Should I make this into a Relationship?

[flitzanu]

and then let's say you find this "hotter girl" and bang her in your car, and then a week later are you looking for a girl hotter than her when the car-sex inevitably doesn't lead to a fulfilling relationship?  is this just your constant quest every time now you find a hot girl that you can't settle until you get the next hottest one? 

all of this is unreasonable and unobtainable, regardless of vanity and thinking you are downgrading

[ShyViolet]

10 hours ago, seany25 said:

You said you don't think I'll ever really move on. Well, to some extent, I agree you might be right and that's why I believe one way to "cure" me is to find an equally hot woman. If it's the only thing that might work then it's gotta be worth a shot.

You seem absolutely determined not to "get it", not to work on yourself and to stay stuck in this juvenile mindset of yours.

[seany25]

7 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

because when you really love someone, that person truly becomes the most objectively physically attractive one to you.

Exactly  so maybe I do actually love this one since she's the most objectively attractive woman I've ever been with

... annnd that's most likely why it stung yesterday when I seen that photo of her with what is clearly her new man

Otherwise, why did this sting and not seeing the other girl from May with her new boyfriend? Because this one is sexier, and when I speak of her sexiness, it's about her entire persona and aura. I keep saying that whilst she is indeed super hot, it's practically everything about her that I was enamoured with.

[seany25]

3 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

Do you ever wonder why?  Or you're content with this status quo?

Not entirely content with it, no. It does have fun periods where I see various different women in quick succession but I would indeed prefer one perfect woman.

3 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

There is always someone more gorgeous,  more wealthy, more famous, more  talented, etc. etc. etc.

And in this case it's the woman I was with this time a year ago which is why I'm in this pickle right now

3 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

@seany25 - I haven't looked back but I do remember quite a lot about your past thread with the other girl.    I think I remember that you are an alcoholic.  Is this accurate?  You sure seem to be completely addicted to adrenaline, out of touch with other humans, and specifically interested in only the most superficial of things.  

Do you ever question yourself about all of this?  I don't think you're particularly young - you must notice that you're an outlier amongst your age peers.

Recovered/recovering addict, yes. It was last years events around all this, or rather, the aftermath, that made me realise I still had those addictive tendencies deep inside. She was the drug, the dopamine hit, and then when she was no longer there, I went into withdrawal.

I have done great all year but then when I saw that photo of her with the new guy I felt that helluva gut punch and it's made me wonder why it happened.

3 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

Most people do not think like this.  You'll have to take our word for it.   So far I don't think there has been anyone on any of your threads that aligns with this perspective.  

Most people may not, but some of us obviously do. Call it what you like, but there's nothing wrong with looks being important to you.

[seany25]

2 hours ago, flitzanu said:

and then let's say you find this "hotter girl" and bang her in your car, and then a week later are you looking for a girl hotter than her when the car-sex inevitably doesn't lead to a fulfilling relationship?  is this just your constant quest every time now you find a hot girl that you can't settle until you get the next hottest one? 

all of this is unreasonable and unobtainable, regardless of vanity and thinking you are downgrading

To be fair, the first half of this year was pretty crazy with me going through 5 or 6 women in a frenzy trying to get over her. They were a mixture of average to very good looking.

Yes, you guessed it, none of them were as good looking as the one in question. Yes, I'm obviously chasing that "prize lady" who matches up but what do you do? Just give up and settle for less than you really desire? How do you let go of the need to make this happen when you'll feel like you're giving in and settling for second best?

But to answer your question, I don't believe I'll keep chasing when I finally have one as hot as her.

[seany25]

2 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

You seem absolutely determined not to "get it", not to work on yourself and to stay stuck in this juvenile mindset of yours.

I might come across that way but like I've said above, should I just give in and settle for less? The whole "beauty is in the eye of the beholder" stuff doesn't cut it. And by the way this woman from last year isn't just physically beautiful she had all the qualities I could have wanted as well as the super-hot looks.

