled meetings and him losing interest in the intense friendship

[Gebidozo]

3 hours ago, lavender7093 said:

That's your opinion. Until you're in that situation you don't have a clue.

What makes you think I’ve never been in your situation? I know very well what fantasy and infatuation are, and how they differ from romantic love.

 

3 hours ago, lavender7093 said:

Even relationship coaches , you know experts in the field, have said they've fallen for women while having an online interaction only.

I guess that depends on what “fallen” means to each one of us. There is no reason to argue semantics here. My point is that you never had a romantic relationship with that person, which is a fact. Yet for some reason you’re still surprised, not to say outraged, that he found someone and even plans to marry her.  Perhaps if you view that online connection as something that was largely a fantasy, you’ll find it easier to accept that to him it never meant much beyond that.

 

3 hours ago, lavender7093 said:

But at least take into account the length of time we spoke, years. 

Precisely! You’ve been speaking for years yet you both never made the effort to actually meet and start a romantic relationship. How can anyone believe it was serious?

If I really fall for a woman via online interaction, I’d do everything in my power to meet her in person as soon as possible. Otherwise it would forever remain an unfulfilled fantasy, playing at love instead of actually living it.

And if the woman hesitates and delays the meeting all the time, I’d know right away that her feelings for me aren’t real.

I’m surprised he didn’t quit the whole thing earlier. My guess is that he was stringing you along as an emotional outlet, all the while being open for a real romantic relationship with someone he could actually see in person. Which is exactly the reality you’re facing right now.

Edited December 11, 2024 by Gebidozo

[Mrin]

5 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

[ ]

While much of what he told you could very well be rubbish, he might have had genuine interest in you, but obviously it faded away due to lack of real life contact. You were never romantically involved, you never even met in two years. It’s impossible to have a romantic relationship without seeing each other. The whole thing was a fantasy, and you really shouldn’t be taking it so seriously.

100% this. 

OP: you didn't have a relationship with this man. You had a fantasy. 

[ExpatInItaly]

It sounds like the online fantasy just fizzled out for him and he moved on to real-life. 

It was inevitable that this would end. Time to cut all communication and maybe take a breather. Then date local men you can acutally meet and have a real relationship with. 

And in the future, don't over-invest in online men. It's not healthy for you, clearly. 

Edited December 11, 2024 by ExpatInItaly

[stillafool]

12 hours ago, lavender7093 said:

Having said all of that, nowhere did I say anything about my feelings.

What are your feelings for him?  Were you considering him just a friend or did you have a romantic interest him?

[lavender7093]

3 hours ago, stillafool said:

What are your feelings for him?  Were you considering him just a friend or did you have a romantic interest him?

I didn't stop to consider how I felt or to put it into words. Sometimes I'm not bothered and sometimes I notice that he's gone. Back then it was mixed, it usually depended on how I was being treated. At the beginning and middle he was really nice to me all the time and caring etc.. towards the end I felt frustrated when I was being ignored and was annoyed but I couldn't feel romantic feelings towards someone who was ignoring Me half the time. But then when he came back and told me he found someone it was like all of a sudden I didn't want that to happen. 

Edited December 11, 2024 by lavender7093

[lavender7093]

13 hours ago, basil67 said:

I agree this long distance love can happen.  But in this case, you had plans to meet him, but you prioritised other things in your life over him.   Sure, there can be the occasional family emergency or something, but repeated cancellations from you are enough to make anyone feel like they aren't a great priority and emotionally move on.

You seem smart enough to recognise the connection between the cancelled meetings and him losing interest in the intense friendship

True I agree. In hindsight I wish I prioritised it more. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, lavender7093 said:

I felt frustrated when I was being ignored

But hadn't he already tried to meet up with you before it got to that point? 

Or am I not understanding the timeline? 

[lavender7093]

48 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

But hadn't he already tried to meet up with you before it got to that point? 

Or am I not understanding the timeline? 

He had and then all of a sudden he became colder and distant. My friend said he was probably speaking to another woman, and continuously putting that in my mind, whether it was true or not I don't know but it kind of put me off in addition to being ignored so I left it. That's why I said it's not worth it , but he didn't  understand why  I said it and got really insulted. Otherwise if he stayed being all friendly and warm like he had before, we mostly likely would have met up. But being kept on read for days and days took its toll eventually. When he came back I explained why and he said you could have told me that at the time or next time tell people upfront, but he had already by then been messaging me every 3-4 days for a couple of months. So yeah. Maybe I should have just met anyway and my precious time wouldn't have gone to waste, but it is what it is now. 

Edited December 11, 2024 by lavender7093

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, I would just put this man behind you now. 

What's done is done. It didn't work out, and that's okay. It just wasn't meant to be. 

[basil67]

2 hours ago, lavender7093 said:

True I agree. In hindsight I wish I prioritised it more. 

I'm wondering if hindsight will also show that you didn't prioritise him because he wasn't actually a priority for you at the time.  Nobody is going to wait around forever

[lavender7093]

41 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I'm wondering if hindsight will also show that you didn't prioritise him because he wasn't actually a priority for you at the time.  Nobody is going to wait around forever

I know that now lol. ☹️

[basil67]

1 hour ago, lavender7093 said:

I know that now lol. ☹️

 I think it's fair to say that we generally prioritise the things which are most important to us, so it's likely he hadn't actually blown your socks off romantically.  If you really love someone, you move heaven and earth to meet with them.

It's likely that him moving on was the right outcome for both of you: He's got someone who meets his needs, and you're free to find the kind of man who you want to make your #1

[lavender7093]

4 minutes ago, basil67 said:

 I think it's fair to say that we generally prioritise the things which are most important to us, so it's likely he hadn't actually blown your socks off romantically.  If you really love someone, you move heaven and earth to meet with them.

It's likely that him moving on was the right outcome for both of you: He's got someone who meets his needs, and you're free to find the kind of man who you want to make your #1

I think initially i thought he was decent, but then all the ignoring and miscommunication and him not actually stating properly  what he wanted and just leaving me on read all the time, just contributed to the downfall. But I do recognise I wasn't as forthcoming as he would have liked either so yeah maybe just a consequence of my actions, but I am who I am at the end of the day. Either way though it was dysfunctional.