So to have had all that in my hands for a month and then lost it. Ah, shoot, guess I gotta settle for less now, yeah  I admit find it hard to roll over and accept that idea

[seany25]

To be objective about my current situation. I would/will feel not only bad if I were to finish with my current girl, but I would also miss her. She is and has been great in so many ways, and is attractive, I just got a huge wave of jealousy and rejection yesterday when I saw that photo.

How do get over such jealousy?

[basil67]

3 minutes ago, seany25 said:

I would indeed prefer one perfect woman.

Perfect doesn't exist. 

With regards to looks, I agree that looks are very important to some people.   But there are also 'leagues'.  If you've got the kind of look which all the woman are hot for, then it shouldn't be too difficult to find her.  

That said, you talk about loving the woman from a year ago because of her looks.   That's not love, that's objectification.  

[NuevoYorko]

53 minutes ago, seany25 said:

Call it what you like, but there's nothing wrong with looks being important to you.

You're being deliberately obtuse.   Of course "looks are important."  To some more than others.   It's pretty universal to seek a strong sense of attraction to our partners.   

You, @seany25, are in a category outside of "looks are important."   You claim that you like this woman you are seeing yet you consider her a freaking DOWNGRADE because you've been with someone more gorgeous than she is in your past. 

The level of "drop dead gorgeous" is your only criteria.   

It's messed up.   

[Georgia46]

Looks fade…. Its the connection that’s more important… someone you just feel like you could never get bored of .. someone you *click* with 

[seany25]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

That said, you talk about loving the woman from a year ago because of her looks.   That's not love, that's objectification.  

 

1 hour ago, NuevoYorko said:

You, @seany25, are in a category outside of "looks are important."   You claim that you like this woman you are seeing yet you consider her a freaking DOWNGRADE because you've been with someone more gorgeous than she is in your past. 

The level of "drop dead gorgeous" is your only criteria.   

It's messed up.   

I keep saying it's not just about her looks. It was about her looks AND her hypnotic and mesmerising persona. I felt a spark with her I hadn't experienced in a long time, probably ever. I guess it's probably linked to my addictive nature but the adrenaline and thrill I went through during that month long fling was mind-blowing, and then all of a sudden that high was gone. So when you package those looks and persona, the chance encounter during the month after communication breaking down, then us rekindling things, etc, altogether, and all that dopamine I experienced during that month (in addition to her abrupt departure when I was on such an extreme high), I guess she has left this permanent craving in me for her more than any other. When you add it all up, it's the perfect storm of lust and being an addict deep down, I can confidently suggest there's something real to what I'm saying here.

Anyway, my current girl isn't even looking for full exclusivity, just some honest commitment. She doesn't expect us to get married and live together and all that stuff (we already have our own kids etc). She's literally asked me tonight not to mess her around and if I didn't want her just to end it. The thing is, I'm in the middle, I do want her but without all the serious stuff.

We've just been on a face time and I feel terrible. I had told her last week when I was drunk (and don't remember) that I would come and stay with her on Saturday night. When I told her my son was coming to stay on Saturday night she got annoyed and reminded me I was supposed to come to her house.

It turns out she had booked us/me a surprise suite in a hotel with jacuzzi and all that stuff, and now she says she's going to have to cancel (even tho I said my son could come stay the next night instead).

Given where my mind is at and the apparently "superficial" things I want (model material looks), I realise I don't deserve her. And I may have to make the tough choice to cool things with her so I don't mess her around more.

Edited December 19, 2024 by seany25

[basil67]

This thread started off as talking about questioning being with current women you're seeing, and now it's segued into discussing the feelings for the woman you had a fling with.   

Clearly the answer to your question is that you should stop seeing the current woman, because you're still hung up on the woman you were hot for at the start of the year.   She deserves so much better than what you've currently offering

Also, loving someone's "mesmerising persona" is still on the shallow end of things - we're talking about her public face her.    You weren't with her nearly long enough to learn about who she really is, how she treats others, the things which were important to her etc.  Sure, you may have seen snippets of things, but it's really easy to keep a facade for a month or two.  

Edited December 20, 2024 by basil67

[Gebidozo]

 

3 hours ago, seany25 said:

I might come across that way but like I've said above, should I just give in and settle for less? The whole "beauty is in the eye of the beholder" stuff doesn't cut it. And by the way this woman from last year isn't just physically beautiful she had all the qualities I could have wanted as well as the super-hot looks.

So to have had all that in my hands for a month and then lost it. Ah, shoot, guess I gotta settle for less now, yeah  I admit find it hard to roll over and accept that idea

The level of objectification here is alarming. You literally view women as something that you can “have in your hands”. You don’t understand the “eye of the beholder” concept because you consider women things that you can objectively evaluate and put a price on. You measure women by “drop-dead-gorgeousness” criterium like someone else would evaluate cars in horsepowers or diamonds in carats.

Does your girlfriend know about this mindset of yours? Or are you intentionally misleading her because you want to “have her in your hands”’, just in case? No mature, self-respecting woman would want to date, let alone fall in love with a man who hasn’t outgrown this materialistic mentality. She deserves to know the truth about you. And she deserves to be set free instead of being used to you as a substitute for something you can’t get. Don’t you see how humiliating your attitude is?

[basil67]

@seany25 I know you keep saying that we've got it wrong, but I really don't think you understand just how unimpressive your attitude looks on this end.   

[seany25]

51 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Also, loving someone's "mesmerising persona" is still on the shallow end of things - we're talking about her public face her.    You weren't with her nearly long enough to learn about who she really is, how she treats others, the things which were important to her etc.  Sure, you may have seen snippets of things, but it's really easy to keep a facade for a month or two.  

I guess you could be right. I did have/do have my suspicions about potential red flags, but since I didn't get long enough to find out if I was right or wrong, I can never know. Thus, I can only maintain and remember all the "good" stuff that I know for sure. Telling myself she was bad without knowing isn't gunna do anything.

[seany25]

41 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Does your girlfriend know about this mindset of yours? Or are you intentionally misleading her because you want to “have her in your hands”’, just in case? No mature, self-respecting woman would want to date, let alone fall in love with a man who hasn’t outgrown this materialistic mentality. She deserves to know the truth about you. And she deserves to be set free instead of being used to you as a substitute for something you can’t get. Don’t you see how humiliating your attitude is?

When we first met, we actually had a chat about recent relationships (she's going through a divorce) and after she told me her woes in great detail I asked her if she was sure she wanted to hear mine and she said yes. I pretty much outlined the gist of my "epic" thread from last year, going all the way back to where the initial lust began 7 years prior, and she intently listened to everything. So, she knew I had spent the year on a semi-toxic path of seeing woman after woman until I met her.

Do you think, given that she knew I had this hang-up looming over me all year, that I can be honest with her and simply tell her my mind is still a bit messed up about it?

I honestly think that's a better explanation than some lame, untrue, empty alternative like "I'm just not ready for a relationship right now babe".

She is aware of what happened, and what I experienced. So at least she'd have an answer as to why we might not be continuing to see each other.

I have been a total gentleman to her and she tells everyone I treat her like a princess, which I do, and she said she never experienced that with anyone and that I'm unlike anyone else she's ever met. Which is evidently one of the reasons she's become smitten with me.

That's why it's so painful to think of hurting her.

[Gebidozo]

9 minutes ago, seany25 said:

Do you think, given that she knew I had this hang-up looming over me all year, that I can be honest with her and simply tell her my mind is still a bit messed up about it?

You must be honest with her. Why would you want to de dishonest? “A bit messed up” is an understatement. You should truthfully tell her that you’re still collecting women like shiny trinkets and that if she wants a serious relationship with a mature man she should start looking elsewhere.

[basil67]

2 hours ago, seany25 said:

I guess you could be right. I did have/do have my suspicions about potential red flags, but since I didn't get long enough to find out if I was right or wrong, I can never know. Thus, I can only maintain and remember all the "good" stuff that I know for sure. Telling myself she was bad without knowing isn't gunna do anything.

Whether she's good, bad or middling, you don't know her well enough to love.  It was only ever infatuation and fixation on your part - nothing deeper than that

Edited December 20, 2024 by basil67

[ExpatInItaly]

This current relationship isn't going to last anyway, OP. 

And you know the irony? I am pretty sure it will be her that leaves you in the dust. She's clearly already getting frustrated with you and you are likely just her rebound after her divorce. She will not stick around anyway, especially when she realizes you don't want a serious commitment.

And then I bet any money you will be back here complaining about how you lost her, didn't know what you had, and so on. Not because you love her, but because your ego can't take rejection of any kind. This isn't about a genuine connection for you. 

The only real relationship you seem to have is with your ego, actually. It's an unhealthy one, but it's what you seem to centre your whole emotional universe around:  You do everything you can to nurture it, feed it, enable its desires, soothe it with the next thrill when it's bruised, hush it up when it's stomping its feet for the next adrenaline hit, cave into it when it becomes unbearable. Your ego is your (toxic) life partner. 

 

[basil67]

Honestly, I don't think you know what love is.  I suspect you're confusing love with lust

[flitzanu]

21 hours ago, seany25 said:

 

But to answer your question, I don't believe I'll keep chasing when I finally have one as hot as her.

i don't want to encourage this behavior, BUT, i can understand and relate about the obsessive feeling, and i think you should focus on this single answer you gave, as this is the most direct course of action you can take without all the distraction and questioning and seques to everything else.

you aren't going to rest until you get another one "as hot as her" so, drop this current girl and go find someone as hot as your obsession, and see if that brings you clarity.  ultimately that's what you want to do, we all know that, and you keep reiterating it.

but...again...i'm still predicting it won't stop there, that you'll then want one hotter, and hotter, and continue chasing "hotter" because you won't be happy because you keep thinking you're settling because someone is always going to be hotter

[NuevoYorko]

This recent conquest of yours is obviously a little troubled ... I mean, sex within 4 minutes of meeting you, sex in your new Hyundai or whatever, then she's "in love," then she's crying.

She's not in good shape emotionally.  Neither was the "drop dead gorgeous" one.   People like these women, and you yourself, and plenty of us here at some times or others in our lives, are not capable of functioning in any kind of sustainable relationship.  So far you have not been.  

So a lot of this is just empty talk.  You're really not going to be in a "relationship" of any duration, any time in the near future.

Still - can you try to be a stand-up guy and do the right thing?  Let this one go.

[seany25]

18 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

You must be honest with her. Why would you want to de dishonest? “A bit messed up” is an understatement. You should truthfully tell her that you’re still collecting women like shiny trinkets and that if she wants a serious relationship with a mature man she should start looking elsewhere.

I will. She deserves that. She said she is postponing the hotel break until after the new year and then we can go on it. However, I will see her before that, and be honest with her face-to-face before she spends any money on that.

I won't however, be quite as ruthless and disrespectful as you suggested. I know you were probably just having a sarcastic pop at me, but the point is you can be honest but not brutally honest. So, I can tell her that my mind is still messed up about that last girl, but not that I think she's the hottest I've ever had. A sociopath might do that, but most of us wouldn't.

Then it's up to her if she still wants to go ahead with the hotel thing.

13 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

And then I bet any money you will be back here complaining about how you lost her, didn't know what you had, and so on. Not because you love her, but because your ego can't take rejection of any kind. This isn't about a genuine connection for you. 

The only real relationship you seem to have is with your ego, actually. It's an unhealthy one, but it's what you seem to centre your whole emotional universe around:  You do everything you can to nurture it, feed it, enable its desires, soothe it with the next thrill when it's bruised, hush it up when it's stomping its feet for the next adrenaline hit, cave into it when it becomes unbearable. Your ego is your (toxic) life partner. 

I know it doesn't sound like it but I can take rejection. Like that girl from May, she was "hot" to me and when she moved on I accepted it and wished her well, and now that she has a new boyfriend I didn't care.

Even with this "main" girl, when she finished things in January I was really hurt when I read her text but I thanked her and wished her well. I knew I had to take no for an answer (and not keep bugging her by texting and begging or whatever). The difference with this one is she was what I saw as the peak of my dating life, the best I'd ever had, for allllll the reasons you are already aware of, and so even tho I could take no on the surface, the aftermath (January) was turmoil.

There have been a handful of women throughout my life who I've been hurt by. These are the women I "couldn't have". Who were in my life for a little while and then left, leaving me wanting more. So this is technically not the first time this has happened to me, BUT, this one was the most profound and most painful, partly because she's so hot, and partly because of the years-long on-off limerance I held for her. Maybe the fact that l had that desire for so long simply means it'll take longer to wear off than a normal crush. Who knows?

Anyway, the point I was making is it's always been the ones I really wanted to be with, that didn't want me (at least not enough). Yes it looks like a pattern but it's not like it's something I'm actively seeking or that I wanted to happen; you can't help who you fall for, right? And the last thing I wanted was to actually look for heartbreak, nobody wants that. It seems I've just been cursed with always losing out on the girl I wanted. And so that's why it's difficult to accept that I should just be with a girl that, yes, I might like, but just didn't light my fire as much as the ones who "got away"... I've even ended things with several girls who wanted more with me but I didn't want more with them. I've been on the other side of it. Why it's so difficult to find a relationship where we both equally want each other as much as the other is intriguing. For me, it's mostly been one-sided either way.

[seany25]

1 hour ago, flitzanu said:

i don't want to encourage this behavior, BUT, i can understand and relate about the obsessive feeling, and i think you should focus on this single answer you gave, as this is the most direct course of action you can take without all the distraction and questioning and seques to everything else.

you aren't going to rest until you get another one "as hot as her" so, drop this current girl and go find someone as hot as your obsession, and see if that brings you clarity.  ultimately that's what you want to do, we all know that, and you keep reiterating it.

but...again...i'm still predicting it won't stop there, that you'll then want one hotter, and hotter, and continue chasing "hotter" because you won't be happy because you keep thinking you're settling because someone is always going to be hotter

I understand your trepidation but I appreciate your acknowledgement that this seems to be where my head is at, and so for that reason, that I should focus on that.

But I honestly don't think I'll keep chasing when I do get the woman of equivalent hotness. To give a very poor analogy, the reason I feel like this is because that woman brought me to 100, and then when she left my life I was back down to 80 again. So I just roll over and accept that? I could, I guess, but as we know, I don't want to.

If I got back to 100, I'd be happy to "settle". It's not about continually one-upping myself, it's about getting back to 100.

[seany25]

1 hour ago, NuevoYorko said:

This recent conquest of yours is obviously a little troubled ... I mean, sex within 4 minutes of meeting you, sex in your new Hyundai or whatever, then she's "in love," then she's crying.

She's not in good shape emotionally.  Neither was the "drop dead gorgeous" one.   People like these women, and you yourself, and plenty of us here at some times or others in our lives, are not capable of functioning in any kind of sustainable relationship.  So far you have not been.  

So a lot of this is just empty talk.  You're really not going to be in a "relationship" of any duration, any time in the near future.

Still - can you try to be a stand-up guy and do the right thing?  Let this one go.

These are actually fair points to consider, so thank you for pointing them out. It had previously occurred to me that my new girl fell for me a little quickly. Yes, it was and is flattering (I'm obviously a catch to some, believe it or not), but am I, as has been suggested, her rebound, and that's why she's become so attached so fast? I mean, I do believe her when she says she's never been treated so well in all her life, but that's because her husband is a d!ck and she hasn't been with anyone else besides me in like 15 years. I know there are plenty more of us good guys out there.

The sex within 4 minutes part isn't such a big deal as you think (okay, maybe in my life it's not), because we had been FaceTiming and talking for months beforehand. I accept that might not count for much to some but it meant we had built enough of a connection to feel comfortable with each other enough to have sex the moment we first met.